What would you do in this childcare situation? Nanny or boarding school?

[Pawslikepaddington]

In three years (miles away, I know, but I'm already worrying!) I will have an 8 y/o dd. I am a single parent and I can't see that changing. For one year, I will be working 8am until 10pm almost every weekday, and so don't know what would be best.

My hours after that year will be bad, but I can bring work home, so will not be stuck in the office, so am more likely to be able to pick dd up from school and drop her off etc.

I went to a boarding school at 11, and those that boarded from 8 loved going (she would be a weekly boarder), but to me 11 seems too young, let alone 8. But on the plus side she would be able to stay on at the school then as a day pupil once this awful year was over.

Dd will have to move schools that year anyway, as we have to move out of the area we are in at the moment (she is in state at the moment, and will stay in state if we get a nanny).

A nanny seems like a much better option for me, but would they be ok with these kind of hours? They seem very long! And we would be talking a lot of money wouldn't we, as I would have to leave the house at 6.30/7am each morning, so the nanny would have to be there from 6.30am until 10pm.

This is worst case scenario hours-wise, but sadly it also looks like it will be the most likely one. I know this is a dreadful situation to put dd in, but it is for the best, or I would not be doing it. I feel dreadful about it already.

Hey, yes it is trainee barrister, but sadly we get send to magic circle firms or the bar, so no chance of high street hours.

Solicitor hours are so much worse so I have been told, as they don't cool off after a while, so dd would be stuck with a nanny for good . Am not planning for mega commercial sets or anything, am quite happy with a tax or trusts based set, so that the hours are less (am not too bothered about the money-I want to own a house and be able to buy dd a car when she is 18, but they are my main aspirations!), and am heading down to one of the Inns on Thursday for another chat with junior barristers to try and blindly feel my way round!

Sadly my mum died last year, and my dad wasn't there (which is why mum had the same problems, history repeating itself!!) so I have no family back up. I probably would run out of court to be with her, at the loss of my job .

And I will need to learn to type properly or this won't come to fruitition anyway!!

Right, better get to lectures or this will never happen-but will have a look this afternoon-thank you all-I need your views and opinions!

Paws, you haven't mentioned family - are there any close family members nearby, or even that you could think of moving closer to sometime in the next 3 years? Although you would still need a nanny, if regular visits for tea etc could be arranged, this may also help provide some security/stability. Possibly not an option for you though if you've not mentioned it so far.

Paws - not so. i am a soliitor - magic circle trained and then silver circle ( top 20 firm ) for 15 years. Trainee hours are only long in certain departments like corp finance - otheriwse pretty ok ( especailly in property and litigation for e.g. outside trail times ). I left on average at about 7.oopm every night meaning home 8pm - much better than your 10pm. I should think you would burn yourself out and must be very very pessimistic to htink that 10pm every single night is average. I was a trainee during early nineties boom and we did about 3 allnighters - i.e. till morning wit hchampers breakfast after. Live in nanny would suit you perfectly for that set up.

When i qualified and moved to silver circle firm I moved in to an area of law where traditionally the hours are not fearsome - average finsih was about 6pm quiet days adn at worst 8pm. There had to be a serious deal on where wwent past 8pm.

And actually even in the seroius depts ( corp finance, private equity) where there was no current deal afoot hours were also ok.

You really really need to rethink this unless you have a burning desire to go to the bar and be in court. Even then - we all have to redesign our dreams sometimes and especially when we have kids. |Money is also not great at the bar unless you are very succesful and practice in heavily monied city areas in which case your hours would always be held to ransom by last minute briefs from city firm. i personally don't think this type of area/life is sustainable with young family and think you can do much better for your money.

sorry - crosss posts there; sorry to hear about your mum. In that case a network of schoolfriends, surrogate aunties etc would be good to build up.

Agree with lisalisa - and also as a solicitor you can always gain additional rights of audience after qualification.

Paws: did you say that you are in Cambridge? You have 2 state boarding schools (much cheaper than independents) fairly near you - is this another possibility?

To top it off crumpet I am an only child, so no siblings to give dd a bit of family every so often-I sound like a troll now!

