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Original poster

Should a grandparent help out with childcare?

153 replies

Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:24

Hi everyone,

Heads up on my long message but I thought it was important to give you full context. I hope you manage to make it to the end!

I have 2 kids (5 and 3 yo). My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work. My day consists of: morning routine, school run, go to work, after school pick up at 5pm, cook dinner, nighttime routine, and then get back to work till late evening. It’s been like this for a few months, work has been extremely stressful and the boys are great but have so much energy it’s been a lot and I’ve had anxiety, and panic attacks over the last couple of months just trying to manage everything.

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling and she even acknowledged how I don’t have the grandparent support like she did with me and said she would help out more. She never has stepped up. For example last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn’t do it and as she had booked trip couldn’t cancel it so she couldn’t even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!

I think this year she’s seen them about 6 times for family get togethers and then she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x. She lives about 25-30 mins drive from us.

About a month ago, there was an emergency at work, I called my mum crying and asked her if she could have the boys overnight whilst I got through the situation…. Silence and then said that my brother said he would come round to watch them. My 19yo brother who has never watched the kids before or any kids for that matter. I pleaded with her and she didn’t say anything. It couldn’t have been more clear to her how desperate I was at this time and I can’t get over her unwillingness to help me, in my time of need.

I’ve not spoken to her since.

I’m hoping for some takes that may help me understand if this is something I need to just make my peace with as I don’t want the boys to miss out on her but I’m struggling to get to a point where I feel like she deserves to have any time with them, if she can’t be there for us when we really need her.

thank you in advance!

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SpinningFloppa · 27/10/2022 00:27

I have 4 kids and I’m a single mum and my mum never helps or has my kids at all. You will be told on MN to never expect help from family.

MrsEricBana · 27/10/2022 00:31

It would be lovely if she helped you but she's not compelled to. A 3 & 5 year old boy might be too much for her to manage. My dcs grandparents did not help us at all either. Your situation does sound very difficult and I do sympathise.

HeddaGarbled · 27/10/2022 00:32

It’s so unreasonable to expect your mum, who had no role nor say in the procreation of these children, to do things that you don’t expect your husband, the actual father of these children, to do.

FrozenGhost · 27/10/2022 00:33

Sorry but I don't think you can expect it, no. There's no should or shouldn't about it, it's up to each person if they feel that they can help.

Don't forget your mum has helped out quite a bit, four babysitting sessions including two overnights in one year. That's quite a lot.

She didn't leave you stranded when you needed help, as you had someone offering, your brother. I think it was a little precious not to take him up on his offer. He is 19 years old and a loved trusted family member. He can get married, join the army, travel the world, become a politician and make laws. I'm sure he can keep an eye on two kids for a few hours.

Original poster
Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:36

It’s surprising to me because I grew up spending so much time with my grandparents, most weekends in fact.

OP posts:
POTC · 27/10/2022 00:37

Should she? No.
Yes, it might be helpful for you and nice for the children if she did but that doesn't mean she has to do it. They're your children not hers, they're also your husband's children and you haven't mentioned being annoyed at him or his family.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 27/10/2022 00:38

I can't imagine not helping if my ds or dil rang me crying needed some help or support with my dgc

DoodlePug · 27/10/2022 00:39

I think lots of grandparents like the idea and do want to help, but find proper, several times a week type care difficult.

Realistically you shouldn't expect any help at all, but if they're local I'd be a bit miffed if they never helped out.

We have 1 hour a week after school and one night a month from inlaws. DH says he went to his gran every lunch and most days after school and frequently on weekends. Doesn't sound fair but people have kids later these days so grandparents are often older so either find it too tiring or want to enjoy their retirement in a way their parents weren't able to.

Original poster
Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:39

I get that and I made my peace with how she wanted to be involved over the years but I thought she would at least be there if I was extremely desperate like the time a month ago.

