Should a grandparent help out with childcare?

[Lollipopsandicecream]

Hi everyone,

Heads up on my long message but I thought it was important to give you full context. I hope you manage to make it to the end!

I have 2 kids (5 and 3 yo). My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work. My day consists of: morning routine, school run, go to work, after school pick up at 5pm, cook dinner, nighttime routine, and then get back to work till late evening. It’s been like this for a few months, work has been extremely stressful and the boys are great but have so much energy it’s been a lot and I’ve had anxiety, and panic attacks over the last couple of months just trying to manage everything.

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling and she even acknowledged how I don’t have the grandparent support like she did with me and said she would help out more. She never has stepped up. For example last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn’t do it and as she had booked trip couldn’t cancel it so she couldn’t even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!

I think this year she’s seen them about 6 times for family get togethers and then she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x. She lives about 25-30 mins drive from us.

About a month ago, there was an emergency at work, I called my mum crying and asked her if she could have the boys overnight whilst I got through the situation…. Silence and then said that my brother said he would come round to watch them. My 19yo brother who has never watched the kids before or any kids for that matter. I pleaded with her and she didn’t say anything. It couldn’t have been more clear to her how desperate I was at this time and I can’t get over her unwillingness to help me, in my time of need.

I’ve not spoken to her since.

I’m hoping for some takes that may help me understand if this is something I need to just make my peace with as I don’t want the boys to miss out on her but I’m struggling to get to a point where I feel like she deserves to have any time with them, if she can’t be there for us when we really need her.

thank you in advance!

My children's grandparents never help out. They don't have "grandparent" relationships at all with the children. They rock up here for a meal once in a blue moon and spend the entire time sat in the kitchen talking to the adults - usually arranging for a friend of theirs to pop in (from when they lived here) to kill 2 birds with one stone on the visit.
We've just accepted that this is the relationship they want and they don't want to be grandparents in any traditional sense. They moved even further away 12 months ago so definitely not going to improve. Similarly, we're not going to be in a position to help out any of and when they come to need assistance with shopping etc because of the distance now.

However, I do think you need to sit down with your husband and work out how he can be more present because it's not great just leaving you to manage everything because of work when you have work too. I think this is a bigger problem than the lack of outside support to be honest.

She is absolutely not obligated to look after your children unless she wants to.

Ringing up crying on multiple occasions is like the boy who cried wolf. How is she meant to know you're not turning on the waterworks for her?

I get it, we lived miles from either of our families.
My only regret is my dd's don't see my family as family because we saw them so infrequently. If I could go back and change anything, I would change that.

I totally get it op. She is still your mum and you are desperate for help.... I still support my adult DS and DD in loads of ways, because I factored in that they might need me for more than the 18 years of childhood...

This! Why can't your h share the load?

What are you going to do about your husband’s lack of parenting? When are you going to seek therapy for your anxiety? Can you afford an after school nanny to collect the kids and do dinner/bathtime?

You can’t expect your mum to look after your children when their dad is worked no img hours. You need to have a conversation with your husband about his absence.

OP you've been quite non-specific about the emergency, can you give a bit more info?

The reason I'm asking is that it could be that your mum is declining to help more than she is (and it does sound like she's already helped on some occasions) because she wants your DH to step up and she's trying to subtlety encourage this.

Of course it could be that she just doesn't want to take on lots more childcare or that she doesn't feel she can cope with young children. That's fine and actually good that she recognises the limitations.

It just sounds to me that your DH has fully checked out of family life with you and your DM is copping all the bad feeling about your situation. Maybe your DH can do nothing to change things, but maybe he can.

It’s a tough one. I’ve been in that situation with my in-laws.

The only thing I can say is prioritise your own little family. Get some help. Lean on and swap favours with friends. DC won’t always be small and there will be a point when you don’t need help. Let your mum come to you if she wants to see you all, you are too busy, and she’s not helping.

Mine are hurtling towards independence and I see a time when I’ll have loads of free time. That time will be for the parent who dropped everything to help me, not the others.

I have no grandparent support and I don't understand why either tbh they are all (4 of them including in laws) fit, well, young for a grandparent, retired, have lots of energy & time for other things and again both myself and my husband practically lived at grandparents growing up.
It's all very odd but alas fuck them. No I don't or can't expect anyone to look after my children so I've made my peace with it and have never said a word but I wish they would WANT to.

Sounds like your husband needs to step up though OP you sound like you have it all on your shoulders that needs to be rectified more than anything. You can't force grandparents to care for your kids but your husband certainly should be.

I'm a forces wife and i really bristled when you said "MIA" unless you did actually mean away for at least 6 months and in harm's way. Or actually missing

And yes, even that can be done with no family support. It's just wrong to expect someone else to interrupt theirs to fit in with your wishes. I would think it's a bit shit if people wouldn't rally round in an emergency, but that's not the same as having them on tap as routine.

It can be done, even during the tough bits.

Build up good friends, and make the support routine the swopping of favours with them.

It's a shame she doesn't but you can't demand it.

Only my FIL was still alive when I had children and he was only good for a bit of evening babysitting.

Can I ask more about your husband? You say he's MIA due to work but you're also working full time and well into the evening.

He is literally only MIA because you are there to sort out the kids. I'd say this is where the change needs to be.

Either he needs to step up, or one of you needs to rethink your work.