The original plan when I applied for law was for mum to come and live with us asap (would have been this year) so that she could retire early and enjoy life while I was studying, and give dd the bit of family she needed once training came (mum and dd were VERY close, as it was like mum knew exactly what to do this time round) and I would also get a nanny, so once dd was asleep mum would take over IYSWIM, and would be there for broken bones and broken hearts until I could get there. It also meant that there would be no need for a live in nanny, but sadly that has gone out of the window!

Paws, I'm going to stick my neck out here and no doubt be very unpopular because of it.

I cannot understand how you could consider doing this to your daughter.

yes you'll get a great job eventually , but honestly do you really think that basically not being around all week is alright? Is your career choice worth doing this to her?
You will never get this time back.

I am asking this because I genuinely don't understand how you could leave her like this.

Oooh lisalisa-they have been telling us the opposite! .

Am really not THAT bothered as regards what I do as long as I get to see dd-that is no.1 super main mega thing.

I started with a massive burning advocacy desire, but it has waned over time, so would be much happier simply knowing I had a secure job, that I wouldn't lose due to credit crunches, I could always afford the mortgage, and that the thought of going to work in the morning didn't make me cry myself to sleep as I knew I had reached my peak and it wasn't stretching enough (as it did in my 9-5 as a mortgage advisor). They are my main ultimate objectives in job satisfaction!

Kittywise-because if I go back to the kind of job I was doing before she would still be taking dd to a childminders at 7.30/8am, I would be picking her up at 6pm, I would be earning £11k, defaulting on my rent or my mortgage, and would resent the fact that I didn't get to better the family financially and myself emotionally simply because I got to spend 6-6.30pm in gridlocked traffic with her to get her home from the cm's, and then get her in the bath and off to bed for 7.30pm.

I would not be spending quality time with her anyway-I would be miserable, and I know it is selfish to think that my job satisfaction equates to a greater level of happiness for dd, but for me it makes me a happier person, and therefore makes her time with me more tolerable.

I'm a bit garbled on that point, sorry kitty!

Hi Paws, I am a nanny - and although I am now living with my partner and a bit past living-in, I would have certainly considered something like your job when I was in my early twenties - even more so if I was a student too.

A live-in nanny might choose to go away at the weekends, but she might choose to stay and you would need to be ok with her being around. The hours you need are about 10 a day, right? 6am-9am, and 3pm-10pm. Ten hour days are very normal for nannies, and she would have time off during the day, but I assume she would need to be on call if there is a problem during the school day with your DD? And during the school holidays the days would be very long for her, so I think you would need to pay at the top end really - maybe in the holidays you could book your dd into some kind of a playscheme so the nanny is still free in the day?

As your daughter would be 11, I think you can go for a less experienced or unqualified nanny, and this will save you some money. Ideally I would probably look for an Australian or NZ nanny on a one year visa.
Money wise, obviously it's difficult to guess for 3 years time, but I would think ballpark £300-£500 net a week. That will cost you anything between 22k and 38k a year, approx, without taking into account food bills, petrol, heating and lighting, activities etc.

I would still be taking dd to the childminders-erugh!

Paws- I also had a burning advocacy ambition whilst at uni ( as you put it so eloquently) but went off it as many people said its hard to get in if you're a woman, of an ethnic minority ( as i am ) and bad huors etc. So I decided to be a solicitor and have not regretted it. I have not lost a job yet due to credit crunch althouhg have been made redundant once and found a new job straight away. now in severe recessionary times am hanging on by a thread but my area is dicretly in line of fire.

i don't thin you can evern have a ajob that is totally recession proof and the bar is no excpetion. Pick an area of law that interests you and is reasonably well protected and go for that . i would drop your aim for the bar, I really would . After 2 years training as a solicitor your hours would be much better and there is so much more flexibility around these dya s- I work from 8.00am to 3.oopm so there in hte playground every day. once you put in a few years wrok that type of optoin will be avaialbel to you too.

Hey Tankie-thank you. Dd would be 8, sorry, I'm not v clear, I get upset when I think about this! She is 5 now. I like to put her into sports playchemes etc during the holidays anyway-she likes to be around other children, and is an only so needs it IMO, so would be at sports camp/ballet school/horse riding club from 10-4 (those are the usual hours). I would not expect the nanny to keep her happy and entertained for more hours than I could manage were I at home IYSWIM.

