Are parents missing out? MN without children

[Sequinppigeon]

Inspired by another thread, but really not meant with malice... Do you think parents are missing out by having children?

Do they remove themselves from
opportunities or experiences for example?

Although they experienced child free life before having them, one you have them you don't get childfree life again. Especially not initially, and you're always a parent.

Can they really know what it would be like to have children and therefore what they are committing themselves to?

Just wondering how child free people feel as a counter to this well worn idea that we are some how missing out or lacking.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn you don't get it, and that's sort of okay, apart from the fact you're coming on here trying to tell us (who do get it, and have carved out a tiny little space for ourselves) that we're wrong. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and try to explain - using your example, say you've not yet qualified as an accountant. Now imagine your mum and dad, and husband's mum and dad, and grandparents are/were all accountants. And 80+% of your peer group/the general population are accountants. Now everyone keeps asking you when you're going to train as an accountant? Why haven't you trained as an accountant yet? Won't your parents/partner be disappointed that you're an accountant? Oh but you're missing out! You don't know true job satisfaction until you become an accountant! Now imagine you don't actually want to be an accountant, but you're still getting all that pressure from all angles. Or maybe you're not sure and it's a real sore point - maybe you're worried you won't be happy, or able to cope, or you can't afford the exams.

It's not our identities that revolve around offspring. We're just trying to find like minded people whose identities don't

I get that it's a carved out spot but I am not sure I would come to accountingnet to talk about not being an account. And then wonder why other accountants comment.

I’ve never had accountants tell me I should be an accountant or seen them post on eg law firms Facebook pages about how people shouldn’t be lawyers but should be accountants instead.

Good point.

Firstly, no one's telling you you're wrong. Please don't invent things. Quite clearly, I said the opposite, no one is right, no one is wrong. Just different views.

i haven't addressed at all, the pressures or conversations that do or don't exist around having children. They obviously do, but that's not what we were discussing.

Simply, I can't "hijack" a word any more than you can. Words can one thing to someone and another to someone else. Like the poster using the example of "skint", my skint may be nothing like your interpretation of skint.

My identity doesn't revolve around the presence or absence "offspring" any more than yours.

Why is it important and why do you care anyway? Some of the people on here really need to get a life, it's not a personal insult to people with children if other people choose not to have children.

@Sequinppigeon maybe you should call this board "Loving freedom" 🙂

Well, I certainly don't have an amazing career, sparkling social life or insta-worthy home and wardrobe.

But I have to say, being childfree does mean that during my free time I can just be me, uninterrupted. I can decide to watch a (highly inappropriate for kids) film, randomly wander around a new part of a city, spend hours listening to my favourite music, lose myself in a book late into the night. I know, parents can do these things too, but I get the impression part of you is on alert for what the kids might need at any time, and of course their needs naturally have to come first.

I can just relax, and I love it! Selfish perhaps, but I'm not hurting anyone.

Now this is goady.
There is always one who tries to sound smart but puts some crap on here.

You are just looking yo rile people up.
I guess if you're whole identity is wrapped up in the fact you chose to not have children, then you feel a strong desire to have a protected name for that.

How rude. How fucking rude.

I see some parents simply came to goad now.

I have my career, but definitely missed out on freedom/ travel bit.DS is 19, Dd is 17 I am 48, another 7 years and I am off. Well aware it won't be the same as it would have been in my 20s.

Do you have a partner ? Because for me that is where the constraints not to do those things come from, not from the DCs.

It's a social construction that mothers miss out on anything.

Men often become fathers and carry on with the exact same lifestyle.

Mothers should be afforded the same freedoms.

Childcare should be universal, affordable (often free) available locally 24/7.

Fathers should be obliged to be responsible for their offspring either financially or practically.

That is clearly nonsensical. Living with other people, loving other people means missing out on stuff sometimes. Life is full of trade offs and comprises. This is no different for men than women.

