Giving a Reason for Not Having Children

[NeonSoda]

I find, as a 38-year-old woman, that I'm asked quite a bit if I have children. I suspect that this often happens in my professional environment because I'm about a decade 'behind' in my career after going to university as a mature student for nine years relatively recently so the assumption is I took a career break to look after children (because they don't know I went to uni for that long).

I used to either say 'I don't want children' or 'I can't have children' depending on how bothered I could be to have a conversation about it. Both invite very different responses, as I'm sure others here will have experienced.

But a while back, I started saying 'I never made the choice to have children."

This really throws people because to many people in our society having children isn't a choice, it's a default behaviour as part of the escalation of their relationship. A natural thing that women/couples do.

But by saying 'I never made the choice to have children' you are instead reframing NOT having children as the default choice (which it is) and having children as an active choice that someone has made (which it is...).

Anyway, just throwing it out there in case others want to experiment with this line. I find it generally gets quite a neutral response as people process what you've just said, and they quickly move the conversation elsewhere rather than examine their own choices in life. 😂

I was often asked if I had children throughout my 30s but I was never asked why I didn't. Asking me if I had children didn't bother me. I would have found the 'why' question very rude.

I don't understand the answer given by OP. Saying 'I never made the choice to have children' feels like a strangely constructed sentence. Why not just say 'I didn't want any' and leave it at that?

I'll ask an intrusive and inappropriate question but your answer must make you appear to be care-free.

Sorry this meant to quote the poster who said, these answers make you look like you have a chip on your shoulder

That's not true at all. It's just about having an awareness.

People ask me if I have kids all the time. It's fine, I just accept it as a thing that people ask. I don't hold it against them, but I'm just also saying that every time I'm asked I do get a little stab of pain.

I'd just go for more general questions about who is at home, which actually get the answer you're looking for (what does this person's home life look like?) without being as specifically about children.

hipppopotamuz General questions about who is at home are potentially hurtful too, to the person who is living alone, having just lost a partner, etc.

I do think that if there is a way to start a conversation with a thoughtful question on a neutral subject it is a better way to get to know someone, less potentially painful or annoying...

If you look at my other comments on the thread, I was just surprised that people who have chosen not to have kids are so annoyed by the question: 'do you have kids?'
Of course I am aware that someone who wanted kids could get a moment of pain from the question (which is why I don't usually ask).

I don't ask people if they have children and if people ask me I just say no. There are plenty of other things to talk about.

Before I decided to have one I just went “oh dear god no”, very genuinely, I didn’t particularly care what anyone else thought of that. I didn’t think it was a big deal to anyone else whether I had them or not, it’s just a question people ask to try to make conversation.

I don't have kids, but I would always ask someone else if they did (if they'd asked me first) and be genuinely interested in the answer. Because I'm not a total arse. Honestly, it's tedious to make being childfree your whole personality.

Other parents

I think it's a perfectly normal question when you are getting to know someone and to be expected really. Can't imagine taking offence over it, personally, but I suppose some people are sensitive about it.

I just say no, do you? No need to explain anything to anyone.

It's a question I ask people too. Along with, what do you do, and, where are you from - they are just normal, getting to know you questions.

I meant that asking somebody about their childrens and their ages might not be high on someone's agenda.

It's far from my whole personality but if that's what you want to take from one comment on an internet forum then go for it,

Also this.

It’s a standard getting to know you type question.

My reasons are slightly different, so for me it’s not about choice.
I just say no and look at the ground. I might ask the same question back.
If I get asked why, which has happened quite a few times, I’ll just say that “it’s complicated”.
Again, the why doesn’t tend to be arsey-ness but there obviously is some sort of strange curiosity about why.
For me it feels like they want to put you into one of two groups

1. the selfish “didn’t want children”. So that they can just decide you’re into your career and yourself or
2. the tragic “can’t have children” so that they can look at you with pity and wonder what you have made of your life.

you don’t need to elaborate if you don’t want to. I just remind myself that my life is my business.

