Giving a Reason for Not Having Children

[NeonSoda]

I find, as a 38-year-old woman, that I'm asked quite a bit if I have children. I suspect that this often happens in my professional environment because I'm about a decade 'behind' in my career after going to university as a mature student for nine years relatively recently so the assumption is I took a career break to look after children (because they don't know I went to uni for that long).

I used to either say 'I don't want children' or 'I can't have children' depending on how bothered I could be to have a conversation about it. Both invite very different responses, as I'm sure others here will have experienced.

But a while back, I started saying 'I never made the choice to have children."

This really throws people because to many people in our society having children isn't a choice, it's a default behaviour as part of the escalation of their relationship. A natural thing that women/couples do.

But by saying 'I never made the choice to have children' you are instead reframing NOT having children as the default choice (which it is) and having children as an active choice that someone has made (which it is...).

Anyway, just throwing it out there in case others want to experiment with this line. I find it generally gets quite a neutral response as people process what you've just said, and they quickly move the conversation elsewhere rather than examine their own choices in life. 😂

I'm inclined to agree. I am child free. I, personally, don't want to be part of awkward conversations and it's also up to me to manage my own emotions here. I am not fragile and don't want others to be uncomfortable around me. If we were to draw up a list of questions that could upset someone based on information we can't possibly know, then that doesn't really leave many generic conversation topics for the casual small talk situation. The best solution is to be basically be mute. You can't win there.

However, I also recognise the stigma/ judgement around being child free, and I don't want that either. I think making the conversation light, smooth and easy around the topic would help. Thinking of ways to move the conversation flow past the do you have/do you want children question would help.

My husband says "oh no I couldn't eat a whole one" which is a lame joke but works for him. My colleague once said "I don't have children, I just never had them" which is a very empty answer but probably equivalent in calibre as the question. I saw on TV once someone (clearly past child bearing age) said "oh I'm still thinking about it" which was a bit funny. I usually say that I have two cats who are mischievous enough and can move the conversation on to pets.

I want us both to get past this potentially awkward topic, with the minimum of fuss. I want to get on with people, maybe make new friends. I don't want hostility, judgement or anything else that some other suggested answers might elicit.

I used to start conversations/small talk with what people like to do in their spare time. One reply I had was that they have children so.... (Implication, they have no spare time? No hobbies? Both) and that was a hell of a conversation killer. Literally anything can be a conversation killer for those unskilled enough in chatting.

The best solution is to be basically be mute.

Works for me so far.

The world would be a nicer place!

Just "Because I don't want to" is all you need to say-followed by a hard stare if necessary.

I'm autistic so anything that reduces the inane small talk I have to put up with is a good thing.

If you want to make an otherwise neutral interaction awkward then go ahead

I remember getting the third degree from a taxi driver once, he was not happy that, as a middle aged woman, I neither have children nor grandchildren. I said that it was not God's will that I should have children - (not correcting any assumption that I had tried but didn't have any)

That certainly stopped the conversation as if he had said I was still lacking as a woman, he would be implying that God is wrong. I asked him if God was wrong because an all-powerful deity would have no problem granting me a pregnancy, so God must have a reason and who am I to question that?

Was more amenable to discussing cats.

@NutellaEllaElla "If you want to make an otherwise neutral interaction awkward then go ahead" Really? It worked without incident for 17 years for me! You can smile as you say it....

I quoted a pp who said a "hard stare". That's like the opposite of smiling.

@NutellaEllaElla I said a hard stare "if necessary." Which is if the person doesn't accept and move on.