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Original poster

Should a grandparent help out with childcare?

153 replies

Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:24

Hi everyone,

Heads up on my long message but I thought it was important to give you full context. I hope you manage to make it to the end!

I have 2 kids (5 and 3 yo). My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work. My day consists of: morning routine, school run, go to work, after school pick up at 5pm, cook dinner, nighttime routine, and then get back to work till late evening. It’s been like this for a few months, work has been extremely stressful and the boys are great but have so much energy it’s been a lot and I’ve had anxiety, and panic attacks over the last couple of months just trying to manage everything.

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling and she even acknowledged how I don’t have the grandparent support like she did with me and said she would help out more. She never has stepped up. For example last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn’t do it and as she had booked trip couldn’t cancel it so she couldn’t even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!

I think this year she’s seen them about 6 times for family get togethers and then she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x. She lives about 25-30 mins drive from us.

About a month ago, there was an emergency at work, I called my mum crying and asked her if she could have the boys overnight whilst I got through the situation…. Silence and then said that my brother said he would come round to watch them. My 19yo brother who has never watched the kids before or any kids for that matter. I pleaded with her and she didn’t say anything. It couldn’t have been more clear to her how desperate I was at this time and I can’t get over her unwillingness to help me, in my time of need.

I’ve not spoken to her since.

I’m hoping for some takes that may help me understand if this is something I need to just make my peace with as I don’t want the boys to miss out on her but I’m struggling to get to a point where I feel like she deserves to have any time with them, if she can’t be there for us when we really need her.

thank you in advance!

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DozyFox · 27/10/2022 09:21

I find the mumsnet attitude to this very different to real life experience, both in my own family and what I see in other people's families.

I find it totally bizarre to think I wouldn't help out any family member or friend in need. I don't recognise this "I don't legally have to, so I won't and how dare you ask" attitude I see on mumsnet. People who care about each other usually actively want to help each other.

For the record, my son is a year old and has only ever been looked after by anyone other than me or DH for a grand total of 3 hours, made up of three different occasions because we simply haven't wanted or needed the help yet. So I'm not just trying to justify my own childcare.

Another thing I've noticed on this thread - people saying that parents asking for help from grandparents is a parent expecting a grandparent to raise their child for them. Yet if you said the same thing about mothers who use childcare, you'd be ripped to threads.
So which is it?

knittingaddict · 27/10/2022 09:21

mynameisbrian · 27/10/2022 08:54

You all keep ‘grandparents’ when you actually mean the mums here. No mention of the granddads. Also OP DH is MIA and she is struggling and expecting her mum to step in. Her mum works and has supported her over the year but it’s not enough. The emergency I wonder if your mum is fed up being the default other parent as your DH is absent.

we need to stop with this focus on our mothers.

my grandmother would look after us whilst my grandfather sat in a different room waiting for his food and drinks and barely spoke to us. That was in the 70s and 80s.

times have changed thankfully with ladies working and allegedly more equality with fathers looking after their own children instead of being. Seen to ‘help’ -

We ladies need to stop with this misogyny- if we keep berating each other for lack of support with kids nothing will ever change.

Good post.

We have grandchildren and do a lot of child care. My husband is very involved but he still works so I do most of it. If he's available he is equally a hands on grandparent.

I agree that most of the time it is the women who did most of the childcare the first time round and are expected to do it all over again. That expectation needs to change. Even more so now that people are having their children later in life. The grandparents are in turn older and should be enjoying life, not exhausting themselves with the demands of small children.

Chewbecca · 27/10/2022 09:23

No, but your husband needs to do much more on an every day basis.

USaYwHatNow · 27/10/2022 09:23

@DozyFox absolutely! I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and the thought of them not helping me is just alien to me. They're amazing parents and have done so much for us but then I guess some people sadly don't have the same relationship. But you're right, there does seem to be a lot of straight down the line thinking on mumsnet when reality is often very different!

MissingGrandstand · 27/10/2022 09:27

Threads like this always suggest you shouldn't expect help. Just wanted to let you know I don't think you're being unreasonable, even if that's an unpopular opinion!

Similarly to you my parents had a lot of family help, and my mum offered help before I was pregnant (we had multiple conversations as without help I'd have struggled to work full time and DH would likely have had to leave his job).

If my mum then failed to help me out I'd be massively hurt so I completely understand where you're coming from. I'd like to think when my child is older I will also want to help them out!

