Nanny is never home

[Strawberryjam45]

We have a nanny for our 17 month old DS. Nanny is great with DS, very loving , tidy, pro-active and generally nice to have around. The only thing is she's not around much. Her and DS shoot out the house after an hour of her arriving and then are back for lunch and nap time. They will then shoot out again and are back for bath and dinner. I'm WFH but stay in the upstairs office and out of their ways. Nanny tells me at the end of the day where they have been and it's usually the park or classes but sometimes it does seem they're just wondering aimlessly around the shops. It's not that they go out a lot that I have an issue with more that it seems to be the aim of their day, to find something to do just to get out every day. It seems a lot to me when they're out for 4-6 hours of the day which is quite usual.

Nanny also sometimes books classes near her home (20min drive). I have spoken to her about this before and understand that she's a single mum with a teen and that occasionally she'll want her teen to join her and DS. Happy for her to do this once every 2 weeks but it seems to me that it's more 1-2 a week. Advice please. I know some of you'll say she's keen to get out because I'm there but I'm really quite invisible. If I had to guess why she's out so often with DS it's because I think she finds being "just" at home with him boring.

@RobinPenguins

I’m not sure I’d want to stay in the house much with my employers there working too. And for a 17 month old, going to the shops can provide plenty of child centred learning - colours, shapes, types of fruit and vegetables etc.

A lot of people are acting like she’s simply taking a small child grocery shopping, which is understandable, often necessary and a good thing for toddlers to go along to. It can also be fun depending on how it’s done.

From what op has said, this isn’t what’s happening, rather she is taking the child along while she goes leisure shopping with her own teenager. So it is likely to be her spending time with her daughter/looking at clothes, not the child being made part of an experience.

Indeed. If you actually read my post you’ll see I have listed nanny competencies that one expects
Pivotal to being nanny is the childcare of child whilst parents work and the competencies I listed

I wouldn’t expect it from a childminder or a nursery either - this level of care is what I’d expect from a young babysitter. For example if I paid a relative or a friend’s child in their teens to watch my toddler for a few hours, I’d be fine with them walking round the shops with friends with the baby in a pushchair.

If I was paying a good wage (as you should for a nanny) I wouldn’t be happy with this.

Read the op latest up she’s happy with nanny,her son loves him
She’ll maybe make minor changes but is happy with the nanny

She’s obviously not happy with this though. That’s what I was responding to. I wasn’t saying sack the nanny she’s awful, I was saying I wouldn’t want this specific behaviour (biweekly shopping trips). So still relevant.

Although I think the best course of action would be just to tell the nanny I’m not happy and please can you do xyz instead of shopping with your daughter twice a week.

I expect op will make minor adjustments as she should
You need to be happy with your childcare choice.

Yes totally. I personally think it was the biggest stress for me in the first 5 years. There are so many pros and cons of each childcare option. I always liked the idea of a childminder but worried because you can’t see what they’re up to compared to a nursery where there’s lots of staff or a nanny who’s in your house. Very stressful in a way.

Oh god when I'm at home with a toddler I have to get out of the house too but for me it's a win win as I think kids need it too!!

I haven’t read all replies on here. I’m a nanny.
Yes I would expect your nanny to go out each day. Morning to park or groups , nap in afternoon and then possibly walk , activity again but all should be child centred . Not to shops . Although occasional trip to garden centre to see plants , fish etc fine.
Your nanny should be doing activities at home eg messy play, crafts , playing with toys , reading books.
Does your nanny have a childcare qualification?

Being out and about a d returning for structured naps is the best thing for your child's development. You're worrying about nothing.

@ClaraThree

I haven’t read all replies on here. I’m a nanny. Yes I would expect your nanny to go out each day. Morning to park or groups , nap in afternoon and then possibly walk , activity again but all should be child centred . Not to shops . Although occasional trip to garden centre to see plants , fish etc fine. Your nanny should be doing activities at home eg messy play, crafts , playing with toys , reading books. Does your nanny have a childcare qualification?

