Giving a Reason for Not Having Children

[NeonSoda]

I find, as a 38-year-old woman, that I'm asked quite a bit if I have children. I suspect that this often happens in my professional environment because I'm about a decade 'behind' in my career after going to university as a mature student for nine years relatively recently so the assumption is I took a career break to look after children (because they don't know I went to uni for that long).

I used to either say 'I don't want children' or 'I can't have children' depending on how bothered I could be to have a conversation about it. Both invite very different responses, as I'm sure others here will have experienced.

But a while back, I started saying 'I never made the choice to have children."

This really throws people because to many people in our society having children isn't a choice, it's a default behaviour as part of the escalation of their relationship. A natural thing that women/couples do.

But by saying 'I never made the choice to have children' you are instead reframing NOT having children as the default choice (which it is) and having children as an active choice that someone has made (which it is...).

Anyway, just throwing it out there in case others want to experiment with this line. I find it generally gets quite a neutral response as people process what you've just said, and they quickly move the conversation elsewhere rather than examine their own choices in life. 😂

@MariaVT65 no I'd choose not to be friends with you specifically because you're highly judgemental of people like me. You are making an arse of yourself here.

And stop asking personal questions when you've been told it's offensive. Not sure why you think your right to ask about my sex life / fertility / ability to carry a pregnancy to term trumps your need to demonstrate you're a mother to strangers.

Find other ways to engage with people - it's sad if you've only got being a mum as a common denominator.

I just state the truth, which is that I prefer cats to kids!

It's rather strange how some of us can see a thread and think 'oooh, that looks interesting' then realise it's on breastfeeding or teenagers or conception and think 'nah, I have nothing to contribute.'

And how some of us can't.

Also getting a bit fed up of the people directing the traffic on here and telling us what our responses should be.

so we should also have the right to give you our perspective

Over and over again, it seems.

Yet again what was an interesting and helpful thread on the childfree board gets completely derailed by a parent lecturing the childfree.😡

My current favourite is “only dead ones” (recurrent losses). I have made children (albeit briefly) but they didn’t last.

Also yes to the stab of pain when asked that question, like it is a default or expectation because of my sex, my age, my figure and my maternal disposition. I just assume they are boring people with no interests if that’s where they go first on meeting someone.

I know, it's really disheartening.

I wouldn't consider going onto a forum that I have nothing to do with saying "I have no skin in this game, but here's my opinion anyway".

I suppose the best thing you can say is at least that poster wants to engage with women who don't have children; unlike the one who decided we're not worthy of further notice.

Yet again what was an interesting and helpful thread on the childfree board gets completely derailed by a parent lecturing the childfree.😡

And getting arsey about the 'right' to do so. It's as if some parents don't actually see us as fully functioning adults but rather overgrown children who have to be guided and instructed.

How can I be judgemental of you? I don’t know anything about you?

It seems it’s you who is highly judgemental of me just from reading a few posts. For example, make an entire judgement about how I make friends, making an assuption I only try and make friends with other mums. Not true.

I don’t agree that asking if someone who has children is the same as asking them about their sex life. That’s like saying Op’s example of asking about sports is asking that person about their health status, as they may not be able to play sports for health reasons.

I’ll bow out now as you’re all offended and being quite nasty to me.

I'm so sorry about your losses, @Wednesdaysotherchild . I can't find the bouquet of flowers so here's a nice cheerful sunflower instead. 🌻

I saw a great phrase on the FWR board over the weekend. 'Device is only set to transmit, it cannot receive.'

When on the childfree forum, I usually stop reading a post as soon as it is mentioned the person has children, to avoid having to read their irrelevant thoughts to this topic (extra pointsif they also refer to themselves as "childfree" before they had children, another pet peeve).

I don't get the question that often, but I think that is
because I'm an academic and proper may just assume that I've had to make life sacrifices for the job. However, I just went out on a trip with people a bit bolder then me and they were all asking each other whether they had grandchildren, so that is something to look forward to!

