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Original poster

Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

391 replies

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 14:58

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

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mummyoffourminimes · 15/04/2023 09:27

While I wouldn’t like my child eating it (and they wouldn’t give them that stuff at nursery), I don’t control what happens when they’re being looked after by their grandparents (who give them Nutella toast, crisps and magnums galore even though I wouldn’t at home!).

IMO fine if it's an occasional thing, not a regular twice days a week every week thing, I think that makes a difference.

Teapleasemilknosugar · 15/04/2023 09:29

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

Agree. Grandparents as grandparents can give the occasional treat, but grandparents as childcare follow the parents rules the same as any childcare would be expected to.

If you want to just be a grandparent, then don't be childcare.

Toomanybooks22 · 15/04/2023 09:29

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

This is a really horrible comment and I feel sorry for your family if that's the attitude you give them.

wonderinglywondering · 15/04/2023 09:31

I’d say if you want to keep doing it, abide by their rules. You don’t have to do the childcare though, it is a favour to them. They are being ridiculous. My parents are absolutely ridiculous with sugar, I have asked them time and time again not to be so over the top, but at the end of the day they are doing me a favour. I soon chilled out as my baby got older (older primary school aged now). My MIL made it clear she didn’t “get” BLW, but did it because that was what we asked. I don’t have any rules whatsoever now. Their house their rules!

Once their child is older this will soon drop by the wayside.

saraclara · 15/04/2023 09:37

Again, this isn't about the parents not wanting the child to have treats. Why is everyone missing the point?

The son DOES give the child biscuits and treats. He even did so in front of the grandparent who isn't allowed to. But for some reason they want to be the only treat givers. It's as if there's some kind of jealousy going on. Son and DIL want to be the good guys who give the treats, and grandma to be the bad guy who doesn't.

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 09:42

Agree @saraclara

It’s not that the parents don’t want their child to have treats - it would make perfect sense if they didn’t give them at home and wanted granny to follow suit. Instead, they give the child treats the five days he/she is at home and they give a child a biscuit from granny’s biscuit tin at home time - the same biscuit they don’t want granny to give him/him during the day.

NashvilleQueen · 15/04/2023 09:46

FFS what have we become?

I loved my own grandmother precisely because she was warm and cuddly and baked amazing coconut cakes. The whole point of a grandparent is to be a bit subversive of the 'rules'. And you should be at the heart of the family not some free childcare option where you get to see your own flesh and blood but only with stringent instructions in place.

How I wish my own wonderful mum was here to spoil my children with treat still.

I think they're mean and ridiculous but can see lots of others agree with them.

PollyThePixie · 15/04/2023 10:05

My MIL made it clear she didn’t “get” BLW, but did it because that was what we asked. I don’t have any rules whatsoever now. Their house their rules!

8 grandchildren in and BLW still scares me and I prefer not to have to do it. And I can’t say I get it either. But I do it, all the whilst sitting there running the baby Heimlich maneuver through my head just in case. 🙈😂

Then there are old ways (my ways) of doing things that my children prefer over the new ways.

It all works out in the end.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/04/2023 10:23

@PollyThePixie There is no additional risk with BLW. Babies are no more likely to choke, you just need to cut the food she appropriately (eg. carrots into batons that can fit through a fist, not circles etc.)

Research actually shows that babies who were traditionally weaned have a slightly higher risk of choking overall simply because they weren’t given the chance to develop their own skills eg. taking appropriate size bites, learning how to chew and swallow etc.

pizzaHeart · 15/04/2023 10:43

I actually changed my mind about the situation after reading your updates.
i wouldn’t like my child before 2 to eat crisps or even small chocolate bar - I don’t think it’s necessary. And I also agree that grapes are quite risky and strongly detest raisins as snack for small children: too sticky, risk of choking and a lot of people don’t wash them. I would rather give slices of sweet apple or pear, yogurt. I didn’t use squash as well : just water and milk.
However I disagree completely with your DS’s communication approach. Sorry, but he sounds unpleasant, controlling and manipulative. His comments about biscuits and your Christmas present were a bit strange. I also didn’t like how he approached the subject of childcare. It’s like he was really jealous of your help to his sister rather than he was in need of childcare. And it wasn’t your DIL who said about paid childcare, it was your son so you couldn’t be sure who’s behind all these rules. Not that the rules are so stupid but the approach is very odd.

