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Original poster

The ex allowed stayover without telling me

157 replies

ece123 · 20/01/2024 22:50

DD (7) was supposed to stay at her father tonight. Her father took DD and her friend out and when he was dropping off her friend, the famiky invited DD for a stayover. And the ex couldn’t say “no”.

I am sensetive about sleep overs and ex partner is aware of this. When same girl had a stayover party I did not allow DD to stay and collected DD at 10pm. When she was invited again by the same family we discussed with my ex and I only agreed if DD had a sim card and was able to reach us whenever she wanted. So we bought her a smart watch at that time and agreed for that stayover.

Tonight was not discussed in advance and it is out of blue and DD does not have her smart watch with her either so she is unable to reach if she want to.

Sleepovers were very rarely allowed in my family and only when we were at an older age. My sister is psychologist and she is also againts sleepovers due to personal and occupational reasons. I am not comfortable about it especially with families we don’t really know.

I am really upset that the ex allowed this without asking me. He was not even going to inform me if I did’t want to call and talk to DD.

I insisted to agree on having an agreement on any future stay overs and he is not even properly agreeing on this (sent a thumbs up emoji). I told him this is very very important to me and I need a clear statement feom him not an emoji. I am thinking about getting a legal advice on this but I wanted to hear what other mums are thinking. He is saying that when DD is “staying” with him I do not have a say on what they can do and they cannot do.

We do not know the family well. They came to DD’s school last year and the girls are good friends but that is about it. Ex husband told me to go and get her if I want to. I am not going to do that as it will be very awkard but certainly I am uncomfortable.

Separated parents should agree on if kids are staying with other people. No? I would have never allowed DD without asking him even with my friends who I know for ages.

OP posts:
Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 01:27

heartofglass23 · 21/01/2024 01:23

Knowing any family better won't prevent child sexual abuse.

You can't tell who's a child abuser by how they look/behave/speak.

Yes there is a slim possibility of CSA during play dates & sleepovers.

But you balance this against the positive aspects of children socialising, widening their world and increasing their confidence and independence.

It's a good opportunity to discuss basic body boundaries with dd so if anything does happen she will tell you asap and not keep it secret.

I agree.

OP posts:
StragglyTinsel · 21/01/2024 01:34

ece123 · 21/01/2024 01:23

We haven’t divorced or had any proceeding for the custodial rights. We have been managing most of the things in agreement but it seems that it is the right time to make legal arrangements.

Show quote history

A court order won’t give you the power of veto over sleepovers in his time with the child.

You simply need to accept that he gets to make his own calls about what happens when your DD is with him. Your solicitor will tell you exactly the same thing.

What will sour any coparenting relationship is you thinking that you are the one in control of everything. You are not. And you simply have to accept that he’s going to make different decisions to you. It’s unreasonable to expect him to ask your permission.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 01:37

StragglyTinsel · 21/01/2024 01:34

A court order won’t give you the power of veto over sleepovers in his time with the child.

You simply need to accept that he gets to make his own calls about what happens when your DD is with him. Your solicitor will tell you exactly the same thing.

What will sour any coparenting relationship is you thinking that you are the one in control of everything. You are not. And you simply have to accept that he’s going to make different decisions to you. It’s unreasonable to expect him to ask your permission.

Show quote history

What makes you think I want to be in control of “everything”?

OP posts:
TiptopTommy · 21/01/2024 01:41

There’s no such thing as “custodial rights”

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 01:46

TiptopTommy · 21/01/2024 01:41

There’s no such thing as “custodial rights”

Child custody rights, maybe?

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 21/01/2024 01:50

As an ex social worker I completely agree with you.

I don’t allow sleepovers unless I know the family very well, until secondary school age and until they have a phone and know how to use it.

Unfortunately on his parenting time he can make decisions like this without your consent. Best thing to do would be to sit him down and talk about it if he’s reasonable enough?

TiptopTommy · 21/01/2024 01:51

No. Assuming you are in the U.K.

SD1978 · 21/01/2024 01:51

@ece123 - given you'd already said yes once- it very well may be he assumed that it didn't need further discussion? By all means start to formalise your arrangement if you feel it's better to- but you also do need to concede that you are both doing your best, and he will make decisions you don't always agree with- and vice versa. I'd assume that with it being allowed once, and other mandates being allowed, that the family passed whatever test you deem them to be an 'ok' family.

rrrrrreatt · 21/01/2024 01:53

It doesn’t sound in your post you’re looking for an agreement on sleepovers like, you want to make the decision and you want him to comply.

If you’re married or he’s on the birth certificate he already has parental rights. You can look to formalise your custody agreement (e.g he does X days and you do Y) but I don’t think a judge would reduce his access to your child based on this.

When you say the mum had unfortunate live events, what do you mean? I’ve had heaps of those but most were outside of my control and I learnt from every one.

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 21/01/2024 01:55

If this issue is the only reason you are suggesting taking the legal route, it would perhaps be best not to. It would be a lot of money for a judge to tell you what we have essentially said on this thread.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 01:55

LE987 · 21/01/2024 01:07

I understand your concerns OP. Hopefully if anything were to happen you have raised your daughter to know she can tell you, unfortunately you can’t control what he does and doesn’t allow.

