Childminder terminated contract on first day because of behaviour

[MrDaddio]

Hi everyone. I was just looking for a little advice. It was our 4 year old's first day at his new childminders on Thursday. He started school on Monday.
He's usually very good except for one off incidents of pushing or hitting 2 or 3 times a year, but after his first stay with the childminder of only two hours she has said she can no longer have him because of his behaviour (hitting, throwing and pushing.) She gave examples, but it really sounds nothing like him. My hunch is that she just wasn't willing to spend enough time getting him settled and stimulated doing something.
Anyway, my question is: would any other parents have been happy with this happening to them if they knew it was unusual behaviour for their child? I am thinking of leaving a moderate/pragmatic review covering my dissatisfaction (nothing too angry, just disappointed and feel she should have done more.)

It sounds the perfect storm to her honest - a 4 year old with new school anxiety, excitement and tiredness collected by a new CM in another different setting and more new younger children. He obviously shouldn't hit and push as it is not acceptable but I can see why he reacted. Dont blame the CM, prepare your DC more.

Better that than an unhappy and somewhat violent child.

The above was to @jannier

@LoisLane66

Better that than an unhappy and somewhat violent child.

Better what? A sahm? You can't be serious, suggesting there's no other alternative.

How would you feel if your child was being hit or harmed by another child's actions?
I have been the parent of the hurt child, the childminder was right!

@LoisLane66
There are plenty of reasons why it might be better to be working....food, heating, roof overhead, parents mental health......many children witnessed abuse, were abused, suffered neglect, saw parents struggling financially etc. During lockdown when most were stay at home mums or dads.referals rocketed and we are still dealing with the aftermath.

It's possible an experienced childminder can tell which child is going to be an issue, and which one isn't and she's developed a zero tolerance approach to the ones she thinks are going to be a problem in the group.

If he hit other children, remember that if they told their mothers the childminder then has to answer to them. You child had years ahead of him and he's still so small, but unfortunately his behaviour isn't settled enough at the moment. However, just try another childminder and see what they say.

It seems mean and I don’t think most childminders would do it but they are well within their right too - that’s a perk of the job, if you prefer ‘easy’ kids you can make that call. Not much you can do. If you go with another childminder and you know he can have outbursts where he hits other children I would be more upfront about it.

As others have said - posting feedback is the least of your worries. If you truly want to know how your child’s behaviour is , you could have a word with teachers and ask them to be honest. It’s not at all unnatural that your child’s behaviour would deteriorate due to exhaustion ( starting school is vvv toting for even those who have been in ft nursery) and perhaps the CM should have made allowances- however it’s not her job to socialise your child or take on a “ difficult “ child of it makes looking after her other children too risky.

Well, unless op addresses the issue she's going to encounter plenty more "mean" childminders along the way, only wanting to have easy (aka non violent) mindees.

I think some of the judgment on here may have scared the OP away. Without being there or knowing more details it is impossible to say if the childminder was unreasonable or not, and as others say she does have to consider other children. But I do know my DS bit another child in the first few weeks of reception. I was mortified when the teacher told me. But two years later he has never been in trouble for being violent in school again, and he was never in trouble in the two years before that in nursery or playgroup (and luckily one of the staff members was same from nursery to reception and she said how out of character it was). So starting reception can affect them I surprising ways sometimes I think. (Mind you he's not exactly always an angel at home so I think sometimes he's bottled it up in school , which may well have happened with your DS, then it came out at childminders).

As a nanny I think that she didn’t give him enough time to settle or get to know him . And to be honest if she can’t cope for a couple of hrs whatever his behaviour was , I think you are better to find someone else .

If you were the mother of one of her other charges and your child said the new boy had been hitting them you’d immediately think it’s the childminders fault. She needs to protect her business and is obviously not prepared to take on your son. It’s probably a difficult time for him too starting school and left with a stranger. Ask his teacher what he’s like at school. Is he displaying similar behaviour. Maybe he’s just missing you

@MuddlingMackem

srh96 Fri 10-Sep-21 23:04:57 Wouldn't be expecting a 4 neurotypical 4 year old to be be pushing,

Plenty of people out there who actually aren't NT but were thought by everyone to be when they were still only 4 though.