By the way if they give cupcakes to their child are they homemade by any chance?

jellybe · 15/04/2023 10:47

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

Give over, a grandparent given the odd treat doesn't make them unsuitable to care for the DGC.
The odd treat with Grandma isn't going to harm them, assuming you aren't feeding them only junk food I don't see the problem. Or if they are being a real pain about it then make the day you have both a no treat day and spoil the grandchild who is allowed treats when you have them by themselves.

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 15/04/2023 10:53

@pizzaHeart no it was at a cafe. DDIL sent me a picture of DGC with his muffin and that frothy milk ‘pretend coffee’ that some cafes do for the little ones now. They go there semi-regularly, but I of course don’t know what DGC gets every time.

OP posts:
PollyThePixie · 15/04/2023 10:58

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/04/2023 10:23

@PollyThePixie There is no additional risk with BLW. Babies are no more likely to choke, you just need to cut the food she appropriately (eg. carrots into batons that can fit through a fist, not circles etc.)

Research actually shows that babies who were traditionally weaned have a slightly higher risk of choking overall simply because they weren’t given the chance to develop their own skills eg. taking appropriate size bites, learning how to chew and swallow etc.

Thank you.

I’m well up on the reasons for BLW after 8 grandchildren in 17 years. And I can’t say any of my 6 children ever choked when being weaned the way they were 33 - 44 years ago.

No doubt it will all change again in a few years to come just like so much in the babies and children nowadays. And then it will change again a few years after that.

Such is life.

PollyThePixie · 15/04/2023 10:59

However I disagree completely with your DS’s communication approach. Sorry, but he sounds unpleasant, controlling and manipulative. His comments about biscuits and your Christmas present were a bit strange. I also didn’t like how he approached the subject of childcare. It’s like he was really jealous of your help to his sister rather than he was in need of childcare. And it wasn’t your DIL who said about paid childcare, it was your son so you couldn’t be sure who’s behind all these rules. Not that the rules are so stupid but the approach is very odd

this is how I see it also.

SpareHeirOverThere · 15/04/2023 11:03

GrandmaNelly · 15/04/2023 08:42

wow, what a lot of responses. Thank you everyone.

I’ve lost the post where someone asked if I was overweight. No I’m not, I’m very active and grew up on dinners followed by pudding and custards etc. and made the same for me and my late DH. I encourage the DGC to be active as well.

Like other posters (who I think might be my generation or slightly younger) have said my pocket money was for treats and I had a fair helping of cloudy lemonade.

I absolutely do respect the parents wishes but just want a compromise where possible to make looking after both DGC a little easier. I think I’ll offer DS to have DGC2 on a separate day and see what he thinks, although I do think it’s a shame that the cousins won’t be together then.

Ok, now you are being ridiculous. I can't believe it's more important to continue to feed your dgc1 junk food than it is to keep both cousins together on a single day. You would rather swap to 4 days of childcare than 3, and keep the cousins apart, just so you can feed Pom Bears and mini Twix to a 3 year old?

You have created a problem that is easily solved. Switch to healthy snacks and replace the junk food cupboard with a fun activity. The 3yo will get over it pretty quickly.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/04/2023 11:18

I absolutely do respect the parents wishes but just want a compromise where possible to make looking after both DGC a little easier. I think I’ll offer DS to have DGC2 on a separate day and see what he thinks, although I do think it’s a shame that the cousins won’t be together then.

Sorry OP but that's ridiculous and passive aggressive. You acknowledge that the cousins enjoy being together, yet rather than find a mutually acceptable treat for the child of the Awkward Squad, you're going to deny the children this time together? That suggests that you think the snacks offered are more important than the social contact, which is surely j unlikely to be true. Are you worried that the kids who are allowed sweet snacks will have a strop if you offer them am alternative? I'm sure your DGC love their time with you, and together, and they'd still love it with different treats which didn't offend your son.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/04/2023 11:22

PollyThePixie · 15/04/2023 10:05

My MIL made it clear she didn’t “get” BLW, but did it because that was what we asked. I don’t have any rules whatsoever now. Their house their rules!

