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Original poster

The ex allowed stayover without telling me

157 replies

ece123 · 20/01/2024 22:50

DD (7) was supposed to stay at her father tonight. Her father took DD and her friend out and when he was dropping off her friend, the famiky invited DD for a stayover. And the ex couldn’t say “no”.

I am sensetive about sleep overs and ex partner is aware of this. When same girl had a stayover party I did not allow DD to stay and collected DD at 10pm. When she was invited again by the same family we discussed with my ex and I only agreed if DD had a sim card and was able to reach us whenever she wanted. So we bought her a smart watch at that time and agreed for that stayover.

Tonight was not discussed in advance and it is out of blue and DD does not have her smart watch with her either so she is unable to reach if she want to.

Sleepovers were very rarely allowed in my family and only when we were at an older age. My sister is psychologist and she is also againts sleepovers due to personal and occupational reasons. I am not comfortable about it especially with families we don’t really know.

I am really upset that the ex allowed this without asking me. He was not even going to inform me if I did’t want to call and talk to DD.

I insisted to agree on having an agreement on any future stay overs and he is not even properly agreeing on this (sent a thumbs up emoji). I told him this is very very important to me and I need a clear statement feom him not an emoji. I am thinking about getting a legal advice on this but I wanted to hear what other mums are thinking. He is saying that when DD is “staying” with him I do not have a say on what they can do and they cannot do.

We do not know the family well. They came to DD’s school last year and the girls are good friends but that is about it. Ex husband told me to go and get her if I want to. I am not going to do that as it will be very awkard but certainly I am uncomfortable.

Separated parents should agree on if kids are staying with other people. No? I would have never allowed DD without asking him even with my friends who I know for ages.

OP posts:
Scutterbug · 20/01/2024 22:54

Well yes I guess you should agree on situations regarding sleepovers but what worries you so much? She will probably have a lovely time and presumably her parents have your exes number if they need to contact somebody? I’m probably going to be in the minority but I think sleepovers encourage independence.

Divebar2021 · 20/01/2024 22:54

Well I think perhaps you get to control what happens when she’s with you and he gets to control what happens when she’s with him. I’d be disappointed that she wasn’t spending time with her DH but presumably she was keen for the sleepover.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/01/2024 22:54

If he has parental responsibility then I think on his nights he is reasonable to make decisions regarding play dates/ sleepovers etc. If you are separated then you can’t expect to make all decisions jointly, you are entitled not to like sleepovers but he clearly doesn’t have a problem with them and he has equal parenting rights to you. Why should your opinion that she shouldn’t go on sleepovers override his opinion that she should be allowed? Your opinion doesn’t trump his, therefore it makes sense for you to make the parenting decisions when she is with you and him to make the decisions when she is with him.

jannier · 20/01/2024 23:02

Are you expecting him to get your permission for everything he lets your child do? Do you run everything by him?
I think you're unreasonable he's a parent too and should be able to make choices about his daughter's activities in his time.....you can expect all time to be 100% with the parent who's turn it is that stifles your child's social life and is more about parents needs than the child's.

Original poster
ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:03

We do not know the family at all. Is it normal to leave your child all night with a family that you know so little about. He didn’t even know how many children does this family have.

OP posts:
jannier · 20/01/2024 23:04

I'd not be happy with a child visiting my home with a smart watch or hidden recording/camera device. Need a phone ask me

puffylovett1 · 20/01/2024 23:07

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, yes. My kids often had sleepovers when they were young with school friends where we barely knew the family, we just made sure we had each others numbers. It sounds like her other parent is perfectly happy about the situation.

WandaWonder · 20/01/2024 23:09

You sound like you have serious issues you need to address and no you can't control what each other does in your own time

Clearinguptheclutter · 20/01/2024 23:10

I’m allright about sleepovers generally but only when I know the family reasonably well.
i’d be annoyed in this situation and say to ex that I would want to know in the future if any sleepover was planned. But i don't think you can veto as long as dd is happy

DivorcedAndDelighted · 20/01/2024 23:14

ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:03

We do not know the family at all. Is it normal to leave your child all night with a family that you know so little about. He didn’t even know how many children does this family have.

The issue is not whether it is "normal" to let a 7 year old do a sleepover with a family you don't know well. The issue is, does your ExH need your agreement for this? No, he doesn't. On his parenting time it's his decision, and on your parenting time, it's yours. You do not have the right to veto this, or when he introduces her to his girlfriend, or anything like that.

