Thread for the undecided

[BeverlyToegold]

A thread for anyone without children who's not sure if they want that to be permanent.

I vacillate between being entirely content with a childfree future, and my biological clock screaming in my ear. I'm in my early thirties and happily single, and I feel if I do want a dc I need to start planning for that. But I'm not completely sure if I want a child, or if I'd be a good mother! 🤷

Any other fence sitters want to chat?

Here's my contribution from the other side. I'm 44, and I don't have children, and obviously that won't be changing now. I spent YEARS agonising over the decision. As others said, sitting on that fence is bloody hard and bloody lonely - those splinters are painful!

I still have wistful moments. I find it hard when colleagues are talking about their children. When discussing Christmas plans with the woman at the till in the supermarket lady weekend, she asked if we had children. That felt like being poked in an old scar that has mostly healed but is still a bit tender.

But that said, I have NO regrets about being childfree. I have no idea if that might change in the future, none of us do. All I can say is that every passing month, every passing WEEK, I'm more and more grateful and relieved that I didn't have children. I spent 20 years working with children so had no rose coloured glasses about what children need and what parenting could involve. I have a 7 year old nephew who is just wonderful, and I love spending time with him, but I don't wish for a second that he was my child and my responsibility

I'm grateful for being able to prioritise myself, my health, my needs, my relationships. I'll never know for sure but I honestly don't think that having children would have been worth it for me. My life certainly isn't all lying on the beach drinking cocktails 🙄 but I value the freedom, independence and disposable income that I do have!

So my two pennies worth - life without children can be just great, even if you're on the fence. You don't have to be 100% about a decision to take it - allow all of your feelings in. Wistfulness is normal, and there is no insurance policy against regret, whatever path you choose. And look out for other childfree women, either in your own life or in the public eye - if you see it, you can be it. And good luck, it's a seriously tough decision for some of us x

@LaMarschallin and @Possimpible
As an on the fence person I have found both your individual contributions and your conversation interesting.
I completely get that it can get wearying to hear just from mothers (i am on this board for a reason and joined this conversation for a reason) but it is good to hear from people who were on the fence who went in either direction. At least for me personally! So thank you both.

Hi. I'd thought I was resolutely childfree for the last few years, but now at 39 I'm starting to feel gripped with panic that I'm denying myself significant love, tenderness and the chance to be part of something bigger. I fear that life as a middle aged person without them is mostly going to be meaningless and trivial, and feel like continuing a lot of my current interests is nothing but shallow hedonism. I am however having a very difficult time of it currently, with I think some level of depression coming to team up with the pre-existing anxiety, so I wonder if I'm having these thoughts for that reason. That and perhaps my hormones are making one last attempt to get me to procreate, as I've heard can happen.

One of my main near future goals is to seek therapy with someone who can help me look at where these feelings are coming from from a balanced place. Speaking of, any recommendations of online therapists who specialise in discussing this very much welcome!

Yes, your last point is why this decision is so difficult for many. If the feedback on having children was unanimously positive, then I think many of us would say, "well, it looks bloody hard, but clearly when it happens it's incredible" and just do it. It's the fact that some people do regret having them (I'm sure more too than ever talk about it) that throws the spanner in the works.

Well, that disposes of the argument that we should have children so they’ll take care of us in our old age.

At 50 & in peri, I’ll be astonished if I suddenly find in 10-20 years time that I wish I’d had a child. But I’ll take the risk because I would hate to have put myself through parenthood on the off-chance that I might be happy about it at some point.

For me it's been a process I've moved from ambivalence to feeling happy with my choice.

When I was younger I thought I'd have kids because that was the done thing. I met my now husband 11 years ago when I was 32 and at that point I was less sure as my sister made it look very difficult and I really liked our life together just us.

It helped that some of my best friends don't have kids although I've some of them have then gone onto being parents.

