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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

Giving a Reason for Not Having Children

160 replies

NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 13:49

I find, as a 38-year-old woman, that I'm asked quite a bit if I have children. I suspect that this often happens in my professional environment because I'm about a decade 'behind' in my career after going to university as a mature student for nine years relatively recently so the assumption is I took a career break to look after children (because they don't know I went to uni for that long).

I used to either say 'I don't want children' or 'I can't have children' depending on how bothered I could be to have a conversation about it. Both invite very different responses, as I'm sure others here will have experienced.

But a while back, I started saying 'I never made the choice to have children."

This really throws people because to many people in our society having children isn't a choice, it's a default behaviour as part of the escalation of their relationship. A natural thing that women/couples do.

But by saying 'I never made the choice to have children' you are instead reframing NOT having children as the default choice (which it is) and having children as an active choice that someone has made (which it is...).

Anyway, just throwing it out there in case others want to experiment with this line. I find it generally gets quite a neutral response as people process what you've just said, and they quickly move the conversation elsewhere rather than examine their own choices in life. 😂

OP posts:
fitzwilliamdarcy · 07/09/2023 15:54

I generally rely on Mary Poppins wisdom ("I never explain anything") but I like this one.

SoRainbowRhythms · 07/09/2023 16:29

I have given up explaining. "Because I don't want them" is a full sentence now!

Original poster
NeonSoda · 07/09/2023 16:31

SoRainbowRhythms · 07/09/2023 16:29

I have given up explaining. "Because I don't want them" is a full sentence now!

I'm just not sure that 'I don't want them' is true for me. 'I've never considered having them' is a much truer statement.

OP posts:
Abeli · 07/09/2023 16:43

That was exactly my stance until I was 38. Having children should be a positive choice not a default.

Then I changed my mind and had two children.

musixa · 07/09/2023 20:13

I sometimes say 'no' with an intonation that suggests the idea is totally ridiculous - as if it were outlandish to have children - which is a good silencer.

Pinkbonbon · 07/09/2023 20:23

musixa · 07/09/2023 20:13

I sometimes say 'no' with an intonation that suggests the idea is totally ridiculous - as if it were outlandish to have children - which is a good silencer.

Yeah I usually go with 'good gosh no' and look at them in a 'wtf!?' kind of way lol. As if they've suggested tattooing my eyeballs or something akin to that nature.

I've always wondered why having kids is seen as a default in this day and age though. With easy access to all the horrors it does to the female body readily available on the Internet. Why would anyone do that shit?

So if someone's being intrusive I have no problem saying that and adding 'I mean...to each their own but...is...is everyone on crack or something?'.

Welcomer · 07/09/2023 20:49

Those kind of answers can make it look like you have a chip on your shoulder about it.

AlisonDonut · 07/09/2023 20:50

Nope, my answer is and always will be that the thought of having kids would be like living in the 7th circle of hell.

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/09/2023 20:53

My answer is always "oh God no!" accompanied with a look of horror. No-one has been foolish enough to bother me after that.

Bananalanacake · 07/09/2023 21:34

"I prefer to spend all my money on myself, go out all night and lie in all weekend,".

SoRainbowRhythms · 08/09/2023 04:56

Welcomer · 07/09/2023 20:49

Those kind of answers can make it look like you have a chip on your shoulder about it.

Why bother posting this in the childfree forum? Who is this helping?

Fargoer · 08/09/2023 05:05

I am not child free so I apologise if I am overstepping but I am awake too early and this appeared on active. I read a beautiful book of essays by my favourite living writer, Ann Patchett recently called ‘these precious days.’

One essay, ‘there are no children here’ focuses on the fact she has no children and the way people have approached this with her. I was appalled by some of the things she reported.

She shouldn’t need to write an essay like that - her reasons are her own. But then, she has always been very open about being child free- though maybe she has had to be because of all the questions she gets asked. I’m glad she wrote it though, if it at least helps to stop one idiotic question.

