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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

OMG my temp nanny who has 28 years experience left me this note in the diary.......

190 replies

theoriginalmummypoppins · 21/10/2009 10:15

' DS was disappointed that no one was able to watch his rugby match today. He said what is the point of having parents if they never come to see me '

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GypsyMoth · 21/10/2009 10:31

you aren't concerned at his comment???!!!

my oh my!!!!

hatwoman · 21/10/2009 10:33

cross-posted - I see you do make time to talk...also I don't think theoriginal is displacing her anger of not addressing the issue...it's possible to be both annoyed with eth nanny and concerned about ds and his feelings. the two aren't incompatible.

AtheneNoctua · 21/10/2009 10:35

"DS was disappointed that no one was able to watch his rugby match today..."

No one?
Where was she/he?

Writing that down without any conversation was very insensitive. There are better ways to communicate. She should have conveyed the message, but done it more tactfully.

clumsymum · 21/10/2009 10:35

"Both my children know that we cannot support matches in the week due to work commitments but will do all we can at the weekends for them"

Oh well, as long as they know where they come in your priorities .....

Why did you have children?

savoycabbage · 21/10/2009 10:35

He can still feel disappointed though. Even if he knows that you can't be there he can still feel.

mananny · 21/10/2009 10:35

Another slant to it could be your DS made this comment for the dramatic value - testing out the new albeit temp nanny? I've known some pre teens say APPALLING things to me about their parents when I have babysat/temped for them!!!! I don't know how old the OPs DS is, but could that be a possibility too?

BonsoirAnna · 21/10/2009 10:36

My DSSs did a two-week English course a few years ago. They were at our house for the first week of the course, and I did the ferrying to and fro (DP was at work) and DP and I were the parents who showed up on the Friday afternoon for the end-of-week display of what the children had learnt.

For the second week of the course the boys were at their mother's house and their nanny did the ferrying to and fro. Their mother did not attend the end-of-week show - their nanny did, alone. She was the only nanny at the show - all the other children had parents/grandparents there, even where their nannies had been doing the ferrying all week.

The nanny told DP this, and DP tackled this with exW.

MarshaBrady · 21/10/2009 10:36

Sod the nanny, it's a minor thing surely. She's only temp and hasn't completely followed your wishes.

She'll be gone soon, she doesn't fit your family anyway. I don't find what she did that shocking.

GypsyMoth · 21/10/2009 10:37

what are your nanny's hours?? i bet they are long and the diary helps at handovers....better than forgetting things isn't it?

Original poster

theoriginalmummypoppins · 21/10/2009 10:38

hatwoman she lives in !

I had presumed that someone so qualified would have dealt with this in a much more professional manner.

isnt it part of a nanny's role to deal with children's emotional wellbeing as well ? If she felt it was a real problem she could have raised it in a sensitive way and let us know that hshe had concerns.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 21/10/2009 10:41

Do you know whether other children playing in your DS's rugby match had their parent(s) watching, rather than nannies?

DarrellRivers · 21/10/2009 10:42

Goodness, all of you turning on OP have you never had horrid things said to you by your little darlings.
Sometimes I can't go to things, sometimes DH can't go to things, sometimes grandparents go, sometimes your nanny will go.
You can't go to everything, and yes, I imagine that is why op has a nanny, to go to the things she can't.

Nanny handled very rigidly and not at all well and perhaps DS more upset by the temp nanny than is letting on
Sounds like nanny and most posters are judgy mcjudging the OP

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 21/10/2009 10:42

I still think your anger is misplaced - I do a diary for my charges and would note this down in the book (I would also discuss it with mb.db when they got home)

Have you spoken to your son?

Original poster

theoriginalmummypoppins · 21/10/2009 10:44

Of course I am upset about the comment and even more upset in the way in which it was reported to me.

But I know my DS who is the world's greatest exagerator and I also know the reality of what we do and dont watch.............all plays , concerts, weekend matches etc etc.

the reality is that like the majority of working parents with children at prep school we cannot get to matches at 2.45 in the afternnon especially when between tmy 2 dc's they have played in 4 matches this week.

I pay a nanny to bridge the gap and would expect her to have handled this in a professional and sensitive manner both with DS and us.

