Childminder terminated contract on first day because of behaviour

[MrDaddio]

Hi everyone. I was just looking for a little advice. It was our 4 year old's first day at his new childminders on Thursday. He started school on Monday.
He's usually very good except for one off incidents of pushing or hitting 2 or 3 times a year, but after his first stay with the childminder of only two hours she has said she can no longer have him because of his behaviour (hitting, throwing and pushing.) She gave examples, but it really sounds nothing like him. My hunch is that she just wasn't willing to spend enough time getting him settled and stimulated doing something.
Anyway, my question is: would any other parents have been happy with this happening to them if they knew it was unusual behaviour for their child? I am thinking of leaving a moderate/pragmatic review covering my dissatisfaction (nothing too angry, just disappointed and feel she should have done more.)

In my experience children are on their best (better) behaviour on their first day, it deteriorates as they get comfortable. It must have been pretty bad for her to give notice, and brave, it's very difficult to tell a parent their child can't come back. She has a duty if care to the children already in her setting. Plus it's her home. I don't want my home trashed by children throwing things. Some get carried away sure, but most just need a reminder and it sounds like this was much more than this.

I agree that whilst it's upsetting for you (no one wants to hear their dc is anything but perfect), you need to be more concerned about your dc's behaviour than the fact someone else found him uncontrollable.

You don't say how many other children the childminder has, or what ages, but if you've seen your 4 year old push/hit similarly aged children, then it won't seem as dangerous or aggressive to you, as if the childminder has seen your 4 year old pushing and hitting tiny defenceless babies or toddlers.

Childminders are only allowed to take on older children if it doesn't impact on the care of the tinies, so if she can see that your child injured, or risked injuring them, with his behaviour then she is absolutely right to say it isn't the right setting for him and give notice.

Kids are prone to meltdowns during the first few weeks of school. I think that she should have given him a week or two. She gave up too easily which implies that she was unable to control him/didn't have a plan. That said of he hurt other children, then she probably had no choice, otherwise she may have lost the custom of the other parents.

She probably has a nice, settled group of kids and he displayed behaviour that meant he would be disruptive and unsettling to the rest of them.
If he has only just started school then its probably all a bit too much for him at the minute, which is making his over tired and lashing out. Even so, it isn't appropriate behaviour to be pushing, hitting and throwing. School have to put up with and deal with it, but a private childminder won't.
Speak to school and see what's going on; if this isn't his usual behaviour he might need support.

To all those who are aghast at a 4 year old hitting 3 or 4 times a year....are you serious?!
OP, don't let these posters make you feel shit - they're making you feel crap on purpose and it's really missable of them. 4 year olds are sometimes difficult. It sounds to me that the likely situation is that she couldn't balance the needs of your son with the other children she's looking after. Perhaps he would suit a more traditional nursery setting and maybe one with a large garden where he can burn some energy?

"My hunch is that she just wasn't willing to spend enough time getting him settled and stimulated doing something."

My hunch is that as a childminder she has more experience of getting a child settled than I have. Ot that you have. I think you have to reconsider just pushing all the blame onto her, because I really don't see a childminder taking such action lightly.

@FuckingFlumps

*A 4 year old shouldn't be hitting anyone full stop, he obviously has extremely challenging behaviour that needs addressing by a professional.'

This 4 year old could well have still only been 3 mere weeks ago for all we know and whilst not great behaviour some small children do hit when they cannot express themselves. It's also pretty common for behaviour to dip and for children to lash out through tiredness upon starting school so again whilst not acceptable behaviour I hardly think he is unusual or in need of professional help.

Not in England considering the four year old is at school, so could be five tomorrow.

I agree a four year old shouldn’t be hitting anyone but starting school fit the first time and a new childminder all in one go is a lot to expect a child to cope with.

OP, why weren’t there proper settling in sessions? Was that down to the childminder or you?

Not in England considering the four year old is at school, so could be five tomorrow.

We have no idea of the child's birthday, but if the OPs son is a summer born it's possible this child could have been 3 just a few weeks ago.

Not in England considering the four year old is at school, so could be five tomorrow.

Cut off date for children turning 4 starting reception this year was August 31st which was less than 2 weeks ago. Yes he might be nearly 5 but he could equally be just turned 4.