I know some very wealthy single men in their 50's. They certainly have more freedom than DH, not sure they are any happier though and they are definitely less healthy.

It's a social construction that mothers miss out on anything.

It’s also a social construction that you miss out on anything by not having children.

Oh I don't agree at all, and as kindly as possible, if your partner restricts you from doing things you should take a good look at whether it's the right relationship. Why would having a partner stop you watching an 18 rated film or wandering round your city? (You could do it together). Or listening to music or reading a book? (You could sit in separate rooms if you want to do different things). My DH works a lot of nights too so I have a lot of time to do my own thing. If I was stuck in the house looking after our kids while he worked I'd be a lot more restricted (no gym classes, no popping to Asda, no meeting a friend for a drink)

I see some parents simply came to goad now

Some parents really objected to the setting up of this board and it appears a few of them are here pecking and trying to get a reaction. Sad, really. You'd think they'd be too busy rearing the arsewipers of the future, wouldn't you?

Agreed. If you have a partner but no children, provided they are not abusive or controlling you have a hell of a lot more freedom than if you were a mother with no partner.

Yes. It’s just unbelievable that we have to have the childfree conversation over and over again.

Yes. It’s just unbelievable that we have to have the childfree conversation over and over again

And on and on and on and on and on telling us we can't call ourselves this or that, we're sad people wrapped up in the identity of being CF (especially ironic given that the site is for PARENTS, as we keep being told, so who's wrapped up in their identities here?)

Basically instructing us that whatever it is, we're doing it all wrong. Still, the saving grace is we can ignore them by skipping a thread. Imagine being CF and working with or being friends with these people. It'd be non stop nagging and being talked down to.

I wonder what they get out of it.

I feel like this is a bit of sliding doors question- of course people with kids miss out on some things, just like people without kids miss out on some things.

We all miss out on certain opportunities or experiences depending on the path we choose in life, that literally never ends. If I come to a crossroads in my life and choose path A (be it kids, marriage, career- whatever) then I will miss out on everything I could have experienced on path B. Neither is "wrong" or bad, it's just....different. We make the best decisions we can knowing our own feelings and instincts but undoubtably, there will be things will we miss on the road not travelled - that applies to everyone.

I'm a fairly insular, resting bitch face type person but having a kid has brought a huge swathe of interesting people into my life. It's connected me to my local area and I'll always know people here now, even as the kids grow up and move on. I'm not the type to volunteer or to make the first move socially, but having a kid does all that for you.

@Neurodiversitydoctor I am married, but perhaps because we're both introverts we each have our own hobbies and give each other a certain amount of space. If one of us wants to spend the afternoon chilling out and reading, the other one will understand and leave them be.

Of course, we also spend a lot of time together as well, cinema trips, hiking, a night away in a different city, again I know couples with kids can do those things but it isn't as easy. There is so much to think/worry about with a kid in tow.

It also helps that we both have fairly chill, if pretty low-paid jobs. Sometimes I look around and think everyone else is living life on hard mode. I'm sure children are very rewarding, but I'm so relieved that my life is my own.

Imagine being CF and working with or being friends with these people. It'd be non stop nagging and being talked down to.

Can confirm it’s hideous (colleagues, not friends).

Parent here. Just wanted to say that this^ post really struck me as the most truthful and realistic description.
yes, parents are missing out quite a lot and it’s a pure gamble how much it will be in each case.

Yip it's life's biggest gamble for sure. I didn't enjoy the early years and often regretted my choice to become a parent. I no longer regret it but life can change on a sixpence, with or without kids.

It does occur to me that this endless confusion never appears to arise whenever the childfree are being blamed for things posted elsewhere on MN.

We could start a trend for responding to posts like “let me guess, you’re childfree” or “why are the childfree on MUMSnet?” with “yes, agreed, those empty nesters are just awful” or “yes, once your children have left home you really shouldn’t be posting here”.