As a mother...

[Ducksinthebath]

"As a mother..." seems to be how about how just about every opinion expressed to me about the Middle East situation seems to start at the moment.

Same for XL Bully issues, the recent party conferences and every blooming thought that comes out someone's head about the environment.

I feel like I'm in an echo chamber with Andrea Leadsom and it's irritating.

All of it! I’m writing about a convent at the moment and it just occurred to me that some of the women who say this stuff to us might even choose to say it about those who’ve chosen the religious life.

Ignore the goady fucker.

We tried to get it moved and MN said No. There's a caption asking people to be respectful and that's being ignored. Some people really need to get more useful hobbies.

I am surprise yhis thread was brought back up actually.

@SoLongAndThanksForAllTheVaricoseVeins can't find anything surprisingly! Just that they are too feminist so got told of by Vatican. Which is interesting!

Apparently so:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.passionistnuns.org/blog/2022/1/17/nun-myths-debunked-no-husband-or-children%3fformat=amp

@SoLongAndThanksForAllTheVaricoseVeins because that's what is meant by it. Think about it - how many people start a conversation with "I'm so much better than you, and here's my opinion on the local bus route." It would be odd. Seems to be just mums that get accused of that!

I never realised before just how much some people see obtuseness and personal lack of self-awareness as a virtue.

@MsBattenburg <sigh> well, maybe ... but in my experience, as a woman without children, I've been told variously that I"m not fully grown up, than I "don't know" what deep feelings are, all sorts of things along those lines, BECAUSE I haven't reproduced.

So excuse me if I'm not interested in you trying to tell me about my own experience.

I was childfree for most of my adult life

Oh this is such BS. You're not childless/childfree/without children. Stop trying to tell us about our own experience.

There's a word for this

Gaslighting.

But you need to hear it, FarEast! the adults have decided!

It’s just mums who seem to find it relevant in all sorts of contexts where it has nowt to do with anything - the conflict in the Middle East is bringing soooo many of the “as a MUM” lot out of the woodwork.

Mums have a “stake” as you put it in many things, but they do not have a “stake” in what’s happening in Gaza, unless they live in Gaza of course. We all have a stake in this not turning in WW3 - being a mum is completely irrelevant.

To give another example, I once heard “is payroll pretty hot in this organisation? As a mum it’s important I’m paid.”

It’s when it’s used to denote special importance or insight or understanding where none exists that it’s bloody irritating. It’s important to everyone to get paid, so they don’t default on their mortgage/end up in rent arrears/starve to death/have no heating etc etc etc.

Seems to be just mums that get accused of that!

If you want to internalise it and get upset that's your issue.

The most of my adult life is quite telling too

I mean a 24 year old with a 1 year old child has been "childfree" for most of their adult life. Still doesn't add up to a very large percentage of their overall life though

How do you decide who is worthy of posting on this board out of interest?

There are bound to be women on here, currently happily childfree, who at some point in the future will have a change of heart, or maybe a contraception failure...and it turns out that they were actually - shock horror - PRE CHILDREN, not childfree after all!

How do you guarantee eternal childfree status of posters?

@DoktorPeppa We don’t need to. Said person is childfree now, so they’re perfectly entitled to be here.

Said person would be welcome to continue posting if they become a parent, so long as they’re respectful to the intention behind the board. So posting things like “when I was childfree I agreed with this but now I’m a mum I’m here to tell you you’re all wrong” = not ok.

What @fitzwilliamdarcy says! 👏

Honestly, this board would be perfectly fucking peaceful were it not for parents popping up every ten minutes asking questions that don’t need to be asked, because those who the board is actually for understand it.

What @fitzwilliamdarcy says! 👏

And again for those at the back.

Also this, which bears repeating because it's a succinct summing up of why the phrase irks.

It’s when it’s used to denote special importance or insight or understanding where none exists that it’s bloody irritating. It’s important to everyone to get paid, so they don’t default on their mortgage/end up in rent arrears/starve to death/have no heating etc etc etc.

If a woman at the age of 43 after being specifically, determinedly and happily childfree all that time, having arranged her life around not having children suddenly has a contraceptive failure and realises that although she doesn't want children she can't bring herself to have an abortion that's one thing.

What we actually get a lot of is "I was childfree until I had children at 32" when what the poster means is "I was waiting for the right man/right job/right house/right amount of money/I hadn't considered it" which is not the same thing at all but it gets treated as the same thing and they then use us to tell us we are doing it wrong, our opinions are wrong, we are selfish cold hearted but simultaneously aggressive and angry women who just need to calm down and realise that we will never be fully formed human beings.

I have found as Ive got to my 40s my interactions with people who have realised I'm not having kids (and assume because of my job I must be childfree) are very different now to in my early 30s. So actually it's not the same experience at all if you have kids earlier.

Every single fucking thread and they crawl out of the woodwork to educate us

Absolutely this.
It's not just about not having kids at the moment. People plan future based on that. Inheritance, retirement, picking partner is also different matter, living area and so on. It is completely different mindset and situation to "not yet".

I don't understand why you don't seem to understand that this board is for people who are not mums. Its original name was "MumsNot".

@DoktorPeppa *There are bound to be women on here, currently happily childfree, who at some point in the future will have a change of heart, or maybe a contraception failure...and it turns out that they were actually - shock horror - PRE CHILDREN, not childfree after all!

How do you guarantee eternal childfree status of posters?*

I'm early 30s and childfree, but if this was to happen to me and I became a parent I would simply not post on this board any more? I'd likely move to the Pregnancy or Parenting or Teenagers forum, whatever was relevant to my life (and AIBU and S&B and whatever else we all use regardless of parental status). This board wouldn't interest me then. God knows why it interests so many people who are parents already.

Quite. The board is for people who are not parents, and not intending to become parents. If someone changes their mind and starts TTC or decides to go ahead with a pregnancy after a contraceptive failure, the board isn't going to be relevant to them anymore.

Then it's probably useful for you to hear from people what is meant by it, so that you no longer assume it's about you

This one definitely in the running for most patronising parentsplaining 👏👏👏