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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

45 and realisation not having kids suddenly hitting me

312 replies

Dayatatime208 · 28/09/2023 11:40

I have no idea if this is the right place to post this.

I'm soon to turn 45 and suddenly feeling sad about not having kids. I've been on the fence about kids on and off in the past 15 years, but I think, deep down, probably thought it might happen. I think I just feel said for missing out on that human experience of being pregnant, or just having that child/parent love. I've never forgotten a friend telling me that being pregnant/having children is a 'right of passage' for a woman. I don't agree with that - clearly not true as it's simply not the case for many - but still, I feel a sort of grief.

My partner of the past five years has never wanted children, and is very black/white (aspergers) so can't understand when I say the above. For him, if you've not been sure, then you can't have really ever wanted kids, but it's more grey than than that. He says facts like 'well, you could still adopt' (but not with him as he doesn't want kids so that doesn't help and makes me sadder).

I'm lucky to have several childfree friends, but I still find it hard sometimes with those with kids and seeing their bond - the fact I'll now never be a mother/grandmother.

Add to that a good friend going through IVF on her own to have a baby telling me that 'I still have options' if I want a child. Again, I feel it's missing the point as I wouldn't do solo IVF and don't want to adopt.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Some understanding, I think, and a reminder that these feelings pass. I feel very mid-life (peri too full force now and on HRT) and looking forward, I wonder what joy there is and how to create it. Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom so I KNOW there's loads to be thankful for - but still...just a deep down sadness at the moment.

OP posts:
nodogz · 01/10/2023 11:45

And - sticking more unqualified information in here - I was 100% a cat person and found dogs way too needy until I was about 40. But then I changed.

My cat is my pal, we have our own lives and hobbies. My dog is a dependent!

Duechristmas · 01/10/2023 11:52

It's ok to feel sad but soon you will be able to embrace the freedom and financial stability being child free brings. Our child free friends are leading the way with travel and fun as we leave the adolescent years behind and finally regain our freedom with grown up kids.

CleverLilViper · 01/10/2023 11:57

I suspect that this is a lot more normal/common than many people think.

It's normal to feel sad that a door is closing even if you never wanted to walk through it in the first place. I think always knowing that there's a potential that you may someday choose to walk through the door and that the option is available to you can be somewhat reassuring and when that door is closed, it can prompt a grieving process.

That doesn't necessarily mean that you want children or should have them. It may simply mean that there was comfort to be found in having the option and now that the option is being taken off the table, you're now confronted with the questions your choices have dredged up.

Not to get too philosophical, but life is nothing but a series of choices. There will always be roads that were left unused, paths that weren't taken and whilst it's normal to wonder "what if?" it's not helpful to dwell too much on it. There's no guarantee that you would be happier with kids than you are without. Try and focus on the positives of your life.

I do find it a bit concerning that you feel you can't talk with your partner about this, regardless of his own stance on children. He should still be open to listening and understanding your feelings.

I think when it comes to the topic of being child-free by choice, many think the issue is black and white. That it's as simple as "I don't want kids," and therefore, you never ponder that choice or question it. The truth is, it's not so simple. For some, it really is "I don't want kids and that is that," door closed. For others, "I don't want kids because of x, y and z but there's part of me that is curious and maybe even open to the idea if x, y and z could be eliminated as issues."

I think even in child-free spaces there's an attitude of "you always have to be happy with your choice, no matter what," and little acknowledgement of the people who may struggle/grieve the path they didn't take, even if it was by choice and on the whole the right choice.

I believe there'll come a day of reckoning for me where I may feel similar. I know not having children is the right choice for me, and I don't want to be a mother or parent for 18 years, but there's brief moments when I wonder.

I also don't think it's helpful for people to be mentioning IVF (chances of it succeeding at 45 is slim to none) or adoption/fostering. Fostering children often means that the child has complex needs as they may have suffered immense trauma up to that point and I honestly believe that unless you have had kids yourself or have worked with children, it's not a route to go down.

