Thread for the undecided

[BeverlyToegold]

A thread for anyone without children who's not sure if they want that to be permanent.

I vacillate between being entirely content with a childfree future, and my biological clock screaming in my ear. I'm in my early thirties and happily single, and I feel if I do want a dc I need to start planning for that. But I'm not completely sure if I want a child, or if I'd be a good mother! 🤷

Any other fence sitters want to chat?

I am having a lightbulb moment and PP talking about finding child free female friends.... how does one do that? This is absolutely an area of my life that feels vacant. I have got to 35 and all friends have drifted, moved on, on the other side when I got divorced.... everyone I used to have a good friendship with that has drifted has a child.....

In the past few years I’ve made friends through joining my local branch of the Women’s Rights Network & volunteering for the local cat rescue. I know some of them have kids & some don’t but in a lot of cases, I don’t know.

I am also a bit of a fence sitter. I really struggle with noise, lack of sleep and lack of time to myself (I suspect I might be somewhere on the spectrum!) and really value my freedom. I’ve always been very CF, never had the urge for kids, had a brother who was 10 years younger which showed me the reality of a child - I couldn’t stand him as a teen and wished I was an only child! (But if I was his parent I guess I would have that “indescribable love” and he would have seemed less annoying?)

For me, there’s a few factors at play. 1, I’m drifting away from a lot of my friends as they either have got their own niche hobbies/new friends or are having kids. I’ve not made loads of new friends (the ones I have made moved away) and feel quite lonely. My hobbies are badminton, sewing, puzzle books, basically stuff for geriatrics. My childfree life plan was to “make loads of cool friends” but how am I going to do that at 60 if I can’t even do it at 31?

2, I do often wake up at 6am thinking my life is just Groundhog Day, work, phone, TV, dinner, sleep. It does feel a bit empty and even holidays are getting a bit “meh” as I’ve been to 35+ countries and nothing really impresses me that much anymore.

3, I come from a very conservative country and there is SO MUCH pressure and comments from various grandparents. My parents are mostly OK and have accepted it, but my grandparents seem to have amnesia and any explanation from me is either forgotten about the next time they call and say “when are you having kids” or they just make horrible comments at me like “what’s the point of your life then”. I actually hate visiting now so my annual visits are now like once every 4 years. They’re all young though so not going to die anytime soon. Part of wanting to remain childfree for life is almost to spite them for being so awful to me.

I don’t know how much any of my “wanting kids” is just societal pressure, family pressure, wanting to fit in, FOMO, boredom and lack of fulfilment. Those are all terrible reasons but people do it for worse reasons (and “I had an urge” isn’t a great reason either tbf). I definitely don’t have an urge, but I just don’t know 😫

Hope you don't mind me posting, I'm similarly trying to work out which side of the fence to come down on.

I've always been pretty set on no kids, unless I get this "maternal urge" mothers describe. It's not happened - or at least not in the all-encompassing, can't stop thinking about it way I imagine/hear it described.

But I am beginning to imagine my life with a kid. I've found myself researching schools and clubs. My hobbies and career are beginning to feel a little boring and I get a lot of fun from spending time with kids in the family or of friends. I know having kids for a weekend though isn't anywhere the same as having your own.

I'm a loner, an introvert who really likes time to "decompress". I wouldn't say I'm particularly energetic. Someone mentioned here they were similar but also hated being needed. I do quite like that feeling and I tend to be the go-to for practical help and support. I guess I like to feel responsible.

I can't work out if this maternal urge thing I'm waiting for is real or not. I cant work out whether my boredom with life is making me more susceptible to thoughts about kids. I wouldn't want to have kids to try and "fix" my life though ofc!

@Nc4dis Do you 'want kids' though? Your reasons are all mainly reasons why you're drifting away from being adamantly childfree, rather than actively wanting to be a parent. Do you have a partner? I mean this in a supportive way, rather than trying to criticise, but your days being work - phone - TV - bed, and your hobbies taking up time but not enabling you to meet cool (CF?) friends are your choices. Those things are at least partly within your control, you could spend your evenings doing things that are more likely to bring you into the orbit of the type of people you aspire to be friends with.

@KindleLindle what age are you and do you have a partner? Not that it's necessarily relevant, but I do think the pressure/expectations ramp up when you're mid 30s and married.

