Should a grandparent help out with childcare?

[Lollipopsandicecream]

Hi everyone,

Heads up on my long message but I thought it was important to give you full context. I hope you manage to make it to the end!

I have 2 kids (5 and 3 yo). My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work. My day consists of: morning routine, school run, go to work, after school pick up at 5pm, cook dinner, nighttime routine, and then get back to work till late evening. It’s been like this for a few months, work has been extremely stressful and the boys are great but have so much energy it’s been a lot and I’ve had anxiety, and panic attacks over the last couple of months just trying to manage everything.

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling and she even acknowledged how I don’t have the grandparent support like she did with me and said she would help out more. She never has stepped up. For example last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn’t do it and as she had booked trip couldn’t cancel it so she couldn’t even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!

I think this year she’s seen them about 6 times for family get togethers and then she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x. She lives about 25-30 mins drive from us.

About a month ago, there was an emergency at work, I called my mum crying and asked her if she could have the boys overnight whilst I got through the situation…. Silence and then said that my brother said he would come round to watch them. My 19yo brother who has never watched the kids before or any kids for that matter. I pleaded with her and she didn’t say anything. It couldn’t have been more clear to her how desperate I was at this time and I can’t get over her unwillingness to help me, in my time of need.

I’ve not spoken to her since.

I’m hoping for some takes that may help me understand if this is something I need to just make my peace with as I don’t want the boys to miss out on her but I’m struggling to get to a point where I feel like she deserves to have any time with them, if she can’t be there for us when we really need her.

thank you in advance!

Have you tried actually talking to her about this and finding out if there is something specific that she is struggling with? Seems very unfair to stop talking to her when there could be many explanations/barriers from her perspective that are stopping her helping

That is sad but at least it's an answer.

I suggest you stop looking at this thread now. There will be more people who raised 12 children alone in a hole in the ground with no support of any kind. This place has become a kind of comedy sketch about competitive martyrdom. It's tiresome.

The situation you describe she should’ve helped, did you ask why she said no?

However, grandparents don’t have to babysit. DM is 80 and loves it, but I think it’s probably rare. I would never expect her (at any age) to step up and babysit regularly. If you decide to bring a child into the world, it’s your responsibility to provide care etc. Your DH should be doing more than he is (medical emergency aside) what’s the excuse the rest of the time?

Times have changed. I went to my nanas for lunch during school as it was across the road and lived round the corner. She also didn’t work and became a nana when she was 40. My mum didn’t ask for help it’s just what you did then as families lived close to each other.

all my female friends work now. Use childcare and live further away from parents. My mum would never have been able to help in an emergency as she lived too far away and had my younger sister at home. She also worked so only had a couple of days off per week and sometimes worked overtime.

your mum works also and you mention she has a day off on Friday and you expected her to use it to lookafter your DC. I do think her not supporting you in an emergency is shocking but I would like to understand what this ‘emergency’ was given your DH was already there. She may have thought your attendance at this overnight emergency wasn’t required so wasn’t willing to change her plans.

also her suggesting you have kids early isn’t the same as offering herself up for childcare. Some people think it’s better to have kids when your younger . It’s really difficult to know if your afk is unreasonable or not as I have had support from my Mil but only in her terms she would rarely help in an emergency . Funny thing that we never expect fathers to offer any support. It’s alwYs our mothers that get berated whilst the dads can enjoy there work life balance without any bitterness from their adult kids.

In an actual emergency I would be pretty upset if an able and physically & mentally well grandparent couldn’t step up OP. But I’m with others in that I don’t expect anyone else to raise my kids…. Yes it would be lovely to have hands on grandparents but I don’t and the way my husband & I see it is that our parents have done their bit raising us and they have a right to relax and enjoy their retirement now. I do always make it clear to my MIL this does not equal no relationship with my kids, just that it should be a choice to visit for a catch up, not a chore. On rare occasions we would ask her to spend a couple hours so we could go out as a couple, but it was maybe 3 times a year, if that, and we always provided food and made sure all the tedious chores (feed, bath, homework etc) had already been completed.
Once you’ve raised your kids, worked hard all your life and your body is less physically able, do you think this is a kind thing to do? I do.

Ah OP while we shouldn't expect childcare from grandparents, I think in an emergency your mam should have helped out. That was a really crappy situation for you.

Like others I would wonder whether your mam just cant cope, particularly when you were shipped to GPs regularly and then helped look after your bro.

I really find it strange that on MN you should never expect grandparents to help with childcare. Isn't this what family is all about helping each other out in times of need? On a regular weekly or daily basis no I agree you should not expect that. However in this situation you were desperate because your husband was involved in the emergency.

I agree OP your mum was a bit shitty and didn't show love at all. Unfortunately this is the type who will expect you to be at their beck and call when they are elderly..

I notice that the OP has repeatedly ignored any points raised that her DH should step up. Appreciate he was involved in this one time emergency but in overall family life he's sounding pretty absent.

its a good idea just to accept that she finds it too much and see it as her loss relationship wise. Your brother on the other hand, it might be worth building the kids relationship with him, long term this could be enriching for everyone. He’s their uncle and childcare isn’t rocket science.

I’d also find a good babysitter and use them weekly to give yourself a break.

I’m an actual emergency, family should do everything they can to help.

on a day to day basis, it is not your mother’s responsibility to compensate for the way you have arranged your life. You don’t really explain why your husband isn’t doing his fair share of the parenting duties, but shifting them to your mother is not the default solution.

