What would you do in this childcare situation? Nanny or boarding school?

[Pawslikepaddington]

In three years (miles away, I know, but I'm already worrying!) I will have an 8 y/o dd. I am a single parent and I can't see that changing. For one year, I will be working 8am until 10pm almost every weekday, and so don't know what would be best.

My hours after that year will be bad, but I can bring work home, so will not be stuck in the office, so am more likely to be able to pick dd up from school and drop her off etc.

I went to a boarding school at 11, and those that boarded from 8 loved going (she would be a weekly boarder), but to me 11 seems too young, let alone 8. But on the plus side she would be able to stay on at the school then as a day pupil once this awful year was over.

Dd will have to move schools that year anyway, as we have to move out of the area we are in at the moment (she is in state at the moment, and will stay in state if we get a nanny).

A nanny seems like a much better option for me, but would they be ok with these kind of hours? They seem very long! And we would be talking a lot of money wouldn't we, as I would have to leave the house at 6.30/7am each morning, so the nanny would have to be there from 6.30am until 10pm.

This is worst case scenario hours-wise, but sadly it also looks like it will be the most likely one. I know this is a dreadful situation to put dd in, but it is for the best, or I would not be doing it. I feel dreadful about it already.

How do you know already what your hours will be in three years time?

If 11 seems young to you (did you enjoy it?), then 8 certainly is. You shouldn't really need to ask.

I'm sure the money you would be spending on her boarding school will cover the cost of a nanny.

F/t nanny costs much more than boarding school. Could you have a live-in nanny? - who would then have time off during the day when your daughter is at school. I imagine that is your best bet. A nanny who was studying might be happy to have the time off in the middle of the day

I have spoken to the people I will be working for and they say that the first year (as a trainee) you are the first in and last to leave, otherwise they don't take you on at the end of it. There is another avenue I can go into, which would be much more tolerable, especially with regards to the hours, but only the top 2 or 3 students (which sadly is not me) can do it, although I am trying to get there!!

Poor you - this sounds like a stressful thing to have to deal with.

Perhaps you could have a combination of live-out nanny and live-in au pair if the hours were going to be too long?

For one 8 year old girl, I can't see a nanny objecting to working 7 til 10, but you need a live in one. Then she will just be a housewife who gets paid! As your daughter will presumable be at full time school.

Thanks wooden spoon. I feel like I am letting dd down so much. I have always been there for her, which is one of the reasons I started studying in the first place, but it has taken on a momentum of its own and I feel like I am abandoning her, but want (need even) some financial security and job security for us, which this will bring, hopefully for life.

you should get a live in nanny and expect to have a lot of discussion upfront about hours. You will be able to give her time off in the day when your dd is at school but you will be putting a lot of restriction on her ability to have a social life - would you require the same hours on a friday night for example?

also bear in mind that your dd will be spending a lot of her time with the nanny - and very little time with you. (This is not meant as a judgemental comment by the way - but a factual statement). I think you should therefore consider the personality of the nanny and how she would get on with your dd as a very important recruitment criteria and I think it probably restricts you to native English speakers.

We had an Australian nanny who would have suited this type of role so I think you would be able to find someone - but be realistic about what the job requires - for both the nanny's sake and, more importantly, your daughter's.

Thank you all-thought you were all going to beat me with a big, flaming, child-dumping brush! Am so glad there seem to be nanny-based options, am absolutely over the moon about that. If I had a live in nanny, would she be ok with still living with us during the weekends, but not working IYSWIM? Am worried an au-pair would be too inexperienced for such a long day. DD will be at f-t school, and probably brownies and swimming as after school activities. Oooh, it might mean I can stay in Cambridge if I'm lucky and commute in, as this is sounding more possible!

Hello again, Paws!

Personally, I would go for the nanny. I think you would find one to work those hours, although, as you say, it would be expensive.

I went to boarding school (f/t though, so not quite the same situation), and I wouldn't choose it for my DD. I was desperately homesick.

You are NOT letting your DD down: you are working for her future too. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for her and for you.

