Should a grandparent help out with childcare?

[Lollipopsandicecream]

Hi everyone,

Heads up on my long message but I thought it was important to give you full context. I hope you manage to make it to the end!

I have 2 kids (5 and 3 yo). My husband is pretty much MIA at the moment due to work. My day consists of: morning routine, school run, go to work, after school pick up at 5pm, cook dinner, nighttime routine, and then get back to work till late evening. It’s been like this for a few months, work has been extremely stressful and the boys are great but have so much energy it’s been a lot and I’ve had anxiety, and panic attacks over the last couple of months just trying to manage everything.

A few years back it was quite similar and I’d called my mum in tears as I was struggling and she even acknowledged how I don’t have the grandparent support like she did with me and said she would help out more. She never has stepped up. For example last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn’t do it and as she had booked trip couldn’t cancel it so she couldn’t even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!

I think this year she’s seen them about 6 times for family get togethers and then she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x. She lives about 25-30 mins drive from us.

About a month ago, there was an emergency at work, I called my mum crying and asked her if she could have the boys overnight whilst I got through the situation…. Silence and then said that my brother said he would come round to watch them. My 19yo brother who has never watched the kids before or any kids for that matter. I pleaded with her and she didn’t say anything. It couldn’t have been more clear to her how desperate I was at this time and I can’t get over her unwillingness to help me, in my time of need.

I’ve not spoken to her since.

I’m hoping for some takes that may help me understand if this is something I need to just make my peace with as I don’t want the boys to miss out on her but I’m struggling to get to a point where I feel like she deserves to have any time with them, if she can’t be there for us when we really need her.

thank you in advance!

Your childrens’ relationship
with their grandparent should be independent of your need for help with childcare. The relationship is for their benefit, I think you’re thinking about that in the wrong way. You’re annoyed with your mum but withdrawing from the relationship is punishing them as much as her

I think it's a lot for her.
Are your boys quite active? Most boys that age are a handful and perhaps she isn't confident.

You sounds run ragged and perhaps should get a babysitter so you can catch a break boys and again.

Not sure what gave everyone the impression that my mum has kids at home… he’s 19 and just happened to be home from uni.

I don’t expect her to have them all the time, made my peace that she couldn’t or didn’t want that sort of relationship a long time ago but when I’m desperate thought she would help me this one time.

I think you’re right those that mentioned that she did get a lot of support with me growing up and maybe she couldn’t cope with being a mum and can’t cope with the gc too. I used to help out with my brother a lot. There’s 14 years difference between us so I did a lot of childcare for my mum.

thank you

But if it was that desperate your husband should have helped. You sound very entitled.

For example last year when I asked for some help during a busy period she said she would and went as far to say she would take the boys on a weekend break then got cold feet to take them away, said she couldn’t do it and as she had booked trip couldn’t cancel it so she couldn’t even look after the boys for the period I needed her help!

I'm normally one for no help but the above is hysterically shit of her. Come on.

I have had zero overnights at all though so I think you have and that's great. I do think your mum's a tiny bit cheeky as she had loads of support.

I don't need to read your post. No grandparent should have to help. No reason or explanation needed.

You haven’t said anything about your husbands schedule. When is he going to step up and prioritise his family? If my husbands work meant he was missing in action from family life id expect him to find a new job asap.

i understand your feelings re your mum, but it is what it is. She doesn’t owe you childcare. Your husband on the other hand does owe his wife and children support and care.

I’m another one who thinks your DH should be the person who you turn to in the first instance.

This is MN where you’ll be told no, your kids you look after them. I find this attitude bewildering, family units have broken down, people have become so selfish. I’d do anything for my DC, and would be honoured to help raise their DC if they have any.

i say this as someone estranged from a parent, living abroad from all family and have zero help.

It’s a shame she won’t help in crisis situations but you’ve asked twice now and nothing. Probably time to accept it and move on. She doesn’t have to help on a regular more normal schedule either. Time to get proper rap around care if that’s what’s needed. My mum is quite similar, happy to offer, but when it comes to it she makes it difficult. She also doesn’t care for them (on the very rare occasion she’s helped) very well, so I’m happier paying for proper care.

