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Original poster

The ex allowed stayover without telling me

157 replies

ece123 · 20/01/2024 22:50

DD (7) was supposed to stay at her father tonight. Her father took DD and her friend out and when he was dropping off her friend, the famiky invited DD for a stayover. And the ex couldn’t say “no”.

I am sensetive about sleep overs and ex partner is aware of this. When same girl had a stayover party I did not allow DD to stay and collected DD at 10pm. When she was invited again by the same family we discussed with my ex and I only agreed if DD had a sim card and was able to reach us whenever she wanted. So we bought her a smart watch at that time and agreed for that stayover.

Tonight was not discussed in advance and it is out of blue and DD does not have her smart watch with her either so she is unable to reach if she want to.

Sleepovers were very rarely allowed in my family and only when we were at an older age. My sister is psychologist and she is also againts sleepovers due to personal and occupational reasons. I am not comfortable about it especially with families we don’t really know.

I am really upset that the ex allowed this without asking me. He was not even going to inform me if I did’t want to call and talk to DD.

I insisted to agree on having an agreement on any future stay overs and he is not even properly agreeing on this (sent a thumbs up emoji). I told him this is very very important to me and I need a clear statement feom him not an emoji. I am thinking about getting a legal advice on this but I wanted to hear what other mums are thinking. He is saying that when DD is “staying” with him I do not have a say on what they can do and they cannot do.

We do not know the family well. They came to DD’s school last year and the girls are good friends but that is about it. Ex husband told me to go and get her if I want to. I am not going to do that as it will be very awkard but certainly I am uncomfortable.

Separated parents should agree on if kids are staying with other people. No? I would have never allowed DD without asking him even with my friends who I know for ages.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 21/01/2024 03:09

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/01/2024 23:15

I thought the whole point of father having child overnight was for the child to see father and for him to see child.

Not to send the child off elsewhere !

So does that sauce also work for the goose?

PieAndLattes · 21/01/2024 03:18

So you’ve already allowed a sleepover with this family? You’re being absolutely ridiculous. Your ex is not beholden to you, doesn’t need to seek your permission, and can do what he wants on ‘his’ time in exactly the same way you can do what you want on ‘your’ time. Your DD is not yours more than she is his. Would you have phoned him and asked permission had it been on ‘your’ time?

WellThatEsculatedQuickly · 21/01/2024 03:23

You sound very controlling. Be careful because when your kid gets older, if you continue to behave like this, your kid will be asking to live with her father

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/01/2024 03:27

ece123 · 21/01/2024 02:58

hopefully she will be more independent and able to protect herself.

Show quote history

Yes. The fact she wants to have sleepovers suggests she is a confident and secure wee girl.

MySugarBabyLove · 21/01/2024 03:40

I thought the whole point of father having child overnight was for the child to see father and for him to see child.

Not to send the child off elsewhere !

no. The point of the father having the child overnight is because a child should have two parents.

funny how this only seems to be said when people want to control what the ex does with his child.

if you’re going to take that attitude then the same should apply to the mother, and children of separated parents should never be allowed to stay anywhere, as overnights are apparently about spending time with parents. Forget being allowed to be a child in their own right.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 03:42

PieAndLattes · 21/01/2024 03:18

So you’ve already allowed a sleepover with this family? You’re being absolutely ridiculous. Your ex is not beholden to you, doesn’t need to seek your permission, and can do what he wants on ‘his’ time in exactly the same way you can do what you want on ‘your’ time. Your DD is not yours more than she is his. Would you have phoned him and asked permission had it been on ‘your’ time?

Yes I would have asked him. We didn’t have “your time” vs “my time” approach until today. We discussed everything and thought we had a good co-parenting relation but maybe we are in “my time” vs “your time” zone now as DD getting older.

OP posts:
Divastrout · 21/01/2024 03:43

WellThatEsculatedQuickly · 21/01/2024 03:23

You sound very controlling. Be careful because when your kid gets older, if you continue to behave like this, your kid will be asking to live with her father

This

IWantOut29 · 21/01/2024 04:28

WellThatEsculatedQuickly · 21/01/2024 03:23

You sound very controlling. Be careful because when your kid gets older, if you continue to behave like this, your kid will be asking to live with her father

Give over. Controlling? Do you mean concerned???

Paedophiles are everywhere. And their generally not a pervy old man in a trench coat. Their articulate, charming, friendly and they work on their targets for MONTHS and you know who else they work on? The PARENTS aswell

Theres been stories in the press in the past about children staying at a friends and being murdered alongside the family because the dads lost the plot ect. Theres been times where the mother/daughter will invite a friend over because it's the only time the dad will leave the girl alone ect

What a horrible post you just wrote to the OP because she has some concerns about her young DD sleeping at a strangers house

Zonder · 21/01/2024 07:51

He doesn't know the family but you do. You have had dinner with them and coffee and DD has had multiple play dates and at least one sleepover previously that you agreed to.

I think you are clutching at straws here but the precedent is already set. It really looks like your issue is that he allowed it without asking you, even though you know the family better and have previously allowed it.

It comes over as you looking for a reason to exert your power to be honest. You don't get to make all the decisions, especially when he is only doing as you have previously done in this situation.

BarbieDangerous · 21/01/2024 07:52

SoupDragon · 20/01/2024 23:59

except the OP is OK with her DD sleeping over with this family. All her father has done is let her go to a sleepover at a house she's had a sleepover at before.

Show quote history

Tonight was not discussed in advance and it is out of blue and DD does not have her smart watch with her either so she is unable to reach if she want to.