There's been times when I've really wobbled and questioned my choice but this for me has always felt more like a panic about not fitting in/being part of etc Christmas is hard for me and often spending time with my extended family where we are the only couple without children can be difficult but the last couple of years have made me really grateful of the freedom and choices that we have such as being able to move out of a city to live by the sea earlier this year which is something we always wanted to do.

I think the regret thing is a bit of a red herring or it has been for me. Whatever path we are on there wil always be the other we can't be on but at the moment I feel at peace with that.

Anyone else feeling totally different about this now that Christmas is over? I've literally been in tears a couple of times this past month, I've been struggling so badly with my decision to stay CF and feeling the pressure so hard. And now that the matching pyjama photos and videos of babies putting out reindeer dust are over for another year - I feel a weight's been lifted off.

Was adamantly child free until 30s, then spent a few years agonising but increasingly leaning towards having a child - I just couldn’t be in peace anymore with the prospect of never being a parent and going through the same motions again and again - I had a City job and a good career, was travelling the world for work and pleasure but it felt like something was missing. After the first miscarriage I was as far from child free as one gets, desperate for a baby. Lucky to have a baby daughter now and although I miss the sleep, the freedom, the me time - being an extreme introvert, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Reigniting this thread because I’ve been looking for perspectives from mothers who were previously CF or fence sitters and how they feel now that they have children. People who have really thought about it before going into it like I have. And I guess I wonder if the things you worried about before having dc were accurate or not.

much like pp I continue to bounce between wanting kids and staying childfree. I worked with children previously as a full time nanny and did some overnights and weekend so have a pretty good idea of how relentless it can be.

@AutumnNamechange your perspective is really helpful in that motherhood was easier than you thought it would be. This is really the thing that holds me back - I’m terrified I will find it too overwhelming and stressful and I’ll feel touched out, exhausted and have no time for myself. I very likely won’t have any family nearby to help. I’m quite sure I will only have one child if any. I like my career and still want to achieve my career goals.

i also don’t know where my (occasional) desire to have a kid comes from. My best friend from childhood just became pregnant and I’m so happy for her but I feel a tinge a sadness that we aren’t sort of doing this stage of life together. I’m also turning 30 soon and getting married next year. The comments about “my turn soon” have already started.

My FH has kids already so he is positive about having dc together but if I wished to remain CF it would not end our relationship.
I like being part of his dcs lives but it is relatively easy for me and not the same as my own children.

anyway it was helpful reading all your perspectives

I am struggling to get pregnant and wondering if I even want children cos I think sometimes I might be relieved that we can't have kids (may mean life is simpler) and will probably not go down the ivf route if that is what is required

Haven't used contraception for 8 years and not getting pregnant even when actively ttc for 10 months.

A lot of you mention the biological clock on here and I wonder if that is happening for me. I wasn't too bothered about having kids before but since I turned 33 (I will be 34 next month), the desire for a child has become an obsession which is not helped by most of my friends getting pregnant and me having fertility issues. It's on my mind 24/7 and I am tearful every day at the thought of not having my own family. All logic and reason (can I afford it? Will I cope? etc) have gone out of the window. I feel like I'm losing my mind!

I've rewritten this a few times as I don't seem to be able to properly articulate what I'm trying to say, but for me the balance kind of shifted in favour of jumping off the fence as I hit my 30s and what fulfilled me naturally changed. I'd always enjoyed freedom and travel and had never wanted children as they are pretty incompatible with that lifestyle, I was worried I would find parenthood boringly mundane and regret losing my freedom. It turns out that as we got older all the travel and adventure seemed a bit vacuous so when the idea of children began to spark, it didn't seem as much to give up as we initially thought. We were just really ready for a new adventure and could throw ourselves fully into it. Like a pp I've also found it easier than expected (although I will caveat that by saying I have a lovely supportive husband, local family and 1 neurotypical child).

The truth is that you can't really make the decision as a rational one by weighing up the pros and cons because the the pro that makes everything worthwhile is completely unquantifiable (the indescribable love) where as all the cons are pretty major! It's the ultimate gamble!

