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MNers without children

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful

Original poster

How do you define 'childfree'?

203 replies

Lottapianos · 10/08/2023 13:23

To me, being 'childfree' means that you don't have children, won't ever be having children, and (on balance) you are happy about that. I see parents on here saying things like 'i was childfree until I was 35' or 'i have a childfree weekend coming up'. Not having children yet is not the same as knowing that you won't ever be a parent. Other people taking care of your children for a while is not the same as being childfree. Some of us on here made a positive early choice to lead a childfree life, some of us got there later and through a more complex route, but we all share a common identity as people who are not parents

Do others on here agree?

OP posts:
painochocolate · 10/08/2023 16:50

Anyone without a child who prefers to call themselves childfree rather than childless. It's all about attitude

ToddlerIs2 · 10/08/2023 16:53

Can we not just context?

I'm childfree this weekend, where can I go?

I don't feel judged being childfree, society is getting more progressive.

Clearly different people in different situations

What do you do for fun when you're childfree?

Might be ambiguous but given the type of qn, not contentious for anyone to answer.

If it's rights to post on anything on this board, then MN needs to clarify and police.

FufferPish · 10/08/2023 16:54

Florissante · 10/08/2023 16:45

I mean, people could just post and NOT MENTION that you have children?

Some people are incapable of doing that. It's a shame, but there you are.

Indeed, I can see why people mention they have children in daily life, as most people of a certain age (80%?) are parents, so mentioning of children is an easy way to build immediate rapport. And shockingly, on the Childfree board it is not the way to build rapport (quite the opposite in fact).

It's really not that difficult...

FufferPish · 10/08/2023 16:58

ToddlerIs2 · 10/08/2023 16:53

Can we not just context?

I'm childfree this weekend, where can I go?

I don't feel judged being childfree, society is getting more progressive.

Clearly different people in different situations

What do you do for fun when you're childfree?

Might be ambiguous but given the type of qn, not contentious for anyone to answer.

If it's rights to post on anything on this board, then MN needs to clarify and police.

Sure you can, loads of places on Mumsnet where this use of the phrase is ok. How about "Chat"?

Literally ANYWHERE on mumsnet but this tiny mini-board, with fewer than 50 threads and an estimated 100 posters (but growing), that was especially created for people without children.

The board's name provides the context.

jabberwokky · 10/08/2023 17:03

If someone 30+ told me they were childfree, I'd assume they'd decided not to have children, or were unable to for whatever reason. I wouldn't necessarily think they never would in the future because stuff happens. But generally, yes, if they used that term to describe themselves, I'd probably assume they weren't planning to have children in the near future.

If someone in their 20's said it to me, I might think they were just enjoying their 20's and hadn't decided yet, or that they had decided they never wanted children... it wouldn't be clear from just using that word.

If someone said they were childfree for the weekend I would assume they meant their kids were staying with relatives or something, and that use of the term wouldn't bother me.

I don't think 'childfree' is a term that has a particularly solid definition, to be honest. It has multiple definitions and that's OK. Language is for the people who use it.

PriamFarrl · 10/08/2023 17:09

I refer to myself as childfree. If some nosey fucker pushes for detail then I go into detail about infertility, IVF and miscarriage. But DH and I have both come to terms with the situation and as such are happy now. I don’t like the term childless as it’s judgmental and negative in my opinion.

People who do have children but use the term child-free will always have a qualifier. A child-free weekend/holiday/afternoon/wedding for example.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/08/2023 17:17

FufferPish · 10/08/2023 16:58

Sure you can, loads of places on Mumsnet where this use of the phrase is ok. How about "Chat"?

Literally ANYWHERE on mumsnet but this tiny mini-board, with fewer than 50 threads and an estimated 100 posters (but growing), that was especially created for people without children.

The board's name provides the context.

Show quote history

Then you need to ask MN to somehow lock it so no one who's procreated can access it or post on it, keep it off trending threads because people will access it because they're interested in the title / discussion and not notice the board, and report every comment on any thread made by anyone who's procreated and ask them to delete it as against the talk guidelines.

FufferPish · 10/08/2023 17:26

SleepingStandingUp · 10/08/2023 17:17

Then you need to ask MN to somehow lock it so no one who's procreated can access it or post on it, keep it off trending threads because people will access it because they're interested in the title / discussion and not notice the board, and report every comment on any thread made by anyone who's procreated and ask them to delete it as against the talk guidelines.

Show quote history

We have discussed with MNHQ about keeping the board of off 'Active', but as it is a relatively new board, we agreed that the lack of visibility might mean childfree people might not be able to find the board. We have no power to keep new threads of 'trending', per my previous point.

Instead, I propose that posters pay attention to the board's name before replying and use some common sense. It has also been clarified before that it is OK for people to post here, regardless of parental status, as long as posting is respectful, the post is in the spirit of the board, and in good faith. Like the rest of Mumsnet, really.

Florissante · 10/08/2023 17:27

An easier solution (though not one that works in practice, obviously) is for posters to use common sense.

Florissante · 10/08/2023 17:27

FufferPish · 10/08/2023 17:26

We have discussed with MNHQ about keeping the board of off 'Active', but as it is a relatively new board, we agreed that the lack of visibility might mean childfree people might not be able to find the board. We have no power to keep new threads of 'trending', per my previous point.

Instead, I propose that posters pay attention to the board's name before replying and use some common sense. It has also been clarified before that it is OK for people to post here, regardless of parental status, as long as posting is respectful, the post is in the spirit of the board, and in good faith. Like the rest of Mumsnet, really.

Show quote history

Nicely put. Thank you.

OrangeCrayon · 10/08/2023 17:29

Childfree I would take to mean someone with children having time away from their children. Free of their children. If you never had any, there is no child to be "free" of.

Childless means you don't have children: "-less" means "without" or "does not possess" etc.

OrangeCrayon · 10/08/2023 17:31

But really, I can't see anybody getting confused by either term used in a specific context, the meaning would be clear even if it wasn't strictly right. I can't see why anybody would get that bothered about such semantics really.

Florissante · 10/08/2023 17:32

Given that this is the Childfree board it is disingenuous to argue that the term means anyone whose children are out for the evening / weekend.

FuppingEll · 10/08/2023 17:36

I don't think you can gatekeep a word. I know 2 people who were very outspoken about being childfree, literally in the national media about their 'radical' choice to be childfree. Then they both met someone in their late 30s and had a kid/kids. They both genuinely believed what they were saying at the time and were very passionate about it(hence appearing in national media). Were they never actually 'childfree'? How do you know then that anyone within reproduction age is actually childfree? Surely, it's just a mindset and you can be childfree until you are not like the 2 women I know or you can be childfree forever.

WeWereInParis · 10/08/2023 17:40

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 10/08/2023 16:20

But surely child free relates to what is described as childfree, so the weekend, the meal, the person so no a parent can not be child free even if the children are elsewhere but the weekend can be.

Parents shouldn't use the term for themselves. Even before the children were born a parents life isn't child free so it shouldn't be used to describe the period before they were born

I think this is the best way to put it

mangochops · 10/08/2023 17:41

fullbloom87 · 10/08/2023 14:28

You can choose to be childfree then change your mind or accidentally have them at 35.
What does it's matter and why do you care?
Is it because you're trying to assert who you are as a childfree person and you don't want people nicking the term from you?

This. I dont see the point of getting angry about the use of the term. People are allowed to use it in ways they see fit. This seems like a bit of an overreaction to something fairly innocuous

Lorelaigilless · 10/08/2023 17:43

I agree with you OP. Child free means never having had or going to have children

FufferPish · 10/08/2023 17:44

OrangeCrayon · 10/08/2023 17:31

But really, I can't see anybody getting confused by either term used in a specific context, the meaning would be clear even if it wasn't strictly right. I can't see why anybody would get that bothered about such semantics really.

Can you honestly not think of a situation where some people might be offended by the use of a word in a certain context?

I mean 'cis' is perfectly innocent in the context of chemistry, but people have all sorts of opinions when used in a non-chemistry context.

Comedycook · 10/08/2023 17:45

I have DC but I use the term childfree when describing someone without children because I thought saying childless was offensive to some.

