Page 2 | Childfree by choice but grieving the family I will never have

ivfregret · 08/07/2023 23:43

Childfree not by choice but have very similar feelings to you. It's horrible.

JudgeAnderson · 09/07/2023 07:22

@HamBone I only saw/see mine once a year due to where we live but we'd all go on holiday together. In fact we're now spread across three continents.
I have no idea how interested or otherwise I seemed to them but they still seem to like me. Tbf they have absolutely no interest in my other childfree brother but that is mutual.

That being said I dont have any specific expectations of them as adults. They certainly don't form part of my care plan for when I'm elderly.

thedevilinablackdress · 09/07/2023 07:57

I'd never thought of this OP. Perhaps because my own relationship with my parents, while not terrible, is not brilliant either.
You can see the cost would be too high for the potential benefit. i.e. even if you did have a good relationship with adult kids, they might live 100s of miles away or simply not have lives that allowed the same relationship.
Enjoy what you have with your parents now (if you had kids, you might not have the time you do for your own parents!). And think about what friendships etc. can fill other needs.

Turnleftturnright · 09/07/2023 08:20

I think what you are feeling is natural is so many decisions we take in life. With every decision we take we give up what the other decision would've given us.

As they say you can never have it all. You may mourn the loss of a possible close adult family whereas someone with children may mourn the loss of freedom, independence, ability to have put themselves first in decisions throughout their life and less stress.

I guess it is for everyone to decide for their own personal circumstances which is worse for them. Just because a decision is right for someone doesn't mean they can't yearn for the parts of the other decision they might have taken. Go easy on yourself, it is good that you are recognising these feelings.

TheaBrandt · 09/07/2023 08:30

I sympathise but this op does kind of read like someone who doesn’t want to actually do the marathon but still wants the medal and the glory!

That’s not how life is - nothing great is easy. Parenting is very very hard and a risk so much can go wrong. There are heartbreaking threads on here documenting how having a child has literally ruined the poor ops life. It’s a gamble.

Lottapianos · 09/07/2023 09:30

'Just because a decision is right for someone doesn't mean they can't yearn for the parts of the other decision they might have taken. Go easy on yourself, it is good that you are recognising these feelings.'

Lovely comment, and it's so true that nobody gets to have it all

'I sympathise but this op does kind of read like someone who doesn’t want to actually do the marathon but still wants the medal and the glory!'

This is really unfair. OP has chosen not to have children because she knew the 'marathon' was not something she could face. She's reflecting on the sadness she feels at missing out on some of the experience of parenting. That's a very tough thing to face

Not all of us fit neatly into the 'childfree by choice' and 'childless not by choice' boxes. I certainly feel I have a foot in both. I know that some people on here never gave a moment's thought to having children, and that's great, but for some of us it's way more complex

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/07/2023 10:17

Not all of us fit neatly into the 'childfree by choice' and 'childless not by choice' boxes. I certainly feel I have a foot in both. I know that some people on here never gave a moment's thought to having children, and that's great, but for some of us it's way more complex

I am and have been for years happily childfree by choice. That doesn't stop me wondering sometimes what sort of parent I might have made and what my children might have been like (not for long, admittedly, but the wonder is there). In the same way I wonder what my marriage might have been like had we stuck at it and what my life might have been like had my father not died when I was a teenager and we moved 200 miles from what was our home to a big city so my mother could find work. It's a very human trait to wonder about the path not taken.

Fofftwenty21 · 09/07/2023 12:16

Thank you for posting this.

I like to think of myself as childfree but I also have these feelings and thoughts about the future especially now my Mum is in the late stages of dementia.

I do have a wider family but as I am the only member without kids this has its own challenges and I struggle with feeling isolated although I have great relationships with my nephews and nieces they are still part of their own little family that I am not.

For anyone else feeling like this please take care its not easy especially with stupid comments like the marathon one!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/07/2023 12:51

For anyone else feeling like this please take care its not easy especially with stupid comments like the marathon one!

I've re-read that one and still can't see what point that poster was hoping to make; unless it's 'you're childfree and you made that decision, you're not allowed to reflect on what might have been different.'

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 12:57

Fjorduk · 07/07/2023 18:03

Hi! As the title says, I'm childfree by choice, I'm in my 40's, been with my partner for nearly 20 years, have a professional job and a pretty good life. We never wanted children and I know I wouldn't cope well raising a human but I find myself grieving the relationship I could have with adult children. I definitely don't want anyone to take care of me when I'm old, it's more the companionship and having your people, if you know what I mean?

I guess I'm feeling this because my parents are getting old now and I do spend a lot of time with them (holidays, etc), I'm wondering if life will feel empty when they're gone... at the same time I know for sure I don't want kids and I definitely don't want to put another human in this world. Is this normal?

You need to focus on a strong network of excellent friendships

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/07/2023 12:58

Also there is no guarantee that kids would want to hang out with you in old age look how many move to Australia or don't visit parents in homes

JudgeAnderson · 09/07/2023 12:59

That's it. My poor MIL is forever in tears as she feels she doesn't see her children often enough (all moved away so logistics not nastiness). That must feel way worse than simply not having them.

HamBone · 09/07/2023 16:44

JudgeAnderson · 09/07/2023 07:22

@HamBone I only saw/see mine once a year due to where we live but we'd all go on holiday together. In fact we're now spread across three continents.
I have no idea how interested or otherwise I seemed to them but they still seem to like me. Tbf they have absolutely no interest in my other childfree brother but that is mutual.