The problem is that the so-called "biological clock" is just a combination of hormones and emotions. This is the most important decision of your life, but in what other major decision would you think it OK to rely on hormones and emotions? You just wouldn't do it. When you are feeling calm and measured, think of the pros and cons, and if still feels like a good idea, then fine. But, if you're just not sure then, trust me, once the "children window" has closed and you're still childfree you'll feel nothing but relief.

I'm about to turn 38 and for most of my life have been wanting to be CF. However after meeting DH, and after getting married last year we decided to give it a go. It's been a year now of TTC, and it hasn't happened. I'm not hugely upset with this, not in a way I read about with others who struggle anyway. I'm starting to get just fed up really with the unpredictable nature of it.
I've still got the whole list of reasons in my head of the bonuses of being CF, and I still really like the sound of it. I guess meeting my DH in mid 30s, and the 'biological clock' and thinking if not now then I'll never be able to has sort of won me over a bit.
We have said we won't go down the IVF route, and we'll be fine being CF. If we are lucky to get a BFP I'd only want 1 child (I know there's a risk to "only wanting 1...!").
I don't know, I'm guess I am still undecided in a sense. We decided to TTC, but it's not happening anyway and I guess I'm not hugely upset with that?

@TennisLady I think that's not uncommon around people of this age. I guess you don't want to have any regrets, but at 50 if you look back and tried and it didn't happen then... you tried? And you can be at peace with that. I'm 34 and feel that we might end up trying the same tactic in a couple of years (still leaning towards CF at the moment)

@Possimpible I've spent years reading threads like this across the internet, speaking to friends, reading articles, carefully thinking about what my life would be like and the pros and cons.... so yes I think in a way if it doesn't happen then it's like the decision was out of my hands anyway, so my mind can finally be at peace about this whole thing.

@ImFckingMattDamon thanks that’s really helpful. It gives me hope that again, someone found it easier than expected. I am probably over estimating in my head how difficult and stressful it will be because I’ve turned it over and over in my mind. I agree that it is such an emotionally driven decision that it is hard to quantify. When I see my parents with my step siblings children it really makes me ache to see that with my own child and parents together (I guess particularly as an only child myself).

the lack of freedom has definitely worried me too, I actually got a puppy 2 years ago (and now I realise I was completely unprepared) and actually found it incredibly stressful and totally limiting in terms of going out for an evening, work travel etc (which I really just hadn’t taken into account). Obviously the dog is now 2 and so much easier and I appreciate this is not the same as a baby but a few mothers have told me they found a puppy much harder than a new born it’s just that the puppy grows up faster😂
but I’ve also have a pretty great 20s full of travel, different jobs, moving around, kicking off a career etc so mid 30s may feel very different.

now I’m thinking that I’m probably just enjoying hearing positive stories to affirm my desire to have a child despite how nervous I am about it. It’s definitely a decision so easy to overthink.

@TennisLady I have also said the same thing that if I thought I wanted to I would just ttc and see what happens. If it doesn’t happen then I think I’ll also be perfectly happy being cf and in my mind it will be easier to accept. I have PCOS so i guess I know there’s a chance it wouldn’t happen anyway

Sometimes you do just need a little affirmation of what you think you know inside. I'd been mulling it over ages but couldn't mentally take the plunge into admitting to myself I wanted baby after being staunchly childfree. I was lucky that I had a little pregnancy scare that tipped me over the edge. I'd taken norethisterone to delay a period for yet another adventure holiday but I didn't realise that it could delay subsequent periods too, so when the next month I was a week late I began to wonder if I was pregnant. The realisation hit me that I was desperately hoping that I was, so that the decision of having to try would be taken out of my hands. The test was negative but the fact that I was so disappointed showed me what I really wanted and I decided to take the plunge.

This is exactly how I feel. I’ve been torturing myself for the past 10 years over the decision and now I’m 38 panic is starting to set in.

