How to manage - Childcare with 2 under 3 and both working parents

Boogiewoogi · 2022-03-03T11:08:44+00:00

Hi Just looking for some advice. Child 2 is due this summer and we have a DD who has just turned 2. I’ll be taking 6 months off work as will my husband (for complicated reasons involving work commitments we both need to take the same time off) So as of January 2023 we will have 2 under 3 and I’m not sure how to juggle childcare. We both have senior corporate roles which sometimes have long hours and will be a mix of home / office working. I think we could sort it so we take it in turns to do days in the office and home, finishing earlier on the days we are at home. My DD currently goes to nursery 3 days a week and loves it, then MIL looks after her the other 2. What would be the best approach when new baby is here? I’m wondering if we could flip the days so DD stays at nursery 2 days a week, MIL looks after the baby those same 2 days a week, then perhaps we could get a nanny for the other 3 days a week? Ideally she would be happy to stay overnight 2 of those nights so that we can get a proper sleep before work. Would a role like that appeal? We each earn £100k+ so don’t qualify for any childcare help / funded hours but are obviously very lucky to be able to pay for help. Would be grateful for any advice!

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drspouse · 03/03/2022 11:27

With two children and long hours, most people advise a nanny.

Flatandhappy · 03/03/2022 11:51

Maybe ask your mil what she is willing to do before you see this as a logistics issue? As a grandparent who looks after a child I would think fuck you if you told me I could look after your new baby but not the child I had a relationship with.

RussianSpy101 · 03/03/2022 11:52

I would do a full time nanny and let MIL still have time with her grandchild(ren)

Original poster

Boogiewoogi · 03/03/2022 11:53

@Flatandhappy

Maybe ask your mil what she is willing to do before you see this as a logistics issue? As a grandparent who looks after a child I would think fuck you if you told me I could look after your new baby but not the child I had a relationship with.

Gosh what a rude reply!

My MIL has said she is very happy to help out in whatever way would be most useful

You’d really think “fuck you” to your son asking you to help out with a new baby?

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Fretfulmum · 03/03/2022 12:04

Similar position here OP. With 1 kid you can get away with some family help and nursery, manage illness and child activities between you. Two is much harder to balance and I think you’ll need a nanny. 2 kids unwell or 1 unwell and the other still needs to get to nursery is hard. Also is MIL capable of doing extended hours and more housekeeping in your home? Cooking for and feeding 2 kids takes much longer as does bedtime.
We have a nanny who does 4 days and she does everything for the kids- nursery run, meals, their washing and general tidying. We also have a cleaner twice a week. This enables us to work the hours we did without running ourselves into the ground when we are at home, so our work free time is good quality time spent with the kids without having to worry about household tasks

Fretfulmum · 03/03/2022 12:05

Btw eldest DS is in nursery 3 days, youngest with nanny everyday. DM comes over twice a week to help with eldest DS too which was agreed with nanny from the start and she is happy with. Some may not be so check at interview

Original poster

Boogiewoogi · 03/03/2022 12:09

@Fretfulmum

Similar position here OP. With 1 kid you can get away with some family help and nursery, manage illness and child activities between you. Two is much harder to balance and I think you’ll need a nanny. 2 kids unwell or 1 unwell and the other still needs to get to nursery is hard. Also is MIL capable of doing extended hours and more housekeeping in your home? Cooking for and feeding 2 kids takes much longer as does bedtime. We have a nanny who does 4 days and she does everything for the kids- nursery run, meals, their washing and general tidying. We also have a cleaner twice a week. This enables us to work the hours we did without running ourselves into the ground when we are at home, so our work free time is good quality time spent with the kids without having to worry about household tasks

This is so helpful, thank you

Your questions re MIL are exactly mine too, she is fantastic and said she’d be happy with whatever we suggest but I don’t want to overload her with childcare, I think even id find it overwhelming with 2 that small!

The other thing is that DD loves nursery and has little friends there so I think some time with children her age and not just the baby all the time would benefit her

Sounds like your nanny set up would work well, and perhaps we need our cleaner in more frequently too

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Woofwoofbarkbark · 03/03/2022 12:17

I don’t want to overload her with childcare, I think even id find it overwhelming with 2 that small!

You do realise you are about to have 2 that small right?! Or is it because you'll be working so much it won't be very overwhelming as someone else will be doing the brunt of the childcare and housework for you?

Either way, strange comment from someone who is about to have 2 small children!

Original poster

Boogiewoogi · 03/03/2022 12:20

@Woofwoofbarkbark

I don’t want to overload her with childcare, I think even id find it overwhelming with 2 that small!

You do realise you are about to have 2 that small right?! Or is it because you'll be working so much it won't be very overwhelming as someone else will be doing the brunt of the childcare and housework for you?

Either way, strange comment from someone who is about to have 2 small children!

Yes I think at times I’ll find it a challenge to have 2 that small, but ultimately they’re my children. But I’m being more considerate of a 75 year old woman who, by her own admission, is not as quick / strong as she used to be and might find it even more challenging

This is just a question about nannies / childcare, I have no idea why people keep picking apart the exact wording used and trying to make out I’m doing the wrong thing somehow

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Woofwoofbarkbark · 03/03/2022 12:22

Sounds like you need a 3rd parent who doesn't work!