Your husband needs to reassess his work situation. He’s the parent, not your mum

I don’t know why but the dynamic has changed,my grandparents watched me and my brother everyday so my parents could work,neither my parents or il’s will help us with childcare even though we offered to pay them.

My parents would have helped me. They live too far away to do regular childcare, but have driven 3-4 hours before on very little notice to come and stay with us just because I was struggling. As a result, I prioritise their relationship with DC and put a lot of effort into organising to go see my parents and do things with them.

Yes, you can't expect your mother to help with childcare, but then she can't expect you (especially when so busy and stressed) to spend precious free time making a lot of effort with her. Relationships are based on reciprocity and commitment on both sides.

I think you would probably be less stressed if you accepted that she's never going to step up and provide the kind of reliable help you need. So you and your DH need to have a sensible conversation about balancing work with your children and whether you need extra help.

Possibly your mum doesn't really like children, if she sent you to grandparents so much. It's not everyone's style but clearly worked for her. She has been quite clear she's not interested in childcare.

Your husband needs to sort his priorities out. He has chose to o have children, has parental responsibility and is MIA. That's not good enough. Your complaints should be entirely directed at him rather than your mum.

Perhaps she has some anxiety around it? I suppose maybe like you have anxiety around certain issues (me and DH do too). It sounds like that was a reason for her getting cold feet with taking the kids away?

maybe she’d be willing to help out more if it was for short defined periods? But I think you and your DH need to discuss how to manage emergencies in future.

You said yourself that your mum works OP. I’m a grandparent and work too. I really don’t have the energy for childcare on top. Of course in an emergency I’d do my best - but only if I was sure I’d cope and it would be safe for my GC.

It sounds disappointing op particularly regarding the emergency but I don't think grandparents have a duty to look after their grandchildren. I may just be basing it on my experience where both sets of grandparents absolutely dote on the children but could never commit to regular childcare. My mum can barely cope with both (very well behaved!) children for an hour alone. They have never had them over night. We have just had to put work second for a bit and prioritise the children, j couldn't cope if my husband was MIA. If your husband can't step up a bit I would look into getting a nanny or regular childminder. Try to let go of the resentment too as it won't help anything and accept your mum just doesn't want to be used as childcare as frustrating as it is.

I'm with you OP I expect grandparents to support especially in emergencies as I grew up seeing that around me and also my mum going on about how much she wants grandchildren. She even says she would like me to have more (I'm a single parent)! She provides very little support which I have got used to now. I do get a bit jealous of other people's mums who are super hands on and actually love the chaos of having grandkids over

I do agree that grandparents are not entitled to childcare, however it's becoming very common these days for grandparents to refuse to help- despite them having an obscene amount of parental help when they had their children. It seems a bit unfair.

It's tough isn't it. I had support with first 2 from exh parents which was great (although they ignored me a lot of the time re parenting expectations)
With ds my parents are elderly so can't help and dh parents rarely offfer, they do help if we ask but often moan about it! It's hard trying to juggle everything. I ended up working part time as it was the only way we could work it. Annoying sil and bil work full time because both sets of parents help with child care so they have full support and no fees. I find it hard that they can afford treats etc because they are so well supported.

I live abroad and have no grandparent support. It’s just how it is. Grandparents don’t HAVE to help. There is no should or shouldn’t about it. It’s simply about whether or not they want to, and it sounds like your mum doesn’t want to, so that’s that really. Your husband needs to be helping more - they are his kids, not your mums. If his working hours aren’t working for your family life or making it impossible for you to cope and do your job too, then as a couple you need to decide what is the best course of action to take. It’s not your mums problem that your husband and you have got into an unworkable situation. I sympathise as I know it’s hard but it’s really not down to your mum to fix this.

1. No, grandparents shouldn't be obliged to provide childcare.

1. Your DH needs to step the fuck up. I appreciate that he couldn't help out the night of the emergency, but the rest of the time he surely could. If you have small children you don't get to completely opt out of parenting them, especially if your spouse also works. He shows you so little respect I am fuming for you. You must be on your knees.

1. My mother would never hear me cry, shrug and hang up the phone. Never. That was awful of her.

I get this but think you are taking the right approach by making peace with it.

Both sets of my grandparents helped a lot with my upbringing, I stayed round there, got picked up etc. My mum was a SAHM (because she wanted to and my dad was well enough paid for 1980s cost of living-my partner is not) My grandparents seemed to really enjoy it.

I had kids late, I'm risk averse and wanted to make sure I can now afford day care.

My parents used to nag me about giving them grandchildren which I felt was inappropriate at the time.

Currently there view is that they worked hard and now it's time for their leisure. Grandchildren are part of their leisure.

They don't help when we need it either. I didn't expect it but I thought they might want to given my circumstances. But they keep dropping big hints about how sorry they feel for their friends who are giving up their retirement years to look after their grandchildren. As in most of their friends do a days child care. My parents have looked after my daughter whilst that are visiting for fun and I need to go to the shops.

I feel like with the circumstances it's a bit odd: having had so much support themselves when their lifestyle was more comfortable, nagging for grandchildren (inappropriate actually) and then all their friends doing it. So I'm surprised but I never expected it and pleased I didn't wait until could afford childcare or we would be struggling. I feel a bit confused why they pushed so hard for me to have kids if they didn't want to be involved but hey families can be weird.

Do you think your mum is refusing because by helping she thinks she’d effectively be enabling your husband being “MIA”? Ie if she steps up nothing will change?