Iwasafool · 01/10/2023 12:03

I know two women who went through this, both were childfree by choice and in I think their early 40s they had to have hysterectomies. Maybe it was the choice being taken away but they both really struggled, one had a full on breakdown the other got nasty with anyone who was pregnant or if you dared to mention a child.

Both got through it, both got dogs and that seemed to help.

You aren't alone and I'm sure you will come to terms with things and the puppy is a great idea.

Rosesandstars · 01/10/2023 12:04

Goodornot · 29/09/2023 08:18

I think dogs are vile creatures. They smell, you have to pick their shit up and I was bitten when young and am terrified. The current dog culture where you can't even go to a restaurant, they're in there, makes me ill.

Don't underestimate how many people don't like dogs just because you do.

Edited
Show quote history

Hi Goodornot,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your Mum.

I love dogs and from the first post it's clear that the OP likes/loves them too as she states 'considering getting a puppy'. Dogs are not kids but they do love you unconditionally and provide a lot of emotional support to a lot of people.

SophieinParis · 01/10/2023 12:05

The gut wrenching thing about life is that there are many paths available to take..and you only ever end up going down one. You never know what could have been. I do have quite a few dc, but no career, for various reasons, mainly relating to said children. I often, at least once a week,feel sad about the career I almost nearly had.

Get a dog, travel, look amazing, and see everything you want to see.

Iwasafool · 01/10/2023 12:16

Dayatatime208 · 29/09/2023 17:10

@Adriana33 it wasn't. It pretty much invalidated any life that's child-free - and I stated clearly I didn't want to do solo IVF (and i'm 45 and peri) so it felt quite tone deaf. I'm not sure if you really read or understood what I was trying to say or how I feel. To say life is better with a baby than without, and your life wasn't complete without - how is that helpful given I've said I won't do IVF and my partner doesn't want kids, and it'd prob be nearly impossible to get pregnant?!

I've got 4 and a baby in the house is a joy and a nightmare in equal measures but either way a baby is a short term stage, I've been through 4 pregnancies, 4 births, 4 lots of breastfeeding and you know what? I haven't had a baby of my own to cuddle for over 30 years. So yes if you like babies it is a lovely thing but it is a short term thing, a baby won't sort out anyone's life so don't listen to people who think a baby is the only thing that can make you happy or the answer to everything. Apart from anything else that is a huge burden to put on such a little person.

We all make choices, we all make compromises, how many people truly live a perfect life with no regrets. Get your puppy and have some cuddles, love your Godchild as that can be a very rewarding relationship. Maybe do something fun with your nieces, even busy teenagers can make time for a fun aunt.

Crisis at Christmas sounds like a good idea as well. You've got a good handle on all of this and I'm sure when those hormones behave you will be fine. Good luck.

Iwasafool · 01/10/2023 12:26

CleverLilViper · 01/10/2023 11:57

I suspect that this is a lot more normal/common than many people think.

It's normal to feel sad that a door is closing even if you never wanted to walk through it in the first place. I think always knowing that there's a potential that you may someday choose to walk through the door and that the option is available to you can be somewhat reassuring and when that door is closed, it can prompt a grieving process.

That doesn't necessarily mean that you want children or should have them. It may simply mean that there was comfort to be found in having the option and now that the option is being taken off the table, you're now confronted with the questions your choices have dredged up.

Not to get too philosophical, but life is nothing but a series of choices. There will always be roads that were left unused, paths that weren't taken and whilst it's normal to wonder "what if?" it's not helpful to dwell too much on it. There's no guarantee that you would be happier with kids than you are without. Try and focus on the positives of your life.

I do find it a bit concerning that you feel you can't talk with your partner about this, regardless of his own stance on children. He should still be open to listening and understanding your feelings.

I think when it comes to the topic of being child-free by choice, many think the issue is black and white. That it's as simple as "I don't want kids," and therefore, you never ponder that choice or question it. The truth is, it's not so simple. For some, it really is "I don't want kids and that is that," door closed. For others, "I don't want kids because of x, y and z but there's part of me that is curious and maybe even open to the idea if x, y and z could be eliminated as issues."

