Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Should a grandparent help out with childcare?

153 replies

Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:24

Hi everyone,

Heads up on my long message but I thought it was important to give you full context. I hope you manage to make it to the end!

I have 2 kids (5 and 3 yo). My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work. My day consists of: morning routine, school run, go to work, after school pick up at 5pm, cook dinner, nighttime routine, and then get back to work till late evening. It’s been like this for a few months, work has been extremely stressful and the boys are great but have so much energy it’s been a lot and I’ve had anxiety, and panic attacks over the last couple of months just trying to manage everything.

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling and she even acknowledged how I don’t have the grandparent support like she did with me and said she would help out more. She never has stepped up. For example last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn’t do it and as she had booked trip couldn’t cancel it so she couldn’t even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!

I think this year she’s seen them about 6 times for family get togethers and then she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x. She lives about 25-30 mins drive from us.

About a month ago, there was an emergency at work, I called my mum crying and asked her if she could have the boys overnight whilst I got through the situation…. Silence and then said that my brother said he would come round to watch them. My 19yo brother who has never watched the kids before or any kids for that matter. I pleaded with her and she didn’t say anything. It couldn’t have been more clear to her how desperate I was at this time and I can’t get over her unwillingness to help me, in my time of need.

I’ve not spoken to her since.

I’m hoping for some takes that may help me understand if this is something I need to just make my peace with as I don’t want the boys to miss out on her but I’m struggling to get to a point where I feel like she deserves to have any time with them, if she can’t be there for us when we really need her.

thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 07:08

Lapland123 · 27/10/2022 00:42

But in an emergency situation, and you are crying, looking fir help with the boys, why is their actual parent, their father, not called upon?

This is the correct question to ask, without doubt.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 07:15

I do not expect my mum to ease my load regularly

But you do!

she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x.

That's pretty regular.

I think it's unfair you expect a significant amount of sole childcare, so not just visiting & helping out while there, when she works too.

I would feel fairly resentful if I was expected to additional childcare as well as working - and I assume I'm much younger than your mum.

The main issue is with your DH not being available - you need to properly discuss this plus solutions, with him. If he can't be there (due to work?) can you then pay for additional help eg cleaner / au pair?

Then it's worth talking to your mum directly and asking how she could help. I agree it would be great if she could support you more, it's just I think your expectations are unreasonable.

theculture · 27/10/2022 07:18

I think it's very hard to give balanced advice given the info you have shared;

Scenario 1: your husband is a life saving one of a kind surgeon, busy but loving and caring and emotionally invested in the family, there is no nearby childcare and your mum has a good relationship with your DH and works part time
In the emergency she should have helped

Scenario 2: your husband makes no compromise in his work, leaves all child care and mental load for the family to you, your mum doesn't think this is a sustainable relationship and resents having to help when she herself has a full on full time job that tires her out to look after 2 young kids when she is getting older
You are unreasonable

Probably somewhere in between???

PeekAtYou · 27/10/2022 07:19

It would be great if she'd helped but I think you should accept that she doesn't want to and that she's more than happy with the current level of contact.

sleepwhenyouaredead · 27/10/2022 07:22

I never cease to find the responses on Mumsnet on GPs helping amazing. The OP has an emergency, her DH was involved in that emergency and her DM won't help out on a Friday night!
There is absolutely no way anyone in my family would do that. My parents helped ( when they could as they were in another country) with my DC and regularly took them in the summer. They now have a really great and independent relationship with their GC who phone/travel to see them regularly and now support them.
I realise this is not an option for everyone and some family relationships have broken down for all sorts of understandable reasons but if you do generally get on and are in good health why would you not help. I know its not obligatory etc but to hear your daughter crying on the phone and not do anything, really?

DarkMatternix · 27/10/2022 07:24

So your DH was involved in your work emergency? Do you work in the same place?

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 07:26

It does sound harsh but I think OP sounds like overall her expectations are unreasonable & I suspect this may influence her mum's reaction.

The 19 yo brother was available (tho he didn't want to stay overnight if I read that right?)

