Page 4 | Thread for the undecided

BeverlyToegold · 2023-12-10T21:44:38+00:00

A thread for anyone without children who's not sure if they want that to be permanent. I vacillate between being entirely content with a childfree future, and my biological clock screaming in my ear. I'm in my early thirties and happily single, and I feel if I ^do ^want a dc I need to start planning for that. But I'm not completely sure if I want a child, or if I'd be a good mother! 🤷 Any other fence sitters want to chat?

Opalfleur2025 · 26/07/2024 12:02

TennisLady · 26/07/2024 11:57

That's just it. I've been on a few TTC threads and forums but realised I'm not feeling the huge upset and heartbreak each month that others report. Instead I start thinking of the life I could have without children.
I think I probably will go to the GP again at some point as I do think it would be useful to have investigations. I think I just want to know if everything looks OK and therefore it's just 'unexplained infertility' or if there's some factors that mean there's a low chance or whatever. It's almost like I want to be told 'there's X reason and you have a low chance' so I can then just move on with my life knowing that it likely won't happen anyway?

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i think a big part is that I dont want to regret not doing enough to remedy the situation when i still have time. For example if i did decide to go down the IVF route then there is a much better chance of success at a younger age.

So i think a big part of it is FOMO but at the same time you could probably do everything correctly at the appropriate age and still not get pregnant. And so it would be better to be relaxed about it in that sense.

Opalfleur2025 · 26/07/2024 12:04

TennisLady · 26/07/2024 11:57

That's just it. I've been on a few TTC threads and forums but realised I'm not feeling the huge upset and heartbreak each month that others report. Instead I start thinking of the life I could have without children.
I think I probably will go to the GP again at some point as I do think it would be useful to have investigations. I think I just want to know if everything looks OK and therefore it's just 'unexplained infertility' or if there's some factors that mean there's a low chance or whatever. It's almost like I want to be told 'there's X reason and you have a low chance' so I can then just move on with my life knowing that it likely won't happen anyway?

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i think while i don't feel heartbreak i feel anxiety not knowing whether i am pregnant or not. i pee on sticks compulsively but i have always been like that lol.

just more so now as i am not doing withdrawal. when i did withdrawal, i wasn't as anxious (though I still peed compulsively on sticks when i was late) as I knew i probably wasn't pregnant as it had been working X amount of years. ttc has only been for a year and i know couples can take up to 2 years to conceive.

Possimpible · 26/07/2024 12:05

@Opalfleur2025 Have to admit I don't know the ins and outs of it, if you'd have to go private etc, but could you consider freezing eggs/embryos at this age but not implanting them? Then if you decided to go down that route in a few years your eggs/embryos would be younger, if that makes sense. I'm not sure if that would be lengths you would object to though as I gather it's pretty invasive.

Opalfleur2025 · 26/07/2024 12:09

Possimpible · 26/07/2024 12:05

@Opalfleur2025 Have to admit I don't know the ins and outs of it, if you'd have to go private etc, but could you consider freezing eggs/embryos at this age but not implanting them? Then if you decided to go down that route in a few years your eggs/embryos would be younger, if that makes sense. I'm not sure if that would be lengths you would object to though as I gather it's pretty invasive.

then i would rather do the whole IVF thing considering i am already TTC.

if i am doing the whole freezing embryos and eggs thing, might as well go the full route and know for certain whether it works or not now Frozen embryos don't necessarily result in successful pregnancies.

I think with IVF, the thing i dislike about it is that there is only 50% chance of success and you don't know where to stop.

Possimpible · 26/07/2024 12:35

Opalfleur2025 · 26/07/2024 12:09

then i would rather do the whole IVF thing considering i am already TTC.

if i am doing the whole freezing embryos and eggs thing, might as well go the full route and know for certain whether it works or not now Frozen embryos don't necessarily result in successful pregnancies.

I think with IVF, the thing i dislike about it is that there is only 50% chance of success and you don't know where to stop.

