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This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

As a mother...

306 replies

Ducksinthebath · 13/10/2023 16:20

"As a mother..." seems to be how about how just about every opinion expressed to me about the Middle East situation seems to start at the moment.

Same for XL Bully issues, the recent party conferences and every blooming thought that comes out someone's head about the environment.

I feel like I'm in an echo chamber with Andrea Leadsom and it's irritating.

OP posts:
Fireisland · 14/10/2023 20:55

Boomboom22 · 14/10/2023 20:51

Yes it's not empathy so much as terror

Yes I think this is pretty accurate!

I have a heightened sense of my own mortality now, and worry more about the world that my DD will be in once I'm gone...I don't think I'm nicer or more empathetic as a mother but 100% it's different to when I wasn't.

RandomMess · 14/10/2023 20:55

I think the thought of your child dying can be very intense it's a living person being missing from your life and you generally love your DC unconditionally so I guess that is different to someone that doesn't have DC.

Not sure why it makes it necessary to somehow announce that your opinion is erm special or valid because of that.

Isthisexpected · 14/10/2023 21:00

As a mother can also just mean that the speaker has gone through psychological, neurological and hormonal changes (the childfree haven't) which influence their perspective.

ShellySarah · 14/10/2023 21:02

If we are to believe that having children shows you the true power and depth of love - why are so many mothers on here so unhappy and spiteful?

They say the most vicious things as loving mothers.

Alstroemeria123 · 14/10/2023 21:03

Isthisexpected · 14/10/2023 21:00

As a mother can also just mean that the speaker has gone through psychological, neurological and hormonal changes (the childfree haven't) which influence their perspective.

I’m still struggling to see why this means a special perspective on things like tights fitting well, though!

Emmalin · 14/10/2023 21:04

@ShellySarah Not just on here ... plenty of arseholes around who are also parents.

RandomMess · 14/10/2023 21:08

Well my twin skin flabby gross post babies stomach has made tight wearing even more uncomfortable than before 🤣😜

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 21:13

@NunsKnickers "To me it's code for 'I'm really stupid and lacking in empathy for anyone who has made different life choices than me'"

Do you ever wonder why people are sometimes a little impatient with you?

AnImaginaryCat · 14/10/2023 21:20

I honestly think anyone who says that is the sort of person also says nonsense such as "how hilarious were the things you used to think about parenting before you had your own". Obviously assuming everyone is a clueless numpty like them.

In other words they are inward thinking and lack empathy.

It's worse when they label themselves "empaths" by which they mean "this is the emotion I have assumes you have judge by who I think you are". (Such as thinking a person without children could possibly understand how it would feel to lose a child.)

AnImaginaryCat · 14/10/2023 21:22

Alstroemeria123 · 14/10/2023 21:03

I’m still struggling to see why this means a special perspective on things like tights fitting well, though!

Show quote history

I can't even think of a sarcastic answer for this.

It's just so bizarre.

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 14/10/2023 22:31

AnImaginaryCat · 14/10/2023 21:20

I honestly think anyone who says that is the sort of person also says nonsense such as "how hilarious were the things you used to think about parenting before you had your own". Obviously assuming everyone is a clueless numpty like them.

In other words they are inward thinking and lack empathy.

It's worse when they label themselves "empaths" by which they mean "this is the emotion I have assumes you have judge by who I think you are". (Such as thinking a person without children could possibly understand how it would feel to lose a child.)

Quite. Anyone who starts a sentence with “Speaking as a mother” deserves to have everything else they say ignored. But you do get extra points if they adopt a pious facial expression while they say it.

NunsKnickers · 15/10/2023 06:45

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 21:13

@NunsKnickers "To me it's code for 'I'm really stupid and lacking in empathy for anyone who has made different life choices than me'"

Do you ever wonder why people are sometimes a little impatient with you?

Wow, that's a stretch!

People aren't impatient with me. People generally like me.

When people say insensitive things about my childfree status, which does happen sometimes, I smile and hide my true feelings. Because I'm not rude, as you are implying.

You on the other hand, don't sound very nice at all.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2023 06:50

The way I felt about some things did change after becoming a parent

It's not that I lacked empathy before, and obviously it does mean that people who aren't parents lack empathy, but there was a level of emotional reaction to some topics that it hard to explain. The best way I could try to describe it was a horrible emotional deep in the stomach sort of response, that's probably an evolutionary throwback, like "that could be my DC".

Edit: sorry I didn't see this was childfree mumsnetters. It was in active.

PenelopeTheShroudWeaver · 15/10/2023 07:10

There's another dimension to this.

I'm a mother (came here from active, sorry for gatecrashing!), and it's not uncommon for fellow parents to use this as a way to show that they are so much better at parenting than you are.