(extra pointsif they also refer to themselves as "childfree" before they had children, another pet peeve).

Ditto!!

Erm. I'm childfree but honestly I agree with pp saying, it's just a normal question. Most people have kids or want kids, society is built around families. It's absolutely normal for people to ask about it.

If you can't cope with a normal, everyday question, then you have bigger problems, I'm afraid. You can't expect all of society to work around your fear of being asked a perfectly reasonable question.

Just say 'no,' and change the subject. It's not hard and most people won't even register anything about it. If someone asks 'why?' then that's rude and you can respond however you see fit.

Being childfree has its challenges for sure. But you can't be so fragile as to get upset over the mere question of whether you have kids - if you're that fragile, you need to get some help.

@Greenfinch7 thanks for asking.

It may seem a simple neutral question “Do you have children?” but given all the pressures on and judgement of women over their reproductive choices (or chances, in my case) it’s very very loaded.

Because it’s so often followed up with the “Why?” question or some other comment which “others” women without DC.

I will no longer ask women if they have kids. This thread has opened my eyes to the extreme sensitivity people feel about this. I have always hesitated to ask because I worry they might have wanted kids but not ever had them for one reason or another. I didn't realise the extent to which women feel stigmatised for not reproducing- I don't know anyone who thinks that way, so was not aware so many people still think this way.

@beastlyslumber I can cope with getting the question, but not with being judged as having a lesser status that somebody who has children.

The thing is, it is a normal and neutral question ONLY is the person asked actually has children. It is like me asking someone where they went to university and they didn't go. There's nothing wrong with not going to university, but society places a premium on it in terms of status, same with children.

As I've gotten older I've learned to not just ask the standard questions but listen out for information provided by the person and ask questions about that. So if they mention they have a dog, or like to sail, those are safe topics and can be addressed in small talk. Or just ask people what they like to do or something. There are just too many topics that are awkward and just ignoring that this is the case and presuming people are feeble for not liking similar invasive questions because 'normal' may not be the kindest approach.

And now we've got the 'if you object to an innocent question you've got problems, you need help' comments. Must be the childfree's week for the kicking after the last few weeks of what looked like mandatory ageism on every thread.

@Greenfinch7 that’s very kind of you.

Speaking only for myself I wish I weren’t so wary of such an ordinary question. And I wish I could feel entirely happy with my [non] choice. So part of my discomfort is my own unresolved problem. That’s on me, not the person asking an apparently “normal” question.

But the tendency for women without children to be judged as lesser is a pretty common experience and adds to my wariness and unease.

I can report to other child free women that it does get easier as you get older, however. I don’t think I’ve been asked the children/grandchildren question for at least 2 years now!

But a while back, I started saying 'I never made the choice to have children."

That's a great answer.

Apart from being rude (basically calling the person selfish) you'd sound very angry and people are likely to think you're jealous and resentful of those who've got children.

I'm 40 and had my first and only son a year ago. I basically spent my entire 30s answering this question and the truth was I wasn't with the right person then I needed time to heal after a toxic long term relationship before it was the right time with now DH.
It's such a sensitive subject and like you say if you're not careful with wording then it can open a can of worms/further conversation. It's a an interesting suggestion as people need to realise how inappropriate questioning someone over children or lack of can be

I have two children now but pre children my response to this tended to be, "That's a very personal question." And then leave an awkward silence.

I am not childfree but did have children reasonably late and for much of my life didn't think I wanted them. Do you need to explain why you don't have children? Would you not feel comfortable just saying 'no, do you?'.

Oh look, more people with children. Yet none of them said, thanks for sharing your perspective, I will consider the issues brought up on this thread when making small talk next time. More bonus points for not reading the thread and just saying with wide eyed innocence: "but why do do care?". Nice one!

I am genuinely very surprised anyone would ask why you don't have kids. I would have hoped these days people are sensitive enough and aware enough no realise that is incredibly personal. I am sorry to hear that's not the case.