Nanny is never home

[Strawberryjam45]

We have a nanny for our 17 month old DS. Nanny is great with DS, very loving , tidy, pro-active and generally nice to have around. The only thing is she's not around much. Her and DS shoot out the house after an hour of her arriving and then are back for lunch and nap time. They will then shoot out again and are back for bath and dinner. I'm WFH but stay in the upstairs office and out of their ways. Nanny tells me at the end of the day where they have been and it's usually the park or classes but sometimes it does seem they're just wondering aimlessly around the shops. It's not that they go out a lot that I have an issue with more that it seems to be the aim of their day, to find something to do just to get out every day. It seems a lot to me when they're out for 4-6 hours of the day which is quite usual.

Nanny also sometimes books classes near her home (20min drive). I have spoken to her about this before and understand that she's a single mum with a teen and that occasionally she'll want her teen to join her and DS. Happy for her to do this once every 2 weeks but it seems to me that it's more 1-2 a week. Advice please. I know some of you'll say she's keen to get out because I'm there but I'm really quite invisible. If I had to guess why she's out so often with DS it's because I think she finds being "just" at home with him boring.

@Blossomtoes

Also while going to groups etc is good for your DC, it is an extra expense on you as well on top of paying your nanny and probably not always needed if your nanny is active and engaged

Those groups will involve socialising with other children. Pretty important for a kid born in lockdown, I’d have thought.

Well yes - I did say it was good for the DC!

Part of the value of going to groups is DC get to interact with others, part of it is outsourcing entertaining them to someone else (eg song time, setting up messy play etc), part of it is a bit of downtime for the parent (cup of tea and a biscuit while thr DC run round a playgroup.

Obviously I don’t begrudge a nanny sometimes wanting the downtime, but if they were doing loads of generic playgroups etc, I’d question whether it was always necessary.

How big is your house and garden? When we lived in a smaller house with a small garden I would leave at 9am, come back for lunch and nap, then out again until their dinner time. 18 month olds are hard work and energetic, and create a lot of mess! When my three were that age I’d structure a day like:class/museum/library/errands in the morning, lunch and nap, playground/walk in the afternoon, home for tv and dinner around 5.

Nanny sounds super,she takes baby out,isn’t in your way with 2 wfh parents
Going in the car,in the buggy, shopping are all regular & appropriate activities

When you’re a baby everything & everyone is exciting because it is all new,stimulating and something to do

Language acquisition, brain development, social skills are all reinforced in everyday activities of living eg walks,park,singing,nanny/parents talking to you. You don’t need to play shuve ha’penny and have nanny on a unicycle for it to be educational

This isn't a little baby, this is a 17 month old toddler. What about development of gross and fine motor skills?

I used to do this to just keep life interesting. The mother like you ended up asking me not to take the child out so much so we ended up just ambling around the house every afternoon. I have to say I much preferred it when I was allowed to take the child out but I do understand why the mother wanted me to stay in.

I get he is 17mth I read the Post, you’re really nitpicking & finding fault
He'll develop fine & gross motor skills playing, reaching for food,playing in park,attending baby groups
I genuinely can’t see the issue?you seem preoccupied nanny is having a doss and down time with son in tow
Nanny She really can’t win. I’d suggest a lockdown baby needs the external stimulation and getting out

@FreeBritnee

I used to do this to just keep life interesting. The mother like you ended up asking me not to take the child out so much so we ended up just ambling around the house every afternoon. I have to say I much preferred it when I was allowed to take the child out but I do understand why the mother wanted me to stay in.

But why were you "just ambling around the house"? Is that what your nanny training taught you to do? Surely you would plan things to do?

I genuinely can’t see the issue?you seem preoccupied nanny is having a doss and down time with son in tow

If I were to employ a nanny, I’d be wanting them to engage with my child. This would sometimes involve going out to baby classes/play in the park/play date with another child/feed the ducks etc etc. If as part of that, the nanny needed to pop to the chemist/the post office/grab a Costa? No problem. If, however, she was pushing my child round in a buggy while she went shopping with her daughter, or taking my child to her house, I’d think that was really off and very unprofessional.

MN for some reason can be very snippy around the issue of nannies.

Whilst I agree that it's nice to be outside for a couple of hours, your DS should be at home for some hours and she should be playing with him/interacting with him.

Not wheeling him round the shops in his buggy the whole day.

@EspressoDoubleShot. Sorry, I just don't see the value in young children spending long periods strapped into the buggy or restrained in the car seat, no matter where they are going or what they are seeing.

My DC went in the car, the buggy and shopping with us at that age and I'm sure they got something out of it, but it was more of a "needs must" thing. It wasn't how I'd have chosen for them to spend their day. I used reins for my child from when they started toddling (around 14 months) specifically to get them out of the buggy when we had to be out for long periods. But obviously pp have different views on this.

