Nanny - are my expectations too high?

[Tyletylertyler]

I'm employing a nanny for 21 hours a week. I'm not sure if my expectations of her are too high and I'd appreciate some opinions. I didn't go through the agency route and actually the children already knew her before she became our nanny.

My children are 6 and 4. The 4 year old likes her though I wouldn't say they are especially close after six months but the 6 year old doesn't seem to get on with her much at all. She seems to have no respect for nanny and I don't think nanny is very good with disciplining her - she can be difficult sometimes but she's always been good at nursery, at school and at after school club. I have overheard nanny talking to them sometimes and the discipline always sounds quite half hearted (almost a plea rather than any real boundaries / control).

The main issue I have with her is that she seems to lack initiative and is quite careless about things. Every time they do a messy activity there will be a new stain on the carpet (paint, slime, etc). She scratches all my non stick pans by using metal utensils in them even though I've asked her not to and put a pot of wooden spoons next to the hob. She just dumps all the kids stuff back in whatever box so their toys are never nicely put away and she'll put pens and even paints away without lids on. Shes not doing it on purpose i don't think, she just doesn't notice these things. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what I feel isn't working but I think it is a lack of initiative / common sense. If I give her any feedback she gets quite defensive and I don't feel like things don't change enough.

Another example is that I have to remind her repeatedly to meal plan, I asked her to let me know in advance what she needs for meals to cook them but the week rolls around and she hasn't done it - in fact she never has. I come home and my heart sinks because the kids have often eaten no dinner (because they don't like what she has cooked) yet they will be down from the table and playing, there'll be a new stain on the carpet, the toys are all chucked in random places and there will be some mess in the kitchen. She's always 5 minutes late. It's all little stuff but it's building to a point where I feel like she's just not a good fit. She's quite young still and i feel like she requires lots of input from me.

She is my first nanny and I am worried I am just being way too fussy and need to relax a bit. I don't know how much time I should give this.

Age doesn't come into it. What you've described, is basic day to day.

She's working to the value of her salary, and sounds like a messy sloth.

You're expecting way too much for what you're paying her.

I’ve worked very hard to find nannies for DC who were the best match for them and they’ve had really strong bonds. There are occasional things I’ve had to overlook but genuinely they are occasional and frankly I think that’s true with DH! We’ve had 2 and it’s been great, neither had heaps of childcare experience but excellent fit for how we parent and great for DC.

When our nannies joined we wrote detailed info including the kinds of meals they eat, how appliances work etc. We’ve never meal planned but they just put things together based on what’s in the fridge etc.

It’s a bit horses for courses. Someone above said it’s just about compatibility and misaligned expectations rather than what she “should” be doing.

getting her to meal plan 2 days sounds stupid, just do your own meal plan for the week and tell her what to cook. When I was a nanny I was always told what to cook by the mum.
the messiness is annoying but you either need to have a serious chat with her or fire her

This. Get a new, experienced nanny and ask questions about all these sorts of things when you get a reference. Or ask the old employer if nanny was doing all these things for them

Former nanny here. She sounds awful and I’d find someone new.

Of course stains occasionally happen with kids and messy play no matter how hard you try to avoid them, but they certainly shouldn’t be happening all the time.

she should be able to organise toys appropriately at the end of the day.

I personally never did a menu plan myself. The family would say what they’d like me to cook, have the ingredients ready, and give me the recipe.

But ultimately, she doesn’t sound as though she’s taking this job very seriously, or she’s just a big clueless.

I think meal planning is a normal part of the job but IIRC, when we had a 2 day a week nanny I think we just told her what to make. Would have involved proper cooking once a week (eg bolognese) and other day something really simple like maybe chicken, rice and a vegetable.

If homecooked food is important to you, you need to prepare meals she can just heat up. It’s entirely possible she can’t cook and she clearly has little interest in it.

Sounds like our last nanny. No formal qualifications but childcare experience. Rubbish at cooking. My dc ate ham and cheese sandwiches every day for months. She didn’t think up any activities so I had to suggest EVERYTHING. Didn’t do a single playdate in a year despite me saying how important it was for their social development. I was devastated when she left (without even saying goodbye to dc) but it was a blessing in disguise.

I would sit down and talk through these things. If things don’t change, time for a new nanny.

The mess and lack of care with toys and belongings is well below what I would expect and your don’t need to “relax”
about this. It’s not acceptable. I don’t think it will improve so I would let her go.

the meal planning sounds a bit over the top though. I’ve employed nannies for 14 years and I provide ingredients and tell them what to cook for DC. Only exception is if nanny is very experienced cook and likes cooking certain things : in which case I would work that into the plan and provide ingredients.