Every time one of my friends makes a pregnancy announcement of course I am happy for them, but I also get a pit in my stomach and jealous pangs that they’ve been able to make a decision and I haven’t. I really wish I could.

I am also thinking should we just ‘try’ so interesting to hear a few others are thinking the same.

That’s interesting you’ve been mulling it over for so long. In my case as mentioned previously I was resolutely child free until I suddenly I wasn’t at around the age you are now and we decided to give it a go. I feel like possibly if you have been torturing yourself for a decade about this then you perhaps fundamentally you see children as part of your life as I rarely gave it a thought throughout my twenties and most of my thirties. Anyway hope you get some peace of mind soon one way or the other.

My sympathy, it's hard. It's one of the biggest and most emotive decisions many people have to make, which doesn't make it any easier.

You say you're jealous that other people have decided, have you tried 'trialing' a decision? Pretend you've decided to stay childfree, spend a month planning the future, what you'll be doing in 5, 10, 20 years. Then a month planning for parenthood.

Of course you may have already done this and found it didn't help at all!

Maybe consider a fertility MOT - at 38 it might look either way and your reaction to the results might be very telling.

I do think as pp says you have to decide if you want to go it alone or not. I never did want that option so didn’t go down that route.

I've been dealing with this issue since I was 29 and now I'm 45 it's changed to 'should I have had children?' but with the same level of obsession 😂I think the problem with anything you decide not to do is you will always wonder 'what if?'

I think once you get past 40, you become properly childless/free in the eyes of the world. Until then, you are just not yet a mother. And it can be lonely, as you will be in the minority. I've also found it hard to see the once-stressful toddlers become lovely young adults. I sometimes find the hobbies I once loved to be a bit meaningless.

I think my upset about it was a bit brought on by my dad becoming ill and the realisation that we will all get ill / old and die at some point (I'm a real ray of sunshine). Also, at any time in life, you can lose your freedom / independence through illness or injury and, at that point, family might give your life meaning and purpose.

It's so hard because you have (whatever you decide) the biggest decision you will make in your life and there are so many factors / emotions / other people's opinions.

I was really unhappy in my teens and especially my 20s and when I got to 29/30 and met people with kids and all they talked about was how hard it was, I thought no way would I want to go into another really hard situation . But my body was screaming at me to have a baby and there is so much pressure! There is nothing like feeling you are being pushed and railroaded into something to make you slam the drawbridge.

I do wonder if people's honesty about parenting is a factor in people's decision not to have kids. I will admit to feeling a bit bitter as I did feel like people had 'kept the good bits to themselves'.

I also have endometriosis that was causing me a lot of pain and could have caused problems ttc. I almost wish we had tried to find out either way!

I was also absolutely terrified of childbirth and didn't like the idea of pregnancy.

We weren't in the kind of financial position where the strains of parenting could have been smoothed over with money.

When I was in my late 30s we were so busy with other stuff, I actually kind of forgot about it but it has loomed back again now.

If I had the time over, I don't know what I would do.

I don't know if that is any help at all. It is maybe a good idea to work out what exactly it is that puts you off having kids and see if you can work through it.

Best of luck whatever you decide and remember that life can be tough and wonderful in all situations.

Sometimes I think it's about knowing yourself. I am someone who revels in being alone, under stimulated not over stimulated. I have my DP who is similar to me. I don't like to have business in my life, I get overwhelmed and anxious on months where I am particularly busy and couldn't imagine the addition of a child in that too! Know yourself. I also think it's easier to make the decision when you know what children are like (teacher here!) - not in a negative way, I get the feelings of love and pride of seeing them progress and learn, but can see that they are needy, and I hate people needing me and I feel uncomfortable and anxious when people show me too much love (e.g. birthdays, special events like weddings, hen parties). That's just me, I love myself and time with myself. If you like being needed and showered with love, if you like having plans and being busy all the time then it could be for you. If you don't, you might find it harder? That's my perception anyway.