What would you do in this childcare situation? Nanny or boarding school?

[Pawslikepaddington]

In three years (miles away, I know, but I'm already worrying!) I will have an 8 y/o dd. I am a single parent and I can't see that changing. For one year, I will be working 8am until 10pm almost every weekday, and so don't know what would be best.

My hours after that year will be bad, but I can bring work home, so will not be stuck in the office, so am more likely to be able to pick dd up from school and drop her off etc.

I went to a boarding school at 11, and those that boarded from 8 loved going (she would be a weekly boarder), but to me 11 seems too young, let alone 8. But on the plus side she would be able to stay on at the school then as a day pupil once this awful year was over.

Dd will have to move schools that year anyway, as we have to move out of the area we are in at the moment (she is in state at the moment, and will stay in state if we get a nanny).

A nanny seems like a much better option for me, but would they be ok with these kind of hours? They seem very long! And we would be talking a lot of money wouldn't we, as I would have to leave the house at 6.30/7am each morning, so the nanny would have to be there from 6.30am until 10pm.

This is worst case scenario hours-wise, but sadly it also looks like it will be the most likely one. I know this is a dreadful situation to put dd in, but it is for the best, or I would not be doing it. I feel dreadful about it already.

Paws, typical nanny hours may be 8am-6pm, but loads of people need odd hours! One of my first jobs was for a single mum who worked in the airline industry and so both our hours were all over the place! One week she might be home for 3 consequtive days, then away for 12 hours, back for 30 hours, away for 4 days etc. No two weeks were the same, but we all coped.

I also worked for someone in TV, so wouldn't start work til about 3pm, and then work til 8pm, 10pm, 7am the next day depending on her schedule. Not everyone works 9-5, and if they do work odd hours then nannies are often the only option they have.

Athena, it sounds a lot when put like that but isn't really-lots of wine and coffee is involved, and the house is never tidy . And I don't have to get horrid marks out of dh's underwear, spend time worrying about whether dh still loves me/if I'm doing enough, and have no one to tell me to go to bed/work harder/not to sleep in dd's bed! From my observances it is much easier than having a dh around, and not having a family means I spend less time on the phone=more time to study and spend with dd (cough, and on mn, cough)!

Well said Athene - isn't kitty a SAHM with a DH and au pair for support? Easy to judge

Hurrah tankie, other people have weirdo jobs and kiddies, hurrah!!! Right, must work, MUST work, must must must must must! (Bet I am back on here in an hour!)

Hurrah tankie, other people have weirdo jobs and kiddies, hurrah!!! Right, must work, MUST work, must must must must must! (Bet I am back on here in an hour!)

Thanks for the explanation paws I can see how your situation is hard and that is must be very hard for you to leave your dd.

Tankie, yes I am. I could work but I prefer to be at home with my kids. if I HAD to work that would be different.

You are spiteful tankie, it shines through, you need to do something about that, really you do

Oh don't worry about kitty-I have had much worse than that said to me, by dd's father alone! "Shame on you" being one of them actually! If I was a SAHM (which was another thing I really wanted to be, but wasn't any good at as I couldn't come up with enough stimulating activities!) I wouldn't understand anyone wanting to leave their dd for long periods either.

Want is the wrong word there, sorry, I should have said have, but it equates to the same thing, as you wouldn't leave your dd unless you wanted to, as no one is forcing me to do it at gunpoint.

I don't find you spiteful tankie-I really am going to leave now!

Paws - you are doing a great job - keep it up! In 10 yrs time when you have a teenager needing money money money and of course love and support you will be a high flying solicitor ( not barrister as you will have listened to MN and me! ) and will be able to affordr to give dd what she needs and also to treat yourself ( single parentdom is bloody hard work) and to save nest egg for dd for uni or for your retirement or whatever. Ignore the detractors - in this day and age yo uneed a decent salary and , short of Mr Darcy it is not going to land in your lap.

The trick of course is to balance everything right which is why I am pushing you so strongly towards being a solicitor not going to the bar . Mumof2boys' advice is very good too. In house is generally a lot more relaxed and open to you as an option once you've got about 2 yrs PQE under your belt.

I am struggling to see how the financial side of this stacks up.

You will need to pay £30k a year from your taxed income to the nanny. Additionally you will pay for a season ticket Cambridge to London at £5k. Surely you need to be earning £50k per annum just to cover these costs, before you factor in your housing costs, food, running a car, clothes, holidays etc. So even if you earn £70k you will be struggling along rather than living comfortably and saving for the future.

You would be able to get a solicitor job in Cambridge that paid over £30k and just use a childminder or after school clubs, surely?

