Should a grandparent help out with childcare?

[Lollipopsandicecream]

Hi everyone,

Heads up on my long message but I thought it was important to give you full context. I hope you manage to make it to the end!

I have 2 kids (5 and 3 yo). My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work. My day consists of: morning routine, school run, go to work, after school pick up at 5pm, cook dinner, nighttime routine, and then get back to work till late evening. It’s been like this for a few months, work has been extremely stressful and the boys are great but have so much energy it’s been a lot and I’ve had anxiety, and panic attacks over the last couple of months just trying to manage everything.

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling and she even acknowledged how I don’t have the grandparent support like she did with me and said she would help out more. She never has stepped up. For example last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn’t do it and as she had booked trip couldn’t cancel it so she couldn’t even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!

I think this year she’s seen them about 6 times for family get togethers and then she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x. She lives about 25-30 mins drive from us.

About a month ago, there was an emergency at work, I called my mum crying and asked her if she could have the boys overnight whilst I got through the situation…. Silence and then said that my brother said he would come round to watch them. My 19yo brother who has never watched the kids before or any kids for that matter. I pleaded with her and she didn’t say anything. It couldn’t have been more clear to her how desperate I was at this time and I can’t get over her unwillingness to help me, in my time of need.

I’ve not spoken to her since.

I’m hoping for some takes that may help me understand if this is something I need to just make my peace with as I don’t want the boys to miss out on her but I’m struggling to get to a point where I feel like she deserves to have any time with them, if she can’t be there for us when we really need her.

thank you in advance!

Message of support:
I know it's a few days old now but feel the need to comment. My heart goes out to people who don't have the kind of support network me and my husband have.

My parents are amazing hands on grandparents (mum, dad & step mum- all of whom work full time but will ask to have the grandkids for sleep overs some weekends or in the school holidays, we go regularly to my dads for Sunday dinner etc). MIL is retired - I say retired- she hasn't worked since her 30s and she's now late 60s (no health issues)- she has got a lot more grandkids on her side as my husband has a lot of siblings- her attitude is "no one ever help me, I've done my time" - to me it sounds so bitter and "I've done my time" makes it sounds like a prison sentence- (her kids were all born 80s to mid 90s- the pill was readily available so not sure why she had 6 kids if it felt like a prison sentence). She's never done anything to make me feel she's particularly interested in her grandchildren, doesn't make a effort with us- we invite her occasionally for Sunday dinner but its not reciprocated (she is well off so it's not a case of not being able to afford to cook a roast) but wait for it...she complains of being lonely!! My parents eyes light up when they see their grandchildren, I doubt they will ever feel lonely. You reap what you sow.

Anyway- if someone I loved phoned me in tears, in an emergency I wouldn't hesitate to help them. Even if my next door neighbour knocked on my door in an emergency needing help- I would help if I could. I'd like to think my mum knows she can rely on me in times of need- and I know I can rely on her if I need emotional support or help with childcare.

It sounds as though your grandparents helped your mum out a lot and you helped with your younger brother but she is unwilling to reciprocate.

Mumsnet opinions seem to be that you either must do anything or nothing your adult kids expects of you. The word expect is perhaps the underpinning issue here. Also the ’I won’t speak to you if you do/don’t do what I wanted’ is just unpleasant, and probably counter productive. Perhaps asking Grandma what extra help looks like from her perspective and being grateful if it includes some childcare (even if it’s planned around her priorities not yours) might be a positive step?

Hey, I see this is an old thread but I completely get how you feel!
My eldest is 11 now and I've also got a 7 year old and my parents who live not even 10 miles up the road have never looked after my children at all. Even when I went into labour with my 2nd child my mum wouldn't look after my 1st, the dad of my children's mum had to leave work to look after him. Before they started school they had to come every where with me, dentists, doctors, hospital apps, god forbid a night off to have fun all I would love is just for there to be someone to have them for 30mins now and again for appointments
I cry myself to sleep most nights as its so lonely to not have anybody to help you
The one thing that gets me through is knowing that when I'm a nan I will never let my children feel like this, I will be there whenever they need me
There's going to be different opinions on here but I think its disgusting and selfish to let your own flesh and blood struggle alone while you stand back watching