It really comes down to the relationship. Some GPs are amazing. I am fairly independent & my preference is to manage myself; my mum didn't live close in any case. I know others are different in what they prefer.

Fireballxl5 · 27/10/2022 07:27

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 07:08

This is the correct question to ask, without doubt.

Show quote history

Because the father was part of the emergency. Try reading the OP's posts.

@Lollipopsandicecream
No your dm doesn't have to help.
Yes, she's selfish and will never change.

Theydoyaknow · 27/10/2022 07:28

She HAS helped you! She has helped you a lot. You sound needy and entitled! Your kids are your responsibility and your husband’s. Make peace with that fact and you will be able to make peace with your mother.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 27/10/2022 07:29

I'm the opposite of you and a few others on this thread - I received a lot more help from my mum when my DC were little than she ever did from her own mum (my grandma). It's not a generational thing, it's a personal choice. Of course grandparents don't have to help out, but it's lovely if they do (especially for the emergency), and it's certainly one of the reasons why I have a much better, closer relationship with my mum than the relationship she had with her own mum. I'll never forget the support she and my dad have given me.

TheLoupGarou · 27/10/2022 07:31

@theculture has it right.

Also, what kind of emergency would require you to stay overnight at work? If your husband was involved surely there would be some understanding that one of you would need to leave?

As a nurse and have been late home many times but even I've never had to stay overnight outside of a nightshift.

I mean this kindly but your children are your responsibility not your mums. She isn't obliged to do childcare. I have no nearby family. In this situation either I or DH would have to leave and collect the children - even if it meant bringing them to work and sticking them in the staff room!

SpentDandelion · 27/10/2022 07:31

I haven't had any help at all, my Mum admits she's selfish and not maternal, ( as well as cold and hard) when my husband died my sons were still young, l thought she would have maybe stepped up, but No. Her reasoning is she never had any help. It's hard but in a way it makes you more determined to do a great job and my sons are older now and genuinely respect and appreciate all I've done. They are both really working hard and very driven, l have never been able to afford my own car and they want to help me out with that.
But they have no time for my Mum and never bother with her.

safetyfreak · 27/10/2022 07:36

My personal feeling on the matter is, if the grandparent does not work, lives nearby and has no health issue then they should be offering some help.

Yet many of these grandparents will expect their adult children to put their life on hold to care for them in old age. I think many will say no! kindness returns both ways.

Kabalagala · 27/10/2022 07:39

No, grandparents shouldn't HAVE to help.
But i think it's an almighty shame that families don't want to support each other. Raising children with little support is exhausting and lonely.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 07:40

Because the father was part of the emergency. Try reading the OP's posts.

Try not being so rude.

Her H was part of the 'emergency' (unspecified).

However OP's opening post says

My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work.
And

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling

So it's an ongoing issue, with her H unavailable to help.

OP has since focused on this one time but her starting position was her DM's general unavailability and her H's lack of involvement.

Try reading posts yourself, maybe?

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 07:41

safetyfreak · 27/10/2022 07:36

My personal feeling on the matter is, if the grandparent does not work, lives nearby and has no health issue then they should be offering some help.

Yet many of these grandparents will expect their adult children to put their life on hold to care for them in old age. I think many will say no! kindness returns both ways.

This GP does work & lives 30 minutes away - not exactly next door

EarringsandLipstick · 27/10/2022 07:42

Kabalagala · 27/10/2022 07:39

No, grandparents shouldn't HAVE to help.
But i think it's an almighty shame that families don't want to support each other. Raising children with little support is exhausting and lonely.

She's had support? The mum has taken them for days & overnights at least 4 times this year.

Maybe that's not loads to some people but it's not nothing.

It's also not her mum's job to step in due to OP's H being unavailable.

prescribingmum · 27/10/2022 07:43

It’s MN so you are going to be told you are unreasonable to expect any kind of help or support from a single family member and you must pay for it all.

In reality, I would be extremely insulted if my mum refused to help in those situations as families are there to help each other out. You were not asking for a regular arrangement but one off help here and there. To add insult to injury, she thought nothing of leaving you with grandparents when you were young and has acknowledged how much it helped her but can’t offer a fraction of the help to you.