I will have been saving for 8 years to pay the one year of nanny's fees . Bad I know, but if it opens doors and all that. But it is a valid question Pod, and I'm only sounding out possibilities at the mo. And the £30k nanny is just for one year, not every year, after that it should be £50 a week for A-S club or CM.

Well one year could be worth it for a big investment in your future...but...
I know a barrister couple who live in Cambridge with 2 school age boys. They have a fab house in a great road with an indoor pool etc, 2 nannies, a cleaner and a gardener and do not normally see their children except at weekends. So if you become a barrister will it really be just the one year like this?

Paws can I just ask what you mean by "sadly we get sent to magic circle firms or the bar, so no chance of high street hours."?

I've been through the Oxbridge law system as a student and academic so I know that there is (a) a lot of peer pressure to go to the best places and (b) a huge amount of information and sucking up from the top places. That doesn't constrain your own choices though. I know of people who've gone to great provincial firms/chambers and done very well from Oxbridge with much less stress and shorter hours (although of course they still work hard). OF course the financial rewards tend to be lower but you can also live more cheaply than living in/commuting to London with the increased housing, childcare and commuting costs. The word 'sent' suggests you've got no choice so perhaps you mean something more than this but ordinarily I don't think your options are limited in the way you suggest so I would give serious thought to your broader options and perhaps discuss it with a sympathetic tutor/director of studies/careers officer.

Have you asked your dd about it? i know she is very young now, but perhaps as she gets a little older (you still have 3 yrs did you say?) and perhaps look at some schools with her and make sure she knows why you are doing it and let her have some part in the decision making. I think that way, she will feel a little more in control iyswim. It must be very hard for you, good luck x

BTW just rereading my post, I don't mean to suggest that you shouldn't have ambitions to go to Magic Circle/Bar so not passing any judgment on that if it is the case. It's just that you say 'sadly' so I assume that you are not entirely happy with this option. I know a lot of students feel that they are underselling themselves if they don't aim for the top. I don't think you should feel constrained by those pressures. Certainly friends of mine who went to smaller firms got more responsibility more quickly and had better hours than the cannon fodder at my large firm.

Paws, I get where you are coming from. If you get good experience early in your career you will be able to be more flexible if/when she gets needy and awkward in her teen years, because you will have probably been promoted in the meantime, and be bringing in good dosh.

It sounds like a live-in nanny is the thing for you, otherwise you will have school holiday problems, even using clubs. That way she effectively has a mother substitute while you are off hunting mammoths for you both.

Sharing the nanny with another family with school-aged kids might mean she gets a bit of teatime company similar to a kind of sibling substitute.

Also you need to make your decision and get away from the guilt, or you won't have energy left for work or dd.

PS Paws I am in Cambridge, was a single mum once, and used to be a DOS so if you want to use me as a sounding board over coffee or whatever I am at boffinmum at hotmail dot co dot uk.

He he Boffin-I love the "hunting mammoths" analogy-will keep that in mind when I feel fed up! I will drop you an email later just to say hi if that is ok? Then at least we have one other mummy in Cambridge that we can contact-always a useful thing!

I think a nanny is the best route, as dd already has enough uncertainty in her life with her dad seeing her occasionally and then not for ages (which I should really stop, but from my experience even seeing my dad rarely was better than nothing), no grandparents in her life etc, so am worried she will feel totally cut off if "sent away" to school. I also feel like I should start high and climb down if needs be, as it will be much harder the other way round, and I will know that I am in a small practice because I want to be, not because I have to be.

Thank you all for your advice-I feel MUCH more at ease with my conscience now, which will save me a lot in stress exhaustion!!

Paws, great respect to you for doing what you are doing, you sound like an admirable person and Mum

I haven't read every reply but a live-in nanny is the thing for you, far more reassuring than boarding school which would still have long holidays.

Of course your nanny will take your dd to the aquarium etc if you ask. You're the boss and any good nanny should enjoy such an outing.

oh sorry Boffin, just read my post back and it sounds like I was wanting to contact you for childcare or something . I meant in a "what is on at the Fitz at the mo?" "Oooh it is a good exhibition for 14 year old boys but not 5 year old girls, but the zoology department are doing something about pink fluffy dinosaurs" "great-let me know if you fancy a coffee afterwards" "ok" kind of way, sorry! .

Thanks Juju-think I would get too jealous and flounce out of work to join them anyway! We are quite a lazy laid back household, so wouldn't be expecting the nanny to make macrobiotic meals and take them along in containers, but at the same time dd would destroy the house if inside all day .

Paws, I assumed that's what you meant. Stop being paranoid, woman!

It's the coffee-I can't help it!

Hey Paws. Off topic: are things back on track work-wise? You ok?