@FuckingFlumps
You would be amazed at how many were calling for childcare last weekend for Monday then being really nasty that cms couldn't take them. People call all the time even for babies expecting them to be dropped full days starting tomorrow. Loads don't even bring their child to meet you ....straight on my no list.
I've seen 4 year olds throw shoes at parent saying put them on now and mum getting down to do it without a word. We make the decision on the parents reaction to the child when deciding if we can work with them.

I can see this from the CM point of view, I don't really think there's a right or a wrong here.

FWIW we had the same situation 2-3 years ago, 4 year old behaved like a total monster on first day at the CM, completely out of character for him. I called the CM the same night and apologised and said that I would stop bringing him because he was clearly unmanageable. She laughed and said I was being ridiculous and that it was completely normal for a reception aged child who was obviously a bit overwhelmed She said she'd had a think and would things differently the next day to try and help him to settle in. After the first week, he was absolutely fine there and there were no further issues. (Our CM is a gem tho. It may no be so easy for all CM).

Yet another parent in denial. If your 4 yo child is throwing things and hitting other children then it is not OK, you shouldn't minimise it. Your childminder has a duty of care to other children and if it is clear to her she can't control him then it is right decision to stop the arrangement

Pushing, hitting and throwing things is not acceptable behaviour. Your childminder was probably not expecting this behaviour from a 4 yo child attending school and dosnt want to spend her time and energy dealing with a misbehaving child when she has other children to take care of. I’d be mortified if my child behaved like this.

@crazyguineapiglady

If you are looking after a baby, a couple of toddlers and a couple of other young children, and also trying to make tea for everyone, and one child is hurting the others and throwing things, two hours would definitely be enough to know if you can't manage them!

It's easy to judge her as a "poor childminder" when you haven't experienced keeping multiple young children safe, engaged and fed.

Agreed. I think you need to deal with his behaviour. Pushing and hitting is NEVER acceptable, even from a four year old.

I think you’re getting a hard time here. I can see why she can’t cope but if your 4 year gasbag only just turned 4 and is dealing with school I can see why his behaviour isn’t his best. My just turned 4 year old is at school now and is great at school, really trying behaviour at home though.

Is there an after school club that can take him? As he will be with older children and there will be more than one adult so he’ll get more attention. Works well for my son. I’ve not tried a child minder because I know that environment wouldn’t suit him.

Based on the numbers and his hitting she probably decided it wasn’t worth having him on. Who did he hit? One of the babies? Her?

I should point out that my 5 yo nephew has been temporarily suspended from his school for hitting the teacher. He only did it once but the school has a zero tolerance approach to any violence. So if he does hit you need to sort it out before it starts affecting school

If you leave a bad review then it will discourage other childminders from agreeing to look after your son.

Don’t blame her, surely a four year old shouldn’t be hitting and pushing.

I’d rather her say she can’t handle him than a younger child be hurt due to him. You would be a dick to leave a bad review when she’s just trying to safeguard her charges.

Hitting and throwing can be dangerous, especially if there are younger children around. She has to keep all of the children safe.

Your DS' behaviour may improve on another visit, but she can't risk bringing him back and a child getting hurt.

Childminders have to think about every child they care for. If the other children came home saying they’d been hit by another child then their parents could remove them. If one is the problem then it makes sense to get rid of that one if they’re not fitting in.

However I do think one day is not enough to judge someone and if I was the CM I would explain the situation and tell you that if the behaviour is like that again then I won’t be able to care for him anymore.

The CM obviously has a lot of experience and wouldn’t turn down the money of an extra child unless they were very difficult. You may just be used to his behaviour.

Starting school and childminder sounds like too much in one week.

Google ‘restraint collapse’ - kids let it all out after school.

I think your child is probably harder work than you realise! Can only speak from my own experience and that is that they were never aggressive towards other children and certainly not by the age of four.

If my child had bitten/pushed another child I'd be mortified. I'd say I understand her reasoning, apologise, and hope to God another setting can be found for him.

I'd also impress upon my child that such behaviour is not acceptable and lay out the consequences.

I'm with the CM. It's her home, her business, and she has to think of the other children in her care. She's turning down income because your son is so badly behaved.

I'd bet she's had a better offer of a full day child and is using it as excuse so as to free up the space.

I wonder how you would have felt if your son had come out of the child minders saying he had been hit, pushed and things were being thrown around?

I also wonder whether the childminder has judged that you are the sort of parent who makes excuses for their child instead of addressing poor behaviour and decided that it’s not worth her trouble.