This ^

@Strawberryjam45

Your DS could benefit from a little more time at home to explore his interests in an unstructured safe environment eg crafting, painting, building blocks, imagination play, baking, messy play, water play. You should ask the nanny to schedule this in a few time a week.

Visiting the shops should be occasional and purposeful eg fine to pop in to pick up nappies or look at the Christmas lights, but there are better, more appropriate places to take a toddler for entertainment and education.

Nanny taking your DS to her home shouldn’t be happening. She’s not a childminder so her home is not inspected as child safe. Do you know who else is in the house? Presumably she isn’t insured to carry out her job there either so it puts her in a tricky position if DS has an accident.

Nanny taking DS out with her DD is problematic. You are blurring the boundaries of your relationship as her employer. Her DD is not your employee. She is an untrained, uninsured child. She is not contracted to be responsible for your DS. If it keeps your nanny happy, you may choose to allow her to bring her DD along on days out. You should clarify the boundaries and lines of responsibility in writing. Your DS should never ever be left in the care of the teenage DD.

Also if this is your long term nanny, you should insist that classes are near where you live so as he gets older, DS can make some local friends.

It sounds like she’s a very good nanny. I am always out and about with my daughter and I hate being stuck in the house. Especially if my partner is WFH and at risk of being disturbed. Maybe the teenager is really good with children and just wants to see her mum too. I know as a teenager I was babysitting kids at that age. I honestly cannot see the problem being out the house most of the time. It’s so much better for everyone than being stuck indoors every day. 20 minutes isn’t far to travel for a class at all. I will happy travel up to an hour if it’s something worth it. I also wouldn’t mind a nanny stopping off at the shops to pick up groceries or something. They tend to work long hours and days and when else would they get the chance to do so.

Maybe the teenager is really good with children and just wants to see her mum too. I know as a teenager I was babysitting kids at that age.

This isn’t really relevant. OP doesn’t have to consider whether a teenager is good with children or whether her nanny gets enough time to spend with her own teenager or do her errands. She is being paid to care for OP’s child, not to take care of her own personal things. Every once in a while, yes, but not regularly.

She isn’t babysitting as a favour to the op. She is being paid (usually in my experience nannies are the best paid childcare workers) to provide a service, not go shopping. And whether she works long hours or not is also not relevant. If she has absolutely no time to do her own errands she needs to look at reducing her working hours.

Umm, I disagree actually. As a parent you need to be setting up what classes you want your child to go to.

I would be very unhappy that my child was basically being dragged around shops. My 15 month old wouldn't enjoy that at all - is your child strapped in the buggy all day?

Our last but one nanny did lots of meeting her mates at soft play and that really annoyed me. It's basically a way of not having to do much and having a chat with your friends whilst I pay for the coffee.

My last nanny I worked out what activities I wanted her to do (swimming, a singing class, gym class, library) and then agreed a timetable.

I preferred them to go out in the morning and back for lunch / nap with maybe a short trip to the park in the afternoon before picking older siblings up from school. I'm sure left to her own devices she would have been meeting her friends in a coffee shop but whilst that is fine occasionally I wasn't happy for that to be a regular thing. Fine with your own child, not fine for a paid job. A trip to the bakery and greengrocer to buy lunch is good and educational. A trip round the local shopping centre aimlessly wandering around - not so good (and not
Something I do with my children on a regular basis anyhow as it's boring).

Nanny's should be doing creative stuff in the home too. Baking, painting, threading beads and just playing on the floor.

Meeting up with her teen, probably fine though.

When I was on mat leave I was always out. Either shopping or taking D.C. to classes. It's boring being at home all the time.

Yes nanny could do age appropriate activities at home but you want her to be happy working for you which makes for a good relationship with your D.C. . I think you're being unreasonable

@WimpoleHat

Being at home with a young child is boring.

Totally agree. But anyone who feels that way really shouldn’t consider taking a job as a nanny, surely?

Exactly. If you choose a job as a nanny, surely one of the skills you should have is being able to engage a child at home in constructive and enjoyable activities? Lots of us have jobs that have boring aspects, we manage to cope without going out and trailing round the shops or meeting our families and friends.