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 21/10/2009 10:45

If I remember correctly, MP's nanny has a very cushy job with two pre teen kids who go to school all day every day.

mananny, excellent post. I was thinking the same thing. My 6 year old DD will put on a show and act like a poor deprived orphan if she thinks you;ll give her a piece of chocolaet for her distress. And it could very well be MP's DS was doing similar.

clumsy, "why did you have children?" is a bloody rude thing to say to someone... anyone. The amount of love one has for his/her children is not in any way related to the number of hours he/she works.

For what it's worth, my 6 year old and I also have an arrangement that I go to work all week long. I am not available during school hours. But, I am available on the weekend. That's our deal. The alternative is that she will give up all of her activities, forget the gym membership, and have no food to eat, and will dress in rags. When I point this out, she tells me to go to work.

carriedababi · 21/10/2009 10:46

how long per day, do you get the chanve to talk to the nanny?
does she have the time to talk with you?

clumsymum · 21/10/2009 10:48

"isnt it part of a nanny's role to deal with children's emotional wellbeing as well ?"

Not to the same extent that it is a PARENT'S role.

In my estimation, she is dealing with your son's emotional well-being, by letting you know that he was upset. He wants you or his Dad at the match, not the hired help.

OK you don't like the fact that she wrote it down. From your tone here, I suspect she wrote it in the book because she was worried about how you might respond to her if she said it to your face.

Get over the fact that she wrote it down. Deal with the matter at hand, which is that DS wants a bit more of YOUR attention.

leeloo1 · 21/10/2009 10:48

Maybe she felt unable to discuss it with you. I'm not sure how she could have phrased it so it was less blunt - and any kind of preamble 'I'm sorry to have to tell you...' 'It was very distressing when...' 'I reassured DS when he said' etc seem to make it worse and more judgmental. What she has put is factual and she may well have felt it needed to be said and you'd want to know.

Having said that I know its distressing to read and if you don't want her to tell you things like that then tell her not to in future.

Your son may know why you're not there, but it doesn't stop it being hard for him (how old is he?). When I was at school I knew my parents couldn't come to sports days etc because of their work, but it didn't stop me looking round for them, with a small glimmer of hope that for some reason they'd have been able to make it. I wish someone had told my parents (however bluntly) to rearrange work or call in sick or whatever so they could be there!

morningpaper · 21/10/2009 10:51

Did your DH not read the diary before he did the handover with the nanny?

BonsoirAnna · 21/10/2009 10:54

Maybe it is precisely because she is a temp nanny that she is a little bit braver and more forward in reporting your DCs' feelings than a long-term nanny would be? My DSSs' very long term live-in nanny didn't dare say anything to DP's exW's face, but, once she had already left, needed a very long lunch with DP to let all her pent-up frustration and resentment out .

MarshaBrady · 21/10/2009 10:55

No one is turning on the op.

I still stand by the fact that what she did ie write something down rather than speak with you (or deal with your son's emotional well-being there and then) wasn't a huge thing which warrants such shock.

Ok so you can't make all the matches, that is neither here nor there. Your ds may be being dramatic about it but still, now you know.

No matter if a nanny has a job description, or is there to soothe your child, your child doesn't always fit in with it, ie letting or being happy with a nanny look after his emotional well-being.

AtheneNoctua · 21/10/2009 10:55

Do you think nanny has painted an accurate picture of the conversation she had with DS? SOme nannies (no all of course) don't really approve of working mothers. And tend to encourage such thoughts of disapproval in their charges. They comments like some of the one's clumsy mummy is making on this thread. Do you think this night might have such an attitude towards your working hours, and do you think DS might have picked up on them?

And was nanny at the rugby match??? Did DS make these comments with previous nanny? If not, perhaps he just does not like this particular nanny?

There are so many assumptions on this thread. The only facts we have are the statement in the diary. And, MPs additional posted information.

For eaxample: "I suspect she wrote it in the book because she was worried about how you might respond to her if she said it to your face" But, actually, I don't think there is any basis for that conclusion.

MarshaBrady · 21/10/2009 10:57

Well then all we really know is that the ds said 'what is the point of having parents if they never come to see me'.

WIthout more information people will respond to that. And will assume the op would want to deal with that too.

Fair enough.

AtheneNoctua · 21/10/2009 10:58

CORRECTION:
Do you think this nanny might have such an attitude...

Hullygully · 21/10/2009 10:58

Moving on from all forms of outrage, how about if you and DH took one afternoon off each per term so that two matches got attended and the dc had something to look forward to/ were proud of having you there?

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