Nanny - are my expectations too high?

[Tyletylertyler]

I'm employing a nanny for 21 hours a week. I'm not sure if my expectations of her are too high and I'd appreciate some opinions. I didn't go through the agency route and actually the children already knew her before she became our nanny.

My children are 6 and 4. The 4 year old likes her though I wouldn't say they are especially close after six months but the 6 year old doesn't seem to get on with her much at all. She seems to have no respect for nanny and I don't think nanny is very good with disciplining her - she can be difficult sometimes but she's always been good at nursery, at school and at after school club. I have overheard nanny talking to them sometimes and the discipline always sounds quite half hearted (almost a plea rather than any real boundaries / control).

The main issue I have with her is that she seems to lack initiative and is quite careless about things. Every time they do a messy activity there will be a new stain on the carpet (paint, slime, etc). She scratches all my non stick pans by using metal utensils in them even though I've asked her not to and put a pot of wooden spoons next to the hob. She just dumps all the kids stuff back in whatever box so their toys are never nicely put away and she'll put pens and even paints away without lids on. Shes not doing it on purpose i don't think, she just doesn't notice these things. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what I feel isn't working but I think it is a lack of initiative / common sense. If I give her any feedback she gets quite defensive and I don't feel like things don't change enough.

Another example is that I have to remind her repeatedly to meal plan, I asked her to let me know in advance what she needs for meals to cook them but the week rolls around and she hasn't done it - in fact she never has. I come home and my heart sinks because the kids have often eaten no dinner (because they don't like what she has cooked) yet they will be down from the table and playing, there'll be a new stain on the carpet, the toys are all chucked in random places and there will be some mess in the kitchen. She's always 5 minutes late. It's all little stuff but it's building to a point where I feel like she's just not a good fit. She's quite young still and i feel like she requires lots of input from me.

She is my first nanny and I am worried I am just being way too fussy and need to relax a bit. I don't know how much time I should give this.

I'd sit her down for a formal review.
Choose three things as performance targets. Eg meal plan written and followed every week. Toys all organised and back in right boxes every night. On time every morning.
Discuss discipline together and come up with a plan with appropriate sanctions for 6 year old and back the nanny up.
Be really explicit about what you want with clear goals.

Set a review date for 6 weeks time to meet again.

If she can't manage the job to your required standard by then, you might need to look for someone else.

Does she have free time allocated to meal plan etc? As if she’s only doing 21 hrs per week isn’t that very part time, like just an after school nanny?. I wouldn’t expect one to have time for full on meal plans and cooking if they are doing school runs, park, entertaining children, homework,cleaning etc in just 4hrs. Usually a full time nanny would have 2-3 hrs a day to do food shop, cook, clean, prep activities whilst children are at school/ nursery/ napping.

In your senario I would just do a fixed 2 week meal plan, shop for it, and she just cooks the same simple things.

She only works 2 days a week, so it is 10.5 hours on each day. So I would just be asking her to plan the meals on the days she is working. I thought that was a standard part of the job?

Nannies who meal plan tend to do it while younger children are napping. When in her working hours do you want her to meal plan? Have you told her that.

Yes, if she has time during those 10.5 hrs where she can sit down without child and plan? Is the 4 year old home all day? If no nursery or nap then you need to tell nanny she can let 4 year old have tv an hour after lunch each day so nanny can use that time for planning and cook prep.
I presume currently she’s taking child out and about, and entertaining indoors so maybe doesn’t feel she has the time to prep and plan if child is needed full attention

Child has TV time once a day yes

tbh I would get a new nanny. you are ultimately paying for a service which you are not getting. its not about being fussy v chilled. even if you show her/ask her - if she is defensive change is unlikely.

the new nanny might need a few weeks when you are around more and talk through your expectations etc. but if you find someone experienced that won't take long

Honestly I think stains and marks on the carpets/walls will happen with kids. We redecorated when the kids grew out of paints/colouring in. Perhaps you should meal plan what you know your kids will eat. Just ask her to put away more carefully.

I've asked her to put away more carefully quite a few times and she always says "yeah I know I try to do that" and then does it the same as before. Even when I've explained to her and showed her where I put things, she will just put everything that is out in the nearest box.

I thought meal planning and cooking was a normal part of the nanny job but it seems from the responses like that is not right? Would a nanny normally then be expected to be provided with ingredients and a recipe and to cook what they're told?