That being said I dont have any specific expectations of them as adults. They certainly don't form part of my care plan for when I'm elderly.

@JudgeAnderson The auntie my DC love now lives a six-hour plane ride away so we don’t see much of her either!

I guess what I’m saying is that if any of us want to maintain family relationships, we have to make an effort, regardless of age. If a relative practically ignored me for nearly 20 years and then decided that I was worth getting to know, I might not be inclined to bother, IYSWIM.

Anyway, what this thread is showing is that cultivating friends of various ages is worth the effort.

Whatwaste · 09/07/2023 19:10

TheaBrandt · 09/07/2023 08:30

I sympathise but this op does kind of read like someone who doesn’t want to actually do the marathon but still wants the medal and the glory!

That’s not how life is - nothing great is easy. Parenting is very very hard and a risk so much can go wrong. There are heartbreaking threads on here documenting how having a child has literally ruined the poor ops life. It’s a gamble.

I don't understand your point at all.

So do parents only want to have kids to have a desired outcome?

If parenting is the race, what's the medal?

I thought parents wanted to be...parents?

HamBone · 09/07/2023 19:38

Whatwaste · 09/07/2023 19:10

I don't understand your point at all.

So do parents only want to have kids to have a desired outcome?

If parenting is the race, what's the medal?

I thought parents wanted to be...parents?

Show quote history

@Whatwaste I think @TheaBrandt is saying that the OP seems to want a close relationship with young adults similar to her own close relationship with her parents, without actually being a parent.
I.e., She wants an adult child/parent relationship with someone else’s kids.

Is that realistic? Friendships definitely are though, if you put the effort in.

JudgeAnderson · 09/07/2023 19:46

@HamBone I think it's more a path-not-taken kind of musing, and expanding on that by wishing she could have that adult child relationship with her own children without having to go through the actual child-rearing part. It's a thought experiment/way to explore her feelings. I don't think she wants to randomly glom onto someone else's adult children.

JudgeAnderson · 09/07/2023 19:47

I mean I have no desire for children either young or adult and even I can understand what the OP is getting at.

Original poster

Fjorduk · 09/07/2023 19:47

Thank you so much for all your answers, it is comforting to know I'm not the only one who's feeling this way!

I would like to add I've never been on the fence regarding children, I always knew it is not for me and I don't regret it for one minute. Life is made of choices, I made mine, just coming to terms with what I will be missing because of that decision.

OP posts:

Skiesfries · 09/07/2023 21:34

Hey yes I get this too. Know I couldn't cope with raising kids but feel sad sometimes that I won't have that family experience or an adult that I'm bonded with. I remember once seeing a pic of my friend swinging her young kid in the air, and she looked so damn happy, I felt a flash of envy and sadness that I won't have that.

It's hard seeing elderly parents decline, one of mine hasn't got much time left. I have a sibling with their own family and my friends of course but everyone has their own lives. I do have a couple of friends who don't have kids as well, at least one is not by choice not sure about the other. But it's good knowing I'm not alone in that respect.

Life takes us on many paths, I just want to have good experiences, fun, knowledge, travel and solitude.

ivfregret · 09/07/2023 21:43

@Lottapianos the first person and post in years I have read sum up my exact experience, thank you

HamBone · 09/07/2023 22:07

Yes, we all make our choices and we all miss out on something whichever paths we take.

I only have my elderly Dad now from my original family and he needs a lot of support. It’s hard when parents get older. 💐

Lottapianos · 09/07/2023 22:29

'@Lottapianosthe first person and post in years I have read sum up my exact experience, thank you'

Have a huge hug ❤️ it's not easy but for me it's definitely getting less painful over time

CookieCutter8 · 15/07/2023 20:20

I also feel exactly the same as you. I do a lot with my Mum, but it makes me sad to know I'll never have that when I'm older. I'm also an only child and one day fear being totally alone in the world if DH goes first. Not a reason to have children and was my choice not to, but a fear for the future all the same.

Strawberriesandpears · 15/07/2023 20:50

@CookieCutter8 I am in exactly the same position. It's tough. I know this might be controversial, but I think having an only child is a bit cruel. (Not that I'd say this to my parents - I do not know why they left me as an only child, there may have been a good reason). The older I get, the more I see how affected I've been by not having siblings. Of course not everyone has a great relationship with their siblings, but when you don't have any at all, you are guaranteed not to.

Neither of my parents are only children. I wonder if they have even thought about this themselves.

I am determined to make some good friends in the coming years to try and fill the sibling gap.

Kiki1703 · 26/04/2024 16:27

Strawberriesandpears · 15/07/2023 20:50

@CookieCutter8 I am in exactly the same position. It's tough. I know this might be controversial, but I think having an only child is a bit cruel. (Not that I'd say this to my parents - I do not know why they left me as an only child, there may have been a good reason). The older I get, the more I see how affected I've been by not having siblings. Of course not everyone has a great relationship with their siblings, but when you don't have any at all, you are guaranteed not to.

Neither of my parents are only children. I wonder if they have even thought about this themselves.

I am determined to make some good friends in the coming years to try and fill the sibling gap.

Perhaps they felt the same as you do about raising one child. That they just didn’t want to or have the capacity to raise more than one xx