Are parents missing out? MN without children

[Sequinppigeon]

Inspired by another thread, but really not meant with malice... Do you think parents are missing out by having children?

Do they remove themselves from
opportunities or experiences for example?

Although they experienced child free life before having them, one you have them you don't get childfree life again. Especially not initially, and you're always a parent.

Can they really know what it would be like to have children and therefore what they are committing themselves to?

Just wondering how child free people feel as a counter to this well worn idea that we are some how missing out or lacking.

Right perhaps I wasn't very clear it was early ! I have never struggled to watch 18 movies with or without DCs ( obviously not in front of them!) however there are only so many hours in a day and I do want to spend some of thise with my DH, so we would usually have a discussion about what we wanted to watch, as true before and after DCs. We were most recently stymied by a broken washing machine and I have missed more movies through having to stay late at work than anything else. Similarly I have always gone to gym classes, maternity leave was actually really good for this most gyms have creches, (excellent practice for returning to work) and older DCs do go to school. The idea of sitting in separate rooms really isn't my idea of a relationship but if it works for you then fair enough. I have always listened to music and read, how odd to think having children would stop you from doing so.

Now if you had said dropping everything and jetting off to LA for example you would have a point. Holidays need to be booked and planned ahead, but most of us parents manage to watch films, listen to music and exercise without too many problems.

@Neurodiversitydoctor I have no idea what you're on about. You replied to PP saying a partner constrains you from doing things like "watch a (highly inappropriate for kids) film, randomly wander around a new part of a city, spend hours listening to my favourite music, lose myself in a book late into the night". I said it shouldn't, and now you're back to say that actually you do all those things anyway? What on earth was your original point?

You're right, there are only so many hours in a day. By not having to do school runs, iron school uniforms, take kids to football practice or whatever other shit, CF people free up those hours in their day for things like films, reading, exploring the city. I don't know why you're arguing, as it appears you actually are proving PP's point.

Ah yes, the only thing stopping you from jetting to LA is the fact you have children. I forgot, us CF people are unemployed, lounging about being fed grapes, lying on our piles of money. I have bills and limited annual leave too fgs, I also have to plan ahead. This is exactly the kind of attitude that winds CF people up

ETA - bonus points for the snidey dig at my relationship. Enjoy your co-dependent life living in each others pockets any spare minute

I haven't read all the replies but the main one is it reduces the potential to move house and relocate. You can do these things with kids but not very often as they need to be settled in schools to make friends and sit exams and build a life for themselves.

Without children, you are much freer to move house. Even if it's just 15 miles away it's often too far to remain in the same school.

I think two sides of the triangle that somebody mentioned up thread is very sensible. It's just not possible to have a brilliant social life, a fantastic high flying job and be a present parent (or carer for a family member). One of those things has to give at least a little.

Now if you had said dropping everything and jetting off to LA for example you would have a point. Holidays need to be booked and planned ahead

Yep, for us too. We have jobs to go to and bills to pay, just like parents!

Gahhhhhh.

Every thread. This shit happens on every single thread. PLEASE can we use this one to add to the ‘we need MNers without Children to be removed from Active’ file. I am so sick of it. I saw a Parenting thread the other day where I could have offered some help, from personal experience (just not as a parent), but I refrained because I am not a parent and knew it wasn’t my place. Why is the same courtesy never extended in the other direction?

Wow goodness, you do sound really happy and well adjusted.

My partner would have something to say if I just decided to randomly spend the day wandering around my city alone ( TBH why would I?) or listening to my music over and over again ( perhaps a bit adolescent, surely thats what car journeys are for ?). Not so much that he would stop me but perhaps wonder what on earth had got in to me and was I all together ok ? For me those things would only ever be substitutes for something more meaningful, fufilling and/or useful.

But reading for a couple of hours in front of the fire or listening to some tracks whilst cooking or cleaning the bathroom ? No having DCs have never stopped me doing that. As for ironing isn't that made for watching movies or listening to music ?

Ding ding ding! Gather round CF people, once again a parent thinks our lives are shallow, unfulfilling and meaningless.

I don't think you sound particularly great either if I'm honest @Neurodiversitydoctor . The phrase 'my partner would have something to say' is setting alarm bells ringing. I urge you to seek help if you feel your partner is controlling your actions.

