Giving a Reason for Not Having Children

[NeonSoda]

I find, as a 38-year-old woman, that I'm asked quite a bit if I have children. I suspect that this often happens in my professional environment because I'm about a decade 'behind' in my career after going to university as a mature student for nine years relatively recently so the assumption is I took a career break to look after children (because they don't know I went to uni for that long).

I used to either say 'I don't want children' or 'I can't have children' depending on how bothered I could be to have a conversation about it. Both invite very different responses, as I'm sure others here will have experienced.

But a while back, I started saying 'I never made the choice to have children."

This really throws people because to many people in our society having children isn't a choice, it's a default behaviour as part of the escalation of their relationship. A natural thing that women/couples do.

But by saying 'I never made the choice to have children' you are instead reframing NOT having children as the default choice (which it is) and having children as an active choice that someone has made (which it is...).

Anyway, just throwing it out there in case others want to experiment with this line. I find it generally gets quite a neutral response as people process what you've just said, and they quickly move the conversation elsewhere rather than examine their own choices in life. 😂

@FarEast thank you for such a thoughtful answer. I think that both childfree women and women with kids have lots of complex and ambivalent feelings about reproduction. I feel a lot of guilt over my choice to have children ('bringing more consumers into an overpopulated world'), and I also feel regret over certain parts of the experience. To me, this is an interesting and rich topic for thought and discussion - what it means to women to have or not to have kids.
I recently reconnected with a group of 11 women from my high school. 6 of them are childfree, and only 2 are in a long-term marriage. It has been very wonderful to talk to them without any assumptions or judgement coming from anyone.

I am genuinely very surprised anyone would ask why you don't have kids.

I'm going out to bash my head against a brick wall. Four pages of childfree women saying how they get asked this question and what they do to deflect it and how they feel about it, then this 'oooh, do people REALLY ask that question?' wide eyed innocence.

If you're going to come on here as a parent and comment (let alone on what's a pretty touchy subject for some women without children) can you LEAST RTFT first, please?

Exactly @FufferPish I don't know why they just can't refrain from posting when it's supposed to be the childfree board yet now we have all these posts now starting with how many children they have. 🙄

Conversation starters are a minefield. I never ask about children. I'm not very interested in relations as I'm speaking to this person in front of me. I was once asked at a posh dinner party if I had any brothers or sisters. I felt like a five year old.

As I never ask I find that instead most people volunteer to tell me they don't have children which I do find strange. It's almost like they need to say it to get it out of the way somehow.

I did read it, that's how I have come to be surprised. Never did I say, 'I don't believe it', or that 'it doesn't matter', or anything else that might minimise the experience. I have said I am surprised and saddened that it's the case. I am not sure the sentiment of my message deserved this type of hostility to be honest but you are clearly upset so I am sorry I have contributed to that.

Sorry you are made to feel judged. Unfortunately women feel judged whatever they do. Someone recently yelled at me because I have kids and complained about a lack of childcare - look after your own kids! they said.

My mum didn't work she got snide comments, so when are you going back then?! Have you thought of this or that random job.

You've had kids too young/old/ too many kids/ just the one? It never ends.

Yes to the last paragraph of this.

I would never ask:
What do you do? (because I remember dreading this question when the answer would pigeonhole me or make me feel bad)
Where are you from? ( danger of being heard as,... no but, where are you really from?)
Do you have children? (for all the reasons on this thread)

Talk about the weather! Ask how your day's been. Let the conversation topics emerge naturally.

Someone upthread said that a response like, I never made the choice to have children, could start an interesting conversation. Do you really think that they've never had the chance to talk about being child-free before, that this is going to be new conversational ground for them? Not new, just painful.

Wow. I am amazed at the lack of resilience some posters express. Can't be asked if you have kids or what your job is or where you live... that must make life really hard.

I imagine life must not be easy for you either, as you are so easily baffled.

True! It is not.

We're going to need a new Childfree Scorecard soon, aren't we?

When I was younger and had more energy I used to say 'Ooh, no, I'm not allowed to have children', with a horrible leer.

Now I just say 'No ', with no further explanation. The problem with replying 'No, do you?' is that so many parents need no encouragement to whang on endlessly about their kids and I'm simply not interested.

Perfect! And so applicable to this thread 😆

No one disputes that it would be completely unacceptable for someone to ask "have you ever been raped/burgled/mugged?" or "what do you think about abortion/Brexit/...?". There is a societal consensus that some subjects are extremely inappropriate to ask about.

PPs have testified that for reasons of a) pain to the childless woman and b) stigma against the childfree woman, we should consider adding "do you have kids?" to the list of inappropriate questions.

You've never been unemployed then.

'The problem with replying 'No, do you?' is that so many parents need no encouragement to whang on endlessly about their kids and I'm simply not interested.'

Ha! Spot on 👍

I think it is rude to ask why someone doesn't have kids. If I'm asked why I don't have any, I ask the person why they did have theirs (it is never people without kids that ask) which might hopefully give them an idea of just how rude they're being.

I would prefer not to even be asked if I have them but don't see it as rude, just unimaginative.

Slightly off topic, but if I had a pound for every woman who asks if I have kids and then on finding that I don't, either walks off and talks to somebody else or looks panicked and tries to fumble around for something else to talk about, I'd have about 30 quid.

Also if I had a pound for every female friend who's told me they regret having their kids I'd have about 10 quid. I tend to shut those conversations down quickly nowadays as it's a sensitive issue for me and also because I am not their personal counselling service.

(The cream sofas answer is brilliant though and I may use it in future).

I have. And if someone asked me my job I'd say, I'm unemployed. Or, I'm looking for work at the moment.

I'm not going to go around feeling like a victim just because people ask me normal questions. It's no big deal, just answer and move on with your life.

Bully for you. Don't tell the rest of us how to react and feel, thanks, or that 'it's no big deal'

It's not me telling people what to do! It's the pp saying that you can't ask normal questions. Or suggesting it's reasonable to paint yourself as a victim because you chose not to have children and someone asks if you have children.

Do whatever you want but don't try to protect your fragility by controlling other people.

It's not me telling people what to do!

This wasn't you, then?

It's no big deal, just answer and move on with your life

Do whatever you want but don't try to protect your fragility by controlling other people

Don't bother responding, BTW. I'm not interested in your opinion.

One lady I know was asked this at work and she crumbled as her child had died.

I was quite young and remember her pain. She was a wreck.

I also remember being about 8 and asking a boy that lived near me about his baby sister and his mum interjected that she was born with a hole in her heart and had passed away. I was devastated even at that age for upsetting her.

So I never asked anyone. It doesn't occur to me to ask. It isn't about the lack of resilience.

'Do whatever you want but don't try to protect your fragility by controlling other people.'

Lovely. Given that some people have said that being asked whether they have children can be upsetting or uncomfortable, how about maybe just a smidge of sensitivity? There are plenty of other uncontroversial topics to choose for small talk