Along the lines of "oh, you let your DD play computer games/ eat crisps/ have plastic toys? I would never let my DC do this, as a mother I think they're really damaging for children", etc

It used to make me feel crap at baby groups, when I had post partum depression and was already feeling like a massive failure. These days I just find it funny, and I mentally file the speaker under the "knob" category and move on

Xmasbabyxmas · 15/10/2023 07:19

Emmalin · 14/10/2023 20:43

Actually I do feel an additional dimension about awful things since becoming a parent. It's not because I'm a nicer or more empathetic person though. It's because I've created people who are now running around in the world with all its harms so I feel each threat once for myself and once for each of them.

As soon as I had my first child I knew I was vulnerable on a new front, ie through him.

I guess it's just another aspect of ego though. It doesn't make me better than people who don't have kids. But it is different compared with how it was before.

I think it's this. I definitely feel more upset at horrible things happening in the world since having children. However the extra strength of feeling comes from the utter fear of something happening to my daughters, and not being able to keep them safe. Any inference that this is the same as a deeper, more empathetic insight or a more valid world view is bollocks. IME a lot of people talk crap and like to spout uninformed opinions.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2023 07:29

PenelopeTheShroudWeaver
That's an interesting point and you've got me thinking about it more.

Whilst it's common for parents to realise they respond differently with their emotions on certain topics since having children, most of us wouldn't sit discussing politics or world events with childfree friends and say "as a mother..." as a preface to our personal views of a war/policy because it's irrelevant.

The people who use "as a mother..." with childfree friends are probably the same people who use "as a mother..." with other mother's to prove they're the superior parent. They're just arseholes.

NunsKnickers · 15/10/2023 08:10

@LolaSmiles

I agree.

The phrase is used as it makes the user feel superior.

Which is an arsehole thing to do.

Comebacksoon · 15/10/2023 08:27

It's because you feel things differently when you're a mother. Before DC I was definitely upset about child abuse etc but now 'as a mother' it's like I've grown a new dimension of feeling around children suffering. This is very common in mothers.

Comebacksoon · 15/10/2023 08:29

It's not about signalling superiority, it's about acknowledging those feelings.

NunsKnickers · 15/10/2023 08:30

I find it interesting that parents have come onto a childfree mumsnetters thread to tell us all that we're wrong in our feelings.

Being spoken down to and patronised because we don't have children is unpleasant and for some of us very upsetting.

It's a horrible, unnecessary phrase.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 15/10/2023 08:32

It irriates me too. I have 2 children but I can't stand the 'as a mother blah blah blah' as if motherhood gives you some kind of authority on compassion etc....
Motherhood has changed me but i don't feel my opinion should be listened too more than child free women.

Lottapianos · 15/10/2023 08:36

'I find it interesting that parents have come onto a childfree mumsnetters thread to tell us all that we're wrong in our feelings.'

Interesting, but not even slightly surprising ☺️

Howtohandl · 15/10/2023 08:37

@LolaSmiles i agree - since becoming a mother there are certain news stories, for example, the situation in Gaza, I saw a report of a 5 year old girl shaking with fear in a hospital, and also thinking about the children killed in that attack on a convoy…it provokes a kind of deep fear response in the pit of my stomach, not so much empathy, but fear…as I’m thinking, how would I feel if that were my children…and I get moved to tears watching the news, it’s the most awful thing you can imagine. I empathised with them before kids but never had that response..However, I DONT think that makes me more empathetic or a better person than others without kids, it’s just a kind of emotional response. I would also never use the phrase , as a mother, that’s ridiculous, there are many mothers who aren’t empathetic and many childfree people who are.

Noicant · 15/10/2023 08:40

I had my DD late and it has changed things for me. I can’t read anything/ watch anything to do with any kind of child abuse, I’m not saying it didn’t affect me before but it’s definitely worse now (DH said he feels the same). I can’t even skim read stuff anymore. There is something about having a child that makes you more vulnerable. A lot of things I see through the lens of what if that happened to DD.

I think theres a bit of empathy because when something awful happens you can imagine a tiny smidgen of the real grief a parent my be experiencing or how my DD would feel. But mainly I think it’s true it’s an anxiety, I watch stuff and I think “how would I protect DD in those circumstances, what if I failed”. So I think those feelings are much more intense than worrying about myself or DH.

But yeah someone claiming moral superiority because they have a child is a bit silly isn’t it.

CurlewKate · 15/10/2023 08:45

I agree it's a ridiculous thing to say-although I have much more of an issue with men who respond to any awful thing that happens to a girl or a woman with "As the father of a girl..." as if having a daughter has somehow switched on their otherwise dormant understanding of VAWG-but I do think the criticism of and attribution of motives to other women on here is a bit shit, frankly.