Op,has said she doesn’t have a problem if the child occasionally goes to nanny house

I think there’s a bit of a convoluted notion of structured activities vs activities of daily living. When you’re a child everything is exciting and new. They are learning sponges they just soak up learning . Learning doesn’t need to be formal, it has its place but it’s not only kind of Learning

Overall have a think Is nanny

kind?
Is she safe?
Thoughtful?
Reliable?

Long periods in a car is 45+min not a 20min drive
I’m not saying strap the child in car for long times on a regular basis to avoid engaging

Quite honestly ,I cant see any problem here at all TBH! She sounds great and with her DD along to help out surely a win win situation.When I was a Nursery School Teacher ,we would have girls and some boys as well doing work experience, and helping us an awful lot as well! She is out but brings baby home for lunch and a nap .Presumably you can see Babe at lunch for a while .Afterwards can work quietly .Whats not to like here?

No idea what the problem is. And clearly neither has she.

This seems to be the case with any MN thread about nannies.

Every single time I read one it's a woman complaining that a poorer woman doesn't do exactly what she thinks she should, but somehow can't talk to her about it.

Baffling

Op,has said she doesn’t have a problem if the child occasionally goes to nanny house

Once a fortnight. Not twice a week as she’s doing at the moment…and deliberately booking classes near there to do so.

One of the TAs at my DD’s school left after she had her baby and one of the mothers employed her as her nanny. The arrangement was that she brought her own little girl with her at all times. Saved her paying for childcare and the mother got a cheaper and reliable nanny. Worked well on all fronts. If OP had agreed a similar arrangement with her nanny (that she looked after the OP’s son in her house while she got other things done and had her own DD to look after), then that would be fine. But she didn’t. She thought she was employing someone just to look after her son. And she’s potentially getting a different service from the one she’s paying for.

I think the thing I'd be most concerned about is whether she is 100% focused on your son, as that is actually the purpose of her job, and what you are paying her for!
If you looked at the list of responsibilities for the 'Gold Standard' nanny agency, Norland, you wouldn't find shopping trips and outings with a family member on the list of recommended activities. It sounds a bit as if your DS 'goes along too' to whatever her and her daughter fancy doing, which isn't really what should be happening.

@crazyguineapiglady

Nannies earn £30k-£60k so it's not just keeping kids warm and fed.

Pahahahahah do they??! If they're a Norland perhaps

Every single time I read one it's a woman complaining that a poorer woman doesn't do exactly what she thinks she should, but somehow can't talk to her about it.

I can see why it’s bloody difficult- because it involves her child. And very directly. It’s a very, very different kettle of fish from complaining that her her hasn’t been done as she asked, or that the cleaner hasn’t mopped the floor or that her junior in the office hasn’t finished a report. It involves her little boy, who presumably (hopefully) is attached to this lady and will be unsettled if she leaves.

…sorry - that her hair hasn’t been done as she asked…

I think it’s a misplaced notion a nanny must behave like a governess with a child under her tutelage engaged in a cycle of enrichment & learning. A notion that everyday activities are not educational enough and will result in the child being under stimulated. Hence the shops,baby group,post office is not enriching enough.

The op and her partner wfh, that’s quite oppressive for the nanny to be expected to be in with child and the two wfh parents

The nanny is out all day because you are at home, please go back to the office hope this helps

@EvilPea

I think children do need an element of the mundane. There’s a lot to learn in the supermarket trip, different sights, sounds and smells. New people with different emotions on their faces. I used to get the dc to draw the shopping list and “find the red pepper or the green one”

The teen coming along is probably practical as well. She won’t need to take yours in to a toilet etc.
I can’t see a problem. What do you want her doing

Agree. As long as the baby is safe, looked after and stimulated it sounds like a nice day. Most babies have to fit around normal life and routines. They turn out fine.

Honestly, all of my bosses are lovely, but every time I say something that happened and the mum goes 'oh yes I heard!' I die a little bit inside. You may not intentionally be checking up on your nanny, but the fact that you are there to hear every meltdown is stressful

@EspressoDoubleShot. I don't think it's expecting too much of a nanny to ask her to break out the playdoh or do some painting or cooking once in a while. Or to play doctors or teddy-bear tea parties. Most parents manage to do these sorts of things with their children.

If I just wanted someone to cart my child around the shops, play group and post office while someone else provides the entertainment, I wouldn't need a highly qualified nanny. Why do professional nanny courses typically involve a 'learning through play' element if actually nannies can't be expected to play with the children?

When DC were small I made friends with a woman who imo was the best nanny ever. Just perfect. She was out of the house all the time too. One planned activity each day (soft play/play group/music group/swimming/baby yoga etc) and one outing for fresh air/exercise (park/playpark) or stimulation (shops/market/bus or train ride). She said it kept her sane and in contact with other adults. I followed her advice and it really helped me. Could be you just have a good nanny.