Would nannies be ok if I asked them to take her to the aquarium or V & A museum or something for a day during half term though? We always do at least one London day trip during half terms, although I'm not sure what we will do for longer hols as Christmas was a mismash and Easter hasn't happened yet, and she LOVES it-she really looks forward to it, so if she still loved it then I would like to keep it up, but could take her at the weekend instead if not.

I'm already saving for the nanny, such lovingly saved money!

Oh lisa thank you for hopping on here-I need your wisdom and advice!!

I already feel guilty as I only pick her up on a Tuesday and Friday due to my classes running until 4.30, and some of the kids in the playground are so mean! One told her that dd could never play at her house, as her mummy didn't love her enough to pick her up from school . It took me weeks to straighten that out. Thankfully her three best friends all have to go to the after school club too, so she is usually ok, but comments like that are so hard to try and erase.

P.S. Thanks Oshgosh, I had no idea there were state boarding schools near me!

Oh Paws - that is horrid. She is only 5 now though isn't she so very young . Her friends won't make comments like this in a few years. The playground thing is a biggie though - my kids did get a lot less playdates when i wasn't around as they do tend to get arranged by mums on the hoof so to speak. You have to be very organised ( which i wasn't - once at work I focused on that ) to arrange them in advance and get numbers,dates, times etc.

Once you start work and can't be in the playground any more I would empower nanny to arrange whatever she wants and arrange taxis to the playdtate house for nanny to go and pick up at end of dday when you can't. it's really all about making your dd feel she is not missing out.

Glad to have been of help

Even aged 8, I don't think masses of experience and training are as important as with a baby iyswim - you just want someone fun, sensible and reliable (but get them first aid trained, just in case).

The day trips would be something you'd have to negotiate. A 50 hour working week is already very long, and the nanny may have a regular class or something during the day that runs through school holidays. And I'd have a feeling your daughter would love to share a special outing with you rather than the nanny.

I think I'd have coped fine with weekly boarding at 8 btw, but my sister wouldn't have. I always begged my parents to send me to boarding school, too much Malory Towers...

lisalisa - good point about playdates. I have two school aged charges, and as I do the drop off and pick up I chat to other mums and nannies, arrange playdates, help out at school discos or trips.

Oh lisa-you are fab! I usually put little notecards in the bookbags of the children in her class , saying "dd really enjoyed coming to yours for tea last term/dd really enjoys playing with little kitkins in the playground and talks about her loads etc, would s/he like to come for tea one day? Dd goes to A-S club, but if you let me know when you are free it is very flexible. My mobile no is .." and it has worked really well so far. I keep on sending them to people we haven't played with, and eventually I will have everyone's mobile numbers and that should make them easier to arrange!

I really cannot stress how much you have cheered me up lisa-thank you!

hi Paws

I had a baby when just one year PQE as a solicitor, then took time out (3.5 year). I wanted to go back to work, and considered all sorts of hairbrained ideas as I didn't think it would work with 2 small children. I did my TC at a large provincial firm that expected 8.30 - 6.30 hours, but also it took me over an hour and a half to get there. I couldn't go back.

Fast forward...we moved to London (well end of tube) and I got a job as an in house lawyer. I work full time and love it. hours 8 - 5. hardly ever stay late. Can work from home once a week. Am paid £50k ish. I know it is not much vs MC firms, but it works for me. The plus side is that I see my boys every morning and for about an hour every evening. They are in full time nursery and we have an au pair.

Perhaps you could think about taking a similar path once you have some experience under your belt??

And you tankie-sorry! I must admit, I enjoy the trips too, so would be very if someone else got to go instead! Am so glad that other people are in need of nannies for more than the 9-5-have been feeling like this happens to no one else!

Paws, have I got this right?
You are a single parent.
You are in your early 20s.
Your DD is 5ish.
You are putting yourself through law school (at a top school).
You have no family support and not father in the picture.

Wow! I take my hat off to you!

Kitty, shame on you. The was a nasty post.

Very much so mumof2-as long as I don't get bored with the job it isn't the money so much as the wanting to go to work. The only reason I worry about money is because I am the only breadwinner, so what would be a good salary for one half of a couple is a mediocre salary to support a london-based family. However, Mr Darcy may appear in house-I never know!