If you were that desperate what did you husband do to help you? Is he aware that you’re struggling and desperate?

while it would be nice for your parent to help I find it odd that somehow your husband gets a pass and you’re upset at your parents.

I think this year she’s seen them about 6 times for family get togethers and then she’s had them overnight about 2x and had them for the day on her own about 2x.

This sounds pretty reasonable, tbh. Your mother isn’t required to be your unpaid childcare. She has them occasionally and that’s fair enough - even moreso as you’ve stated that she works.

Did you make any plans regarding childcare before you had kids or were you just assuming your mother would be available? And, as many of us have asked, where does your DH factor into all of this?

Just to clarify my husband was involved in the emergency so he couldn’t help. I do not expect my mum to ease my load regularly - that would be great but for those that missed it, I have over the years got used to how she wants to be a grandparent and I respect her choice.

my issue was this one occasion when I was crying for help and she turned her back on me. I always assumed that at a time like that she would be there for me.

The perspective that she just simply cannot cope, makes total sense given my experience growing up with all the support she had with me, and the help I gave her with my brother and the relationship she has with the gc.

I can see how I can get passed this now and make amends with her.

thank you again for taking the time to read and sharing your thoughts it’s been extremely helpful.

You said the problem was the same a few years ago
and since your eldest is 5 I presume your brother was 14 upwards and living at home until recently?
was your mum a single parent when she had help with childcare? You obviously don’t want to talk about your partner but I think that you do need to take on board that he should be the primary back up for you. Obviously not on the occasion of an emergency requiring you both out of the house. If it was a work emergency was it actually necessary for you to deal with it though? You can’t be on call if you’re in sole charge of children that’s not reasonable

How old is your mother? It might make a difference to the advice you’re offered. I became a grandma at 42 and did a lot of weekend childcare. Now I’m 64 with a great-grandchild and I definitely couldn’t do it now.

@Lollipopsandicecream I think your boys are still very young and maybe your mum can't cope with the ages?
Expecting her to watch you DC as childcare while you are busy at work isn't right. She may think once she starts doing this, she will have to do it all the time. I agree with others, dad should be there to help in these situations.

I also think she did help you out with your emergency by sending your brother. You just didn't want him to watch your boys. This isn't really your mums problem but yours.

If she is working herself, she just might not have the energy to look after 2 young children.

In the end, you need to accept that she won't help out and find another solution.

You are not alone in this. My mum lives abroad, DC see her once a year...
MIL adores DC1 and looked after DC1 all the time from around 6 months. DC2 arrived and all support has vanished.

I'm not cross or nagging her for childcare as DC2 is a pain in the backside. In the end its her loss and we/ I have learnt to cope.

Should a grandparent help with childcare? No they should not. If they can and want to, that’s up to them.

I made it crystal from early on that I wasn't providing childcare for my GC. I have a fairly severe health issue and decided to put myself first.
That being said I've always summoned the energy from somewhere in emergencies. I simply cannot imagine turning my back if one of my DDs rang me in tears.

No they shouldn't feel obligated to help.
It gets difficult when they start needing help and you are too broken, and still woking to help them.

The perspective that she just simply cannot cope, makes total sense given my experience growing up with all the support she had with me, and the help I gave her with my brother and the relationship she has with the gc

This OP.
For whatever reason, she is incapable of looking after them.

Weird that your husband has just checked out? Where is he?

It’s always sad when a relationship doesn’t live up to expectations, but once you’ve made peace with that, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship. You don’t need to punish her for not being who you want her to be. Maybe tell her you’re disappointed but that you accept her position and won’t ask again.

If you spent every weekend with grandparents is your mum not massively maternal? That won't necessarily change with grandchildren. Her son is only 19? Sounds like she's spent a long time of her life caregiving. It sucks OP, not everyone has the same level of support, it's not always this hard, it gets easier.

I agree that it is shitty that she enjoyed the benefit of having involved grandparents (you stayed with them every weekend? ) and she doesn't feel the need to pass that on and support you in the same way.

Very disappointing. You're entitled to feel that while acknowledging she's her own person and not obligated.

You sound exhausted. Do you have a relationship with a babysitter nearby?

No dont expect anything from anyone other than your husband . they are your children. Have you considered an au pair?