The ex allowed stayover without telling me

[ece123]

DD (7) was supposed to stay at her father tonight. Her father took DD and her friend out and when he was dropping off her friend, the famiky invited DD for a stayover. And the ex couldn’t say “no”.

I am sensetive about sleep overs and ex partner is aware of this. When same girl had a stayover party I did not allow DD to stay and collected DD at 10pm. When she was invited again by the same family we discussed with my ex and I only agreed if DD had a sim card and was able to reach us whenever she wanted. So we bought her a smart watch at that time and agreed for that stayover.

Tonight was not discussed in advance and it is out of blue and DD does not have her smart watch with her either so she is unable to reach if she want to.

Sleepovers were very rarely allowed in my family and only when we were at an older age. My sister is psychologist and she is also againts sleepovers due to personal and occupational reasons. I am not comfortable about it especially with families we don’t really know.

I am really upset that the ex allowed this without asking me. He was not even going to inform me if I did’t want to call and talk to DD.

I insisted to agree on having an agreement on any future stay overs and he is not even properly agreeing on this (sent a thumbs up emoji). I told him this is very very important to me and I need a clear statement feom him not an emoji. I am thinking about getting a legal advice on this but I wanted to hear what other mums are thinking. He is saying that when DD is “staying” with him I do not have a say on what they can do and they cannot do.

We do not know the family well. They came to DD’s school last year and the girls are good friends but that is about it. Ex husband told me to go and get her if I want to. I am not going to do that as it will be very awkard but certainly I am uncomfortable.

Separated parents should agree on if kids are staying with other people. No? I would have never allowed DD without asking him even with my friends who I know for ages.

@ece123

now you're being ridiculous. He wasn't looking for childcare! The other parents spontaneously offered a sleep over (a FUN event for children)!

you previously allowed her to sleep over at their house, why is it so risky when he does the same.

having a watch is not going stop her being abused.

Trust me, this is not sustainable. You can't be getting his permission every time, and vice versa.

Sorry but I think you're being a little unreasonable. Firstly, you can't dictate what he does with your daughter during his time.
Secondly, she's stayed over before so you're obviously not that concerned about her staying with 'strangers' (I don't think wearing a smart watch makes any difference).

I think you should make some effort to get to know your daughter's friends' families. It sounds like you don't want her to have any sleepovers and frankly she will miss out if you keep that up.

I made the effort to go to the family twice (once for a tea and once I stayed for a dinner). I do not want to give any information about the family but the mother shared some unfortunate life experiences.

My ex partner doesn’t really care to make any effort. I wish he did meet with her friends’ fathers and make personal connections.

But she didn’t want to be with you, she wanted a sleepover with her friend. Kids love sleepovers!

except the OP is OK with her DD sleeping over with this family. All her father has done is let her go to a sleepover at a house she's had a sleepover at before.

His time, his decision. I think you're being weird about sleepovers especially given your update that you've been to their home twice.

This family invites DD pretty frequently as well. This is the 4th invitation since October. They even invited DD for the NYE.

I am hoping the ex will discuss with me in the future othwewise we will not a smooth co-parenting realtion as we use to have.

I've had some "unfortunate life experiences"
I'd be fucking devastated if someone decided that had any baring on whether a child should be left with me or not.

Rightly or wrongly your ex can do what he chooses when DD is with him. (As long as its legal obvs)
In this situation the child wanted to have a sleepover with her friend. I can't see the issue.

It is not about permission but keeping each other informed and give each other a chance to raise any concern. I agree it might not be sustainable when she is older due to the fact that DD will be more independent.

I agree with pretty much everything the majority of posters have written.

Your ex is entitled to his opinion just as much as you are entitled to yours. He isn't neglectful or abusive and on his days, he gets to make the parenting decisions.

The updates about you having been to the friend's house and socialised with the parents makes your condemnation of your ex sound pretty batshit as is buying a smartwatch for a 7 year old.

I do let DD spend time with them. She went to several play dates with them. I am
not keen on sleepovers at this age. I think she is too young. I might feel a bit more comfortable about sleepovers with families I know for a long time.

I just want to say I do appreciate all the responses even some of them are a bit disrespectful.

I am glad I am not alone. I do think sleepovers are fun but also expose children to risk as well. I think I made the mistake to allow her in the begining and now she is frequently invited.

Sorry, you're being a bit controlling. It was his time with his daughter, he had the responsibility for her and he made a parenting decision he was comfortable with. You have issues with sleepovers, no problem, but he doesn't. You can't impose your rules, unless it's a legitimate safety concern, which this isn't, on his parenting. Same as he can't force you to parent in a certain way because of his views.

And also- unless I've misunderstood, you have already allowed a sleepover once to this child's house, as you bought a smart watch specifically? And your child has had multiple play dates there? To make out like he's abandoned the child with strangers shoes more towards your anxiety. He tried to do a nice thing, he didn't abandoned his daughter with strangers so he could go out.

I understand your concerns OP. Hopefully if anything were to happen you have raised your daughter to know she can tell you, unfortunately you can’t control what he does and doesn’t allow.

I know of several people who were sexually abused at sleepovers and never told anybody and even at the age of 12, I had a friends adult brother ask to see my boobs at a sleepover, never went there again, never told anyone 🤢

I have so many wonderful memories of sleepovers in my childhood. Sometimes we would have several people and have a sleepover party. Me and my friends would often have a sleepover once a week, sometimes twice. It's all part of being a child and having fun.

With regard to your ex, I agree with the majority of the comments. During his parenting time, it is his decision. He is an adult and (I assume) has the capability to make an informed decision on whether to allow your daughter to do something. They are daily judgments we all have to make as parents. Communicating with each other for every single decision is over the top. I wouldn't even want to be in contact with my ex that often. I have experienced the family courts on several occasions and they would take a similar view. In fact, they would take a dim view of you interfering with the father's parenting time.

Did you agree the smart watch with your ex? That it was ok to send it to his house?

We have always discussed these things before and I am upset he had not discussed with me.

When I allowed previously it was a big thing for us. We had talked with our daughter. At the time we were told other kids were staying as well and it turned out the other families did not allow so it was only DD.

Can you see why he possibly chose not to discuss it with you?

Maybe they have joint care 50/50 so off course child can go for a sleep over in his time.

He takes him 2-3 times a week.

Knowing any family better won't prevent child sexual abuse.

You can't tell who's a child abuser by how they look/behave/speak.

Yes there is a slim possibility of CSA during play dates & sleepovers.

But you balance this against the positive aspects of children socialising, widening their world and increasing their confidence and independence.

It's a good opportunity to discuss basic body boundaries with dd so if anything does happen she will tell you asap and not keep it secret.

We haven’t divorced or had any proceeding for the custodial rights. We have been managing most of the things in agreement but it seems that it is the right time to make legal arrangements.