Childfree by choice but grieving the family I will never have

[Fjorduk]

Hi! As the title says, I'm childfree by choice, I'm in my 40's, been with my partner for nearly 20 years, have a professional job and a pretty good life. We never wanted children and I know I wouldn't cope well raising a human but I find myself grieving the relationship I could have with adult children. I definitely don't want anyone to take care of me when I'm old, it's more the companionship and having your people, if you know what I mean?

I guess I'm feeling this because my parents are getting old now and I do spend a lot of time with them (holidays, etc), I'm wondering if life will feel empty when they're gone... at the same time I know for sure I don't want kids and I definitely don't want to put another human in this world. Is this normal?

I'm in my early 40s, single and through illness had to have a hysterectomy last year. I had no quality of life with my illness so it was the only choice I had..... I have wonderful nieces and nephews but every now and then I do have a little cry for myself thinking about what might have been.
Even when it's your decision not to have children, it can pinch every now and then and I worry about the future and potential loneliness in years to come.
You're not alone

I think the marathon is a very good analogy.

People always talk about parenting struggles. It ranges from 'rich and do it like paying for nursery' to 'my life is ruined and I'm destitute and mentally suffering'.

Much like a marathon, it's a massive gamble. You might make it to the end with your finances in order and a happy loving family. Or you might not, and an infinite number of curveballs are thrown at you. You might never cross the finish line (in this case, being closeness with adult kids).

I don't think it's intended to put op down, quite the opposite. So much can go wrong, it is a huge gamble and sacrifice. People enter the race because they're willing to risk not finishing.

If you don't want to have kids, ok, you won't get the trophy. But you've been doing other things an you've avoided the pain of losing.

This was extremely convoluted but - not everyone wants to be in the race because the race is hard work. And that's ok too

It's so tough. I honestly deeply regret not having children and I can't see a happy future for myself ahead. Just loneliness and extreme sadness.

I imagine pressing my nose against the windows of happy families celebrating Christmas together surrounded by love and warmth whilst I go home to nobody. Just a cold, lonely, joyless life. How could I have been so stupid as to not see this coming.

To be honest, I think you are taking it to the extreme - have a look on MN on Christmas day and you will see the countless threads where people are giving out about spending time with their families. I for one have experienced my fair share of stressful Christmas days where I wished I was somewhere else.

Do you not have other things to focus on? Friends, hobbies, interests? There are many older people who had kids like they were supposed to and are still lonely.

@Strawberriesandpears with all due respect, why do you think children are the only thing that will stop you becoming depressed in later years (provided you live to old age), there are lots of other avenues of support that aren't children.

I have had to visit a relative in hospital today. On the ward were all old ladies who were being visited by their daughters and grandchildren. Another painful reminder that one day I will lie alone in a hospital bed, probably with every other patient being surrounded by loving family. I hate my life and what is coming to me.

Why don’t you have children then? X

I am too old, I think. I am 37, and also I am an only child (as is my partner) so our child would be very lonely (no aunties, uncles or cousins). It would just be transferring one generations loneliness to the next.

I feel like having a child in these circumstances would be a very selfish choice.

You wouldn’t want to have two children?

And 37 is a pretty average to have kids now..

I think I am just worried I would only be able to have 1 (due to age) which would then leave them as an only child.

I also worry a lot about possible additional needs having child(ren) this late.

@Strawberriesandpears I mean this with respect but why should your life be doomed to loneliness and doom just because you don't have children? There seems to be something deeper at play than just being childfree. Your other posts on this thread have been a little worrying to read, have you ever spoken to anyone about how you are feeling?

Totally relatable.
Definitely didn't want children, been very careful not to let that happen!.. but I feel sad that I'm not having any- even though I don't want any! Fear of missing out maybe?
Have a fantastic relationship with my dad. When he's gone, I do worry it will be 'just us,' (as in me and my partner.)
No guarantees though, even if you have kids, doesn't mean you'll have a good relationship with them!

Thank you. I am currently having therapy, but it is not specifically to do with not having children, more to do with feeling alone and anxiety surrounding that.

I didn't used to feel this way. But then I came across the blog of a lady in her 70s who is an only child, has no children and her husband has died and she talks about how terrible her life is. So now I see that as my future. Nothing but sadness, regret and loneliness.

I think another aspect of it is blame. I blame myself as I could have 'solved' my problem if I had created people of my own my having children. I just didn't think enough about my future when I was younger. I lived too passively.

I didn't persue relationships when I was younger as I had little confidence. As a child, teenager and young adult I was always very quiet, not very attractive - the kind of person that bullies can have a laugh at and target. Now I see those people with children, and I know they will grow old surrounded by loving family, whilst I will be alone, scared, sad and vulnerable. It upsets me because I think I am actually a nice person. I try to be kind and thoughtful and I have always worked hard. But now it's like none of that matters. I have lost in life and am doomed to a sad and lonely future whilst others are surrounded by love. That's just how I feel, and really as much as I try to work through my issues and be positive, it's all true.

You are 37 you can easily have 2 children if you want them !

@Strawberriesandpears my sis had one child at 38, one at 39 and one at 41.

I'm so sorry to hear about the bullying @Strawberriesandpears . I relate sadly as I too was bullied as a child and I know the deep impact it can leave. You sound like a wonderfully kind and caring person and there are other people out there with your qualities who would love to have you as a friend, it's just a matter of finding them.

Just because life was hard in the past, doesn't mean that your future will be lonely and that is something I tell myself also. Just because someone has a family, it doesn't always mean they are a loving one.

As for the blog you read, is there any way you could avoid or limit your exposure to reading things like that? Sometimes reading negative things like that all the time can just feed into a negative spiral and won't help your mood.

Please be gentle with yourself, you deserve good things and people in your life

Thank you everyone for the responses, especially @Parryhotterfan for your lovely, kind post. I have been making some progress in getting myself 'out and about' more and I have made a nice new friend so I am feeling a bit less lonely. It's just the worry that I will be alone at the end that I can't seem to shake. I know there isn't much I can do about that though, and I just have to try and live my life as best I can.

I’m glad you made this thread OP as I’ve thought similar even though I’ve also been fairly certain I don’t want children.

I think what you might be missing is the not knowing what it would be like. No one knows how long each of us have to enjoy life.. and having adult children can make it so stressful- it's like the challenges of life all over again. Something to think about..

That is very true.