8 grandchildren in and BLW still scares me and I prefer not to have to do it. And I can’t say I get it either. But I do it, all the whilst sitting there running the baby Heimlich maneuver through my head just in case. 🙈😂

Then there are old ways (my ways) of doing things that my children prefer over the new ways.

It all works out in the end.

Baby-led weaning is hardly new - it's traditional in many places and was no doubt what used to happen here. I did it with my first 25 years ago and it wasn't that unusual then.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/04/2023 11:25

mummyoffourminimes · 15/04/2023 09:25

You've dug yourself a hole with the crap cupboard.

I'd try to wean your other DGC off the treats and replace with something fun as others have said.

Yes exactly - just refill the snack cupboard with things which are acceptable to Ungrateful Son. Ask him and DIL for suggestions. Kids will recognise it is still a treat if your attitude suggests that & it tastes nice.

jannier · 15/04/2023 12:01

GrandmaNelly · 15/04/2023 08:42

wow, what a lot of responses. Thank you everyone.

I’ve lost the post where someone asked if I was overweight. No I’m not, I’m very active and grew up on dinners followed by pudding and custards etc. and made the same for me and my late DH. I encourage the DGC to be active as well.

Like other posters (who I think might be my generation or slightly younger) have said my pocket money was for treats and I had a fair helping of cloudy lemonade.

I absolutely do respect the parents wishes but just want a compromise where possible to make looking after both DGC a little easier. I think I’ll offer DS to have DGC2 on a separate day and see what he thinks, although I do think it’s a shame that the cousins won’t be together then.

I honestly wouldn't do that your grandchild are going to grow up remembering the fantastic playdates with their gran not the treats not being there on one day. I'd explain to your daughter if it's questioned but just up fruit for a day to replace the sweet things.
Your son will just find another thing to moan about.

jannier · 15/04/2023 12:03

Oh and hide your treats when your son turns up and say I thought you were worried about your health so here's some fruit.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/04/2023 12:13

But what are you calling a treat? Chocolate, biscuits, ice cream? Can’t strawberries be a treat? Or an orange? Or make a smoothie? That way you get to give them a healthy treat.

and you can say to DS”goodness are you letting him have chocolate! I thought you were healthy” or not.

They do sound ungrateful. I’d pull him up on that.

pizzaHeart · 15/04/2023 12:15

GrandmaNelly · 15/04/2023 10:53

@pizzaHeart no it was at a cafe. DDIL sent me a picture of DGC with his muffin and that frothy milk ‘pretend coffee’ that some cafes do for the little ones now. They go there semi-regularly, but I of course don’t know what DGC gets every time.

Now I’m totally confused about their logic because any muffin somewhere at Costa or Nero has lots of calories and sugar.
So basically they are allowed to give child a biscuit but you are not.

Would they be ok with toast and jam, apple slices (skin removed), ice cream?
My sister’s grandson was allowed only specific baby biscuits so parents got her a pack and asked to give no more than two per day. Then some sort of Milky Way bar was added to the list - the same approach.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/04/2023 12:16

fruitbrewhaha · 15/04/2023 12:13

But what are you calling a treat? Chocolate, biscuits, ice cream? Can’t strawberries be a treat? Or an orange? Or make a smoothie? That way you get to give them a healthy treat.

and you can say to DS”goodness are you letting him have chocolate! I thought you were healthy” or not.

They do sound ungrateful. I’d pull him up on that.

She said it’s a chocolate bar, biscuit or crisps. Twice a day (the afternoon one only if they’ve been “well behaved”).

Original poster
GrandmaNelly · 15/04/2023 13:14

@pizzaHeart not ice cream, that’s included in the treats they want to give DGC. Haven’t asked/been told about jam so possibly, although I make my own and know how much sugar there is in jam, so possibly not, I don’t know. I include fruit at the meal times, I make up the majority of the plate with fruit and veg.

OP posts:
Wereongunoil · 15/04/2023 13:51

Ask them to provide something he can have at treat time with your granddaughter