What would you do in this childcare situation? Nanny or boarding school?

[Pawslikepaddington]

In three years (miles away, I know, but I'm already worrying!) I will have an 8 y/o dd. I am a single parent and I can't see that changing. For one year, I will be working 8am until 10pm almost every weekday, and so don't know what would be best.

My hours after that year will be bad, but I can bring work home, so will not be stuck in the office, so am more likely to be able to pick dd up from school and drop her off etc.

I went to a boarding school at 11, and those that boarded from 8 loved going (she would be a weekly boarder), but to me 11 seems too young, let alone 8. But on the plus side she would be able to stay on at the school then as a day pupil once this awful year was over.

Dd will have to move schools that year anyway, as we have to move out of the area we are in at the moment (she is in state at the moment, and will stay in state if we get a nanny).

A nanny seems like a much better option for me, but would they be ok with these kind of hours? They seem very long! And we would be talking a lot of money wouldn't we, as I would have to leave the house at 6.30/7am each morning, so the nanny would have to be there from 6.30am until 10pm.

This is worst case scenario hours-wise, but sadly it also looks like it will be the most likely one. I know this is a dreadful situation to put dd in, but it is for the best, or I would not be doing it. I feel dreadful about it already.

Yeah-much better this week-got my first ever first, which has spurred me on like crazy! (Although have just spent the afternoon doing the garden as the weather is so glorious, and it got some much needed fresh air in the house!) However, am about to start up again now. What a feeling it is to go from a 2.2 to a first-I may have cracked structure at last!!

Have you read "How to get a first"?

I have, but have already veered away from the advice . Bad, BAD woman!!

That's great! Congratulations! Thing is, once you sort of crack it, it becomes easier to do it again and again - it's a kind of formula. Onwards and upwards!

Am blowing my trumpet-papaaah papaaah!! The best thing was it was for my hardest supervisor, who reads out essays and rips them to shreds. I had to listen to 20 mins of him teasing other students, then all he said to me was "put headings in" and gave it straight back-I was in heaven (and the look of shock on the other student's faces was wonderful too!) . How are you getting on?

I'd vote for boarding school

my excharge started boarding at 8 and LOVES it

boards mon - fri, goes mon am, home fri pm

I have looked thrugh the brochusres of numerosue schools too, including those that allow children to baord from very younge and they look lovely and i know my ex charges really love it!

Paws - you sound like an inspirational mum - best of luck to you

Please don't send your dd to boarding school.

BTW being married isn't about washing marks off your DH's underwear - hope you find your Mr Darcy one day

I would ask your DD which options she would prefer.

Ha ha, not so inspirational today-have slobbed out on mn! I deserve a holiday too occasionally tho I feel, so may as well take it at half term .

I do have my name down on the Darcy waiting list, but sadly my Darcy is with a very (insert nice work for loud and raucous) welsh lady, so fear I may not be his type! . He is however Highly Dashing and Very Proper, so hope she may be a phase that I can pick up the pieces for later on!

PLP - hats off to you - you're doing phenomenally well. What I would say though is the following (and I say this as an Oxbridge educated and MC trained lawyer):

• I don't think the hours will be as bad ALL the time as a pupil as you think. Sometimes maybe but not constantly
• but I don't think the hours will ease up in the way you think when you get tenancy - you've still got to please the clients, keep the clerks happy etc
• I'd really think again as to whether being a solicitor may be the way forward.
• City hours though can be pretty bad but there are some decent firms in Cambridge - think about applying to them
• its not complusory to be a barrister of MC - you can choose otherwise
• even brilliant people with Oxbridge firsts can struggle to become barristers so don't pin all your hopes on this. Sorry but lots of people overlook this

I must admit-asking dd is VERY sensible, as she is a sensible little girl and will weigh up the pro's and con's, make lists etc!