I completely get that other people's circumstances are different and I feel desperately sorry for people who have no help, including single parents, but that doesn't change the fact that this is your individual circumstance and you have a right to feel hurt. I can also understand that withdrawing is your way of protecting yourself from constantly feeling upset by this, but maybe when you feel a bit stronger you could try a proper conversation with her and explain what you've said here?

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

PrestonNorthHen · 27/10/2022 09:28

USaYwHatNow · 27/10/2022 09:23

@DozyFox absolutely! I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and the thought of them not helping me is just alien to me. They're amazing parents and have done so much for us but then I guess some people sadly don't have the same relationship. But you're right, there does seem to be a lot of straight down the line thinking on mumsnet when reality is often very different!

If you read the Op the GM has seen them at 6 family occasions , had them overnight twice and for the day twice.
There is no suggestion she's doing nothing.

Op has anxiety and rings up crying over normal parenting.
The emergency was a work one but now has changed to involve the DH when she was asked why he didn't look after his own DC.
I think the GM is wise in stepping back.

gogohmm · 27/10/2022 09:33

I'm guessing that she wasn't a natural mother, the fact that you spent so much time with your grandparents indicates she may have struggled.

How was your relationship pre children?

We can't expect help from parents, personally I had zero from the in-laws and a handful of weeks from my parents (lived 200 miles away, still working)

courgettigreensadwater · 27/10/2022 09:55

Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:36

It’s surprising to me because I grew up spending so much time with my grandparents, most weekends in fact.

I think helping out is entirely dependent on the whole family situation. The fact you've said you spent most weekends with your grandparents though does make me think maybe your Mum likes an easy life Hmm like I say, not judging at all just an observation.

Bramblejoos · 27/10/2022 10:00

I think what happens is - Dm brings up DCs with lots of help from DGPs. Does not realise the amount of help or appreciate it.
When she is a DGM it doesn't occur to her to help her DD with DGC.
When her DD grows up and have their own DGC they offer to help as much as possible as they had no help with their DCs and on and on and on

Why can't you develop a relationship with DGF or DB to help in emergencies. Why do you want your DCs to have a relationship with your miserable DM?

angstridden2 · 27/10/2022 10:06

Looking after an energetic 5 year old and 3 year old alone is very demanding for a grandmother. I do it when asked, and love it but it’s very tiring and tbh I find the responsibility quite a strain, and the early morning waking makes me feel like a zombie. Perhaps this granny feels the same.

Shouldawouldacoulda30 · 27/10/2022 10:14

HNTFT but I actually cannot understand how a Mum can ignore her own child’s needs whatever their age !
My Mum would have dropped everything to help me out with the children for genuine emergency as I would for my daughter. I was actually on call yesterday because my daughter was worried about traffic and nursery pick up .
In fact I was quite disappointed when she got there in time !
And No I am not a dogsbody ,I say no if I can’t help but my daughter genuinely is so grateful if I can help .

Shouldawouldacoulda30 · 27/10/2022 10:17

MissingGrandstand · 27/10/2022 09:27

Threads like this always suggest you shouldn't expect help. Just wanted to let you know I don't think you're being unreasonable, even if that's an unpopular opinion!

Similarly to you my parents had a lot of family help, and my mum offered help before I was pregnant (we had multiple conversations as without help I'd have struggled to work full time and DH would likely have had to leave his job).

If my mum then failed to help me out I'd be massively hurt so I completely understand where you're coming from. I'd like to think when my child is older I will also want to help them out!

I completely get that other people's circumstances are different and I feel desperately sorry for people who have no help, including single parents, but that doesn't change the fact that this is your individual circumstance and you have a right to feel hurt. I can also understand that withdrawing is your way of protecting yourself from constantly feeling upset by this, but maybe when you feel a bit stronger you could try a proper conversation with her and explain what you've said here?

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

This …my words exactly.

ShesThunderstorms · 27/10/2022 10:18

No, they SHOULDNT, the don't have any obligation to help with your kids. But as family, it would be bloody nice if they did wouldn't it.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/10/2022 10:20

HeddaGarbled · 27/10/2022 00:32

It’s so unreasonable to expect your mum, who had no role nor say in the procreation of these children, to do things that you don’t expect your husband, the actual father of these children, to do.

Agree with this.

Grandma is being made a scapegoat here.

