MNers without children

[MrsDanversGlidesAgain]

What's with the board name change out of the blue?

To be fair I'd consider myself in the middle, so I'm probably reacting without thinking.
It bothers me how contentious this board has been in the past, I just hope it stays calm.
I'll shut up now. 😬😏

This is another good example of why the board shouldn’t be in active. It’s not the place for parents to rattle on about how having kids late in life when they were undecided is the best thing that ever happened to them. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/4937047-why-arent-i-feeling-excited-at-being-childfree-when-ive-never-wanted-children?reply=130526006

It's not like it doesn't say which board it is RIGHT ABOVE THE BLOODY THREAD TITLE. If someone misses that even Specsavers can't help...

And posts like that are extraordinarily insensitive to women who wanted to have children & couldn’t.

Unfortunately, all the disclaimers and board title changes in the world make no difference because people don’t read them - they barely read the OPs let alone anything else.

The only answer is removing the board from active, which MN won’t do, so… yeah. All feels a bit pointless really.

And yeah, all those comments all about how no mum regrets having kids have put me in a right bad mood (I had the fun of two abusive parents).

@fitzwilliamdarcy if you want a giggle go read towards the end of the childproofing one. Some posters were hilarious and I shall never shorten the word vegetables again

It was. The name they ended up with was a surprise to many of us as it was never just intended to be for people that didn't want children

They've just changed it to the name a lot of us asked for in the first place!

That thread... I don't mean to be nasty about the poster who had a stillbirth, that is obviously horribly traumatic, but did she really not know about infertility, TFMR, miscarriage etc until that happened? And is saying going through it all made her more empathetic. We've had this conversation many times on here, but it baffles me that some people seem to need to personally experience something to know about it or be able to sympathise.

I read a stat recently that only 20% of women plan for more than three months before TTC. I'm 100% sure all of us on the CF forum will have put more thought into it than most of them.

It would be good to have a space for actual childfree members i.e. people who have chosen in a positive way not to have children and a space where mums didn't constantly post about how having little Timmy was the best thing that ever happened to them. I find a lot of childfree spaces very anti-child which I am not but so often on here there are too many pro-motherhood posts.

I really feel for the women here who have not had children even though they wanted to be mothers but I think they should have there own space where they can find proper support and the actual happy to be childfree people can discuss their lives and choices without worrying about being callous.

I think they should have there own space

A lot of us childless posters campaigned for this space on the original thread. We stand here on our own merits. This is our own space - our own shared space. And there are plenty of us who have discussed moving from childless to childfree

the actual happy to be childfree people can discuss their lives and choices without worrying about being callous

The only posts I have ever seen complaining about the childfree being callous are posts from parents not childless people

@Moreempatheticmyarse I just think it would be better to have a childfree space as opposed to one where people are dealing with the grief of not having a family, to me it is two very different things, but that is just my opinion.

Fuck it I'm out

I've put up with years of MN threads telling me I'm less that. I joined in emphatically in the original request thread. I've stood up for childfree posters on multiple occasions.

But now apparently I am still not good enough. Despite the fact I no longer want children. Despite the fact I have, under various names, defended this thread and defended childfree posters I am not welcome.

Not good enough to join the parents and no longer good enough to join the childfree because I apparently need "proper support".

For full disclosure my MN name at the time of the request thread was Catchasingmewithspiders. You can see my posting history. I've also been Ifeelsuchflutterings and Insommmmnia

Apparently its no longer obvious that childless posters don't waft around for the rest of their lives Mrs Haversham style bewailing their lack of children and I am sick of defending myself on two fronts.

This is my space. I helped get it made, I helped shape it. So fucking have it at.

@Moreempatheticmyarse No don't worry I'll go.

I've always seen this as a shared space between the childfree and the childless. We have a lot in common, possibly more than we have differences and don't see why this is even a debate.

We've managed thus far with a mix of childfree and childless posters so why does it need to change?

As for certain posts upsetting people, the reality is, it's the internet. Sometimes it's unavoidable. I'd like to think that we're all adults here and can use our own common sense.