Well no because giving birth is a biological reality.

Mothers being stuck at home due to no childcare is a social construction. It's not the biology of motherhood that stops mothers doing anything it's the societal view that mothers should be at home with the DCs rather than out enjoying themselves.

*Wow goodness, you do sound really happy and well adjusted.

My partner would have something to say if I just decided to randomly spend the day wandering around my city alone ( TBH why would I?) or listening to my music over and over again ( perhaps a bit adolescent, surely thats what car journeys are for ?). Not so much that he would stop me but perhaps wonder what on earth had got in to me and was I all together ok ? For me those things would only ever be substitutes for something more meaningful, fufilling and/or useful*

Well, leaving the gratuituous sneer at that posters MH...happily single now but when I was partnered both of us were happy for the other to do their thing. He went to football, I pottered around before joining him post match. He decided on a trip to Venice to go and bake himself at the Lido, I went and did cultural things. He went on a business trip, I went to stay with DM for a couple of days. He went on a company sports weekend, I did the cultural thing again. Neither of us did the perhaps wonder what on earth had got in to me and was I all together ok ? because we recognised we liked different things and didn't need to be joined at the hip when we did them.

Do tell us what these 'meaningful, fulfilling and useful things' are.

I wish - REALLY REALLY wish - I could thank this post a thousand times.

I’ve just reported this to make sure MNHQ see it, and explained why we want this in the report bit.

Lots of childfree people miss out too, especially if they don't earn enough to do things, like holidays etc.

I know what it's like to be childfree, as I didn't have my first until I was 25 and I'm now 39 and expecting my 3rd! I don't feel like I've missed out, as I wanted my children and they honestly give my life so much purpose that I cannot ever imagine not having them.

I know what it's like to be childfree, as I didn't have my first until I was 25

Lol, no. This is like saying you know what it's like to be a doctor, as you've watched ER

I know what it's like to be childfree

Nope.

You know what it’s like to be childfree at an age where it’s entirely normal and expected that you not have kids (25).

It’s very different being childfree at an age where people expect you to have kids, and start heaping curiosity or judgement on you for not doing so.

They’re miles and miles apart.

FFS. I shouldn't get wound up by it but the parents coming out with the reasons why they're CF as well is really, really annoying me (to put it mildly). I wonder how many of them never ever intended NOT to have children EVER?

Not to mention coming on a board where there are people who wanted children, couldn't have them and for whom that's a continuing source of grief to simper 'but they give me so much meaning in my life.' Fucking tone deaf or what?

I’ve been doing this for four months now and have reached the firm conclusion that MN doesn’t care.

See also 'ageism.'

Meaningful and fufilling mostly spending time with people I love. Also sports, travelling exploring new places ( but again with someone). But it's horses for courses.

Having DCs has contrained my life of course it has, but not for those reasons.

If I had to travel with someone I'd never go anywhere. No doubt the parents on here who can't wait to give the benefit of their advice will pile in about that. I can't imagine anything worse (well, slight exaggeration, I can) than always needing to have someone to travel and do things with.

That is fair enough, but surely a personal preference which nothing to do with whether you are a parent.

Feeling like that might impact on whether you choose to have children however.....

At pushing 70 that ship has sailed. But thanks for the advice 🙄

You misunderstand me I meant these feelings might be more widespread in a cohort of people who have choosen to remain child free.

I think it's you who's misunderstanding. It's not that @MrsDanversGlidesAgain won't travel if there's someone with her, it's that she can't imagine anything worse than needing someone to travel with.

You may be right that people who hate being alone are more likely to have children, however.

Also laughing at your horses for courses comment - after you sneering at PP's preferences as they're not worthy enough in your opinion!

I think you are deliberately misunderstanding me. I have just said those things basically I suppose it comes down to being alone for long stretches of time isn't something I :
a) Have ever wanted to do very much and
b) Don't feel I have missed out on by having DCs

But if that is how people want to spend their time, fair enough. If they feel for them not doing as much of this as they do now is a sufficient reason to remain childfree, then also fair enough.

In answer to the OP of course there are things you forgo to have children. Ooddles of " me time" isn't one of them for me. I really hope that is clear now.