I totally agree with this comment - I've known families where their child is not overly/noticeably disruptive or aggressive in their own home or other settings (even pre-school)but once they start school (where there is a huge amount of over-stimulation, noise etc etc ) are pulled up for hitting other kids. Having an autistic family member I'm well aware how this behaviour can be unfairly ascribed to "naughty" kids or bad parenting when really it's a reaction to the setting and can be an early indicator that the child is neuro-diverse ...if it TRULY feels "out of character" for your child to act like this then I'd ask school to keep a close eye on him and see if its possible to work fewer hours whilst he settles into school without also having to adjust to a new childminder.

I can't cope with all the pearl clutching shock at a 4 year old hitting and needing Professional Help
First week in a reception class we always have a handful of children hitting/shoving/snatching. It's really not such a shocking event.

SummerBluez
The thing is that a reception class is different to a childminding context.
There's a big difference between a group of 4 year olds settling into new people, new school, new routines, where the class staff know what to expect and have probably seen it all before if some get a little carried away with their peers, and a childminding situation where someone has other people's children, of varying ages, in their own home.

If I sent my child to a childminder, I'd expect them to be able to provide adequate supervision, suitable activities and to keep my child safe. If an older child was compromising the childminder's ability to do that because all their attention was on a child who is throwing, pushing and hitting, then I would be looking for another childminder.

She gave examples, but it really sounds nothing like him.

So are you saying she made them up? What were the examples?

I understand it’s really difficult but hitting isn’t usual behaviour for a four year old regardless of starting school etc. A childminder gets income from caring for kids. She’s therefore presumably seen quite a few and has decided that your child isn’t within the boundaries that she is prepared to tolerate even in such a short time. I’d be pretty worried and personally think about whether the behaviour needs to be tackled and move on. It’s not going to be a happy relationship anyway.

She gave examples, but it really sounds nothing like him.

What were the examples, and has he EVER done anything like them before, even if just 2-3 times per year, or even once?

Everyone here is trying to guess or surmise but you’re the only one with the examples of what he did and know if that includes hurting other children or damaging the childminder’s property. Those may be “absolute no”s for her.

@LolaSmiles
I get that but people aren't referring to location or context they're simply expressing shock and horror that a 4 YEAR OLD hit.

@crazyguineapiglady

If you are looking after a baby, a couple of toddlers and a couple of other young children, and also trying to make tea for everyone, and one child is hurting the others and throwing things, two hours would definitely be enough to know if you can't manage them!

It's easy to judge her as a "poor childminder" when you haven't experienced keeping multiple young children safe, engaged and fed.

My child minders own child frequently pulls my daughter's hair and used to bite. My DD is older by 4 years and is our youngest child so isn't used to this but we talked and she underatands that children go through these phases. A trained professional would know that in upset to routine and new setting can cause a child to behave in this way and should have given the relationship more time. I'm guessing she has another parent wanting more days/hours and was looking for an excuse.

Anyone who has worked with children will knoe that hitting and pushing is common behaviour and that a change in setting and routine can cause regression. Boundaries and routine works wonders, kicking a child out of a setting just compounds the problem.
Perhaps look for someone with more experience.

@SummerBluez

I can't cope with all the pearl clutching shock at a 4 year old hitting and needing Professional Help First week in a reception class we always have a handful of children hitting/shoving/snatching. It's really not such a shocking event.

Exactly and this goes on in all settings including childminders. The parents who think their children are little angels are usually the ones who are in denial of how they can be the ones pushing and hitting.

I do think that’s pretty shit of her. Did he behave like that at the settling in sessions? Assume not?

She could have suggested building up the amount of time he stays with her by you or his Dad arranging to finish work early over the next few weeks before she kicked him out!

Lots of children’s behaviour downslides when they have big changes in their life. If she was a decent childminder, she would know that.

I hope she refunded you whatever you’ve paid in advance as well?

There are some crap childminders out there. I only used one once, never again. Her references were good and she seemed great as well until a few days in! I think I caught her at a bad time in her life. There are lots of good ones too though.

Does your school not have an after school club?

She probably filled his place with another child she can have all day. What did your son say? For those saying child minders know what they’re doing, not all do... I once had one who used to stick the telly on and expect my daughter to babysit the other kids..l