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That makes sense, I guess I was just responding to you saying you may regret it further down the line if you did decide to do IVF. Freezing now would potentially buy you a bit more time to decide, but I think we're coming at this from different perspectives as you're actively TTC and that's not a place I visualise myself ever being at.

Arguably you could say the same thing about any sort of TTC, with lower odds.

Opalfleur2025 · 26/07/2024 12:39

Possimpible · 26/07/2024 12:35

That makes sense, I guess I was just responding to you saying you may regret it further down the line if you did decide to do IVF. Freezing now would potentially buy you a bit more time to decide, but I think we're coming at this from different perspectives as you're actively TTC and that's not a place I visualise myself ever being at.

Arguably you could say the same thing about any sort of TTC, with lower odds.

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With many ttc people, they want a child ar any cost. Even if it involves years of ivf.

I am just not sure if I am that person.

Possimpible · 26/07/2024 12:51

Opalfleur2025 · 26/07/2024 12:39

With many ttc people, they want a child ar any cost. Even if it involves years of ivf.

I am just not sure if I am that person.

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Yes, I understand, you've been clear. I wish you the best.

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 26/07/2024 12:53

I often wonder what brings people to Mumsnet when they don't want children.

TennisLady · 26/07/2024 13:09

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 26/07/2024 12:53

I often wonder what brings people to Mumsnet when they don't want children.

The fact that the forum isn't just for people with children??

Possimpible · 26/07/2024 13:11

TennisLady · 26/07/2024 13:09

The fact that the forum isn't just for people with children??

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Yup! Or (as bloody evidenced by this thread..!) the fact that it's not always clear cut for people if they don't want children. For example I've been reading MN for over 10 years to get a grasp of what life is like as a parent. It's basically a research source for me to help my decision.

Such a boring predictable post, 'why are you on MN if you don't have children?' 🙄Why are you on this thread if you do?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 26/07/2024 13:54

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 26/07/2024 12:53

I often wonder what brings people to Mumsnet when they don't want children.

Damn, if only there weren’t 86 billion existing threads asking that question. You don’t need to wonder anymore! Go, be free!

(I could ask the same of you - why are you on the childless/free board if you’re a parent?)

Mercurylines · 27/07/2024 19:36

I also think there’s an expectation that if you say you want to be CF or exploring that idea then you have to be adamant of your decision and never change your mind. And if you do change your mind there’s like can aspect of I told you so from the people that say “oh you’ll change your mind when you’re with the right person/at the right age etc etc” which just minimises the decisions of CF people/women generally.

We’ve actually been doing withdrawal method for like 4 years at least but I just thought we were really good at it! I do track my cycle so I know when we need to be careful. But maybe we would have issues conceiving.

lol I’m on Mumsnet for the AIBU mainly - oh and I have step kids so yea.

KindleLindle · 27/07/2024 20:23

Mercurylines · 27/07/2024 19:36

I also think there’s an expectation that if you say you want to be CF or exploring that idea then you have to be adamant of your decision and never change your mind. And if you do change your mind there’s like can aspect of I told you so from the people that say “oh you’ll change your mind when you’re with the right person/at the right age etc etc” which just minimises the decisions of CF people/women generally.

We’ve actually been doing withdrawal method for like 4 years at least but I just thought we were really good at it! I do track my cycle so I know when we need to be careful. But maybe we would have issues conceiving.

lol I’m on Mumsnet for the AIBU mainly - oh and I have step kids so yea.

I hear you.

I almost feel bad admitting it but I do get really annoyed when people seem to expect me to "change my mind" - it's my contrary nature but it makes me want to stick to my CF ways more!

KimberleyClark · 28/07/2024 17:14

KindleLindle · 27/07/2024 20:23

I hear you.

I almost feel bad admitting it but I do get really annoyed when people seem to expect me to "change my mind" - it's my contrary nature but it makes me want to stick to my CF ways more!

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It’s tied up with the fact that we are socially conditioned to believe we will regret not having children,that regret about not having children is the worst thing ever and must be avoided at all costs, and that if we wanted children and could not have them we we will be unhappy for the rest of our lives. None of these things are objectively true.