Original poster

Boogiewoogi · 03/03/2022 12:23

@Woofwoofbarkbark

I don’t want to overload her with childcare, I think even id find it overwhelming with 2 that small!

You do realise you are about to have 2 that small right?! Or is it because you'll be working so much it won't be very overwhelming as someone else will be doing the brunt of the childcare and housework for you?

Either way, strange comment from someone who is about to have 2 small children!

Or is it because you’ll be working so much it won’t be overwhelming to as someone else will be doing the brunt of childcare and housework for you

Do you tell people who have their children in nurseries full time that other people are doing the brunt of childcare for them? So rude!

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MyDcAreMarvel · 03/03/2022 12:25

Maybe go part time and look after your own child three days a week.

RedskyThisNight · 03/03/2022 12:27

If you can afford it, getting a nanny would seem to be the best option (not sure you'd get one that works nights as well though ...). And MIL can take the children for blocks of time during the day if she wanted and more for the chance to spend quality time, than the need for childcare. Your DD is getting to the age, that she's likely to be proving more of a handful for an elderly GP without throwing a baby into the mix!

pitterpatterrain · 03/03/2022 12:30

It’s probably because you put your salary, brings out the happiness in people…

Me and DH work long hours, etc etc

We ended up with a childminder (could insert nanny here) + nursery - so youngest was with the CM FT until she was a bit older then went to a local nursery 2 days a week with the CM 3x days; and our eldest was 2 days nursery plus 2.5 days school nursery … which eventually went to school FT with the CM doing after school

Essentially anything goes

yummyscummymummy01 · 03/03/2022 12:34

Some of these responses are beyond rude!

Definitely a nanny. I have two aged 3 and one aged 5 and I can't tell you the amount of time we spend dealing with absences from school due to sickness etc, which a nanny would potentially deal with. DMIL could then spend quality time with your eldest perhaps taking them to classes or the like so she has some interaction with kids her age too?

karmakameleon · 03/03/2022 12:41

Definitely a full time nanny. And then your MIL can dip in and out as she’s wants to.

Also worth considering moving your eldest to the preschool attached to the primary that they are likely to go to. Often they do five half days so not useful for childcare (but won’t be an issue if you have a nanny) but helps DC make friends with the children that they are likely to be in school with and get used to school routines.

roses2 · 03/03/2022 12:46

We both have senior corporate roles

Pay for wrap around childcare for nursery pick ups. It's what I did up (and still do now that they are at school).

Original poster

Boogiewoogi · 03/03/2022 12:48

@MyDcAreMarvel

Maybe go part time and look after your own child three days a week.

Would you say this to a man? Or is this your general advice to any working woman?

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Original poster

Boogiewoogi · 03/03/2022 12:48

@RedskyThisNight

If you can afford it, getting a nanny would seem to be the best option (not sure you'd get one that works nights as well though ...). And MIL can take the children for blocks of time during the day if she wanted and more for the chance to spend quality time, than the need for childcare. Your DD is getting to the age, that she's likely to be proving more of a handful for an elderly GP without throwing a baby into the mix!

Thank you, that’s a really good idea

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Original poster

Boogiewoogi · 03/03/2022 12:49

@pitterpatterrain

It’s probably because you put your salary, brings out the happiness in people…

Me and DH work long hours, etc etc

We ended up with a childminder (could insert nanny here) + nursery - so youngest was with the CM FT until she was a bit older then went to a local nursery 2 days a week with the CM 3x days; and our eldest was 2 days nursery plus 2.5 days school nursery … which eventually went to school FT with the CM doing after school

Essentially anything goes

It’s infuriating, I only added it to say that we aren’t eligible for any additional hours otherwise everyone would say “it’s only until 3 then funding kicks in”

Good advice otherwise, thank you

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Original poster

Boogiewoogi · 03/03/2022 12:49

@karmakameleon

Definitely a full time nanny. And then your MIL can dip in and out as she’s wants to.

Also worth considering moving your eldest to the preschool attached to the primary that they are likely to go to. Often they do five half days so not useful for childcare (but won’t be an issue if you have a nanny) but helps DC make friends with the children that they are likely to be in school with and get used to school routines.

This is also a great idea, thank you

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nearlyspringyay · 03/03/2022 12:49

Christ some of these replies. No wonder there are so many threads on here about women being shafted bu the not DHs.

Nanny is the way forward op, keep the one in nursery in nursery too.

Jellycatrabbit · 03/03/2022 12:57

Slightly different ages but my MIL used to do two days with my oldest child, now she will be doing one day with each. She doesn't feel she can cope with two together and I don't want to ask any more of her but she still feels involved.

Fretfulmum · 03/03/2022 12:59

Ignore the unhelpful comments. You are right to question if your MIL can cope- my DM is amazing and is early 60s but 2 young kids is still a LOT for anybody. Using a combination of nursery/nanny/family is sensible. You have some back up when one of them is unable to help and the childcare burden is shared. Good luck and it will work itself out. (Also maybe ask some people in similar roles who you work with how they balance it all too)

istandwithukraine · 03/03/2022 13:18

I'd check the affordability of nannies - they are unaffordable by most "normal" peoples standards - I have 1 year old twins and a 5 year old - we have always used childminders - most are open 730am until 630pm

I'm the main earner by a considerable way. Very much career focused in a male dominated industry - I have a rule now that no matter where I am in the country I get home for bed time - I certainly don't do as many unpaid overtime hours as I did.