OP’s DD was only allowed to sleepover the second time she was invited once OP made sure that DD had a way to contact her if needed. Her ex knew this. This wasn’t spoken about in advance and he didn’t even communicate with her to let her know. It’s not as simple as ‘well she’s been there before.’ He himself said that he didn’t feel as if he could say no to them

BarbieDangerous · 21/01/2024 07:53

ece123 · 21/01/2024 00:38

I am glad I am not alone. I do think sleepovers are fun but also expose children to risk as well. I think I made the mistake to allow her in the begining and now she is frequently invited.

Edited
Show quote history

You’re definitely not alone

Mischance · 21/01/2024 07:58

Well it is difficult - I am presuming that when your DD is with you you make decisions on her behalf without ringing your ex all the time. Maybe you need to have a mutual list of decisions that you are happy for the other to make without reference; and others where you would both like consultation.

olympicsrock · 21/01/2024 08:07

Whether or not to allow sleepovers is very much about what sort of a child you have , how secure the friendships are, who the parents are ( can they manage conflict between the kids , comfort your child etc) . Both my children had sleepovers at 7 , but dS2 is not really very comfortable with them and I would be pretty choosy now at 8 years old.
Have a chat with DH but at the end of the day he makes the decisions on his time.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 08:10

Zonder · 21/01/2024 07:51

He doesn't know the family but you do. You have had dinner with them and coffee and DD has had multiple play dates and at least one sleepover previously that you agreed to.

I think you are clutching at straws here but the precedent is already set. It really looks like your issue is that he allowed it without asking you, even though you know the family better and have previously allowed it.

It comes over as you looking for a reason to exert your power to be honest. You don't get to make all the decisions, especially when he is only doing as you have previously done in this situation.

No I don’t know the family well. I am regretting for allowing her to stay in the first place as the ex think it set a precedent but I am also angry that ex has ignored all the precedents on how we have made decisions in the past three years.

OP posts:
User69371527 · 21/01/2024 08:11

I understand that’s your point of view, but that’s his point of view and it’s a personally reasonable and normal one held by the majority of people.
its hard but we have to let our children go a little and experience life.
im just imagining how your poor dd would’ve felt getting collected at 10pm from that sleepover party when she wanted to stay like the others ☹️

WandaWonder · 21/01/2024 08:23

ece123 · 21/01/2024 08:10

No I don’t know the family well. I am regretting for allowing her to stay in the first place as the ex think it set a precedent but I am also angry that ex has ignored all the precedents on how we have made decisions in the past three years.

Show quote history

'We' have made decisions, really?

Zonder · 21/01/2024 08:31

I think the reason your ex thinks it was a precedent is because it was a precedent.

I think we always have to keep learning as parents about letting go bit by bit and building resilience and independence tiny step by tiny step. I think this may often be trickier in a co parenting situation because the parents aren't together trying to reach a compromise, necessarily. But that's the way it is, and the dad can do what he feels comfortable with on his watch. It's not your shout.

Plus I found 7 was prime sleepover time. Pick your battles. There will be worse families she is invited to stay with.

Lovelynames123 · 21/01/2024 08:36

It's never occurred to me to ask xh permission if the girls are invited to sleepovers, apart from checking it doesn't impact on any plans he had. We would discuss and agree on things like first time going to shopping centre alone with friends, first time walking places alone etc, but generally we do what we feel is fine when we each have the dc.

Sirzy · 21/01/2024 08:41

I think you need to see this as a positive step for her in her growing up. Sleepovers with friends are a perfectly normal part of growing up.

don’t let your paranoia hold her back.

JanglyBeads · 21/01/2024 08:42

It's not paranoia, read the experiences of some on this thread @Sirzy

Nevermindtheteacaps · 21/01/2024 08:43

ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:22

That is obviously my concern too.

I personally think this is exposing DD to unnecessary risk.

As I said my sister is a clinical psychologist for over 20 years and she is against stayovers for exactly the same reasons.

Your sister would need to be a forensic, not clinical psychologist for her professional opinion to be relevant here, forensic psychologists assess and understand the risks of particular individuals committing crimes.

Sirzy · 21/01/2024 08:46

JanglyBeads · 21/01/2024 08:42

It's not paranoia, read the experiences of some on this thread @Sirzy

People have bad experiences crossing the road but that doesn’t mean you never let your child do it.

she wants to the the one to control everything but that risks holding her daughter back. Her father is allowed to make calls on what he thinks is ok too.

DreadPirateRobots · 21/01/2024 08:46

Your ex doesn't have to ask your permission to make decisions for his DD. On his time, he decides. You can try to talk to him, but this isn't something you can enforce. Family court is 0% interested in your opinion on sleepovers.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 08:49

Yes, as I said earlier we message and videocall each other several times a day. We always keep each other posted. I know it may sound unusual but I was very proud we managed a close relation around our DD but I will stop doing that now during “my time”.

OP posts:
Shopper727 · 21/01/2024 08:55

Ofgs you either allow them or you don’t
so she’s stayed once? That was ok but now it’s not? communicate together explain your fears and reasons why you don’t want your child to have sleepovers and try to agree. Your sister allowing them or not is nothing to do with this. This is YOUR kid not hers so what are your rules and why, And stick to it.

you video call your ex or kids several times a day why? I’m a single parent of 4 we text to ask stuff but rarely and have a positive relationship but based on trust and communication and my children do not go on sleepovers there is no need. It’s agreed (I’m hcp ex is police sp both have very good reasons for not having our kids do that) they’ve never bothered.