I think even in child-free spaces there's an attitude of "you always have to be happy with your choice, no matter what," and little acknowledgement of the people who may struggle/grieve the path they didn't take, even if it was by choice and on the whole the right choice.

I believe there'll come a day of reckoning for me where I may feel similar. I know not having children is the right choice for me, and I don't want to be a mother or parent for 18 years, but there's brief moments when I wonder.

I also don't think it's helpful for people to be mentioning IVF (chances of it succeeding at 45 is slim to none) or adoption/fostering. Fostering children often means that the child has complex needs as they may have suffered immense trauma up to that point and I honestly believe that unless you have had kids yourself or have worked with children, it's not a route to go down.

Even if you've had children you can feel that sadness when the door closes. As I've said I have 4 but one of the most gut wrenching moments of my life was when my youngest was about 2, I was carrying him as he was tired and he had his hand round my neck and he was playing with the hair just above my neck. I suddenly had this feeling that this was the end and I'd never do that with another child. I truly felt like I was going to collapse and you know what, sitting here over 30 years later I have tears in my eyes remembering that feeling. Maybe it was hormones, I really don't know and the crazy thing is I didn't want another baby so why did it make me feel so desolate?

I suspect it is something many women feel, mother or not mothers, childfree by choice or not and I think you are right about it being to do with having the option, losing the option can be tough.

Terzani · 01/10/2023 12:34

Dayatatime208 · 28/09/2023 12:02

@TookTheBook I agree this is def part of it - so hard to know what's just hormones and what are actual feelings. I hate hormones - seem to play havoc sometimes.

Hormones are overrated, peri is way overrated, menopause itself is overrated when it comes to this kind of feelings. I am 55, without children and I regret it now more than 10 years ago. At 45 I was still fertile and I was angry with my partner because he never wanted children - it wasn't grief then, it was just frustration and fear of growing old. Get a puppy or a kitten: you will find a strange solace in the process of raising a little animal, watching them grow, feeling responsible for their life, giving and receiving affection.

NorseKiwi · 01/10/2023 12:38

I havent read the whole thread. But I can relate. I am 46 and in a new relationship with an amazing guy who already has 2 kids. I have always wanted to have children and I had a miscarriage 2 years ago which was devastating. The new guy is open to having more children. Now he is open to it, it has made me think long and hard about if I want to have a child now. I have to say when I am with friend's kids, its almost fun, but its exhausting. I don't think I want to be full time parenting until I am 65........ its so much money and time and effort, that I would much rather travel with a life partner (which we can do). I cant believe it, but I think I am a "no". Children are such hard work and its relentless for such a long time. Being on Mumsnet has really put me off wanting children. I like being around kids, but there are occasional fleeting moments when its nice, but its not 'relaxing' to me as its so much talking and focus on them.

quantumbutterfly · 01/10/2023 12:42

Bookshipper · 28/09/2023 11:47

Are these feelings making you generally sad, most of the time? Or is it a sort of low-key niggle?

I'd make a list of the things you have and enjoy and focus your energies on those. Life's too short to feel sad about the paths not taken.

We can't change the past , we move forward from where we are. I have many regrets too but dwelling on them is unhealthy.

albalass · 01/10/2023 13:00

I'm a similar age OP. I have a 3yr old. Since having them I have never felt any desire for a second child. And yet when I hear that others with similar aged children are having their second (has happened a lot in last year) I feel a very deep feeling that I'm not sure how to describe. Not jealousy as I don't wish it was me who was pregnant. Maybe a grief that it's something I won't have - even though I don't want it. It makes no sense really. I think if I were 34 rather than 44 maybe I wouldn't feel that as I'd have time to change my mind (even though I don't think I would). Difficult emotions to understand.

tkwal · 01/10/2023 13:03

Be kind to yourself. You obviously put a lot of thought into your life choices. I would dare to suggest the fluctuating hormones possibly have contributed to the way you're feeling (and I'm not someone who blame menopause, or peri, for everything) You are prepared to take responsibility for your decisions and you will come to terms with it eventually. There are other ways you could contribute though...fostering, mentoring , volunteering with Childline or other Children's charities. My best wishes to you whatever you decide