OrangeCrayon · 10/08/2023 17:48

@FufferPish well yes, with difficult subjects. But as a PP said this seems pretty innocuous and isn't designed to insult anybody and it would be easy to discern what a person using the word meant from the context, so why does it matter?

FufferPish · 10/08/2023 17:57

OrangeCrayon · 10/08/2023 17:48

@FufferPish well yes, with difficult subjects. But as a PP said this seems pretty innocuous and isn't designed to insult anybody and it would be easy to discern what a person using the word meant from the context, so why does it matter?

It matters because, we - childfree people - say so. We ask you not to define yourself as childfree on this board if you have children.

Because some of us take offence, as we do not see you as childfree, and by stating you are childfree, but are a parent, we see you as trying to claiming as the one little space we have to ourselves on Mumsnet. We campaigned for this space, so feel like we have the right to use the term Childfree as we see fit.

On. This. Board. Only.

A rather hyperbolic analogy to illustrate my point: it is like saying you are the sex you are not, and trying to enter sex-based competitions for the sex you are not as it will be easier for you to win. Women had to campaign to have their own (cycling, football, boxing, etc.) competitions, and are not well-pleased if people rephrase the word 'woman' to also include men, in order for men to enter these competitions as well. It is an analogy. Over the top probably.

WeWereInParis · 10/08/2023 17:58

FuppingEll · 10/08/2023 17:36

I don't think you can gatekeep a word. I know 2 people who were very outspoken about being childfree, literally in the national media about their 'radical' choice to be childfree. Then they both met someone in their late 30s and had a kid/kids. They both genuinely believed what they were saying at the time and were very passionate about it(hence appearing in national media). Were they never actually 'childfree'? How do you know then that anyone within reproduction age is actually childfree? Surely, it's just a mindset and you can be childfree until you are not like the 2 women I know or you can be childfree forever.

I agree with this as well actually. My sister is very very clear on not wanting children, but she has many years in which she could feasibly change her mind. I don't think that's likely, but if she did she could reasonably describe herself as having been childfree (by OP's definition) before she had children (or I suppose, as childfree before she changed her mind). If she did change her mind, it wouldn't make her current feelings (that she absolutely definitely does not want children) any less valid.

I'd say someone is childfree if they don't have children, have no plans to have children, don't ever want children, and have no reason to think they will ever have children. So it doesn't include someone who hasn't really thought about it, or who isn't sure, or who just hasn't had them yet but would like to. But it also isn't necessarily a permanent state.

To be clear, I'm not remotely saying that childfree women are all going to change their mind. Just that it is clearly possible for some.

WiredND · 10/08/2023 17:59

KimberleyClark · 10/08/2023 15:59

As in " I used to play lots of tennis when I was child free". I think people know what I mean. That's in Real Life.

I think most people in Real Life would just say "before I had children".

I think most people in Real Life would just say "before I had children".

I agree!

I have never heard 'I was childfree until I was 35' or equivalent🙄 I call bullshit for the sake of trying to prove a point on this thread.

Childfree to me means, no children, never wanted children, happy with my decision not to have them.

musixa · 10/08/2023 18:00

Context is everything. If no context was given I would take it to mean someone who was without children by choice.

Florissante · 10/08/2023 18:00

FufferPish · 10/08/2023 17:57

It matters because, we - childfree people - say so. We ask you not to define yourself as childfree on this board if you have children.

Because some of us take offence, as we do not see you as childfree, and by stating you are childfree, but are a parent, we see you as trying to claiming as the one little space we have to ourselves on Mumsnet. We campaigned for this space, so feel like we have the right to use the term Childfree as we see fit.

On. This. Board. Only.

A rather hyperbolic analogy to illustrate my point: it is like saying you are the sex you are not, and trying to enter sex-based competitions for the sex you are not as it will be easier for you to win. Women had to campaign to have their own (cycling, football, boxing, etc.) competitions, and are not well-pleased if people rephrase the word 'woman' to also include men, in order for men to enter these competitions as well. It is an analogy. Over the top probably.

Show quote history

Thank you for expressing my feelings about the subject so clearly.