Those things would be a deal breaker for me. I think those saying meal planning is not standard might be assuming she is an after school nanny not doing 2 full days.

Our nanny meal plans and is respectful of the boundaries I put in place. I think have a formal chat, eg ask your partner to have the children for 15 mins so there are no distractions. Schedule it in with her so she gets it's not an impromptu thing and follow up with an email with the key points.

I had an "ok" nanny first who didn't really work out. I didn't want to rock the boat. I knew I should have taken action earlier when she resigned and I felt nothing but relief!! The second one has been with us years and is amazing.

She isn’t the right fit for you, that’s ok. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right.

Yeah she's crap OP. It takes about 90 seconds to plan 2 dinners ffs.
Get rid and get a proper trained nanny, you won't know yourself.
I've had multiple nannies & au pairs over the years. They all have their quirks but she sounds useless

My daughter is a live-in nanny. She regards everything you want, including meal plannng, as a standard part of the job. Get a new nanny and set clear expectations.

I think that you are paying her for a job and she really needs to try and achieve what you want. Nothing you have said is unreasonable.

I think the first poster has got it spot on choose 3 non negotiable items: clearing up properly and be specific what that means, cooking a proper meal and time keeping and I’d make it a 4 week review. Regards the meal planning, save yourself the bother and spend half hour coming up with a list 6 balanced meals you know your kids like and tell her as she hasn’t been able to plan then going forward she can cook these on rotation and just provide ingredients. It’s only 2 days and I think that issue is easily solvable this way.
she shouldn’t be trashing your house or disrespecting your things that would be a hard line no bar very occasional incident for me and I think you need to make that much clearer. I nannied for 5 years and can’t remember a single time I caused damage or left Carpet Stains - she sounds like my teenage son ffs and I’m still teaching him how to be a proper grownup and certainly wouldn’t pay for his cleaning or clearing!

in the meantime start looking for a replacement because I can’t honestly see this changing enough to work.

Can be very difficult to get a PT nanny IME let alone a good one unless you are in a big regional city or London.

I ended up no longer using nannies as the pool of applicants for my similar role was so limited and the one I could hire just wasn’t really doing the role we needed.

Nonsense - if she was an au pair I’d agree but presumably she’s getting a decent wage rather than pocket money and this absolutely falls under nanny remit.

Why's isnt the 4 year old at school or in nursery?
A 21 hour a week job is quite a tough ask to replace.

Meal planning sounds odd. Don't you just order food for the children- so no planning required? (or many eat the same as adults by that age). Snack at 4 and dine with parents is surely much much better?

Your expectations are not too high. She's not going to improve, especially if she gets defensive after feedback. You're paying an awful lot for someone to not do half of their job. Find someone more competent.

This.

I also thought it sounds like she has inattentive ADHD.

You said your six year old doesn’t like seem to like her much so all the other issues are just nails in the coffin. You need to find someone else.

You deserve to feel that when your children are with their nanny, they are with someone they adore and who provides them with high quality care.

This. The main reason I'd get rid of her is because your 6yo doesn't like her. Even if she could improve on all the other issues, I'd get rid of her for that reason alone.

Tbh it's mainly this that leads me to think that she's probably just lazy. It's not that hard to engage most 6yos and keep them in line. You just have to show interest, work out what sparks them and set firm boundaries. Unless your 6yo is a particularly hard nut to crack, she sounds like she's in the wrong job. Kids mostly behave better for adults who aren't their parents.

And it's a safety issue to have a nanny who your children don't listen to. What if one of them runs ahead without looking near a road or something like that?

Also wanted to add:
It does sound like there isn't a great fit. A friend said to me once that you are recruiting for someone who is half way between an employee and a flatmate.

None "perfect" but who is eg

• Nanny 1 not a great cook but honest about it. Loved by my elder daughter, still in touch 14 years on
• Nanny 2 quite untidy and always forgot to empty the bath but incredibly kind and adored by the kids and did brilliant activities

-Nanny 3 not up to supervising homework (much too dyslexic herself), decent cook, very good at boundaries/managing discipline and keeping house/washing tidy and under control

I've had three sole charge nannies for 2.5, 2.5 and 12 years respectively with a few periods of temp support. My experience is that if you want good part-time childcare that you should be offering at the upper end of market rate. Looking after older children can be more attractive to an older and more experienced nanny who has done their time looking after babies and toddlers.

I wouldn’t be asking her to meal plan. Maybe just buy the food. You can give ideas for what to cook as you know what they will eat. The same with discipline let her know what works for you. Everyone has different ways of working it’s just wether she is the right fit. If she can take on board your advice it will help move forward but you also need to consider her point of view.