If you have CHOSEN to not have children ...

[canttellyouwhereorwhatido]

Have you ever fallen pregnant by accident ?

I am staggered by the amount of MN who have had accidental pregnancies and am trying to understand how this happened. Are you regularly aborting because the contraceptive options are so unreliable ? Or is this a cop out for those who want babies but partners not keen and manipulating the situation as an 'oops' ... sorry about that but I don't believe in termination ?

If it is unreliable contraception . Are the failure rates simply lies made up by the manufacturer ? If so, something needs to be done to ensure more reliable contraception. I am assuming here that child free couples have just as much (imagine a LOT more ) sex than those with kids ... OR is it as simple as , 'it's no good just having the pill/condom/ diaphragm etc if you don't use it according to manufacturer's instructions ?

I had kids when I wanted them (was lucky to get pregnant easily) but never at any other time and I've been constantly sexually active since 16. I've never once taken a chance. I've never used the withdrawal method and always used the pill properly so wouldn't count on it if I'd been ill etc.

I think a lot of accidental pregnancies are accidental-on-purpose pregnancies or taking silly chances pregnancies (especially when it's young Mums)

What? That solution would mean that someone who desperately wanted a child and could give the child a really good life would have their wish fulfilled, while I got a break from work - why is that worse than the only other solution of having a termination? I am an anxious person and gave this a lot of thought in the years when I was still fertile. I'm not against abortion at all but giving the child for adoption seemed to me the best way of making some good from a bad situation.

@Sauerkrautsandwich

It's worth a try though?

I am infertile due to cancer treatment, but before then had a erm very active sex life and managed to use contraception very successfully....

These days I'd argue that accidents aren't generally accidents. I knkw there are a few genuine cases, but no. Not as many as you'd believe on here.

I’m sure the board for MN without children wasn’t so people could take the piss about maternity leave being some sort of optional holiday. It’s a forum for parents to support one another and this is derogatory to women on maternity leave as well as to those who give up children for adoption. It reduces a baby to an unwanted M&S gift that comes with the bonus of maternity leave. That’s what sickened me. I find it really offensive.

Adoption is not a solution for someone who “desperately wanted a child”. Adoption is a last resort for children whose parents cannot parent them, and is about finding them the best possible family. It’s not a way to get a free holiday and tell yourself a story about how you are doing good in the world.

Do you think choosing not to have children is akin to deciding you don't want a free gift from a shop? Really? It is not a decision made casually, a 'no thank you' at the till.

I got pregnant with a coil in situ and still exactly where it was supposed to be. It had worked for years, and DH and I were very fertile when not using contraception (basically conceived every single time we had unprotected sex in my fertile period) until suddenly it didn't.

Certainly plenty of people are sloppy with the pill or condoms or withdrawal (and it fucking blows my mind how many people are knowingly not using any contraception but still consider the baby "unplanned", because they think you have to be "planning" with the OPKs and tracking and whatever), but there are also definitely people who are using contraception diligently and as advised and have it fail. And yes, a lot of people are in the camp of "not actively trying right now but not fussed if a baby comes along". It wasn't a disaster for me when I got pregnant on the IUD because I was in a stable marriage and already had DC, etc. If it had been, I'd have terminated.

How did she trick him?!

At least after the first one he could have used condoms or had the snip

It was your comment @SevenSeasOfRhye not mine. Suggest you educate yourself about the realities of adoption and what maternity leave is actually for before posting such inflammatory crap on a site that was set up for parents to support each other.

But anyway most friends of mine who’ve had accidental pregnancies are honest that it’s just laxness - they are intending to get the coil / partner intending to get the snip, don’t want to be on the pill / forgot to buy another packet of condoms.. get away with it for a while/not having sex much VOs young kids, get more careless..

Well she definitely didn’t trick him but it’s not an unusual go to for men. Ask women who have married men hit on them/contact them on online dating, it’s used as a way to show how ‘evil’ his wife is and why you should shag him in sympathy/why he’s not a dick for cheating on her.

I've always been very, very careful as having children would be a nightmare for me (I have fear of pregnancy and birth, and would be a terrible mother).

I took the MAP once after a condom debacle, and took pregnancy tests quite a few times in my youth as I used to have very irregular periods, so it was the only way to be sure. If I'd ever been pregnant, I'd have had an abortion without thinking twice.

I do think many women say accidental pregnancy when they actually mean unplanned. My mother said my two siblings and me were all accidents, but come on - if you're having unprotected sex, it's not an accident.

This is my biggest fear too.

and it fucking blows my mind how many people are knowingly not using any contraception but still consider the baby "unplanned", because they think you have to be "planning" with the OPKs and tracking and whatever

Yes! The unplanned/accidental ones when lax with contraceptive, or not using any, imho does stem from "it wasn't we actively thought about having a baby and did all the tracking" as you say.

Pregnancy after unprotected sex is as much of an accident or a surprise as sickness is after eating raw chicken found randomly on a pavement....

Rubbish, I didn't say anything about it being a casual decision. I know I couldn't parent a child, I have never wanted to parent a child, and no child would thrive being brought up by someone with the kind of mental health issues I have. If I'd had a baby and elected, in a fit of insanity to keep it, it would probably have been taken away from me.

In any case, this is an entirely moot point as I was meticulous about avoiding this situation in my fertile years, and I am now post-hysterectomy so it cannot possibly happen.

No

It wasn’t a sensible comment. But @RubyShoeDay you have lost any moral high ground you might have had with your ‘why are you on mumsnet if you don’t have kids’ comment.

A huge number of MNers don’t have kids.

The isn’t an equivalent of this site anywhere else and most of the chat isn’t directly about parenting as you must have noticed.

You don’t have the authority to police people’s chat sensible or otherwise.

I’d suggest you hide this board.

Oh I see what you mean. Yes the poor dears..

Adoption is not a solution for someone who “desperately wanted a child”.

If I had a fiver for every time I've seen adoption suggested when people said they can't have children of their own I'd be a lot richer than I am.

The only inflammatory crap here is coming from you.

Ignore, everyone. It's the usual windup merchant coming on here and trying to start a fight.

I have one child.

At that time I had been with my husband 16 years (married for 8).

I had turned 37 and had been advised to stop taking the pill. I didn’t know if I wanted children, but as I was not feeling broody, I still wanted to take precautions. My husband said he didn’t mind, it was entirely up to me.

Up until that moment I had never been pregnant.

I thought it was not unreasonable to ask my husband to takeresponsibility for once and asked him to wear a condom.

After a while he was all “ BuT I can’t fEeL aNyThiNG” so he eventually pressured me into him just doing the pullout method.

Surprise, he couldn’t even do that right. He didn’t even tell me at the time, so when I realised I was pregnant I was pretty shocked.

He’s never said oops I’m sorry, but just jokes “I treated myself” like I was having such a good time that somehow I was stopping him from physically pulling out.

I love my Dd beyond worlds and I wouldn’t be without her. She’s an adult now and is a huge support while I’m divorcing her father.

The only other person I’ve ever told about this to was my therapist, who made me realise how twisted this was.

Ok accidents happen, but to accept no responsibility and to always ‘jokingly’ blame me is beyond the pale.

Thankyou for my opportunity to unload. I’m glad I have my Dd, I’m grateful to have her.

I think Sevenseas'post was bit misread and now it turned into into bigger thing

I asked why people post these cold hearted views on a forum set up for parents to support one another. That’s the purpose of mumsnet.

This section isn’t for parents to support one another. It’s for people who don’t have, can’t have, or don’t want children and who do not appreciate being called cold hearted because they don’t want to have a child or are infertile.