Wallcreeper · 28/07/2024 17:50

KimberleyClark · 26/07/2024 11:28

And I think there's also the other pressure from the completely certain childfree, whose rhetoric often makes it sound as if having a baby is a weird, inexplicable and slightly disgusting fetish, and there's all that hostile 'crotchgoblin/breeder' stuff, which also leaves out a lot of people who don't feel similar certainty or indeed hostility.

In the early 90s when I was ttc it was the other way around it was not wanting children that was seen as weird, inexplicable and slightly disgusting. Being childfree was not seen as a valid choice, at best weird, at worst selfish. People who were open about not wanting children were regarded with deep suspicion. Which obviously added to the social pressure.

Sure, but I think the internet has provided a space for the childfree to band together, which is both, obviously, a good thing, but also generates its own type of 'anti-breeder' rhetoric in certain circles, which might be fine or mildly amusing if you're certain you don't want children or the decision is a long way in your past, but for people who are simply trying to figure out what they really think, it's not necessarily helpful to have online people screaming about 'spawn from hell' just as it's not to have people in RL telling you you're 'selfish' and 'unnatural' for not having children.

I think it's valuable for people who are struggling with the decision to find one another online in a place that's not virulently one stripe or the other. (Virulent isn't quite the right word, but you get what I mean -- the rhetoric of people who completely 'other' the other group).

Blackberryandcherry · 06/08/2024 11:40

Nc4dis · 24/07/2024 19:37

I am also a bit of a fence sitter. I really struggle with noise, lack of sleep and lack of time to myself (I suspect I might be somewhere on the spectrum!) and really value my freedom. I’ve always been very CF, never had the urge for kids, had a brother who was 10 years younger which showed me the reality of a child - I couldn’t stand him as a teen and wished I was an only child! (But if I was his parent I guess I would have that “indescribable love” and he would have seemed less annoying?)

For me, there’s a few factors at play. 1, I’m drifting away from a lot of my friends as they either have got their own niche hobbies/new friends or are having kids. I’ve not made loads of new friends (the ones I have made moved away) and feel quite lonely. My hobbies are badminton, sewing, puzzle books, basically stuff for geriatrics. My childfree life plan was to “make loads of cool friends” but how am I going to do that at 60 if I can’t even do it at 31?

2, I do often wake up at 6am thinking my life is just Groundhog Day, work, phone, TV, dinner, sleep. It does feel a bit empty and even holidays are getting a bit “meh” as I’ve been to 35+ countries and nothing really impresses me that much anymore.

3, I come from a very conservative country and there is SO MUCH pressure and comments from various grandparents. My parents are mostly OK and have accepted it, but my grandparents seem to have amnesia and any explanation from me is either forgotten about the next time they call and say “when are you having kids” or they just make horrible comments at me like “what’s the point of your life then”. I actually hate visiting now so my annual visits are now like once every 4 years. They’re all young though so not going to die anytime soon. Part of wanting to remain childfree for life is almost to spite them for being so awful to me.

I don’t know how much any of my “wanting kids” is just societal pressure, family pressure, wanting to fit in, FOMO, boredom and lack of fulfilment. Those are all terrible reasons but people do it for worse reasons (and “I had an urge” isn’t a great reason either tbf). I definitely don’t have an urge, but I just don’t know 😫

I could’ve written this myself. This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling. I have also been feeling a bit empty and travelling no longer seems to fill that gap. It’s really hard when all your friends start having babies too…the dynamics totally change and it definitely does start to feel a bit lonely.

comoatoupeira · 06/08/2024 11:51

I have been on MN for 2 years and I think I have just realized that CF means childfree and not 'crazy fucker'! I'm being serious. Oh dear.

Possimpible · 06/08/2024 11:52

@comoatoupeira It depends on context, but I think it's always childfree or 'cheeky' fucker, not crazy

comoatoupeira · 06/08/2024 11:53

I'm going back through loads of threads that suddenly make sense and seem a lot less agressive and weird than I thought!

comoatoupeira · 06/08/2024 11:53

Oh! OK I wasn't loony then.
Thanks @Possimpible