Hey @Possimpible thanks for responding. I'm mid-30s and been in a relationship for the last 8 years. There was definitely more pressure there in my early 30s but I think my family has largely "given up" on convincing me.

Me potentially moving away from being childfree would be a massive shocker to me, I think my parents would fall over!

I don't want to do it because others have or there is pressure. Equally, I can't explain why I spent so long looking at OFSTED reports for my local nurseries last week.

@KindleLindle I don't think there's anything wrong with considering your options, in fact I think more people should. I'm constantly amazed by my peers who get pregnant and are then surprised about their employer's maternity policy/cost of childcare etc, as I've read up on all that stuff in order to make my current decision to be childfree..! If a lot of your friends are going through the nursery stage it's not surprising it's on your mind.

No and I never have…..I just feel like a freak. I get so many pass-agg comments from family/colleagues and would love to just fit in for once and do the normal thing. I want to want it, but I don’t actually want it, if that makes sense. I say “wow congrats!” when friends announce pregnancies but inside I’m thinking “why would you do this to yourself?Am I an alien because I just don’t get it?”. Rationally I understand that it makes other people happy, hence they nearly always have more than 1 child, but I really don’t think I’d enjoy it, cope or be good at it. I could see myself having a breakdown, getting sectioned or just running away if I had a baby.

I’ve been married for 5 years, together for 8, and my husband is similar to me - goes between total CF and on-the-fence about 1 max. But also doesn’t actively want it, just gets loads of randomers telling him how it’s amazing and he’s missing out. But we both agree FOMO is not a good reason. Neither of us have an “urge”.

Totally agree on the hobbies thing. I did used to do more hobbies/join groups but none of it came to anything and I sort of gave up. I don’t like where I live and mentally have tapped out - it’s a boring small town with yummy mummies/retirees, we made the mistake of moving to suburbia during Covid and I feel really isolated. I am doing a trial move to a big UK city next month (half my work team is based there), so that’ll be exciting. Not to get the violins out but I have a health condition that means I’m often knackered from doing very little, so I have all sorts of intentions to go out for the evening to a social, then comes 5pm and I collapse in a heap on the sofa.

*I say “wow congrats!” when friends announce pregnancies but inside I’m thinking “why would you do this to yourself?Am I an alien because I just don’t get it?”.

Rationally I understand that it makes other people happy, hence they nearly always have more than 1 child, but I really don’t think I’d enjoy it, cope or be good at it. I could see myself having a breakdown, getting sectioned or just running away if I had a baby.*

Snap. I didn’t get the pass-ag comments but at 50 I’m very glad I never had a baby. You’re doing the right thing.

@Possimpible I was literally saying this to DP the other day that I don’t get how people are very pregnant (planned) and suddenly realise that they won’t be getting paid anymore (or very little) while on maternity leave and panic about how they will cope without one earner for a year!! I would certainly be checking my employer's policy and working out a budget for the maximum mat leave i expect to take if I was going to ttc to make sure I could even afford it. I guess some people want babies regardless whereas I think if I actually thought it was going to be too hard financially it would put me off.

also @KindleLindle ive also researched schools etc in areas we want to move to even though I’m still a fence sitter. And also the cost of private schools - even though we probably can’t afford it.

I think I’m the opposite - I have the ‘urge’ but I really question where it comes from because logically I’m not sure having a kid is something I would enjoy overall because of being touched out, over stimulated, the responsibility etc.

And I think there's also the other pressure from the completely certain childfree, whose rhetoric often makes it sound as if having a baby is a weird, inexplicable and slightly disgusting fetish, and there's all that hostile 'crotchgoblin/breeder' stuff, which also leaves out a lot of people who don't feel similar certainty or indeed hostility.

I mean, it's nowhere near the level of the general societal pressure to have a child, but I certainly found its blanket certainty didn't speak for me either when I was trying to decide.

I think it's very helpful to air the idea that it's not a straightforward or easily made decision for many women.

I have been using the withdrawal method from 2015 to 2023 and then had unprotected sex from mid 2023 to mid 2024. Still not pregnant. And I was 22 years old in 2015!

We are undergoing investigations but there is basically a cumulative probability of 90% that I should be pregnant now.

