How to manage - Childcare with 2 under 3 and both working parents

[Boogiewoogi]

Hi

Just looking for some advice. Child 2 is due this summer and we have a DD who has just turned 2. I’ll be taking 6 months off work as will my husband (for complicated reasons involving work commitments we both need to take the same time off)

So as of January 2023 we will have 2 under 3 and I’m not sure how to juggle childcare.

We both have senior corporate roles which sometimes have long hours and will be a mix of home / office working. I think we could sort it so we take it in turns to do days in the office and home, finishing earlier on the days we are at home.

My DD currently goes to nursery 3 days a week and loves it, then MIL looks after her the other 2. What would be the best approach when new baby is here?

I’m wondering if we could flip the days so DD stays at nursery 2 days a week, MIL looks after the baby those same 2 days a week, then perhaps we could get a nanny for the other 3 days a week? Ideally she would be happy to stay overnight 2 of those nights so that we can get a proper sleep before work. Would a role like that appeal?

We each earn £100k+ so don’t qualify for any childcare help / funded hours but are obviously very lucky to be able to pay for help.

Would be grateful for any advice!

@Caspianberg

I would get a full time nanny tbh. A nanny will help with all day to day stuff child related at home like cook for children, and child’s laundry. Keep nursery a few mornings for eldest so they can play with other children. Nanny can focus on baby during that time alone. Then grandma gets to do the fun stuff. She can then take either child one morning or afternoon, or might be able to help as hoc babysitting one evening or weekends as she isn’t so busy weekdays with them.

This. Having a full-time nanny will give you flexibility and your MIL can take either the older one or the baby out when she likes to give them some 1-1 time. Maybe she might find a baby group or toddler group she likes to take them to each week? I'd also keep the older one in nursery 1-2 days per week - when she's 3, you'll get the 15 free hours which will cut your bill a bit.

As an aside, some of these responses are unbelievable! Yes, as a full-time working mum of 2 in a stressful job, you're going to need full-time childcare (and probably help in the house as well!).

Congrats on your pregnancy! Sorry you have had quite a rough ride on here...!

We have 2 with a 2 year gap, and I also went back to work at 6 months. My work is thankfully v flexible but my husband works really long hours, although he can be at home and dip in and out for tea and bath time as required. Just as an extra option to maybe consider, we do a nanny share. We had one for my first, so nanny looked after our baby and a friend's baby (we met them at antenatal classes so the babies were the same age!). That naturally came to an end just before my second turned 1, when my eldest started nursery through choice, and we started a new nanny share with a different nanny and different friends who conveniently also had a same age baby.

The nanny looks after our eldest as well for a couple of hours a week so we can go to the gym/run errands, but I don't expect her to do anything more than an hour and go out when she has all 3 of them although she said she is v happy to and offers. We all live v close, they spend their days based at the other family's house which makes it easier for drop offs and pick ups, but she also will collect/drop the baby off for us too. this works for us as the other parents work out of the house but I WFH all the time and my husband 2x a week and it's just easier for her if we aren't in her way.

It brings the cost of a nanny down but means you get the benefits of flexibility. Obviously this might not work for your logistics because of nursery drops and things, but it has been brilliant for us. There is much less time off due to sickness, and she's really flexible. She has done the odd overnight for us too, booked well in advance. Sometimes we 'buy' days from the other family and she just looks after our two instead of our friends baby (they are teachers and so are around in school holidays, so it helps us when nursery is closed as well).

Anyway just some food for thought of an alternative set up. you will work it out! My mum also comes once a week to help with a nursery pick up because she wants to, but she also says she finds it v exhausting with the two of them and I wouldn't ask her to look after both of them but she is v happy to have just one and wants to. She would be mortally offended if I said she was too old to care for them!

With 2 under 3 and two full time corporate jobs, a nanny / housekeeper plus additional time from your cleaner would provide a lot of flexibility and might free up some of your time to allow you to enjoy your time when you are at home.

