The ex allowed stayover without telling me

[ece123]

DD (7) was supposed to stay at her father tonight. Her father took DD and her friend out and when he was dropping off her friend, the famiky invited DD for a stayover. And the ex couldn’t say “no”.

I am sensetive about sleep overs and ex partner is aware of this. When same girl had a stayover party I did not allow DD to stay and collected DD at 10pm. When she was invited again by the same family we discussed with my ex and I only agreed if DD had a sim card and was able to reach us whenever she wanted. So we bought her a smart watch at that time and agreed for that stayover.

Tonight was not discussed in advance and it is out of blue and DD does not have her smart watch with her either so she is unable to reach if she want to.

Sleepovers were very rarely allowed in my family and only when we were at an older age. My sister is psychologist and she is also againts sleepovers due to personal and occupational reasons. I am not comfortable about it especially with families we don’t really know.

I am really upset that the ex allowed this without asking me. He was not even going to inform me if I did’t want to call and talk to DD.

I insisted to agree on having an agreement on any future stay overs and he is not even properly agreeing on this (sent a thumbs up emoji). I told him this is very very important to me and I need a clear statement feom him not an emoji. I am thinking about getting a legal advice on this but I wanted to hear what other mums are thinking. He is saying that when DD is “staying” with him I do not have a say on what they can do and they cannot do.

We do not know the family well. They came to DD’s school last year and the girls are good friends but that is about it. Ex husband told me to go and get her if I want to. I am not going to do that as it will be very awkard but certainly I am uncomfortable.

Separated parents should agree on if kids are staying with other people. No? I would have never allowed DD without asking him even with my friends who I know for ages.

You’re unreasonable to think your DC’s father can’t make decisions without running them past you.

You’re also unreasonable to blow up a co parenting relationship over a sleepover.

You’re definitely unreasonable to kick off about a sleepover when you’ve permitted your DC to stay there in the past.

Hoping he is reasonable enough he will not ruin a functioning coparenting relationship..
YOU are the one who is determined to risk having a coparenting relationship. I won't say 'functioning' because I suspect that your control is slipping and you are not reacting well.
When my children are with me, I make the decisions on what they, and we, do and do not have my decisions policed. My ex does the same when they are with him. Or did. They are a lot older now
YOU set the precedent btw so is it just because a decision was made during their time together without your input and you cannot handle that? How much do you insert yourself into their time together?
I really, really hope you don't allow your thoughts and feelings about this to affect your child but I suspect you will. You'll make it known how you disapprove and fire a million questions at them. I've seen this game many times :(

Geez. What's the point in separating?!

We are still married and don't contact each other that much on a day out!

I actually agree with you on sleepovers, DS1 is 7 and has had no invitations (suspect it's not really a thing with his school friends) so I haven't had to think about it but I don't feel very comfortable with it.

But it's unrealistic to expect to parent completely together and consult each other on everything when you're not a couple

He often calls DD during “my time” and we often end up chatting about DD’s day. When DD has a problem with a friend or when have a challenging day we call him to discuss all together or if there is a funny moment we always call and share with each other and have a laugh. The calls and messages are mostly positive.

What are your reasons if you don’t mind me asking?

I am worried about exposing her to unnecessary risk and I am regretting to allow in the first place. It was certainly a big thing at the time and never meant to be causal. But you are right you either allow or not and I should have been firmer.

It's rare for secondary age children to want sleepovers though ime, very much a primary thing.

I am surprised by this - my personal experiences were sleepovers at secondary age only. My 7 year old has yet to be invited to a sleepover

I never liked sleepovers full stop but that's neither here nor there!

I think the problem here, is that you've already allowed DD to have a sleepover there, so why would her dad not think it's ok this time? He's stood on the doorstep and gets asked out of the blue. Did you expect him to whip his phone out and say to the other parent, 'Hang on, I just need to ask DD's mum'? That's ridiculous!
Also, just because he doesn't know them very well, he knows that you know them. You've even had dinner with them! My husband knew who my children's friends were but he didn't know their parents too well because he rarely crossed paths with them. He knew that I knew them though!

Just as an aside, I used to hate it when my children or their friends sprung surprises on me like can 'x' stay for tea etc without prior arrangement and it's really awkward to say no when you've got two children looking hopefully at you!!!

Also, mobile phones and smart watches weren't a thing when my children were as young as your child but I'd always have the parent's phone number. I assume you do too as you and your daughter have spent time with the family on various occasions. You could have just given the mum a quick call, or taken your daughter's watch round if you were that concerned.

So whilst I wouldn't be too happy, I think your ex was put in a difficult position and you could have taken steps to ease your concerns.

All three of mine stayed over at friends' houses throughout their secondary years. They just didn't call them "sleepovers" any more. I picked DD up from one only yesterday and she's 17!

I’ve had the exact opposite experience, both as a child and as a mother.

Thanks for everyone’s comments. I have slept over it and I have decided to talk to the mother and will ask them if they could ask about sleepovers a couple of days before so we can make our arrangements and plan.

This is why I said "ime" and I imagine the sex of the children might be relevant too.

His call when there in his care

it completely pointless wanting a discussion on this as it’s your way or no way

You do need to consider that they clock him as the 'easier parent' and while you can ask. They may still communicate with him last minute as well.

This looks as if you want to make sure you get to decide. You really are looking very controlling.

Clearly this sleepover was a spontaneous one. Nothing wrong with that.

And indeed if she is reasonable enough.

You expect them to contact you on your children's contact time or am I misunderstanding you?

The thing about controlling people is they so often just don’t understand that their behaviour is controlling.

this ‘going above your ex’s head’ approach is dreadful. If you do this, he should be angry with you. You are determined to prevent him for even being allowed to make decisions.

it would be much better for you to accept that you are not the one in charge of all decisions.

YABU
You cannot dictate what your DD does on his time with her. It’s his time so he is allowed to decide what he finds reasonable.
just because you don’t allow sleepover at that age in your family doesn’t mean he feels the same. You are being completely unreasonable and controlling. I would image if your tried to enforce this legally, they would laugh at you and you would get no where. Stops being ridiculous and controlling.

Just a final update when I went to pick DD up the first thing she told me was “she cried all night and she missed me” When I asked why she said “she was not prepared for it”. She couldn’t sleep and her eyes are red and she looks like she had a difficult night. We have a full on schedule today and I am not sure if she can cope with it. But that’s OK and she still wants to go to sleepovers. I would have been worried if she didn’t want sleepovers anymore.

We have also discussed with the ex and cleared the air before I collected DD and we agreed to talk to the parent so that we can make arrangements and he also thought he was put on spot.

Thanks everyone for providing opinions despite some which were judgemental. They did help me to get through the night.

Who is the mother supposed to ask tho as if its on dad's time then it's dad's decision.

A few things. I don't think you get to control what he does with dd on his time. Although I wouldn't be comfortable letting my child sleep over with a family I didn't know well, by 7 I think I'd know friends well enough to judge whether I'd be comfortable.I've been quite restrictive on young age sleepovers. It's just not been a big issue. I didn't do it at that age so I guess I think it's less appropriate or just not needed. At 7 they can come home and sleep in their own bed. I think my issues were: staying up late, eating sweets. Child abuse is a bit alarmist.