Nanny - are my expectations too high?

[Tyletylertyler]

I'm employing a nanny for 21 hours a week. I'm not sure if my expectations of her are too high and I'd appreciate some opinions. I didn't go through the agency route and actually the children already knew her before she became our nanny.

My children are 6 and 4. The 4 year old likes her though I wouldn't say they are especially close after six months but the 6 year old doesn't seem to get on with her much at all. She seems to have no respect for nanny and I don't think nanny is very good with disciplining her - she can be difficult sometimes but she's always been good at nursery, at school and at after school club. I have overheard nanny talking to them sometimes and the discipline always sounds quite half hearted (almost a plea rather than any real boundaries / control).

The main issue I have with her is that she seems to lack initiative and is quite careless about things. Every time they do a messy activity there will be a new stain on the carpet (paint, slime, etc). She scratches all my non stick pans by using metal utensils in them even though I've asked her not to and put a pot of wooden spoons next to the hob. She just dumps all the kids stuff back in whatever box so their toys are never nicely put away and she'll put pens and even paints away without lids on. Shes not doing it on purpose i don't think, she just doesn't notice these things. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what I feel isn't working but I think it is a lack of initiative / common sense. If I give her any feedback she gets quite defensive and I don't feel like things don't change enough.

Another example is that I have to remind her repeatedly to meal plan, I asked her to let me know in advance what she needs for meals to cook them but the week rolls around and she hasn't done it - in fact she never has. I come home and my heart sinks because the kids have often eaten no dinner (because they don't like what she has cooked) yet they will be down from the table and playing, there'll be a new stain on the carpet, the toys are all chucked in random places and there will be some mess in the kitchen. She's always 5 minutes late. It's all little stuff but it's building to a point where I feel like she's just not a good fit. She's quite young still and i feel like she requires lots of input from me.

She is my first nanny and I am worried I am just being way too fussy and need to relax a bit. I don't know how much time I should give this.

It's difficult with part time hours even if they're dull days, but keeping things as she found them is standard. I've hired a lot of nannies at various points and the thing I learnt was: get level 3 qualified people.They take it seriously.

Full days

As others have said, the main sticking point for me would be that the children aren’t fussed about her. I was a nanny for quite a few years and the great thing about the job is that you get to focus almost 100% on the children, rather than sharing your attention with life admin like you have to as a parent. If you fully engage with a child, whether doing fun craft activities or just joining in with imaginative play, it’s hard to not form a bond. I only looked after one child I didn’t ‘click with’ and I later found out that was due to the parents speaking disrespectfully about me in front of him.

All of my roles required a very in depth interview, usually followed by a trial day where I’ve spent a couple of hours with the children, with mum or dad still around, to make sure we were a good fit for each other. I’ve been to a few trial days where either the family or I myself didn’t feel it was quite right.

I did meal planning in both full and part-time roles during my working day, so I don’t think YABU expecting this. However, the parents always gave me a clear idea of what the children liked to eat and what their expectations were. So, one family was happy with store bought freezer chips or a quick pesto and pasta, whereas another liked everything made from scratch but provided lots of meal ideas. With a 4 and 6 year old, there’s no reason not to speak with them and find out what meals their parents make that they enjoy, so I find it odd that she’s making meals they actively dislike.

The messiness would massively stress me out. Of course children make mess and occasionally something gets ruined, but it shouldn’t be a daily occurrence. When I was nannying, I was more careful and tidy at work than I was in my own home. Although I was always clear than cleaning was not my role, if I turned up to a few bowls in the sink or a table that the parents hadn’t got round to wiping down, I’d take care of it. In regards to tidying up toys and craft materials, I would have encouraged a 4 and 6 year old to help. Never in a million years would I have ignored a direct request to put the toys back in a specific way, especially if asked more than once.

One thing I would say, though, is that I was paid the same in 2013 as your nanny is now. You really do get what you pay for. I never worked for an agency but I knew others who did and they are very good at matching the right people. Also, they’re great for people who haven’t had nannies before, as it isn’t always as simple as putting out a job advert and hiring somebody you like.

From what you've written it sounds like she's just a bit lazy in all honesty

I'd look for someone else

I would offer the solutions of directing her to where I want her to do messy activities. The stains at least do mean she is doing things with the children. Messy activities tend to be fun activities, so that's something. Can she do it in a room with a hard floor, for example?

As she's only there two days a week and the kids don't even like what she's cooking, why not just tell her what she is cooking? For two nights, choose things you know the kids like and get her to put it together.

The other things would annoy me, like the scratched pots and not tidying up well. I'd be most concerned that the kids don't seem fussed on her. I'd address not respecting the nanny with your daughter though. I think that's your job and, whether you keep this nanny or not, if your daughter is going to take attitude with the nanny you might find you have a high turnover rate of nannies.

That pay doesn't sound great. Our cleaner is 17/h. I think you get what you pay for.

Sorry but looking after a 7 and 4 year old is hard work, she clearly plays with them and does fun stuff. Can't she give them a hotdog and chips? What's with the meal planning? What in earth are you expecting a young woman who is looking after your kids to cook? Spaghetti Bolognese? Roast dinner? Time, as i am sure you know, runs away with you. Cut her some slack. Also with the discipline, surely playing and having fun at this age, she is only with them for a few hours.

Exactly, beans and cheese on toast, surely?! Who meal plans for a 6 and 4 year old?!