OP posts:
Lapland123 · 27/10/2022 00:42

But in an emergency situation, and you are crying, looking fir help with the boys, why is their actual parent, their father, not called upon?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 00:43

Your mother still has children at home and you expect her to care for your kids? I'm sorry, op, but your children are your responsibility. Your mother has done her time, and while it might be nice of her to help you out, she may not have the reserves to manage it. I don't think you're being reasonable at all. Your mother didn't force you to have your kids, that's all on you.

FlibbertyGiblets · 27/10/2022 00:43

I know it feels unfair, but the truth is, she is not willing so that's that. You need to accept that grandchild childcare is not available. Source help from outside - this might be engaging the services of a babysitter.

Your husband's job is proving a pinch point - have a rethink of what his job could look like; this might mean finding a new job, transferring to a different dept, switching shifts.

Your own job is not sustainable, either! School run, work, pickup, tea and bed time, then back to work til late - what? WHY!

Original poster
Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:45

@HeddaGarbled actually she always wanted me to have children and even used to push me to have kids earlier…

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 27/10/2022 00:46

I still have children at home, much younger than 19 as well , doesn't stop me helping out. Even if I'm not always overly willing

I guess there's no need to worry about helping her out if she ever needs it op

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/10/2022 00:46

I think if she offers she should follow through. If it's an emergency she should help, because she is your mum and that role of supporting you isn't over when you turn eighteen. I can't imagine not helping my babies when they are adults and call me in tears and need me.
But I've raised two with zero support so I have a lot of compassion for how hard that is.
No one is under any obligation to help out though.

DoodlePug · 27/10/2022 00:47

Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:39

I get that and I made my peace with how she wanted to be involved over the years but I thought she would at least be there if I was extremely desperate like the time a month ago.

I am amazed she didn't help in this situation.

Are you sure there's nothing wrong? Illness, panic attacks, agrophobia?

Any conversations in the past which seemed to judge your life? In particular the lack of childcare from DH?

My inlaws very noticeably withdrew their support when we used the time they had DS in a way they disagreed with.

Dotcheck · 27/10/2022 00:47

She shouldn’t HAVE to, but of course it would be nice if she would.

Is there more to it? Does she still work? Is there a reason why your husband just cracks on with his career and you are left to manage everything? Perhaps she feels your husband should be doing more?

Maybe she’s never been able to manage, which is why your grandparents had to help in the first place

Original poster
Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:48

@FrozenGhost Any other time my brother would have been amazing but even when I explained to him that I wouldn’t be there he backtracked as I needed help overnight…

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 27/10/2022 00:49

No, they shouldn't have to.

Get the dad to step up and do his fair share. MIA, what's that about? Dodging responsibility I'm guessing.

Plus, pay for proper after school childcare.

You and your DP have created this mess. Sort it out.

Why is it all on your mum, and you've stopped talking to her ? WTAF???

How old are you?

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 00:49

I was going to suggest maybe she struggled being a mum, hence your grandparents were very involved. Maybe she thought she would be a more confident grandparent and realised she isn’t

Floomobal · 27/10/2022 00:52

No response to the multiple PPs pointing out that the DC’s father should be doing something, all the blame on your mum?

Original poster
Lollipopsandicecream · 27/10/2022 00:55

@POTC even more context my husband was involved in the emergency and his mum is in bad health. My mum is generally very vibrant and healthy. It was a Friday, she doesn’t work Fridays and it was the Friday night I needed her help.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 27/10/2022 00:56

Why isn’t their dad stepping in to help out? There are 2 actual parents but it’s expected of the single grandparent who also has children at home to step in? Does she also work? A small amount of emergency care is one thing but expecting someone to camp out at your house or take a 2 yo and 4 yo away for a weekend on their own is a very big ask. I think you’re really unreasonable to not speak to her because she wouldn’t do those things.

pimlicoanna · 27/10/2022 00:56

I don't think they should be expected to do childcare at all

grey12 · 27/10/2022 01:01

For some reason she doesn't want to help at all. Forget about her.

Your children can still see her for those family get togethers you mentioned.

Sorry..... it's not an easy situation at all.

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