80s · 01/10/2023 13:10

Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom
I see you're really keen on the dog idea from later posts and I just wanted to add to what JesusMary said above. I have had cats and now have a dog, and I've found the dog a lot more restrictive on my freedom than the cats ever were. With the cats, they could be left alone overnight, and if there was no other option we felt OK putting them in a cattery. But the dogs in kennels seemed to be constantly barking, so now whenever I go away and the dog can't come I rely on friends having her - and still feel guilty about it, as previous dog sitters have e.g. missed a sore paw or not taken her out much. Now I have also stopped WFH after 20 years, and have to leave her alone far too long for my liking in the day.
Dogs are lovely, but personally, if I was going to get another, I'd be looking to rescue an older dog rather than tying myself down for another 15 or more years. I'm 54 so want to make the most of this time while I am still hale and hearty.

I've passed the stage at which I'll be able to get my own home. Ten years ago I thought it was in the bag, and then things changed. Like you, I'm not crying into my pillow about it every night, but there's some sadness there and it's healthy and natural to acknowledge that.

RestingMurderousFace · 01/10/2023 13:16

I experienced similar when I was 45. It coincided with by ‘little’ brother having his first child, the stream of newborn pics made me sob despite never really wanting a child before. I seemed to be grieving for a life I didn’t know I wanted.

Suffice to say that 3 dogs later I’m well and truly over it!

Folklore9074 · 01/10/2023 13:23

Here's my two cents OP...

I find the run up to birthdays are always a time of reflection, 'what if's' and looking back. The older you get inevitably the more options are closed off/ruled out. On top of that perimenopause is going to playing havoc with your hormones. I reckon when this birthday is behind you, you might find these feelings are less front of mind. That you realise there are doors open to you that wouldn't be if you didn't have children. You sound like you know that already I think.

That is absolutely not to diminish your very real and valid ambivalence/mixed feelings about having children. But just know whatever path you had chosen you would wonder about the path not taken. There is some nugget of truth perhaps in your partners assertion that if you were sure, its something you'd have pushed harder for. Perhaps you kind of knew deep down it wasn't for you? I'm just speculating of course. But I would say that as someone who went through IVF I absolutely knew I wanted children, I got to a point that I also knew I would live a good life if it didn't work but what I get those same mixed feelings about my own life I do know that I was/am certain about kids.

JennyJenny8675309 · 01/10/2023 13:30

Goodornot · 29/09/2023 07:33

A woman who clearly has children goes on the childfree board and tells the OP to get a dog to heal the wound.

I don't actually have any words for how disgraceful a thing that is to say. It's shameful.

Show quote history

What? OP stated in her post that she is considering a puppy. I have adult children but now receive endless love and enjoyment from my dogs and cats. There is nothing “disgraceful” or “shameful” about the suggestion. OP is not going to have children—should she choose to wallow in regret or be open to other paths to fulfillment?

Olive19741205 · 01/10/2023 13:41

What's up with the people here saying they've got 3/4 kids so they understand what OP is going through? 😧Crass to say the least.

Iwasafool · 01/10/2023 13:50

Olive19741205 · 01/10/2023 13:41

What's up with the people here saying they've got 3/4 kids so they understand what OP is going through? 😧Crass to say the least.

I think what people, including me, are saying is we all have the moments of wondering if we took the right path, she shouldn't feel alone in how she is feeling or worry that she made the "wrong" decision, she could be feeling sad at the end of fertility if she had a dozen kids.

I'm not sure why that is crass, surely it would be crass to say well we're OK, we made the right decision and you've just got to live with it?

Honestly people try to show solidarity and compassion on here and you still get ripped to pieces.