If you know what your kids like to eat, then why don't you just plan the meals? You could have 4 alternatives you rotate, write them out and stick them on the fridge.

I live in one of the more reasonably priced areas of the UK and I'm paying £14ph for someone to walk my dog: I pay £17ph to a cleaner to come in and do a full-day house clean once a month (deep clean of bathrooms and kitchen, general clean of house and some interior windows). I know nannies in the SE are earning £30+ ph. One of my relatives has given up a nursing career to become a nanny because she can earn £50k and it's easier work. So you've employed a bargain-basement end of the spectrum nanny and perhaps you're getting what you paid for. Looking after others' children is hard work. Finding all the tops for the paint tubes while also trying to keep an eye on children who may not feel they have to respect her or do what she says could be tricky.

So with meal planning - you are supposed to decide and supply what your children will eat.
I’ve only ever helped with meal planning if parents asked in passing or if a child has “gone off” original foods.
Occasionally I’ve offered weaning advice or been given free reign to cook something else if a toddler is going through their fussy phase…but these were not considered “part of the job” these were more personal conversations with families I’d been with for a while.

Also I have always been left specific matts/coverings for messy activities - why do you not have these available if you’re concerned about your carpet?

All that aside she sounds like a bad fit - I wouldn’t keep her if my children hadn’t bonded after 6 months but that’s personal preference.

How old is your nanny?
asking this as it sounds similar to my experience when I employed one and had to pre-cook meals to be warmed up and got constant messages about basic, already agreed on, routines.
Definitely have a chat and let her know what doesn't work for you and to be better with making sure things are tidied away properly. Coming home to stains that could easily be avoided isn't nice at all, maybe the odd accident but not as a general occurrence.
I had other niggles with my nanny, in the end used after school clubs and holiday clubs instead, which to be fair my kids didn't particularly like either but what can you do when you can't just give up work. Kids are older now and neither nanny nor after school care have left much of an impression, even if it did for me at the time.

Experience isn't the same as a qualification

Does she have any?

And, in fact, is she more of a childminder than a nanny?

Big difference in pay and expectations

She isn't a nanny. No way for what you are paying. Does she have a childcare qualification? Does she have a current first aid certificate? Is she ofsed registered? I reckon you have a babysitter and you're paying a babysitters rate.

Edited to correct autocorrect

She sounds a pain and not fit for a nanny job at all. I cant see one reason about her why you should keep her. She doesnt bond well with the children, leaves your house a mess with permanent damage and is creating you worry.

Your expectations arent too high, eventhough I wouldnt think mealplanning with shopping for two days a week is a good idea.

Her behaviour actually sounds similar to what my ADHD colleagues would do, especially the getting defensive. Its very difficult to impossible to make them do what is asked of them.

If you are likely to get someone else interested in the job, I would ask her to leave.

It sounds like you picked a non-nanny to be a nanny and magically expected her to pick up the skills of one.

You are not unreasonable expect those things; you are unreasonable to expect them of her and YWBU to think that just telling her it ought to be done, will suddenly magic the skills into her.

Some parents actually prefer their children to eat proper meals. You dont need to act like its standard that young children eat just toasts.

I live in Australia and find it unbelievable to pay for a nanny $15/h. Here, depending on where you live, a nanny can cost you from $45-$60/h. I pay $30 dollars/h to walk my dog when we are not available.

Unless you earn very serious money, most people can't afford a private nanny for 21 hours a week in Australia. Childcare or family day care is cheaper and have great times - 7am to 6pm.

I think the OP is having high expectations for the wage she pays.

Just to add - an average au pair would be above that, would bond with the children and wouldnt leave a mess. Its not about her qualifications or experience, she just isnt the right type of person to be a nanny.

Pay situation and the whole nanny market in Australia is totally irrelevant.

Get rid of her now before she stays longer and starts to get more rights.

Not really. Wages in the UK have been shit for a long time, and everyone knows the downward spiral of low wages/high productivity can't be sustainable.

The OP is paying ridiculous low wages for a nanny outside a proper agency that will take into consideration and align her family expectations and values to the person most suitable for her children/family.

You get what you pay for in the UK, Australia or anywhere else.

I don't think your expectations are too high in terms of discipline, activities, reasonable care for the house and the careful putting away of toys etc. This nanny just sounds sloppy (as a character trait) and I think it's hard to change that. The crappy disregard for the care of things would drive me mad! I would look for someone new with whom you can start from scratch with the sort of standards you want.

I think, considering she's just there 2 days a week, I would plan the meals myself or put food in the freezer/fridge for the nanny to heat up. She sounds as if she has no clue about cooking (and many young people are like this ) and may not know where to start.

I also think that the fact that she was known to the family (and particularly your daughters) before taking up her role isn't ideal. It would be hard for anyone to manage discipline if they were previously a friend/acquaintance of the children. You need someone who is in a specific role from the outset - a new face.

Good luck, OP, but I think: get rid and find someone a bit more professional!

Nah, you're right. The niggles are one thing, but if she can't control your kids effectively (assuming what you say is true and every other caregiver mananges fine with your kids), that's a red flag for safety IMO. You don't need to be worrying that your daughter will break out of her grip and run into a road or something.

If you've truly explicitly set these expectations around clean up/cooking with her as well, and shes choosing not to do it, let her go.

You and your partner need to sit down with Nanny and point out that you are not happy with some of her behavior. if ahe doesn't like it she will have to go.