I'm guessing this lady wasn’t a nanny before?
She doesn’t sound great - is she following your children’s interests?
Presumably your 6 year old is at school during the day so she should have more than enough time to prep dinner and organise the kids resources and clothes looking after one 4 year old. Over two days I would expect her to also be doing a wash each day (one day uniform, one day sheets & towels) and changing kids sheets weekly.
If she’s doing slime/ messy play - she should be taking precautions to keep your house clean or waiting for a warm day and doing it in the garden. One accident is one thing but repeated mess isn’t.
Food - she should have a list of what your kids like but generally over two days a week she shouldn’t struggle - what kids don’t like a slow cooker bolognaise or making pizzas? Pasta bakes, fajitas, chicken noodles etc are all quick easy prep ahead meals that tend to be crowd pleasers.

In my nannying days I always felt like I had two lots of people to please - the kids by setting up activities/ going on outings and forming bonds etc and the parents - who would often work long hours. I would make sure that by the time they came home the kids stuff was organised and away, kids were fed (always ensured there were leftovers for parents that could be eaten or frozen), bathed and in PJs or PJs ready on pillows and kitchen/ living room clean with school uniform/ clothes out ready for the next day. No parent wants to come home to chaos - they want to come home and have that nice calm hour with their kids before bed.

Sounds like she doesn’t get that she’s really working for you (as well as the kids).

Is she younger/is it her first role?

If so, I think these things are quite common, however I would sit down and have a review and ask what her expectations are of the role. I would say meal planning, children laundry and keeping childrens' areas tidy are all part of her responsibility. I say this as someone who was a nanny for 10+ years and who now employs a nanny.

In terms of having a bond with your children, it's a real shame she hasn't seemed to strike one with your kids yet! I think a really important part of the role at the start is to just focus on making that bond and then everything else (organising toys etc) all falls into place.

I also think that sometimes a certain person or family however lovely they are just aren't the right fit for each other. If this is the case don't be afraid to say it! A GOOD agency I think is worth its weight in gold for this match-making kind of thing. I'm certainly not saying you should terminate her employment, but I'd be a bit annoyed by my house getting wrecked or my children weren't happy if things don't improve after a review.

i don’t think you are being unreasonable and it sounds like you might be better off replacing her. However, I think it’s probably important to recognise that when it comes to child care you often get what you pay for. You mentioned that you recruited her opportunistically (I.e. not through an agency), that she is part time and quite young. I think you are probably paying below the average for your childcare and that is being reflected in the childcare itself. Pay a little more and recruit someone with more experience. She’s likely miserable too and if she is not receptive to your feedback things are only gonna get worse! Try to severe ties amicably sooner rather than later!

I think she sounds a bit rubbish

Is she actually qualified as a nanny? Or someone you know who does some babysitting?

She does have childcare experience (around 5 years) and she had been a nanny before but from how she described that family they were very different to mine (e.g. kids would have just junk food for dinner so no cooking required). Her rate was market when I hired her and I would have given her a decent payrise after six months because the market has moved here, but I think I'm going to look for someone else and expect to pay what I would have done for the payrise (which here is about £14 or £15 gross per hour). Thanks for all the replies.

So how much are you currently paying her and where are you based if you mind me asking?

Christ she sounds like my husband and I’m considering divorce for this behaviour! Definitely a review and then the sack after two weeks if it doesn’t improve

I'd get rid of her and make sure you appoint someone tidy and organized next time.
There's no need for all the messiness and stains. You can't make untidy people suddenly become tidy.

It's normal to expect her to meal plan and cook. Can you ask her to buy the food so she is responsible for everything for those two days? Then you don't need to get involved. Different nannies will have different strengths and for some of them, it won't be cooking. I would find someone who is a better fit for you as it sounds like she's doing a few things without the care you'd expect.

She doesnt sound like shes even trying, tbh. Id have a formal talk about your concerns, and what you expect of her.
If i did that many things wrong at work theyd not keep me

it sounds like she has a lot of inattentive adhd traits

It's not typical for a part time nanny to meal plan, I think that's asking too much. Especially if she isn't good at it.

You'd be better off having a set meal plan of simple things you know your children will eat and leaving instructions for her.

It sounds like you're not a good fit with each other. Some people wouldn't sweat the toys being in the wrong box etc - but it's important for you so you'd be better off finding someone who is attuned to those things.

We have two Nannies who job share, and they both have strengths and weaknesses. One nanny has ADHD and leaves an absolute mess every time- but my children adore her, she is lovely, she has such great play ideas and so much energy. I think. She's fabulous and I am happy to cop the mess.

It's a matter of compatibility- not so much performance.

Previous nanny here. Sack her, she won't get better; find someone with more experience and glowing references