Anyone working in childcare shouldn't be finding being in with children tedious or boring if so they need to look at another job

Maybe the teenager is really good with children and just wants to see her mum too

But her mum is at work! Her mum is doing her job, which the OP is paying her to do….

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor
I run a group. Pre covid we would have 5 or 6 messy activities since opening we have had to consider the health risk so reduce sharing and as children have missed peddling bikes soft play climbing social interaction etc. That is currently our focus becouse that is what the children have shown they need. Also we don't do the individual focused attention for meeting each child's developmental needs that a childcare professional should be doing as we are a group setting and can't meet individual needs

I think you need to tell her what you want, so she knows. I once had an extremely busy nanny, and it turned out she was visiting her boyfriend! And another regularly sitting around with her mother. My 3 year iOS at the time actually asked me straights why they were "always going here and here". It seems reasonable to me to be out in the mornings, and sometimes all day, although definitely not all the time. They need time to sit snd play.

Also you need to know where they are going. They should be at toddler groups and classes and the park. Any socialising should around that, not the other way round, with the children fitting round them. Obviously it's good if they meet up with other nannies and their charges sometimes; mine always did, most weeks. You don't want them socially isolated.

It sounds like you need a review.

Yes nanny could do age appropriate activities at home but you want her to be happy working for you which makes for a good relationship with your D.C. . I think you're being unreasonable

But the primary concern isn't for the nanny to be happy, it's for the nanny to provide age-appropriate activities for the children (including at home where appropriate, e.g. messy/creative play). If she can't do that in a professional way (including putting on a 'happy face' when required even if she's bored out of her mind), she's in the wrong job. I frequently have to put on a happy face both in my work and for my DC when I'm secretly dying of boredom/tiredness/frustration.

I can't think of another profession where you're allowed to trail about shopping centres meeting friends and family because that's what makes you "happy" and otherwise your job will be "boring".

Most kids love paint, playdoh and all that shit. My DC literally jumps for joy when it's brought out. I hate it, as I'm sure do the nursery staff at his nursery. Tough shit to us. There are lots of activities which adults find messy, boring and tedious which are good for children.

I don’t know if your nanny was working during the pandemic but I was (as a nanny) homeschooling two older children and entertaining a then 2 year old all day inside the house. We did every indoor activity you could think of and it was HARD! We managed but once we had our freedom I have to say I was out a LOT! Especially with a parent at home.

Maybe the nanny is enjoying being out! It sounds like they are doing plenty of stuff child orientated such a groups, park and socialising! All important!

I like some chill time now and stay in many afternoons now. My charge enjoys lots of role play so it’s fine but my friend who has a 2 year old is out all day everyday (around nap) as her toddler seems quite destructive at home or just demands tv on. Seems happier our and about. Maybe that’s the case?

What about nursery staff? If it's boring being indoors all day with young children, would you be OK paying £50-60 a day for the staff to walk your child around the shopping centre and park and do personal errands everyday and just go back to the nursery for food and naps? Or would you prefer a more balanced approach, with child appropriate outings and free play and planned activities in the nursery building and garden?
Because that's really what a good nanny should be providing - opportunities and outings for children to socialise and experience real life, plus activities at home to enrich and encourage development, as well as acknowledging that children might just want some chill out time in a familiar place.

But the primary concern isn't for the nanny to be happy,

No, the primary concern is for the child to be happy. And OP’s is and adores the nanny. Maybe that’s the issue, who knows?

You are the employer and she is looking after your child. You need to manage the nanny as you would any other employee - especially so as she is in charge of (probably)the most important person in your life.

So you need to sit down with the nanny and tell her what you want her to do with your child and when. You can not leave it to her to make these decisions and then worry/complain if she makes choices you do not like. You need to communicate with her.

Can you have a timetable she sticks to? eg Morning park, afternoon baby class etc.? You should agree in advance what she is going to do and you should know where your child is and when.

From what you describe I would be concerned she is taking him to her home, a friends home, or meeting up with friends in a cafe or similar. That can sometimes be a good thing but you need to discuss and agree it in advance. And it is your responsibility as employer to make that happen.

She would probably welcome more guidance and support from you.