MrsKeats · 27/10/2022 10:45

Mumsnet thinks that no grandparent should help ever.
I wildly disagree though.
If grandparents are fit and a reasonable distance away why wouldn't they want to help their children? This attitude is seen as so weird abroad too.
I lived in Italy where all the generations help each other. All these grandparents not helping now you can bet will want you to help them as they age.
I have two children in their twenties and I can't imagine not helping if they were stuck/upset/poorly etc.

Ponderingwindow · 27/10/2022 19:12

a generational change makes absolute sense. The grandmothers of today worked their whole lives. They balanced children and childcare and through that exhaustion focused on the rest and relaxation that would come in retirement. The great-grandmothers often worked, but it wasn’t as ubiquitous and it wasn’t as full-time and for as many years as the next generation. We can’t expect women to raise children, work for decades, and then not get to enjoy retirement. It is women who we are really talking about. It’s not grandfathers who are really getting pressured to give up their well earned leisure time.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/10/2022 22:52

I read this as dh works long hours but also his mum was poorly so dh was looking after her

then work emergency happened - not sure what job you do and why it falls to you to work Friday night if don’t usually

what was the emergency ?

but to your op - no grandparents don’t have to help for childcare

yes be nice if they did when emergency but your mum doesn’t want to

thats her prerogative

sounds you like you need some after school help - maybe look at a cm /after school club or nanny for a few days

yes it’s a cost but no poor running yourself ragged

if it was an overnight stay and emergency - do uou not have any friends who would have said bring to mine. They can have a sleepover with my kids

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2022 23:16

There may well be a good reason for it...but it seems in your life..the 3 females you've mentioned:

  1. You. You're expected to work full time plus more plus do all the childcare
  2. You expect your mum to be the first helper to you
  3. Mil is poorly
The 3 possible males..
  1. The father. Does nothing, emergency or not, and is somehow blameless
  2. Your father. Not mentioned
  3. Your fil. Not mentioned
Why?
arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2022 23:17

Oh I forgot. 4th male. Your adult brother. Incapable.

CatSeany · 28/10/2022 01:54

I completely empathise with you. I don't think you can necessarily expect help, but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to hope for it. My parents live a couple of hours away and don't offer any help with childcare (obviously it's too long a drive to do anything frequently but I just mean taking them to the park or something when they visit so I can have an hour to myself). I think it's because they find the kids overwhelming and they don't want to admit it. I think they'd step up in an emergency though and I can understand you feeling disappointed when your mum didn't... especially since she'd said she would help out more.

SophieIsHereToday · 28/10/2022 07:12

Some families are the inverse of what you describe actually. When I grew up all my friends mum's didn't work, cost of living was low enough for one wage to cover, housing was affordable. My grandparents were war generation and needed to earn as much as possible to help their family. My nan worked a manual job on her feet until 5 years before retiring and then went to an office. My grandad was very active and I remember him driving us around, playing with us, cooking us dinner and doing the discipline if we needed. My nan was active too but she has less energy. My dad was largely brought up by his nan because of his mum and dad's workload.

I wonder whose experience is more common

Hard to generalise on that one I suspect

SophieIsHereToday · 28/10/2022 07:13

Ponderingwindow · 27/10/2022 19:12

a generational change makes absolute sense. The grandmothers of today worked their whole lives. They balanced children and childcare and through that exhaustion focused on the rest and relaxation that would come in retirement. The great-grandmothers often worked, but it wasn’t as ubiquitous and it wasn’t as full-time and for as many years as the next generation. We can’t expect women to raise children, work for decades, and then not get to enjoy retirement. It is women who we are really talking about. It’s not grandfathers who are really getting pressured to give up their well earned leisure time.

My previous message was in reply too your one :)

mdh2020 · 28/10/2022 08:03

There is no expectation on GPs to be involved or help out. When I was first a GP I was working full time. I have given up a lot of time for my GC but I did it willingly. We have friends who have clearly stated that they don’t feel they can cope with toddlers and have never looked after their GC and others who, like us, give up a couple of days a week. I would always step in for an emergency but that is my choice.

crossstitchingnana · 28/10/2022 08:06

If my dd called up in a desperate mess I don't think I could refuse to help. Might be problematic if I had work but I would do what I could. Maybe she feels anxious about being with them?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/10/2022 12:51

crossstitchingnana · 28/10/2022 08:06

If my dd called up in a desperate mess I don't think I could refuse to help. Might be problematic if I had work but I would do what I could. Maybe she feels anxious about being with them?

When parents have a lot of rules & regs babysitters MUST follow, it becomes too stressful and not worth the bother. That may be the case with some grands turning down the "opportunity."

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