As PP suggested, use the nursery attached to expected school

MiL can then work out hours and times to suit her. If she does find having both to be a bit much, she could have them one at a time to build a good relationship with her DGC.

Gosh, that's a massive massive ask of your MIL. Whatever she says. Many elderly people are quite capable, but my DC and nephews had a few 'accidents' over the years under PIL care, culminating in my nephew breaking both his wrists. A lack of judgement and underestimation of risks. Like it or not, it's a biological fact your MIL will be physiologically deteriorating in cognition, reasoning and comprehension, however she appears. Something to consider.

Regardless, we did have two under three for a while and both worked, although not silly hours. We paid for nursery and used family for emergencies and later, half terms.
Many many years on I'm glad we mostly muddled through ourselves. Consider too you will be beholden to some extent as MIL ages. Have seen people come unstuck with that down the line many a time.
Good luck.

Just posting to agree with the full time nanny option. Pop older dd into nursery a day or 2 a week as well. Leaves your lovely mother in law to enjoy her time with her grandchildren. Will be mega useful when they need taking to swimming lessons etc! Also v handy for nanny holidays or illness.

Its annoying that you can't quote a quote!!

Those are not the 2 only options. And if you move in circles with men who are unwilling to do less time at work that's on you.

@Woofwoofbarkbark

I don't think people are jealous. Its just hard to get your head around full time childcare when its not something you would morally do.

And of course people would say it to a man too.

This is not something that would ever be said to a man.

Some of the nastiness on this thread is unbelievable. So spiteful and envious of other people.

OP, you'll still get your 15 "free" hours of early years learning when they turn 3, it's not income-assessed. Some nurseries let you do eg 2 long days of 7.5 hours, others 5 mornings or 5 afternoons of 3 hours. Some let you pay to extend the hours (although Covid has ruined that in some places).

Perhaps on one or two of the nursery days/half days, your MIL can pick your DD up so she can still have some quality time with her?

No one tells men who earn high salaries to go part time to look after kids

I suggested to my Son in law, who is a very high earner, that he should go part time. He was chatting about how difficult it is, juggling everything and suggested Dd may work less hours. He’s never suggested it since

Why do people keep saying it wouldn't be said to a man?

What kinds of people do you all spend time with?

You all mean you wouldn't ever say it to a man?

@PearPickingPorky the 30 free hours is definitely income assessed and OP wouldn’t be eligible based on her original comments.

www.gov.uk/30-hours-free-childcare

But all 3yos get 15hrs it's only the 30hrs (pr additional 15 hrs) which is linked to salary.

Personally, I would keep my older one in Nursery 3 days a week, and got a nanny for youngest one who could also help with pick up and drop offs of eldest. Then reassess in a years time.

Having a nanny will also help when your eldest starts school and the hour hours are 9-3!!

Gosh some people really hate working mothers.

If you can afford it I’d get a full time nanny, youlll have better options if you’re hiring for full time too as your pool of candidates will be smaller with PT hours.

Keep eldest in nursery maybe mornings only the funded hours and ask MIL if she’d like to do pick ups a few times to keep her relationship with DD.

If MIL wants to look after baby too, find out what days work good for her and possibly time it with eldest being at nursery so nanny has a few hours to catch up on some household tasks.

You will be entitled to 15 hours regardless of income but if you choose a prep school with a nursery attached, some don’t accept any free hours. So if you are finance planning, look into potential schools now. We thought we’d get the 15 hours but our prep nursery doesn’t accept it

If you can comfortably cover the cost, I would definitely go for a full time nanny.
They would basically be in the sahp parent role and would cover things like children’s laundry/cooking, appointments, play dates, buying birthday presents, wardrobe management, world book day costumes and all the other child admin.

3 year olds can do preschool at whatever school they’re going to go to so they can make friends before school starts.

Keep Mil for occasional cover when nanny is off sick or on holiday.

Overnights - this is probably only practical if your nanny lives in. If the children wake in the night though consider the nanny can’t work all night AND all day the following day without a break - you will at least need to get someone to cover childcare for a few hours the next morning.
If you have a nanny who isn’t keen on doing nights then you can use night nannies, they’re usually self employed and charge around £15-£20 an hour.