I know of several people who were sexually abused at sleepovers and never told anybody and even at the age of 12, I had a friends adult brother ask to see my boobs at a sleepover, never went there again, never told anyone 🤢

I am so sorry about your experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 02:05

StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance · 21/01/2024 01:55

If this issue is the only reason you are suggesting taking the legal route, it would perhaps be best not to. It would be a lot of money for a judge to tell you what we have essentially said on this thread.

We’ll need to divorce anyhow and if we can agree we will agree. Up until tonight our unwritten consensus was to discuss these things but it seems that it is no longer working and I would like to get a legal advice before agreeing on anything.

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 21/01/2024 02:10

Your ex is an idiot. I’d be absolutely livid!!

GintyMcGinty · 21/01/2024 02:11

It's a difference in parenting styles. He's not done anything wrong and it's not your place to dictate what happens in his time.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 02:13

rrrrrreatt · 21/01/2024 01:53

It doesn’t sound in your post you’re looking for an agreement on sleepovers like, you want to make the decision and you want him to comply.

If you’re married or he’s on the birth certificate he already has parental rights. You can look to formalise your custody agreement (e.g he does X days and you do Y) but I don’t think a judge would reduce his access to your child based on this.

When you say the mum had unfortunate live events, what do you mean? I’ve had heaps of those but most were outside of my control and I learnt from every one.

I disagree. Previously even if I didn’t want to I agreed for the sleepover. So I complied with his preference but in order to make my mind at peace we bought a simcard on a smartwatch that his father already bought for DD. Then we all loved communicating through her smartwatch as well. So there was a compromise and all parties were happy. This could have been the same way but I guess we are now going into that “my time” vs “your time” route rather than co-parenting.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 21/01/2024 02:14

Why shouldn't she have a sleepover with her friend? If she was happy to go. Why not try and get to know the parents.

LunaMay · 21/01/2024 02:21

ece123 · 21/01/2024 01:23

We haven’t divorced or had any proceeding for the custodial rights. We have been managing most of the things in agreement but it seems that it is the right time to make legal arrangements.

Show quote history

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Really think about what you want here because you run the risk of ruining the coparenting relationship yourself. You realise he wouldnt have to do half the stuff he does now in regards to communication on his time?

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 02:26

Lachimolala · 21/01/2024 01:50

As an ex social worker I completely agree with you.

I don’t allow sleepovers unless I know the family very well, until secondary school age and until they have a phone and know how to use it.

Unfortunately on his parenting time he can make decisions like this without your consent. Best thing to do would be to sit him down and talk about it if he’s reasonable enough?

Thanks. It is good to hear that I am not that unreasonable about being upset about ex’a behaviour.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 21/01/2024 02:28

I think you are trying to say "No sleepovers without my agreement" but when she's in his care and standing on her friend''s doorstep he had to make a decision. There will be decisions you make when she's with you that he may not agree with. Knowing you had already let her sleep over at this house must have made him think it was OK.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 02:41

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/01/2024 02:28

I think you are trying to say "No sleepovers without my agreement" but when she's in his care and standing on her friend''s doorstep he had to make a decision. There will be decisions you make when she's with you that he may not agree with. Knowing you had already let her sleep over at this house must have made him think it was OK.

If it was down to me I would say no sleepovers at this age at all. Because we have different opinions on this I would like it to be arranged and discussed maybe talked to DD before goes and she has her watch with her so if she is uncomfortable at any stage she could message me. I was not happy about how he said OK because he couldn’t say no.

It might be unusual for some but we usually communicate several times a day with my ex about DD and many other things and we never approached raising DD as “my time” vs “your time” and what I understand from all these posts it is now coming to dire tone although I am hopeful he will be more sensitive in the future before saying yes.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 21/01/2024 02:53

It's great you have lots of discussion with your ex about DD but, as she gets older, you are likely to find more unexpected situations arise which you haven't planned for.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 02:57

LunaMay · 21/01/2024 02:21

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Really think about what you want here because you run the risk of ruining the coparenting relationship yourself. You realise he wouldnt have to do half the stuff he does now in regards to communication on his time?

Show quote history

My concern is my child might get hurt and she is too young to protect herself. Nothing will stop me expressing my opinion on what is best for my DD.

Hoping he is reasonable enough he will not ruin a functioning coparenting relation so that 7 years old DD spends a night at someone else’s house he barely knows. Why is it that important?

OP posts:
kingtamponthefurred · 21/01/2024 02:58

ece123 · 20/01/2024 23:16

Exactly! If he is gonna leave her people we don’t know I am perfectly happy to take her.

But there is no 'we' any more is there? There are two parents who see their children at different times and might decide to do different things during that time.

Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 02:58

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/01/2024 02:53

It's great you have lots of discussion with your ex about DD but, as she gets older, you are likely to find more unexpected situations arise which you haven't planned for.

hopefully she will be more independent and able to protect herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ece123 · 21/01/2024 03:01

kingtamponthefurred · 21/01/2024 02:58

But there is no 'we' any more is there? There are two parents who see their children at different times and might decide to do different things during that time.

Show quote history

He doesn’t know anything about them. He doesn’t even know their surname. I wish he did. It is definitely not about us.

OP posts: