Childfree by choice but grieving the family I will never have

[Fjorduk]

Hi! As the title says, I'm childfree by choice, I'm in my 40's, been with my partner for nearly 20 years, have a professional job and a pretty good life. We never wanted children and I know I wouldn't cope well raising a human but I find myself grieving the relationship I could have with adult children. I definitely don't want anyone to take care of me when I'm old, it's more the companionship and having your people, if you know what I mean?

I guess I'm feeling this because my parents are getting old now and I do spend a lot of time with them (holidays, etc), I'm wondering if life will feel empty when they're gone... at the same time I know for sure I don't want kids and I definitely don't want to put another human in this world. Is this normal?

I feel exactly the same. I'm 36 and in a new relationship, but I don't think we will have kids. I am am an only child too, so can see a point in the future where I am entirely without family. It's making me really depressed at the moment to be honest.

Yup, I'm exactly the same. I don't feel any sadness about missing out on having small children but I have a great relationship with my parents as an adult and feel sad I won't have that when I'm their age.

I do have adult children, but I also have two (separate) younger friends who are like my children. We holiday together; one of the friend’s kids call me grandma, we enjoy each other’s company, and they talk to me when they have issues that need an ear.

You can have that relationship with somebody who isn’t biologically yours (in fact, two of my children are adopted, so aren’t biologically mine, but are very much mine in every other way).

It takes a bit of time and patience to build those kind of relationships, but they are lovely.

I'm the same OP. I know I wouldn't cope well with raising children but I do feel sad about the thought of having no family when I'm older.

I'm late 30s and both parents are gone too.

I know exactly what you mean.

I definitely don't want my own children, it's never been an urge and there are a million and one reasons why I don't! DH feels the same.

But, I do feel a sadness at not having a family, sometimes; but I think I'm imagining something that's not even that realistic.

I've never regretted my decision though, and I wouldn't change it.

Emotions are complicated and contradictory!

Thank you so much for all your input, it definitely is a contradictory feeling.

I do have friends I can rely on but I'm an introvert and I just really feel like myself when I'm with my family. I'm always wondering if this is the happiest I will ever be, now that my parents are still here.

Yes I'm the same. I wish I could freeze this time with my parents still here and not too elderly. I'm also very close to my siblings and love my family, I just don't want to be the parent in it!

I’ve never really had much of a family. Growing up was… highly dysfunctional at best and I left home very young. My dad and grandmother were the only family members I had any kind of regular contact with, but they lived far away so I never saw them. My dad died a decade ago and my grandmother last year, having had Alzheimer’s for many years. Extended family have never been in the picture. My mum is on her own planet and doesn’t bother with me. Sometimes it feels like not a single person really gives a shit about me, but I learnt to cope with that feeling a long time ago.

I sometimes think it would be nice to create a family and get to experience what that’s like, to feel like a significant person in somebody’s life, to be part of something. But I know I wouldn’t cope with or enjoy the process of raising children. Plus I don’t have a partner. I could put more effort into finding one and being more sociable in general but I don’t have the energy for that at the moment. That will change though.

I guess I accepted a long time ago that I’m a Lone Wolf in this world and do my best to find alternative meaning, which for me is helping other people. I do grieve the life I could’ve had sometimes but it doesn’t do much good, does it?

I don’t worry about being elderly and alone so much because I’ll deal with it as I see fit, but I do worry about having health problems while I’m younger. I had a huge health scare last summer and spent a good few weeks thinking, How the fuck am I going to do this on my own. Fortunately after several tests and scans it turned out to be a false alarm, but it did make me think a bit more seriously about being open to a partner and putting more effort into finding new friendships.

I too feel abit like a lobe wolf too. I've found music to be a feel source of meaning in my life travel the world to gigs, its like it feeds my soul. I sometimes think my purpose is to just enjoy what this world has to offer, enjoy its beautiful nature etc. I know that probably sounds airy fairy to some but hey ho.

You will find ways to cope with your health. We are more resilient than we think esp being on your own ...

I wonder whether it’s a kind of airbrushed version that you are grieving - lots of adult children don’t speak to their parents, have complex problems requiring a lot of parental money/time/stress. When you have children, you worry about them - often til the day you die!

@Spectre8 sometimes think my purpose is to just enjoy what this world has to offer, enjoy its beautiful nature etc. I know that probably sounds airy fairy to some but hey ho.

Not at all! Nature gives me so much meaning, it always has. I try to go out and appreciate some of it every day.

I’m 39 and have slowly lost friends through them starting their families and through turning offers and wedding invites down because I’ve always been single. My mum is my best friend and I worry that I’ll be completely alone when I’m older. It’s so conflicting because I feel lonely sometimes but then, do I want to be a social butterfly.. absolutely not. It’s a case of grass is greener sometimes and it passes. I’m not happy other people feel like this but I’m glad I’m not alone.