If someone is feeling particularly sensitive about something, and they see a post that may be triggering to them-they ought to avoid that post. The answer really isn't in trying to force separate spaces (where separate spaces isn't necessary) but in people self-moderating their own behaviour.

I think we've largely done a solid job of avoiding any or too much conflict between the childfree and childless posters.

I'm also going to say that not everyone who is childless is spending the remainder of their days wallowing in misery. Many go on to become childfree and are happy.

And what about the vast majority who don't fit in a neat little box?

Those of us without children don't have to commit to being either grief stricken childless or merrily Childfree, the reality is many shades of grey

That's fine but why not have a this space and one for people who are actually childfree?

Because many of the issues - holiday destinations, Christmas plans, work discrimination, inheritance plans, power of attorney etc etc etc - apply to people without children regardless of how they feel about that fact.

You could if you wanted post a thread about the joys of childfree life and ask people to name their favourite. You’d get childless people weighing in with their favourite thing, because it’s not all sadness and woe. I’m infertile but thankful I don’t have small beings dependent on me - it would terrify me.

There are threads seeking support on how to move from childless sadness to childfree contentment. Those threads have some of the wisest and best contributions on this board. Where would those threads go, in your separated board hypothetical?

I don’t believe that we need two boards, and all this train of thought does is sow division within a group which already spends too much time having to fight with other posters to keep this space safe.

That's all fine, I was merely saying I would personally prefer a properly "childfree" space or option of one which was for people who took the positive, intentional choice not to have children, who weren't asking how to cope with a childless future, or with potential regret, last minute jitters, or grief over losses. While I can empathise with people in that situation I feel it is quite a different position to someone who wants to be childfree. I also don't enjoy many of the childfree spaces online which refer to parents as breeders or children and crotch goblins I don't hate children I just never wanted any and am happy with my choice. I think that is different to someone who has come to terms with not having children. It seems to me childless/free spaces online are either cynical child haters or people who mourn the lack of children. It would be nice if there were a space for those who are positively childfree, perhaps this isn't it but as I said before its just my opinion and I am entitled to post it. I still think a separate space would be better and very welcome and I hope we get a childfree board back.

Personally I think it should go all out and be the 'why are you even on Mumsnet???' board.

Thanks for this board

Because most people don't fit into either.

But some people do fall into this group and might like a space here where they don't have to tip toe around things that could be painful for others.

I don't know how people don't realise childfree and childless have been on this board hapoily alongside each other the whole time? There is no need to separate us.
The board is for both and thus far there was actually no issue. We actually coexist really well imho! Would coexost better outside lf active though...

There is no tiptoeing. I saw a thread about how do people deal with the realisation of not being able to have kids. I don't post because it's not my issue. Meanwhile those who are grieving not having children don't post on threads about being happy not having kids. It works. It works really well.
Outside of active...

Clearly MN aren’t going to be able to make everyone happy with the name of the board so why not just…start threads with titles making it clear it’s for childfree people. Or childless people.

this argument really is silly - childfree people don’t need a safe space from childless people. People who don’t have children just need a little corner of MN to discuss that and we have it. And yes I’m childfree by choice.

I really feel for the women here who have not had children even though they wanted to be mothers

But as I've said upthread @weeddigger it's not an either/or for everyone - well, at least, not for me. I haven't read the whole of the thread PPs are linking to, but I suspect that, had I found myself pregnant in my early 40s it would have been a miracle, really I might have been very ambivalent but also not unhappy with the idea ... I don't know.

It was out of the question for me because ever since a break up in my mid-30s with the person who I thought was my life partner, I've been single & celibate - none of this by design or voluntarily, it just happened.

I went through a lot of baby-yearning in my 40s, but I think it was long grief for the relationship which for me, was the one. I wanted the whole package: husband, children settled life etc etc.

Now I look back and think "Thank Goodness!" - I have a rather lovely life, and it's all mine. But my late 30s & 40s were difficult, and I'd never say I was always & deliberately childfree.