I think you need to ask the nannies if they would consider this, and how much money they would expect, and the conditions etc. Ask here or on a nanny site?

You might be better off looking for a nanny/housekeeper. Your DD will be out of the house during school hours, so if you hired a housekeeper, she could keep the house running while you slave your butt off in the office.

I would also go for live in nanny - let her have ample time off during the day as others have said but make clear that the most important part of the job is the evning hours so that this is not an add on but the part that nanny focuses on so no resentment breeds etc. `

Good luck to you - why would anyone beat yuo? you are a single parent tgrying admirably to do your best for you and your dd. Your dd won't suffer - its only for a year and provided yo uget the best childcare you can and are there for her on weekends and call home after school every day to chat to her ( if you can) she will be fine.

Dd is a delicate little soul-she needs a lot of love and cuddles (she isn't whingey, but she does like to know there is someone in the house who really loves her, as opposed to is looking after her as a favour), so I would do a lot of rigourous nanny-testing!! I can't see Fridays going on too late, as Courts will end at 4.30/5ish, so there will be no trial to prepare for the next day, and hopefully if I have worked my butt off all week they may be more lenient, so may let me go home to let the nanny have a night off (and let me snuggle up with dd!!). Also if I finished early she would be still paid but have the time free to go and see friends if she was able to make arrangements IYSWIM, or if she wanted to she could come for a pizza or something with dd and I (I am still early 20's, so we would have a few things in common, but the poor thing would be so fed up with my horrid working hours putting on her by then she may well just want to be left alone!!)

I'm going to go against the grain and say boarding school, if you really wouldn't see her during the day Mon-Fri anyway and it would be weekly only so much less chance she would be homesick anyway and tons to do during the week at a good boarding school whilst you aren't there. (I went to boarding school F/T from 10)

I mean if I finish early during the week, Friday will hopefully be time off for her most weeks (her, gosh I'm sexist!).

Hi Pent [waves manically!]. Am so glad I am not a bad person doing this-will see if Mary Poppins is still looking for a place . I can stop being such a misery now, this is possible, hooray! And it will give me more impetus to make weekends a special time-have been meaning to get back into exciting weekends for ages, but they mainly end in slobbery-if I get into the habit now it will be harder to break when the long hours come.

It is at times like this I think mumsnet may be the best thing on the planet-when you expect a rollocking and get lovely sensible answers (pent-you have a knack of getting onto those threads somehow!)

I think you need to be 100% sure that this career choice is worth it.

I was that child. Except I was 7 (young for year). I said I loved it. Everyone thought I thrived at boarding school. The reality was I was only happy because I knew the alternative was worse. And my relationship with my parents never picked up from there. Even when they changed me back to a day pupil later on (quite a while later on admittedly, 5 years not the one you are thinking of) it was too late and then I wanted to board - in fact I didn't know what I wanted, I was really pretty confused about it all. I'm not saying your daughter would be like that, but one thing tends to lead to another with such careers and you are likely to need to commit to it more than just that first trainee year...

And what about holidays? We had nannies and then au pairs as we got older.

When I was 15 and my sister 17, on mother's day, I distinctly remember my mother saying "my girls, where on earth did your childhood go?". At the time I thought "you're the one who wasted it" - now as an adult I can see it differently but my mother and I will never be close, all as a result of her career choice.

I know it is anti-feminism and hardly modern thinking. But I genuinely believe women can't have it all. It rarely works like that. If you give more in one area something else has to give. I wish it was different but sadly I don't see how it ever can be. And I think that anyone embarking on a career-change that will seriously impact the family life needs to really think about how you will handle that better than my parents ever did. Who will go to her plays? To her concerts? To her sports day? Who will rush to pick her up when she's ill? Who will talk to her when her friends are picking on her? Ask yourself these questions, and ask if your relationship with her can survive through her not seeing you apart from weekends, and if you still feel it is the right thing to do then you will know you have seriously thought about it and about how you will manage it and compensate for it.