'I know I wouldn't cope well raising a human but I find myself grieving the relationship I could have with adult children'

I relate to this so very much, although I felt the loss of having young children too. I chose not to have children because I just wouldn't have coped well with the relentlessness of it all, but it was a loss I had to grieve very deeply all through my 30s and a bit beyond. I felt so alone with it all too

I'm 43 now and often feel deeply grateful that I don't have kids, but there is still some grief there. I couldn't dream of going to a baby shower or christening or anything like that. As someone else said, emotions are MESSY and very complex!

I don’t know if it offers any comfort, but my mum had so many friends my age and younger that she enjoyed spending time with. After she died, they told me how like a second mum she was to them.

Just because you don’t have biological children doesn’t mean you can’t have strong and fulfilling relationships with young adults.

My mother in law only had boys, but my goodness she had a lot of daughters! We only really discovered how many when she'd died, she had paid deposits on rented flats, helped young mums escape abusive relationships, helped a young offender back into education - and then there were the young doctors and nurses she had worked with, so many bereft young professionals at her funeral pouring their hearts out about how she'd supported them in their early careers.

We have this wonderful letter we found in her belongings that reads like something from Bridget Jones diary; a wild young woman living her best life in the city and regaling my MIL with tales of sex drugs and rock n roll. MIL was obviously a trusted confidant but to this day we don't know who the letter was from.

You don't have to have had babies to gain a few adult children in your life.

I've often thought, if only there was a way to skip all the 0-16 part! I'd love an adult son/daughter. But then, as pp says, 'You don't have to have had babies to gain a few adult children in your life.' So hopefully I'll acquire one or two of these as I get older.

I think there is some truth in this also. My brother has been no contact with the rest of the family for a few years, and I know my mum is devastated.

A neighbour who lives on my mother's street has two children who now live abroad, and she complains to my mum that they don't ring her or don't come to visit (she's a bit of a nightmare so I can totally understand why). I'm sure she never thought that's how it would turn out when she had kids.

The reality is, we never know how it will be in the future. I also have a bit of sadness that I will never have that adult parent/child relationship in the future - not enough to actually have a child though. I will just have to maintain my friendships and social circle.

I've read too many threads on here about people still having a nightmare with children well I to their twenties, and other posters berating them for not putting these grown adults first, to think that it would necessarily be a positive.

But families are so often difficult, troubled, challenging etc.... very often they just make no sense. In my view, life is easier and far more straightforward without any family, but it's worth investing your energy in relationships with a few good friends.

I don't really understand how you can be child free by choice but then mourn the loss of children. Respect your feelings obviously but it's like posting on a vegan thread shout how much you miss meat? Just a bit odd. I rejoice at not having brats around

The modern tendency to baby adults into their thirties is shameful. I get it’s hard out there but fgs. There was a recent thread about a young woman complaining about her bitter, angry friend - someone who still lived at home at 27. It’s not natural and can’t be good for anyone involved.

Good for you. Not everyone feels the same about their decision not to have children - sometimes there are whats if's, or ponderings about other paths we could have taken.

You really cant imagine that other people might feel differently than you? Or that there might be complex and sometimes conflicting feelings?

Incidentally, I'm vegetarian - but every now and then I get the urge for a bacon sandwich (usually at the smell of frying bacon).

I also feel I guess content with my niece and nephews who are now either adults or almost. I didn't exactly find them fascinating as small children or anything but they're back in my country of origin where children aren't allowed to be bratty so they were never painful to have around, at least, and they're all really nice now and probably much better than any attempt at my own would have been.

I don't want babies, toddlers or teenagers. But I do love my family and unfortunately all of them will die at some point and I will be left alone with (hopefully) my partner. As much as friends can be family, I feel I will never have the same proximity to someone as I have with my parents, for example.

I also know I could have children and never see them, I guess my problem is that I always look at the very close relationship I have with my parents and I know I won't have that. If I could skip the first 25 years and I knew my child would be a happy and decent human, I would reconsider my decision of being childfree. But I cannot so decided not to have any. It's not black and white.

Saying this, I'm very happy with my life, I have a career, a loving partner, dogs, friends, we are renovating our dream house, travel a lot and money is not a problem. I know for sure I would be unhappy if I had a tinny human to raise.

Re. Nieces and nephews. DH and I are the only ones amongst our siblings who’ve had children, now 15 and 18. I’ve noticed that the aunties and uncles who did make abit of an effort when the kids were younger are the ones my DC care about now. DD (18), for example, keeps in touch the auntie who took her out abit when she was younger, but doesn’t bother with the auntie who wasn’t interested.

In family situations at least, you need to build those relationships over time, because young adults aren’t particularly interested in people in their 40’s and 50’s. 😂