And no, childfree isn’t my whole personality, so if the conversation continues trying to eek out more information about me, well…it says more about them than it does about me

If you're talking to a stranger it's very easy to cause offence or upset with personal questions. That's the reason we have (or had) small talk, it seems to have died out now.
Much safer to talk about films, books, TV programs, weather, or copy the late Queen and ask everyone "Have you come far?"

The problem is that some people make it your whole personality because their whole personality is having children.

Them: do you have children?

Me: no.

Them: why not?

Me: never wanted them.

Them: wow but you never know real love/aren't actually tired/[some other ridiculous us vs them comparison]

The vast majority of child free people don't make it about their whole personality, it's those with children who do because they refuse to accept that others made choices different to them.

Maybe it's helping people to understand why they get a certain reaction.

People like to think their way is the right way. And they don't really think much about that, until someone acts like it's totally the wrong way.

So a response of "I never made the choice to have children" (which I think is an excellent answer, and one I've never heard before, yet so simple and to the point) is explanatory, and pleasant.

The "urghh, god no, ew, children??" as stated by PP....well how can that not be taken as rude if you're saying it to a parent. It's literally saying to them "hey, you know what you've done....yuck disgusting" then being surprised that you get a prickly response, when you've basically made a derogatory comment about their life.

I find most people don't care if you want kids or not. But there's a difference between not caring, and getting your hackles up when someone's deliberately being derogatory.

I don't mind other people's dogs. I don't want one though. I have the ability to understand that (when talking to a dog owner) that it's unnecessary to say "yuck, dogs? gross" because that's deliberately inflammatory and that person instantly wants to go on the defensive about their choice to have a dog. When a simple "I just never chose to have a dog" gives the same result, without causing insult. Why would you choose to do the former when the latter is so easy.

I'll tell you what though? I'll happily ask a woman if she's got kids but if the answer is no? NEVER ASK WHY. You don't know what you're stepping on. The fact is most women do want children. So don't risk picking at someone's scabs.

I used to say 'No...never met the right person'. Then I thought why am I explaining myself to sometimes near strangers. So now to 'do you have children' I just say 'no', and change the subject or ask if they have any (though they've usually mentioned them by this point).

The most elegant reply I heard was a lady in her 70s. A boisterous same age grandmother asked her about whether she had kids and grandkids, and the lady gazed into the distance and said dreamily, 'Oh no...we decided we'd rather not. I fancied working in Botswana so did that instead'. Though just the first sentence, without Botswana, works equally well.

I don't think I have ever asked anyone why they don't have children, neither have I ever asked anyone why they have children. Neither situation is any of my business. I recently met someone who told me she doesn't have children, it didn't even enter my head to aske her why.

Are you ever actually bothered by the answer anyway? I know people ask it in small talk but it's a pretty dull question, most people will mention whether they do or they don't themselves if they want to in the course of more interesting conversations.

You're right OP, it's a good answer as being childfree is the human default, it should be considered more of an active decision to have a child rather than remaining as you already are.

If I'm feeling particularly cranky I might be tempted to simply reply 'because I met yours.'

I just reply "No, Im one of those unselfish people who doesnt believe in bringing more consumers into an overpopulated world." Which immediately put them on the back foot.

Haha!

DH is a fan of "I'm a vegetarian"

I think this far from puts someone on the back foot. Putting someone on the back foot would mean cleverly putting a point across, making it incredibly hard to respond too, or catching someone off guard. This? It's delivered in such a rude manner, that my only thought, is "what a rude person." There's an underlying tone of superiority complex: "I'm just telling you how I think I'm better than parents, because I'm so selfless." It's actually kind of irrelevant what the topic is, if you speak to people like this, you do so knowingly, and know full well the reaction you would get back.

Do you truly expect to announce "I'm not selfish like most people", and then think it's because people judge your life choices that they no longer want to converse? If I called someone selfish (because that was my opinion) I would know I was being deliberately rude. Do you not?

See, that would make me laugh, and think no more of it.

Not that I'd particularly think anything in the first place.

It's only when people justify their own decisions, by attacking someone else's choices, that you would even pay any attention. It's being goady, then playing the innocent when the response is less than warm.

I've genuinely never thought twice when someone says they don't want children. But I've never had anyone be openly rude about people that do have children. That just seems to be an online thing.