Iwasafool · 01/10/2023 13:54

80s · 01/10/2023 13:10

Considering getting a puppy and I do love my independence/freedom
I see you're really keen on the dog idea from later posts and I just wanted to add to what JesusMary said above. I have had cats and now have a dog, and I've found the dog a lot more restrictive on my freedom than the cats ever were. With the cats, they could be left alone overnight, and if there was no other option we felt OK putting them in a cattery. But the dogs in kennels seemed to be constantly barking, so now whenever I go away and the dog can't come I rely on friends having her - and still feel guilty about it, as previous dog sitters have e.g. missed a sore paw or not taken her out much. Now I have also stopped WFH after 20 years, and have to leave her alone far too long for my liking in the day.
Dogs are lovely, but personally, if I was going to get another, I'd be looking to rescue an older dog rather than tying myself down for another 15 or more years. I'm 54 so want to make the most of this time while I am still hale and hearty.

I've passed the stage at which I'll be able to get my own home. Ten years ago I thought it was in the bag, and then things changed. Like you, I'm not crying into my pillow about it every night, but there's some sadness there and it's healthy and natural to acknowledge that.

Our dog is no longer with us but we found a foster family for her when we needed/wanted to go away. She'd go and have a holiday with them, they'd fuss and love her and they probably enjoyed the money as well but we never felt bad leaving her there. They were a retired couple, I don't think they wanted the fulltime responsibility of a dog but were real dog lovers. It seemed to work for everyone.

We found them from a card at the vets, they met the dog, had her for walks and a few times having her for the day. She was very happy with her little holidays with them.

80s · 01/10/2023 14:00

Thanks @Iwasafool - I do have a couple of people who do it but haven't found such an ideal setup yet. Either they are quite busy, or they like dogs but just don't notice what I'd notice!

PeppermintMandy · 01/10/2023 14:00

Other posters have said it already but I’d like to say it again in hope the repetition brings you reassurance.

I didn’t want kids…until I did. Had one in my late 30s. DH immediately had vasectomy afterwards. We felt this overwhelming grief that we had “closed the door” on taking the childfree option in life.

We adore our child. Loving your kid is a love like no other, but honestly that’s not necessarily a good thing! The worry you feel about every single tiny aspect of your childs existence is overwhelming. It really is a suffocating kind of love (before anyone says it no I don’t have PPA/PPD or anything else).

We don’t regret our choice to have a child. They bring us so much joy along with the stress. They are loved so deeply, BUT not a day goes by that I don’t quietly grieve the childfree road we didn’t take.

However I know I would feel exactly the same if we hadn’t had I child. I suspect you would have been the same. We can’t have it all. We can’t live all the versions that our lives could have been. We have to pick one. No choice is right or wrong. No choice is happier or sadder. They’re just different.

EarthSight · 01/10/2023 14:04

@Olive19741205 Empathy is good, but I think people with children can come across as insensitive when they try and compare their situation with people who biologically can't have children in particular. When you don't have kids, you face a much higher chance of being alone in old age, without no younger relatives or friends to call for you or look out for you.

However, the OPs situation is similar in some ways to the sadness and regret that many feel about their lives, and this being Mumsnet, she is far more likely to get responses from mothers which I'm sure she was aware of when she posted.

Fixesplease · 01/10/2023 14:22

I have 1 child, through choice ( hes 6 now) and have been on the fence about anymore , back and forth undecided quite a few times over the years.
This year, I'm hitting 40 ( next week as it happens!) And I am starting to get those prangs of regret that I don't want another one. But the thing is once I put my logical hat on I don't want anymore children.
I should say that yes I love the bones of my child.. but, motherhood has never become natural to me. I have to work at it every, single day.
As for that rush of love palava everyone keeps whittling on about, never had it. No I don't nor didn't have PPD .. I guess I just don't work that way!

I honestly think it's natural to start freaking out a bit when the choice is removed from you, even if you know full well you have made the right choice!
Hormones are funny blinking things...

Batalax · 01/10/2023 14:22

Don’t get a puppy if you love the freedom and independence. Then you’ve lost that and still not experienced motherhood.

I think it’s natural to wonder if you’ve missed out now that option is no longer an option. You have a sort of grief to contend with, but if you weren’t desperate to have them before then I think that feeling will pass as you come to terms with it.