CopperLion · 08/09/2023 05:41

Thanks OP. I also have difficulty with this and like your phrasing. I am going to give it a try.

LovingMyLiver · 08/09/2023 05:55

I knew at the age of 5 I didn't want to have babies. I can't think of a single person who has ever given me a hard time over it other than one person who casually called me selfish, but she was a much loved relative of a different generation.

She's right. I am selfish. Selfish, intolerant and have absolutely no patience whatsoever. Squeamish, misophonia, need a lot of sleep etc. I'm glad I recognised that and chose not to put it onto a child. So what? There are worse things to be than selfish! There is a chance of course that I'd have been a wonderful mother anyway, but if it's not something you really crave why give in just because society expects it?

CurlewKate · 08/09/2023 06:24

I would have said a simple "no" would suffice.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 08/09/2023 06:38

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/09/2023 20:53

My answer is always "oh God no!" accompanied with a look of horror. No-one has been foolish enough to bother me after that.

This is mine too

Greenfinch7 · 08/09/2023 06:38

Do you find the question: 'Do you have kids?' intrusive or rude in itself? To me, that question doesn't seem rude (though of course there are plenty of rude questions that can follow). Why not answer with: 'No I don't; do you? and how old are they?- blah blah blah'

Isn't that question just an attempt to find something to chat about, like 'do you live nearby', 'how do you know the hosts?', etc.?

SoRainbowRhythms · 08/09/2023 06:42

Greenfinch7 · 08/09/2023 06:38

Do you find the question: 'Do you have kids?' intrusive or rude in itself? To me, that question doesn't seem rude (though of course there are plenty of rude questions that can follow). Why not answer with: 'No I don't; do you? and how old are they?- blah blah blah'

Isn't that question just an attempt to find something to chat about, like 'do you live nearby', 'how do you know the hosts?', etc.?

Again, this is the childfree forum. A lot of people have no interest in children so wouldn't ask that question

This is for childfree and childless people to discuss their experiences and share ideas.

Lottapianos · 08/09/2023 06:46

But a while back, I started saying 'I never made the choice to have children.'

I like this. Why should we not give an answer that feels authentic to us and our experience?

Greenfinch7 · 08/09/2023 06:47

Does that mean that people with kids are not allowed to ask you if they are coming across as rude by asking whether someone has kids? I didn't think that would be a rude question. I would NEVER ask 'Why don't you have kids?' (clearly rude).

hippopotamuz · 08/09/2023 06:52

Greenfinch7 · 08/09/2023 06:38

Do you find the question: 'Do you have kids?' intrusive or rude in itself? To me, that question doesn't seem rude (though of course there are plenty of rude questions that can follow). Why not answer with: 'No I don't; do you? and how old are they?- blah blah blah'

Isn't that question just an attempt to find something to chat about, like 'do you live nearby', 'how do you know the hosts?', etc.?

As someone who has been struggling with infertility for 4 years, I find it quite painful being asked this question in my everyday interactions.

I know it's a normal question but I think people ask it because they want to know more about someone's family and home life, and there are better ways to ask that which cause less pain.

If I was getting to know someone new, I would ask something like 'so, do you have family at home?' because that opens up to people talking about spouses, parents, siblings AND children, rather than placing all the emphasis on kids.

Asking people if they have kids is not rude, but personally it does cause me pain and I think people don't realise.

You never know someone's reasons for not having children and how painful they might be.

MariaVT65 · 08/09/2023 06:54

As a parent of a 2 year old and one on the way, i think your response should be:

’Oh fuck that, I enjoy sleep, freedom and money’

Greenfinch7 · 08/09/2023 06:56

I won't ask people if they have kids any more-

It's not something I often would ask new people anyway, but I won't ever bring it up again.

Greenfinch7 · 08/09/2023 06:58

I also try not to ask people what they do or where they are from- both sensitive topics. I guess any personal question is potentially rude, annoying, sensitive, hurtful.