Nursery settling not going well

[littlebopeep1991]

my little boy has been trying to settle at nursery for three weeks now and it’s not going well. he’s been doing 2 or 3 sessions every week. There’s been very slight improvement but hardly. He gets so upset he’s made himself sick, had nose bleeds, lost his voice twice from crying so much. He has had the odd 5 minutes without crying whilst there.
He is 13.5 months. All the nursery have said is some family’s pull them out and others carry on and they do eventually settle but it’s not often they’re as upset as he has been. Has anyone experienced a little one be this upset as this and what the outcome was with childcare? Not sure if we should try him in a childminder, keep going or look if we can afford an alternative solution.

Find something else.

He will eventually stop crying because he will realise that there is no point, not because he's happy there.

You make nursery a big deal. Talk it up and you persevere with it
He will settle, you just don’t over react to the initial difficulties

He does sound particularly upset bless him.

What is he usually like when you leave him? What have you done to prepare him for nursery? Is he better when dad drops him off? What sort of personality is he?

How long are the sessions?

Are the sessions all day?

That’s a bit extreme! Maybe a child minder would be a better setting? The thing is, the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

we have settled into the routine of dad dropping him off because I found it really hard seeing how upset he was an know how important it is for him to not see me be worried about nursery. Prior to trying nursery he would take a few minutes to warm to people but would very quick let me pass him to people, I genuinely had no concerns that he would have an issue at nursery because of this. He is now so so upset if I walk away from him a few metres. I’ve tried leaving him in a room with my best friend who he has seen at least three trimes a week since he was born and absolutely loves. Prior to nursery he would be oblivious to me being around, since nursery he won’t let me out of his sight or leave my side. It’s heartbreaking to see, it’s really unsettled him I feel so cruel

As in the longer we keep him going there?

We started off with hour sessions, a couple have been slightly shorter because he just wastes calming down and threw up and they felt it wasn’t in his interest to stay. More recently they have been full mornings just under 4 hours

We were in the exact same situation back in March- it was horrendous!

we were only in for 2 x full days Thursday/Friday but were always picking up before lunch time….. nursery pretty much gave us til Easter before they were probably going to give us notice as she would just not settle!

Nursey let us plot one of our full days into 2 x mornings so she went Monday, Thursday morning and Friday was meant to be full day but never was…. We persevered for an arbitrary 5 weeks as that’s what my DH had read it could take (it was soooo hard I was in bits) but by week 4.5 she just decided she was fine it was bizarre!

She absolutely loves it now still have a few wobbles going in but she has a blast!

We were ok as DH is retraining so could be about to collect but if we’d both been working I’m not sure what we would have done! Everyone said pull her out and find somewhere new but there was zero childminders around with space and we weren’t going to just up sticks to a different nursery where we’d probabaly have the same issue!

Oh and nursery manager said they’d only had one child as upset as ours and he was pulled out and went back for preschool!!

4 hours of screaming? That's not good at all for him. His cortisol levels would be sky high.

Once their use to it, they will love it. We had to do some trial sessions, then eventually was leaving her for longer.

I remember one day being told to wait around the corner, she was upset to say bye, once I went round the corner she was happily playing.

It just takes persistence. If after a while, they’re not getting better, maybe explore a different setting.

This gives me a bit of hope! The staff in the room basically just said have we got family that could take him which I know they mean well but isn’t helpful!

Yes exactly, hence not leaving him the full days he’s actually meant to be there, absolutely breaks me

I had this with my child. I pulled her after about 3 days as I'd never seen her so upset (and never have done since).

She developed an aversion to the travel cot that she'd always been fine with before. I found out they put her in there and left her to cry. It took about 2 months to stop her being really clingy with me. She was also 13 months at the time.

We found a childminder and no problems settling there at all or at the next childminder's when the original one went on maternity leave.

Not helpful no but when they have settled dozens of children they have experience.

I had this last year, it took about 4 months before the screaning stopped completely and a year later he still doesnt sleep independently and he's 2yo now. It's very hard work for me as a cm because I have others to care for too.

Oh your poor little one that sounds so horrible. My best friends two children are both at the nursery, and one of them is in the same class and is very happy there so I’m hoping it’s generally ok but perhaps the setting is too big for him

To be honest if it was just me I would of pulled her out when we had that meeting but it was DH who stood firm and said to keep trying! And magically one day it must just clicked….. one morning they took a bit longer to open the door and she was banging on it to be let in- I also cried buckets that morning too!

I was in bits literally was going to give up my very new and very part time job, thought our little one had something wrong with her all sorts- frankly was the hardest part of this rollercoaster we’ve been on since we had her!

I couldn’t hack nursery settling with my eldest. I was called to collect her when she had a settling in session because she had cried so much she had a nose bleed. We changed to a childminder and it was a lot better. Both of mine have been fine starting preschool at 3 (with some occasional tears at drop off but nothing like the awful settling in sessions age 1). Mine are both sensitive, sensible children and still dislike chaos but they’re ok with school.

4 months 😯 thats really concerning. Ever so worried that’s what my little boy is going to be like

In fairness its been 3 week
Hes stressed you are stressed
You need to big up nursery as a positive. Treats for going in, routine fave toy, star chart reward for attending
Conceal your misgivings, He will detect if you are ambivalent

How will a cm be any different?

How many settling in sessions did he have with you there? Prior to starting nursery had he been left with anyone before, or spent all his time with you (or his dad)?

Can you go back to basics and start settling him with you staying? He needs to know his key worker, and form the beginnings of a bond with them, he’s not going to settle if his key worker is still a total stranger to him. Just because you know he’s safe etc, doesn’t mean he understands that. A few sessions where you stay, get him playing, with you and his key worker, and gradually get him used to the environment, will reduce his reaction to being there. When you do start to leave him don’t sneak away when he’s not looking, or allow staff to peel him from your arms as he cries, that will make him more fearful and insecure, he needs to know that you are going, but that he’s safe, and that you are going to come back.

It’s quite different. There are a handful of children instead of lots of them.

Oh And ours never had a comforter or anything but we let her take a toy in which might or might not of helped but she doesn’t take it anywhere else and now she only uses it for her nap there!!