Unsure if I want to go through ivf or adoption. Don't feel I want to go to such lengths...

i’m 63 and was ttc over 30 years ago. With hindsight I think my reasons for wanting children were 50/50 biological urge and social reasons - social conditioning, FOMO, feeling left out because all my friends were having babies, feeling ready for change of lifestyle/time out of the workplace. Ow I’ve got to know myself better I think I would have found motherhood very hard. I’m an introvert and get my energy from being alone and having my own space.

Firmly child free here. Had many wobbles/fence sitting moments in my early 30s for a few years for various reasons, but with hindsight I’m glad I stayed child free. I’d have hated it.

I had two friends who were also declared childfree who now have toddlers/primary school aged kids. One admitted she always wanted kids but felt it “wasn’t cool” to admit it! She’s finding motherhood hard as her DH is useless but happy with her decision. The second one fell victim to a biological clock ticking (her words) and a DP who had a crisis because all his friends had grown up houses and kids, and they had a flat with no kids. She regrets having hers. She’s openly said this. Loves her child deeply, would fight a bear for him, but ultimately thinks she would have been happier staying child free.

I have a wide social circle with and without children so I fortunately don’t feel pushed out because I’m child free.

Two people regret having kids out of your WIDE friendship circle? That's not very high.

Seems like you have an agenda @Tolip. Are you undecided/on the fence about children? Do share...

@Possimpible How about you share.

My post wasn't to you.

And I think there's also the other pressure from the completely certain childfree, whose rhetoric often makes it sound as if having a baby is a weird, inexplicable and slightly disgusting fetish, and there's all that hostile 'crotchgoblin/breeder' stuff, which also leaves out a lot of people who don't feel similar certainty or indeed hostility.

In the early 90s when I was ttc it was the other way around it was not wanting children that was seen as weird, inexplicable and slightly disgusting. Being childfree was not seen as a valid choice, at best weird, at worst selfish. People who were open about not wanting children were regarded with deep suspicion. Which obviously added to the social pressure.

I have shared hunni, in December.

Im 39 and have always said I didn't want children. But just recently I've been thinking maybe I do.

I love my independence and I'll be honest I'm totally selfish. Like having nice things and money to spend as I see fit.

When friends/family have babies I totally see myself having one then as they grow up I begin to think I definitely not. I do have in the back of my head maybe one day but now I don't have long to think about it.

Recently single too so the clock is ticking. The way I see it now if it's meant to be it will happen. I'm not going to go down the route of what if / IVF / checking for fertility. If the time comes and I have the right man then I'll try but that's about as much as I'll do

I've been "TTC" over a year now and still haven't bothered to go back to the GP. I sway between just leaving it and if it happens it happens, or wanting to see if there is an issue. I don't want to go down IVF or adoption routes though.
I'm now 38, and just still so 50/50 about it all and keep swaying between the thought of it all.

There's both now. In general most people still think choosing to be childfree is unusual/a bit weird/something to be talked out of (see recent PP...), like family, work colleagues etc. People you see in everyday life. But then when you try to 'find your tribe' among the CF there can be hostility towards parents. Not on here (hopefully obviously), but definitely on Facebook groups etc. It's tolerance and balance that's hard to find. Like I might not want children, but I understand why other people do. I just ask for them to show me the same understanding.

same here, though i have investigated with the GP. I am 32 this year though, but have been using unreliable methods like withdrawal since 2015, and TTC for a year.

I dont really want to go down the IVF/adoption route either.

What does your partner think of it all? My DH does think we should go through the IVF and adoption route if we need to (though he thinks we should leave it for now and keep TTC), but he admittedly doesn't have much knowledge of what it all entails.

sorry just saw that you replied to my message!

I am amazed that there is someone like me, most people seem bereaved that they can't conceive. I feel sad but also relieved in a way cos it means life is 'simpler', i don't need to upsize, i don't need to think about childcare etc.

Yes its sad that i haven't conceived as a part of me wants to be a mum but on the other hand this is life. I hate having asthma too but its just something i was born with. infertility is just another condition like that

That's just it. I've been on a few TTC threads and forums but realised I'm not feeling the huge upset and heartbreak each month that others report. Instead I start thinking of the life I could have without children.
I think I probably will go to the GP again at some point as I do think it would be useful to have investigations. I think I just want to know if everything looks OK and therefore it's just 'unexplained infertility' or if there's some factors that mean there's a low chance or whatever. It's almost like I want to be told 'there's X reason and you have a low chance' so I can then just move on with my life knowing that it likely won't happen anyway?