God, my au pair/mother's help just kicked my 5 year old!

[kittywise]

Obviously I've told her she has to leave today. I'm so pissed off . Just needed to vent

Juuule, the baby gives me no quarter I'm afraid. Yes it takes a fast worker to do the house in 2-3 hours, there is a hell of a lot of work to do. There are a lot of rooms, etc etc etc. When i say clean I do not in anyway mean pristine shoe house, I mean just about bearable.

I have spent time without help and it has been hell on eath all the relationships within the household have suffered and Ive been so exhausted as to become clincally depressed and I do not want to go down that route again.
Dp is self employed and works very long hours so if I have no home help I'm completely without help as far as the house is concerned and the care of the children within the house, eg bathtime, bedtime, dinner

marmaduke, thanks, that's exactly how it is

SHOW not SHOE (like the old woman who lived in one

2-3hours..a day..for bearable? Your house must be ENOORMOUS - not just big

Sorry to hear you find it all so difficult to deal with.

I really just don't "get it" on the ap front.
Well, I could maybe see how getting a cleaner for such a huge house might be a good idea.

Juule, to help you 'get it' I'll explain why I have one... My DH runs his own international business, he never works less than 60 hours per week - plus commute to London. He works abroad 3 out of every 6 weeks - often away for 12-14 days, home for 2-3 and off again.

I only have 2 DC but my DS (4) has Severe SN (inc CP, metabolic disorder, health problems - heart valve, arterial tortuosity etc) so he has to have physio everyday and is quite physically and emotionally demanding - he has an 80% chance of having a brain bleed before adulthood due to a rare artery condidtion. So I may not have 6 DC, but DS = at least 2 DC!!

For me an AP means I can spend some quality time with each of my children, but mostly so I can give my DD (9) some proper one to one attention whilst DS is being cared for and kept safe. It stops her feeling so resentful and sad.

It also means an extra pair of hands at bath/bed/brakfast which improves my quality of life no-end and stops me feeling so resentful (towards my meglomaniac DH) and sad.

And, TBH if you could get a friendly, lovely young girl to play brilliantly with your DC, help you load the dishwasher and fold all the clean laundry, wouldn't you?

Yes what marmaduke said AND I am interested in having an aupair/helper so that I can have some time off from the kids as well, not out of the house necessarily but just say in my room for half an hour to relax, have bath, go for a run, me tie which I don't get at all otherwise.

Ohh, yes I forgot lovely looong baths, reading books, peace and quiet...

I've not had an AP since August. DS has been ill ALOT, I got exhausted and ended up with a chest infection which was so bad I cracked a rib and had a bulging disc in my back just through coughing!

I will be employing another to keep me sane after Christmas.

Marmaduke - I don't have a child with sn so really feel I cannot comment on your needing an ap.

I was attempting to make what I hoped might be helpful suggestions to Kitty as I too, have a few children and thought there might be some similarities in our situations.

And in answer to your final question - no, I have never felt the need to bring a stranger (how it would feel to me) into our home. Fortunately, one of the bonuses of having a few children is that as they grow they can become the lovely/friendly young person who plays willingly with the younger children. Though granted they are not always willing to load the dishwasher etc

juuule, I hope you did not feel i was dismissive of your ideas. You are the uber mama you know!!!

I think if mine were a little older it would be easier but the older children cannot reliably care for the younger ones although they do help.

A good example this evening. I'm doing some laundry and ironing. ds3(20 months) comes down and helpfully starts pulling all the ironed clothes out of the baskets ( all children and adults have their own basket of ironed/clean clothes which when full gets taken to their room). So now I cannot continue working the laundry and i have to re sort all the clothes.
This happens all the time in whatever i am doing. He does not sleep during the day, never has, only very occasionally, so I cannot rely on nap time to get some jobs done or take a break. There is no break..

If he's not screaming and crying he's being "helpful" or wrecking the place.

As I type he has pushed a chair over to the bread board and has climbed on a work surface and is taking chunks out of a loaf of bread, better go then hadn't I?

Anyone want him?

"You are the uber mama you know!!!"

Lol - I wish

For ironing, I take the things out of one basket, iron it and put it in one pile for taking upstairs out of the little ones way. Then I sort it when I get a chance into piles for putting away.
Could you give him his own basket of spare clothes to sort while you are doing yours?

Don't your older children play with the little ones? Can they organise any little games while you do something for half an hour?

"Anyone want him?"

Now you know you don't really mean that?

Oh God Kitty sounds very stressful trying to get everything done. My 16 month old ds is like your DS3 but thank God he is an only for now. I get bugger all done without him tantrumming and wanting to 'help' and I only have a relatively small 3 bed house to look after. Hope the cleaner/ aupair works out. Good luck, Juuule I dunno how you do it but I'm guessing your children are older? I wish I could be as organised!

Granted, my youngest is 5yo now.
But they've all been a lot younger at some point

I also don't consider myself particularly organised. I've had stressful times, still do. I just think for me, throwing someone else into the equation (ap, etc) would just add to the stress.

Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.

Yeah never thought of it like that! Have they got a big age gap between them all or are they all relatively close in age? Kitty is right, you really are the uber mum!