Thank you SO MUCH for all the supportive and positive comments. I’ve checked DD’s future school and they do have the preschool /nursery option (whatever it’s called) with the 15 hours funded across 5 mornings.

So I think we will apply for her to go there aged 3, which is pretty much when we both return to work and will look for a nanny.

We will then just check in with MIL and see what she wants to do - any combo of ad hoc to cover nanny / looked after toddler / look after baby or any combo of those. I completely trust her still, she’s very “young” for her age and has worked in childcare all her life. We will continue to discuss / monitor though, and one of us will always be WFH so around in case it’s really needed.

I can’t believe some of the comments though, there are so many threads saying there is inequality between partners and the man earns so much more etc. But then when you have women earning the same as men there is vitriol there too, you can’t win!

It's got nothing to do with being male or female or how much anyone earns.

The only way its going to work with two jobs like that is to have a full time nanny. It also means that your MIL gets to do just the fun granny things with her GC. SHe might also be happy to offer you an afternoon at the weekend occasionally so you and DH can have some time together.

I'm sorry to disillusion you but even a live in nanny does not do nights - night wakings and early mornings remain parental responsibilities but as you both work you should be able to split the responsibilities - perhaps you doing everything until Midnight SUnday - Tuesday and DH midnight - morning and then switch so he does everything to midnight for the rest of the week and you the early mornings with SUnday mornings alternating between you.

I’ve just asked my husband and weirdly he says no one has ever
Asked him if he felt guilty going back to work after he had a baby
Told him his children shouldn’t be in childcare
Suggested he quit work or reduce his hours to look after his children
Asked about his childcare arrangements full stop
(He’s the lower earner)

So strange

@Woofwoofbarkbark

It's got nothing to do with being male or female or how much anyone earns.

You’re right, people don’t need to even work do they? Mortgages just pay for themselves, food is free after all, no one should have anything for themselves outside of the family home etc etc

@londonmummy1966

The only way its going to work with two jobs like that is to have a full time nanny. It also means that your MIL gets to do just the fun granny things with her GC. SHe might also be happy to offer you an afternoon at the weekend occasionally so you and DH can have some time together.

I'm sorry to disillusion you but even a live in nanny does not do nights - night wakings and early mornings remain parental responsibilities but as you both work you should be able to split the responsibilities - perhaps you doing everything until Midnight SUnday - Tuesday and DH midnight - morning and then switch so he does everything to midnight for the rest of the week and you the early mornings with SUnday mornings alternating between you.

If you’re prepared to pay for it, then you certainly can employ nannies to do overnights. Probably isn’t financially viable for most people to do more than occasionally though.

@londonmummy1966

The only way its going to work with two jobs like that is to have a full time nanny. It also means that your MIL gets to do just the fun granny things with her GC. SHe might also be happy to offer you an afternoon at the weekend occasionally so you and DH can have some time together.

I'm sorry to disillusion you but even a live in nanny does not do nights - night wakings and early mornings remain parental responsibilities but as you both work you should be able to split the responsibilities - perhaps you doing everything until Midnight SUnday - Tuesday and DH midnight - morning and then switch so he does everything to midnight for the rest of the week and you the early mornings with SUnday mornings alternating between you.

I didn’t really mean that a nanny would do every night, but DD is in a lovely habit of waking at 4.30-5am at the moment which is manageable because my husband and I take it in turns to get up with her, but with 2 and full time work I think it would be tough. Perhaps I’d look for a night nanny to do one night a week or something just to give a break

Yes a night many would work.

As others have said a day nanny even living in, is not responsible for night rimes. She should have set daytime working hours.

@ShirleyPhallus You know the “high family income” is BECAUSE the woman is working as well right?
If the op dropped two days a week their family income would still be £160k . If that’s not a high family income please clarify what is.

@carmenitapink I don’t know where you are getting £100k from I suggested the op work part time not stop working all together.