It is most likely she will want everything to stay as normal as possible, so if I can keep her at her school, stay in Cambridge etc that would far outweigh any boarding benefits, as she is like me in that respect (i.e. likes to be at home and in familiar surroundings) and I would hate to think of her being upset and me still having to keep her at the school. (Changing nanny vs changing school debate).

However, if she decides she wants to go down the Harry Potter/Mallory Towers route I am there for her in that decision too-the worst case scenario is she hates term 1, I give a terms notice, she leaves at the end of term 2 and get a nanny for term 3-life will not end!

I know Axis, I know . Would rather look at the options now though and then them not come to fruitition, than not look at them and end up stuck!

OP,
can i ask you what vitamins are you taking?

Waw! I know other women who lead similar lives but tbh they all have families around. I think you are very brave to do this with no family help. And even so it is not my cup of tea i have to take my hat off to you!

As for your dilemma, personally i would choose the nanny option. If you go for this then take your time to choose one, interview as many as possible and be very honest and clear about what you are offering. With your busy life and in order to cover illneses etc you dont need a second best nanny or resetment or nanny leaving you and then have to get new one etc. You need a very good nanny and you need all the parts to be happy, so if these means some extra money or small gifts or time off....
FWIW when i was early 20s (this was 20 yrs ago ) and i was nannying i would take this job and would like to work for you

All the best luck

(Tiramisu is running to the pharmacy to buy vitamins. Feeling so lazy when reading posts like this )

P.S. Kitty, Tankie wasn't spiteful. At all. And she always gives good advice from a nanny's point

No vitamins but I eat a lot of liquorice! A lot!!!! I have loads of vits in the cupboard, but never get round to taking them! I love nannies now!

Off to buy liquorice then. Even so i dont like it at all

I absolutely take my hat off to you!

I think I would go for the weekly boarding option tbh - you started down this route when your Mum was going to be heavily involved in DD's care. Now that she isn't and given your lack of other relatives/DD's lack of siblings, I think this puts a huge pressure on DD's relationship with a Nanny. It is hard for a child to understand that, to a Nanny, this is a job and much as she may love your DD to bits, if her circumstances change, she will move on. A school would give DD the stability she needs during the week but with more people around. Plus you and she would then have your home to yourselves at the weekends. I don't know what goes on with boarding schools during school holidays though.

I just think you could have everything worked out, have found the perfect nanny etc etc, DD becomes really attached to her and then she leaves. You've then got the nightmare of finding someone else at short notice (plus possibly dealing with an upset DD as well) whilst working those long hours, with no backup to help in the meantime. I really think in your circumstances, you need the certainty and permanance of a school.

IMHO obviously!

I think the choice really depends on your child Paws. I have 1 ds who would thrive at Boarding school, is a real team player and very sporty, and have 1 who would much prefer to be at home with a much loved guardian, be it you or a nanny. I think in the next year or 2 you'll get a much clearer idea of her personality and which would suit her.
Good luck though, and much admiration for everything you are doing.
Kitty... have to say am very surprised to see your post! Can't remember anyone on the CMN&AP board judging you when you came for advice!

Thanks all of you. She does love school, and what you said sinking is very true-even if the nanny was willing to stay on to do school pick up/drop offs after the year, the attachment for dd would be much stronger for her than the nanny.

Dd does love to be around her peers, but any little remark one of them may make to her (you're not my friend any more, you are not coming to my party etc) really stings her, which could be a problem. The main problems I had with boarding school isolation were not being able to ring mum daily (which would have helped me cope more easily with the lack of friends, but dd is much more confident and happy than I was, so finds it much easier to mix), and never receiving mail (I thought mum had forgotten about me). If I keep in daily contact with dd it may not be as bad as I remember it being.

Still leaning heavily towards the nanny route though!

Another thing about the nanny is that even though she will be asleep, you can go in and see her ever so briefly. It's not much, but it's a whole lot better than an empty bedroom. My DD (who is 5 now) is often asleep when I get home. I'll go in and say good night and will kind of wake up, roller say good night, and then she goes back to sleep. But, in the morning, she knows I was there.