I was always envious of women who could work full time and progress their careers, knowing their mothers were there to pick up the slack. That wasn't an option for me so we had to adapt accordingly.

Does your mum suffer from anxiety?

I became a granny two years ago and I’ve found it very difficult having my granddaughter on my own. I do have her one day a week but my DH works from home so there’s always another adult there. I’ve never had her overnight and don’t want to as I know I’d not get any sleep at all!

Im confused....you had an emergency at work...overnight....that also involved your husband who works away all the time...how were you both needed in the same place if hes not st home due to work?

There's been a cultural shift. Boomers don't want to do this unpaid care work that they themselves benefitted from.

Also in your particular situation (ie not a single mum) I'd be looking to your DP first before a woman. Why should women pick up the work men refuse to do? What about the male grandparents? There is a bit of a dollop of sexism here...

But honestly I've been there and really sympathise with you.

This is how I feel. I would like them to want to. I valued it as a child

@HeddaGarbled It’s so unreasonable to expect your mum, who had no role nor say in the procreation of these children, to do things that you don’t expect your husband, the actual father of these children, to do.

This is spot on.

If I had my way, they would teach every girl still at school not to even think about having a child unless they were financially, emotionally, physically and mentally prepared to raise that child alone.

You all keep ‘grandparents’ when you actually mean the mums here. No mention of the granddads. Also OP DH is MIA and she is struggling and expecting her mum to step in. Her mum works and has supported her over the year but it’s not enough. The emergency I wonder if your mum is fed up being the default other parent as your DH is absent.

we need to stop with this focus on our mothers.

my grandmother would look after us whilst my grandfather sat in a different room waiting for his food and drinks and barely spoke to us. That was in the 70s and 80s.

times have changed thankfully with ladies working and allegedly more equality with fathers looking after their own children instead of being. Seen to ‘help’ -

We ladies need to stop with this misogyny- if we keep berating each other for lack of support with kids nothing will ever change.

This sounds tough but I don't think you can expect anyone, grandparents included, to watch your kids. Can you reduce your hours temporarily until they're a little older? Or can DH?

When we decided to have kids I decided to be a SAHM for this exact reason, yes our annual finances took a 43k hit, but it was our decision to have kids and therefore our responsibility to look after them.

Its difficult when there's pressure to be a career woman and home maker and mum, and all of the 'why should parenting be a woman's job' only adds to the stress of it all. Luckily for me I was MORE than happy to leave work and focus on being at home, but its not the done thing anymore and I'm sure many people will judge me for wanting to flounce about in an apron all day dusting cabinets and making cakes instead of chasing a career.

Oof tricky.

We don't have any help from grandparents. Tbf two of them work, one passed away quite young and the other lives overseas. It is hard though and this isn't the childhood I envisaged for my dcs, as we always had grandma round the corner and spent lots and lots of time with her. This doesn't seem to be the norm anymore though. The modern way is different.

Anyway, no she obviously shouldn't look after your dcs if she doesn't want to. Who would want that for them either? To be landed on begrudging relative who doesn't really want to look after them? Sounds grim.

That said, I can't imagine in years to come refusing to help my dcs with their dcs if I was healthy and able to. But at the same time it isn't obligatory and I'd be a bit miffed if someone made out it was.

It is rubbish that you are stuck with all the childcare responsibilities though. That needs to be sorted out somehow.

Not possible (or desirable) for everyone, but I've scaled back how much I work so I can spend more time with dcs and be at home if they're sent home sick etc. It's only temporary while they're small, but it's meant a lot less stress for all of us. Could one of you work a little less temporarily? Or could you outsource more childcare?

X posted with pp!

I'm from a multi generational extended family where everyone helps out. But don't underestimate how hard it is to look after young children when you've been out of that stage for a long time. My DM is late 60s now and simply doesn't have the energy to supervise my young dn's for longer than a few hours. Having them overnight would be unthinkable.
OPs mum is still working too! Her reneging on the weekend was bad but better than her taking them and not being able to look after them properly.

It's not on for her to not help in a crisis. If the boot was on the other foot, I guess that you would step up and help her.

In terms of day to day help with childcare, I don't think it's something you can expect. It sounds like she is someone who does not enjoy or cannot cope with childcare - given the time you spent with your grandparents when you were young and taking care of your brother.

To make it easier on you, I would focus on what you can do to make life easier. You or DH going part time, DH doing more, more paid-for childcare etc.

I'm also a FT working parent, as is DH with no family support and it's relentless hard work.

Sounds like you both priorities your work more over your family and expect your mum to pick up the slack. Surely your company would have to understand you wouldn't both be able to be there overnight for an emergency

Should? No.

Precisely!
Her dH doesn't seem remotely involved and yet she wants her DM doing his share.
Op seems to be making heavy weather of normal parenting duties.
You are blaming the wrong person Op

I honestly think if a grandparent wants to help then they will. When I go back to work next year, my mum and dad are having our boy once a week, and once a month overnight so my husband and I can have some time to ourselves/date nights etc. She always said she 'wanted to help look after any grandchildren she was blessed with' and that's on top of two part time jobs so she can give him everything she wants to (in her own words). They are very loving, capable and in the grand scheme of things, relatively young grandparents. Maybe your mum feels trapped by the commitment? Or feels she hasn't parented in a while so is lacking confidence?