I wouldn’t bother facilitating a relationship with my children and her in your shoes unless she’s willing to make some kind of effort too. These things require interest of both parties

TiddleyWink · 27/10/2022 07:48

You’re being a hit cryptic about your husband. You say he was ‘involved in the emergency’ you had at work - was he hurt/in an accident? Or just that he works at the same place so was also working? Regardless, sounds like that was a one off - why does he get to just check out of parenthood the whole time and yet it’s your mum you’re angry with?

I get why you wish you had more support from your DM but it’s been abundantly clear for some time that she’s not up for doing childcare for you so why do you keep pushing and pushing for it? Just accept you don’t have that support from her and make other arrangements, like perhaps expecting your husband to parent his children. Looking after a 3 and a 5 year old is too much for my mum too which of course I think is a shame and I’m envious of people who have more support, but it is what it is. You’ve had two overnights from her this year - my DH and I have literally never had overnight childcare, in six years. You’re being incredibly pushy and unreasonable and frankly, childish. Look closer to home if you actually want support in your current life as an apparent single parent.

ParsnipsAndPies · 27/10/2022 07:52

What happened in the end with the "emergency" situation at work that both you and your husband were involved in? Who had the children? And why does your husband bear zero responsibility for his kids but somehow your mum should?

Snugglemonkey · 27/10/2022 07:55

It is really shit that she was not able to help you and you are entitled to be upset by that. It is more helpful for you to think in terms of not able rather than not willing and I am glad you can make peace with it. Sometimes if we feel let down it is useful to write a letter to that person, saying anything you want and not screening yourself at all. Then destroy it. It helps release our feelings in a way that doesn't damage the relationship.

The situation with your job and your husband's us not tenable unless you have robust back up. It is rubbish that you don't have it, but that is the case. One or both of you need to step back a bit, reduce hours or change roles. It is untenable for you to be carrying so much. People very often only realise it really is too much when something massive happens to force change. Don't leave yourself vulnerable to that. You are currently the slowly boiling frog. Get out of the pot!

StillNotWarm · 27/10/2022 07:55

I think a couple of days with the kids, and a couple of overnights IS helping.

That said, my Mum made it very clear that the crises like you had last month were her childcare offers. And when we have asked, she has stepped up (going into labour with DS2, and DH abroad, DS 1blue lighted to hospital she drove up and did what was needed).

Sounds like you need to find an alternative emergency childcare solution - I've done this for a friend - as you don't have grandparents able and willing to do it.

red4321 · 27/10/2022 07:58

It's a bit hard to tell without knowing what your husband does. If he has a job like an A&E doctor, I can see that work would be inflexible.

If he's in a more regular corporate job, I wonder if your mum feels that he's not pulling his weight so feels she's enabling the situation by covering.

DenholmElliot1 · 27/10/2022 07:58

I'm also amazed at the emergency childcare situation.

You had an emergency at work, which meant you had to be away from home all night, and your husband was also out all night in connection with said emergency?

Could you tell us a bit more about this please?

You could have just said to your employer "I can't come, I have small children at home".

Holly60 · 27/10/2022 08:01

HeddaGarbled · 27/10/2022 00:32

It’s so unreasonable to expect your mum, who had no role nor say in the procreation of these children, to do things that you don’t expect your husband, the actual father of these children, to do.

It's interesting you say that because one consideration that I had when choosing to have children/choosing how many children to have, was that I needed to be able to commit to supporting my children for as long as they needed me, if I possibly could.

So we decided, yes we could commit to being an active involved parent (as long as we were alive!) as long as our kids needed that. And we decided we could probably support 2 children financially (if they needed it) and emotionally, well into adulthood. We hoped to be able to provide practically also, which we've already done. I would have loved a third CHILD, but we felt that a third adult child would make all of the above more of a stretch, so we stuck with 2.

Like OP this was all based on the fact that both of us had involved grandparents and witnessed how positive for us and our parents.

Having said that I understand that OP can't expect it, but I can also understand how frustrating it would be for your mum to not support you when you are desperate, especially when it sounds like her parents did benefit from grandparent support.

Swipe left for the next trending thread