As to whether it's "normal" to allow such a sleepover with a family you don't know well - it's common, certainly. Different parents have different views. Presumably you'd have to go to court to try to stop him allowing this, and I'd be surprised if they'd agree as it's so common.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/01/2024 23:15

I thought the whole point of father having child overnight was for the child to see father and for him to see child.

Not to send the child off elsewhere !

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 20/01/2024 23:16

Don't waste your money on legal advice. Unless you can unequivocally prove that he is unfit and abusive and as a result can not have unsupervised access then as a parent he has the right to entrust care to who he wishes during his time.

You can't force him to agree to your demands. You have your views. He has his. And as you're no longer together he doesn't have to agree or comply with you.

So you can not allow sleepovers during your time. But he can during his.

Original poster
ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:16

Exactly! If he is gonna leave her people we don’t know I am perfectly happy to take her.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 20/01/2024 23:18

I wouldn't be happy about my young child staying over in a house with near strangers, OP.

The biggest risk factor in sexual abuse of children is the 'friendly neighbour/uncle/coach' gaining access to your child.

SoupDragon · 20/01/2024 23:22

ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:03

We do not know the family at all. Is it normal to leave your child all night with a family that you know so little about. He didn’t even know how many children does this family have.

Well, you left her with people you don't know, the same people. You said it in your OP.

Original poster
ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:22

That is obviously my concern too.

I personally think this is exposing DD to unnecessary risk.

As I said my sister is a clinical psychologist for over 20 years and she is against stayovers for exactly the same reasons.

OP posts:
NoisyDachshunddd · 20/01/2024 23:23

If you had specific and well founded worries about this particular family that'd be one thing. Otherwise, no, you’re being over the top. His time, his decisions.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 20/01/2024 23:25

ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:22

That is obviously my concern too.

I personally think this is exposing DD to unnecessary risk.

As I said my sister is a clinical psychologist for over 20 years and she is against stayovers for exactly the same reasons.

And that's fine for you and your choices.

But sleepovers are not illegal. And no judge is going to prohibite them when he has a father who can br trusted with his child's welfare.

Her father, unless proven, will be trusted with safety and decision making.

BarbieDangerous · 20/01/2024 23:29

ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:03

We do not know the family at all. Is it normal to leave your child all night with a family that you know so little about. He didn’t even know how many children does this family have.

This is Mumsnet. People will tell you that you should leave your child with any Tom, Dick and Harry and allow sleepovers just for the sake of it. In the real world where I’m from, it’s a big no no.

The issue is communication between her dad and yourself. Values aren’t the same as he sees it as no big deal and you view it as something that needs to be discussed in advance. You can’t force him to run things like this by you but I really wouldn’t be happy with that.

People love to comment ‘you sound controlling/you have issues’ but most people are very naïve about the world we live in. None of my children will ever sleep at someone’s house that I don’t even know properly, even then it’s unlikely

HeddaGarbled · 20/01/2024 23:29

Why don’t you know the family? This is one of your daughter’s friends and she’s been invited for a sleepover on a previous occasion. You won’t get to know her friends’ families if you don’t try.

SavBlancTonight · 20/01/2024 23:30

While I am not precious a out sleepovers, I appreciate that you are. So in the ideal world you ans your ex woukd discuss and agree on this as a rule.

Having said that, he absolutely does not need to run everyone your dd spends time with past you. Do you check he's OK with you leaving her with your sister? When arranging a play date? At a party?

Amd thr thumbs up emoji is a pretty standard response when you know that the person you are talking to is going to kick off , no matter what you say.

supersonicginandtonic · 20/01/2024 23:34

I've studied psychology and am highly trained in childhood trauma, never been taught anything about a sleepover that a child wanted to go to 🙄

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 20/01/2024 23:36

ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:03

We do not know the family at all. Is it normal to leave your child all night with a family that you know so little about. He didn’t even know how many children does this family have.

Why does it matter how many children they have?

He doesn't need your permission to allow his DD to have a sleepover at her friends.

He's allowed to help her have a normal childhood.

Tonight wasn't 'discussed' because it was spontaneous fun.

I am not comfortable about it especially with families we don’t really know

so what effort have you made to get to know your daughters friends parents??

He is correct, he doesn't need your permission - he's her parent too.

Original poster
ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:37

We have pretty much had a good coparenting relation in the last three years. We keep each other up to date with photos and messages about DD’s day. And yes he always knows if DD is staying with my sister and he always has opportunity to raise concerns and I would respect his opinions.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 20/01/2024 23:37

What is our society turning into? Your answer to not knowing the parents of your daughter’s friends is to buy a 9 year old a smart watch rather than have a few chats with a fellow human being.