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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Grandparent asking for money for looking after my 9 month son

389 replies

Candyfloss11 · 04/01/2022 23:04

I have a 9 month old son and for the past year my mother has been living with me and my husband. She has helped us out a lot by looking after my son when both me and my husband are in a pinch. This has been great and much appreciated and at first i thought she was happy to help out because she expressed how much she wanted a grandchild before my son was born.

So we let her stay with us so she can spend more time with her grandchild. However she has recently said she now wants to be paid for looking after my son and is upset that we haven’t paid her at all. She did not indicate that she expected payment in the first place. Does this seem reasonable at all? Given that she is staying with us she has no expenses, she is divorced with no partner and is retired so it’s not like she has been missing out on any employment income anyway. We have also taken her to a few holidays with us as well.

If anything i’m more hurt that she feels this way, as my point of view us paying her feels like a transaction and not the fact that it’s her grandchild. I’m more than happy to pay for expenses that she might incur for looking after my son but in our case there isn't any because she lives with us. But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

OP posts:

OvaHere · 05/01/2022 10:20

I’m on mat leave at the moment but will be returning to work very soon. So will be needing full time childcare then.

Have you sorted out or enquired about any external childcare for this? It's not something that can be left until the last minute as nurseries and childminders often have waiting lists.

If you haven't your mother is perhaps rightly nervous that she will end up at the very least being the stop gap childcare. A bit of babysitting is quite different to doing full days of childcare every week.

I started a new job when one of my DC's was a baby. I had a nursery place lined up but there was a month between my start date and the place becoming available. I asked my Mum to help out which she did but I could tell she didn't enjoy it and an 8-6 day with a baby was a bit much for her. Fortunately it was only 2 days per week and for a short period of time.

It's possible the prospect is too much for your Mum and she's using payment as a way to articulate that.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 10:25

@Haffiana

I cannot believe this thread.

OP, if you employed a live in Nanny, you would provide ALL board and lodging AND pay a fair wage for childcare.

But no, you want it all for free, just because Grandma.

You are taking the fucking piss.

I think it’s because of the way it’s written, it’s written that she does a few hours a week, moved in for free and is demanding payment

It’s not until later the op basically drip feeds in that the mother is only staying temporarily to help out with new born, and hinting the op is expecting her to provide full time child care when she returns to work.

If it had been written “ my mum came to stay temporarily to help me out, but I’m returning to work full time now and want her to do full time child care as I’m returning to work, and expect it for free as she’s staying here free, and she’s a bit upset by it and thinks she should be paid if she’s to stay and do it full time” the responses would be very different.

Most respondents are doing so on the initial post. Not the drip feed.

shiningstar2 · 05/01/2022 10:27

You say your mother is retired but us she retirement age? I mean does she have a pension? You say she was s not cash strapped 'as far as you are aware'. I would be finding out about this. If she has no pension or actual source of income she may be very cash strapped but very reluctant to tell you this. Even though her living expenses are provided, everyone needs some personal money to just buy the odd item, maybe go out for coffee, maybe buy her grandchild something. No one wants to feel totally dependent on someone else for every incidental expense. Maybe she thought now that you are going back to work was a good time to broach this.

Puremule · 05/01/2022 10:28

Yep, she is worried about doing full time childcare for no payment which is understandable. Why should she be your unpaid childminder when you return to work full time? If you have no intention of paying her, let her go home and pay for a nursery for your child........always baffles me how people expect their parents to be overjoyed at being given the opportunity to provide full time childcare for no payment. They have brought up their OWN kids and should be enjoying their older years without being unpaid skivvies for you while you save paying out for nursery. Pay her...or pay someone else twice as much.

Wheresthebeach · 05/01/2022 10:36

Hmmm just reread your OP - But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work.

So you were expecting her to do full time child care for room and board? All because she wanted a grandchild? Hmmm...I think she's been quite smart to bring this up now. Gives you time to get sorted before going to work and she's pointing out that her time is valuable and should be respected. Yes take the room/board into account if this is going to be a long term arrangement but expecting child care when you return to work for 'love' is unreasonable.

Your DH doesn't want her there permanently, which makes sense. Def time for a nursery.

LillianGish · 05/01/2022 10:37

This your mum. Why can you not talk to her and find out what’s behind this? Where is she from? How long was expecting to come and stay with you? Does she speak to your child in her/your native language (invaluable if you are trying cultivate bilingualism)? Speaking as someone who didn’t live in the same country as either set of grandparents, I would consider it quite normal for a grandparent to stay for a time when a new grandchild was born and help out - without being paid for it! Moving in full time is another matter entirely and with Brexit this is now virtually impossible I would have thought. I might as well take my son to a nursery when I’m back at work suggests you were planning to use her for full-time childcare which is a completely different arrangement from her staying with you to spend some time with her grandchild - wanting to do the latter is an entirely different kettle of fish to agreeing to do the former.

Pod351 · 05/01/2022 10:39

@Haffiana

I cannot believe this thread.

OP, if you employed a live in Nanny, you would provide ALL board and lodging AND pay a fair wage for childcare.

But no, you want it all for free, just because Grandma.

You are taking the fucking piss.

The grandma is taking the piss I'm afraid. I'm guessing you might be a "grandma" lol

Ohmybod · 05/01/2022 10:40

First and foremost you have a communication problem. Each side here is making assumptions, not being direct and their needs/expectations are not being met. Have a frank discussion and agree that you’ll all be upfront going forward.