I don't wish to be negative, just to put a different perspective...

Hi Libras-am scared of boarding schools .

I hated mine as found it was a breeding ground for bullies, but apparently in the lower school it wasn't as bad. I am scared that if dd was having a hard time I would have to leave her there anyway for the rest of the year, whereas with a nanny I could change the nanny IYSWIM.

How do you make sure you get the right one? My mum was convinced mine was the right one, and wouldn't listen to my protestations (I think it may be the substantial scholarships that swayed her into this though! ). Although I agree she would enjoy staying with her peers as opposed to being at home, although she could have playdates if we had a nanny (something she doesn't get to do that much at the mo).

Excellent post Weegle. Sometimes though we hvae to make hard career choices for hte benefit of our kids. It's a really hard call and because a single parent even harder for her still. OP - are yuo a trainee barrister? If so why not opt to be trainee solicitor instead?> Much better high st hours.

What is the job, paws, do you mind saying?

Yes, i was wondering if it was pupil barristering - a lot of potential for weekend work...

Absolutely and I don't wish to therefore dismiss the issue for the OP - just to highlight what she needs to think about and how to alleviate them and deal with them before they become problems.

My mother pursued her career for our "benefit". Call me ungrateful but I would rather have had a mother I could depend on to be there when I needed her rather than the one week of skiing, or the trip to India or whatever was the 4 weeks out of 52 that I saw her. It's not right that it's all or nothing. It's not right that the OP should have to make this choice - she should be able to pursue her chosen career without sacrificing her child's time with her, but our society isn't like that and so unfortunately the reality is the OP needs to ask herself the questions I have listed, in the context of knowing the personality of her daughter, and then hopefully she'll make the right choice all round...

Weegle-I know exactly where you are coming from and I am afraid of this too. I had this with my mum, but she got the balance slightly better than your mum I think (sorry if that sounds mean), and although she refused to listen to any of the problems I had with the school, which bred much resentment, she did come to concerts, sports days etc, and was always on the end of the phone if I needed her. I went through it and can remember the bits I really needed from her, so will hopefully keep those in mind when going through it with dd.

If it got to the point where this horrid year ended and they were not letting me go home and work from there, then I would turn round and ask to go into high street practice.

Dd has been there for me when I needed her, so I need to do the same for her, and will not let this stop me being her mum. However, I do need to try and get the balance, and if I don't then I have the qualification, and hopefully may be able to try again once she is at uni, as I will still only be mid thirties, so it isn't my be-all-and-end all.

Look paws - i speak as both a lawyer and mum of 5 - whatever choice yo umake will be tough for your dd as your hours are very long and don't leave enough time to nurture here properly - you acept that as a given. Assuming family aren't around either to pick up some peices for you you have 2 choices- boarding school or nanny. I think bs is too harsh a choice and sh eis much too young. As you said nanny you can always change and at least she's in her own home with you in it too even if you're not there much she knows you are in theory just a bedroom away.

but - I would revist career choice too - what else similar is there?>

Whilst it's great that you are planning ahead I think you need to wait a little while and see how your daughter develops in the next 3 years.

From another point of view I was in fulltime boarding school at 10, my parents live abroad for the first couple of years and they weren't able to attend sports days, concerts etc and I didn't always see both of them at half-term, plus this was way before the days of email and mobile phones and I talked to my parents once a week for 5 minutes on the phone. However I realised that was my fathers job and that my fathers job meant we could afford nice holidays etc and that my parents loved me very much and they sent me to boarding school because they thought it was the best option available at the time.
I am VERY close to my mother now. Plus you are setting your daughter a wonderful example by trying to pursue to career that will provide you both with financial stability in the years to come.

Paws - that's great that your mum got the balance better, and hopefully that will stand you in good stead. I think it's appalling that women find themself in this situation, whereas a man is less likely to, but hopefully if you look at it from all angles and think through various scenarios e.g. you're in court and your daughter cracks her head open (this actually happened to me), who will rush to be with her? Do you have supportive parents who could fill the void? etc etc...