Hi Kittywise! I sympathise. My AP has just jacked - going home 8 days before Xmas, just when we actually need a babysitter (she's babysat 4 times in the 3 months she's been here). I'm a teacher, with 4 DSs, one with SN, so now my Christmas "holiday" will consist of cleaning, washing, ironing, tidying plus all the usual cooking, wrapping/buying presents, decorating the house, marking coursework, planning lessons and fun time with the kids. Good luck with the new arrangements. I wonder if MNers who glibly say "get a nanny" have ever thought how difficult it is to get a nanny with even 3 DCs, never mind more.

I am also very good at speaking before thinking and having to apologise afterwards.

Kittywise, can you please answer tankie's post? 18:00:54.
Thank you

I'm white British and I used to do some domestic cleaning. And I was brilliant, everyone loved me and begged me to stay when I left and said I was a "treasure" . Just wanted to make that point to all the people that said white British cleaners were crap.

i can't get over being a sahm and paying someone else to do the childcare - whilst your there.

My goodness!!

I really can't be bothered to read all the way through this thread because it is such a bore! There seem to be a great deal of people on here with bees in their bonnets!! Have NONE of you ever come out with something, and then later realised how wrong it sounded, and that actually you meant to say XYZ?!

Kittywise, I am really sorry you have had such a bad day. If it helps my 5yo DD is an angel, but will kick out when pushed to it. For your 5yo to kick s/he must have felt very threatened. I hope this experience has no lasting effect on your family and I hope tomorrow will be easier for you.

And is it really any of our business how Kitty runs her household? Surely it is not for comment...?

Custardo, if you had a nice big house, wads of money and 6 children would you be tempted to pay for a nanny?

i think there are definately cultural expectations in appointing nannies and au pairs etc.

I have always appointed slovakian and czech nannies as I find their way of life and upbringing very similar to mine and to the way I bringupmy kids now. that#s not racist - it~s a simple fact from 12 years of employing nannies.

Ih ave friends who will only have phillipino nannies. these ladies tend to have worked in teh gulf states a lot and have also been trained in a certain way and are very deferential.etc/

doesn't suit me -I prefer gumption but its not true to say culture doesn't have a part to play in how nanny or ap will parent your child in your absence. Not colour though or religion - wish to be expressly clear onthat.

Of course culture is an important part of how someone behaves, but culture is much more than the colour of your skin or the country you come from. Personally I think the comment about British cleaners is as offensive as the comment about black people, because both are utterly unjustified. That it came at the end of what must have been a horrible day is no excuse, because it is at times when we are angry or upset that our true prejudices come out. That's not to say we don't all have them, of one sort or another, but it is important to recognize them, identify what it is that makes you uncomfortable, think about whether that is actually reasonable and try to move on. Otherwise you are dismissing huge chunks of the population for little or no reason. I have had nannies, but chosen against the live in route, because it is very intrusive. But then having someone who is helping you everyday has to be fairly intrusive too.

I really think employing an agency to come and clean your house (my mother has two people do a blitz once a week, and that seems to work very well) might be a better approach for you.

I also think you should reconsider having an aupair. Having someone come and live in your house, and effectively become part of your family who you have never met it surely a very high risk strategy. Of course this one was beyond the pale, with the kicking, and you were obviously not happy before that in any case. Why not look for a local mother's help or nanny? Then you can interview them in advance, with no need for sweeping generalisations, and much lower risk.

Well Lily it would depend. If it were a normal job then I would just think that they weren't suited to each other and i was the company's loss. if any of my daughters were going to work and LIVE in a family home and were turned down on the grounds that weren't culturally suitable then in would say that that was fair enough, everyone is different, has different needs.

if you live in someone's home and are entrusted with the care of their kids then the match has to be right.

As I said Every English person I have ever employed has been very disappointing EVERY foreign person has been great. I am now going on my experience and will not even interview an English applicant.

My experience of 10 years of employing people has shown EVERY SINGLE TIME that English person was as good as useless and I've always kicked myself for giving them "another chance".

morning kitty - I currently have the best ever cleaner who is english but the one before that was the worst and she was English as well.

For the past 5 years I have had APs but haven't had one since the beginning of the year when she did a moonlight flit on me. The 2 before that were dreadful so 3 in 3 months like you.

My dh works 60 hours a week but doesn't earn much so I am the major breadwinner and have to work. With 3 kids and no AP I do wonder how I manage along with a 3 hour commute every day. And this "me" time happens once a month when dh gets Saturday off.

But I do cope and am loving having the house to myself. I give dd1 (10) £1 everytime she empties the dishwasher (queue slave labour attack!), I give £1 to dd2 (7) everytime she tidied ds (2) bedroom. But my standards have dropped - forget about ironing, hoovering, as long as it's tidy before I leave for work them I am happy.

My df has 6 Lo's and works 6 hours a day without a cleaner ap and I can really relate to the amount of extra washing housework cooking etc - 3 is bad enough .

Hi Kitty
can't be bothered to read the whole thing, but i wish you luck in sorting out your childcare woes. I can't believe how quickly the thread turned into something very unpleasant and how judgemental others have been. We all have said things in the past that was probably not phrased in the best way - we don't need to get crucified for that, esp. when you've had a bad day.

Am also sorry how it then all became judgemental about how you lead your life - we all do the best we can for our families for our individual circumstances. If you had a cook, cleaner, driver, and a nanny - rest assured, some parents (like myself) would not immediately jump to the conclusion that you are not raising your children yourself or raising them properly. As i said, different strokes for different folks, no one is in the right to say their way is better than the other.

Best of luck, i hope you are able to get the best combo of help so you achieve the quality of life for you and the kids that you want