If you want her to keep looking after your DS, you should pay her but equally she needs to start contributing whilst staying at yours.

womaninatightspot · 05/01/2022 10:44

Do you think she's been happy to do a few hours a week but with it becoming full time with your return to work she thinks you should pay her going forward. Theres a big difference between helping out a couple of days and a 40-50 hour working week.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/01/2022 10:45

The grandma is taking the piss I'm afraid. I'm guessing you might be a "grandma" lol

Really? You expect people to provide full time childcare in return for board and lodging because "grandma"?

Even Victorian servants received some pay.

The key issue is whether or not the OP's mother is talking about pay for teh odd hour during mat leave or full time care after her return to work. Judging by her later post I read it as the full time care but unless OP comes back to clarify we can't be sure either way.

Pudmyboy · 05/01/2022 10:46

I think a conversation to get her side of things is definitely needed, as another poster mentioned, this has not come out of thin air.
Was there a discussion when she came, about exactly what would be expected?
Very hard to comment on without her side of things.
I'm sorry to read all the negative comments about her when there has been nothing from her side.

MadAntonia · 05/01/2022 10:47

The grandma is taking the piss I'm afraid. I'm guessing you might be a "grandma" lol

So, being a gramma (if indeed she is) invalidates her right to an opinion about...being a gramma?

Pod351 · 05/01/2022 10:48

@C8H10N4O2

The grandma is taking the piss I'm afraid. I'm guessing you might be a "grandma" lol

Really? You expect people to provide full time childcare in return for board and lodging because "grandma"?

Even Victorian servants received some pay.

I wasn't aware she wanted full time childcare. If that's the case, then I stand corrected!

Pod351 · 05/01/2022 10:48

@MadAntonia

The grandma is taking the piss I'm afraid. I'm guessing you might be a "grandma" lol

So, being a gramma (if indeed she is) invalidates her right to an opinion about...being a gramma?

No, how silly.

diddl · 05/01/2022 10:51

"But if she wants payment then i might as well take my son to a nursery when im back at work."

How many hours do you think that she should do in return for staying with you?

Would this mean that she lives with you until your baby starts school?

So a live in nanny for bed & board?

saraclara · 05/01/2022 11:03

Yep. If she was wanting payment for doing the odd hour here and there, I'd say that's very unreasonable of her. But if you are expecting her to do full time childcare for nothing other than bed and board, I'd say that's very unreasonable of you.

MadAntonia · 05/01/2022 11:08

I agree we have taken her for granted for the many times she’s helped us but she never really complained...

She shouldn’t have to.

Fair treatment from one’s own family shouldn’t be contingent on complaining.

How comfortable do you think she would have felt speaking up?

The fact that she loves her grandchild is being exploited.

I suspect her asking for payment is a way of trying to express this. If you give her an opportunity to talk about it, I’m sure it can be cleared up very easily.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2022 11:12

@saraclara

Exactly, it’s written like she wants payment for the odd hour but it seems the op wants her to provide free full time when she’s back to work. Which is totally unreasonable and not why the woman came over.

Haffiana · 05/01/2022 11:13

I wasn't aware she wanted full time childcare. If that's the case, then I stand corrected!

Well yeah. You didn't read the fucking thread. OP wants full time childcare for free from her own mother.

Pod351 · 05/01/2022 11:16

@Haffiana

I wasn't aware she wanted full time childcare. If that's the case, then I stand corrected!

Well yeah. You didn't read the fucking thread. OP wants full time childcare for free from her own mother.

Bless you, hope you feel better now. I don't have time to read the whole thread, sorry. Enjoy your day though :)

femfemlicious · 05/01/2022 11:17

It sounds like its tine for your mum to go back home. She came to help and she is no longer able to hrlp so she needs to end her trip?. Is she planning on staying forever?

ElftonWednesday · 05/01/2022 11:20

My mum lives with us but still contributes to household expenses. It costs her a lot less than living privately would, but still, it covers the extra costs -energy, food etc, of her living here.

I think you need to have a family discussion about how she finds looking after your DC - babies are exhausting - and to sort out your arrangements.

StrifeOfBath · 05/01/2022 11:21

I would say it has been lovely having her with you living as part of the family and spending time with her grandchild? and you are sorry if you misunderstood that she wanted payment, but while you are on maternity leave you haven’t budgeted for childcare costs and are yourselves on reduced income. Ask what her thoughts are.

Long (and even medium) term this isn’t sustainable. You will need reliable childcare to cover all your working hours, and of a kind you feel happy with. Also, unless your DH feels very relaxed and happy having your Mum in the household, this is very unfair on him.

I hope it is resolved with as little upset as possible.

A promise to visit her with your baby in the summer / an invitation to visit again … how far away does she live? A 2 hour flight or 12?

Haffiana · 05/01/2022 11:22

Bless you, hope you feel better now. I don't have time to read the whole thread, sorry. Enjoy your day though

How utterly disrespectful to OP to not bother to read the thread before mouthing off.

But wait - you have plenty of time to try to have the last word, eh? Maybe you could use that time more productively?

CatJumperTwat · 05/01/2022 11:27

Well yeah. You didn't read the fucking thread. OP wants full time childcare for free from her own mother.

Um no, she doesn't. Try taking your own advice.

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