I am all for boarding school, but not at age 8. That is too young except for the exceptionally independant. And it doesn't sound like your DD is in this group.

She's only 5 - 8 is a very different ball-game and a lot can change. You're doing absolutely the right thing thinking about it now. I would investigate both options thoroughly: visit schools, grill staff, pupils and parents, speak to nanny agencies and shamelessly pump the nannies and nanny employers on here for information (I'd also involve DD as much as you can in this process). Thus when the time comes, you can talk to DD and assess what you both think would be the right route for you

Congrats on being so ambitious and well organised!!! Am also wondering if need to up my vitamins as don't achieve nearly as much as you are!

Just a few random thoughts, (not a lawyer and thought the magic circle was something Paul Daniels was a member of! Is that the Hogwarts link someone mentioned???) but if I was you I'd look into weekly boarding, as you could get all your work/overtime/research etc done during the week and make the weekends fab, lovely and exciting for your DD. At bs she'll be with lots of friends who are in the same boat, which would be very different to everyone else's mum picking them up at 3.15 except hers. If you have a nanny you might well find that you end up rushing home to be with your DD, p'ing off work who'd rather you were doing overtime and/or feeling guilty for not putting the hours in, so your time with her won't be as good and you'd maybe have to put work in while she was sleeping or at weekends?!

Doesn't the Leas (sp?) take LOs from 8? I used to walk past there on my way to work (at Newnham!) and the LOs always seemed so happy. I think if you handled it in the right way - making DD part of decision and letting her 'choose' which school she goes to (after your vetting) and what she'll do with you at weekends, letting her know she can leave if she hates it after settling in time (the schools must have good procedures for settling LOs in, so probably wouldn't be a problem). It could be a real adventure for her... although she might love it so much she doesn't want to leave, so you might need to consider what you'd do if that happened?!

You are doing the right thing thinking about it - but in my opinion (and I am donning my fire proof suit as I type) this is just not something you can do if you have an 8 year old child. She will not see you at all during the week. It is not for the best - children do not see the bigger picture, they see what is happening to them now this minute. Sorry.

There are 3 boarding schools for lo's here-St Johns College school and Kings College School (which only go up to age 11 anyway so are HEAVY on the pastoral care, which is what dd needs, and they have chorister boarders so have a lot of lo's boarding) and of course the Leys (which is HUGE!)

I know what you mean about the guilt thing-I wouldn't be as worried about rushing like mad, and my hours would not matter during the week. Would love to keep her in Cambridge if I could, as she would feel much less uprooted. Thank you all for being so supportive, you are all such stars!

Seeker-I am also looking into ways to delay it as much as poss-if my marks are good enough I can try and get onto the PhD programme, which is another three years, and go down the academic route-much more time for dd that way (and is the route I would prefer), but the marks need to be top notch, which is what I am worried about!

Ah 'Leys', that was it... Hadn't thought about it, but a school that goes up to 11 would probably be far better for her and everything would be geared towards little people of similar ages rather than chance of her getting 'lost' amongst the big people!

Totally agree with the posts saying that as a woman you can't always do it all - better to be honest and admit this and be a fab lawyer during week and fab mummy Fri pm - Mon am! Otherwise you end up killing yourself trying to do everything and pleasing no-one. (I'm currently planning a temporary-ish career change - usually a reception teacher - for the same reason!).

Oh and you're right, definitely better to be in Cambridge, so she'll be in familiar surroundings and have less travelling time - also would hopefully have local friends to see in holiday times (and share childcare with?) and hopefully be able to maintain some of her current friendships at weekends. My cousin was in boarding school (Oakham - family lived in Leeds) and he absolutely loved it, but the one issue was that his friends lived all round the country so he found holidays a bit dull.