How do i get my nanny to listen to me....

[bertieboo]

and not do her own thing? I work full time and so my DD (5 months) old is in her sole care all day. I accept thats a lot of responsibility but nanny constantly goes against my wishes and then argues with me when i pull her up on it. She is amazing with my DD and loves her v much, but i feel like she is undermining me at every turn. How can i fix this without feel even more useless than i already do??

DO NOT give her a 3 month pay off!! You are not being nice you are being bloody soft!!

This person weaned your child early without your express consent and knowledge and this could have led to a life threatening allergy developing in your DD. Is that clear enough?

Have the talk, give her the opportunity to go now. Make it quite clear she could(should) have been sacked for gross misconduct and say she will have 1 months trial and if YOU are not 100% happy that will be it and she will go with 2 weeks money.

Bertieboo..... I think she sounds a bit daffy, to be honest. Quite unprofessional. Can I ask how old she is? If she was with her last family for 5 years, she must be at least, what, 23?

She obviously has issues with overstepping boundaries. At the end of the day she is there to HELP you take care of your daughter. Not decide how, not go behind your back and do it her way, but be the proxy version of YOU. I'm aware that I am there instead of the parent as sadly they have to go to work. It's your right to bring up your child any way you see fit and something as important as weaning is completely up to you. I'm so shocked.

I'm a nanny and as soon as the parents are back, I consider it good manners to fade back a bit, let them be the ones doing all the kissing and cuddling - that's just my instinct! I do kiss and cuddle B, because she likes it, but I tend to stick to the top of her head unless she specifically goes for a nose nuzzle. Sitting together on the sofa is fine. I would never EVER consider it appropriate to get into bed with a charge, even - especially - if they were a tiny baby. Plus it does suggest she is not timekeeping very well, as she SHOULD be ready to begin her working day up and about and... WORKING. Not sleeping, and throwing the routine off.

As far as the disciplinary procedure goes, her probation is up soon and it's the perfect time to give her a bit of warning and go through everything. It can be earlier this week, but I'd say don't spring it on her and expect her to be able to deal with all the points there and then. Perhaps you could get something like an agenda together - informally tell her tonight that tomorrow evening after work, you would like to discuss a, b, and c that you have been unhappy with. Tell her you are taking these points very seriously as you feel uncomfortable with them. Make it about the issues - the bed, the routine, the feeding - not about her personally, but how she is conducting herself AT WORK. There seems to be a whole blurred line about how relaxed things should be, and should you try over this next month's probation to reestablish things, try and get some differentiation between "work" time and "off duty" time. When she is at work, she should be expected to be up, awake, and working. Not lazing about in bed.

PS Drinking Champagne on our own time is a perk of being a nanny I'm afraid! It's not like you're subsidising us - we don't have works do's to go to with lovely canapes and a free bar! We might do all our shopping in Primark and then treat ourselves to a stupidly expensive cocktail or three........ but come on, you don't REALLY begrudge anyone that, do you? ;-)

PPS - agree with NAB. 3 months is way too much. I got 3 weeks when I left one employer, and was made to feel grateful for that. In fact they turned down my request for a 4th week's pay.

You need to deal with her very strictly, make absolutely no concessions and see if she can play by your rules. She has to toe the line, but you have to MAKE her.

Hi niftynanny, I def do not begrudge drinking champagne! I am all for it in my time off it was more my DH who was taken aback. i am just jealous (again) as her afternoon sounded lovely.

She is 25 and has always looked after children. she has much younger brothers who she stil treats as babies, even though they are now teenagers.
I will tell her tonight that i want to have a review so she should have any points she wants to raise ready to discuss on weds.

Read my 13:43 post

3 months?!?!

(KERPLUNK)

Niftynanny said "Bertieboo..... I think she sounds a bit daffy, to be honest"
But I think Bertieboo is being a bit daffy. 3 months notice ?????????
No, no, no, this is too much.
Bertie, how much do you earn, are you 'off ya ead'. Do you live in Beckingham Palace, with Cod ?
Why 3 months. This is far too much.
1 month is more than sufficient.

Give her some notice and tell her to shove off.
3 Months. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease.

NAB I did, i am not ignoring you. I sent you a CAT earlier.

Ooooooooooo, a Cat. Thanks

Hasn't come through yet.

I said to read it as I crossed post with a long one and I didn't want it missed.

the 3 months thing isnt cos i am loaded!
its just that i know how upset she will be if/when she goes... figured it would soften the blow
She isnt a bad girl, just maybe not v bright, so i will have the review with her, give her another month see how she gets on, and then decide.

Ah right! More of a "Huh, are we paying her too much?" reaction?

I think it sounds like you're doing the right thing - a bit of warning so she can prepare. Definitely let her know which things you want to discuss too, though. That way you can stress that they are VERY important to you and she can think about how she's behaved re those specific areas.

I do think that it's a case of, as much as you think she is nice, your personalities aren't suited. When I work with parents I want to be part of a team, and check loads of stuff with my employers - I wish they would give me more direction sometimes, as little things like "Oh bother, we were going to eat dinner later and now you've given her too much food!" has cropped up occasionally if a chango to the routine has come up.

You might need someone who's more sensitive to the strains of being a first time Mum - of course you're going to get a bit nostalgic for the days you could trip off to bars, too! You shouldn't have to deal with all these anxieties about your nanny as well as trying to figure out how you feel about raising your child - that might be a good question to ask if you're hiring again, whether they have experience with a first time Mum, and how they see their role. This girl sounds like she's taken any uncertainty on your part as a chance to stamp her own methods on your family whereas she should be helping you decide what you want and offering advice based on past experience which you MIGHT take into consideration.... not telling you she knows better!

Bless you, sounds like you're really going through the mill with a new baby and all that entails and then adding these worries to it!

Incidentally, you do not have to give her anything. A one month payout is for employees who are being let go due to no fault of their own (i.e. made redundant). But she is being fired.

One of my golden rules is...

1. The child's welfare comes before the nanny's... ALWAYS.

By feeling bad for your nanny and wanting to give her more (undeserved) chances, you are putting your nanny's needs before the welfare of your child. PLEASE don't do this. You will only kick yourself later and say "my only regret is not doing it sooner".

Haven't had my CAT yet??

I think i have been guilty of not giving her enough direction and just letting her get on with it. And obviously that will lead to a conflict.
But then i do wish she would talk to me more about the day to days goings on in DD's life. Maybe she thinks i am not that interested in DD which is why she behaves as she does.
BUT I do want to give her the opportunity to see what she is doing wrong (in my eyes) and either adapt, or leave, if she thinks i am being unreasonable.

You need to tell her you want to lknow more what is going on in DD's day and if she won't write a diary for you (I did this with all my charges and it was a lovely keepsake) then she will have to stay past her time to tell you.

What she thinks of you is no concern.

I have asked her to keep a diary, but all it contains are the times DD has slept, how long she has been awake and when and how much she ate. Not v interesting reading!!

That's what I mean by someone needing to be more sensitive to your needs as a new parent - no one could be expected to have everything straight in their heads from the off, when they have just been through a hormonal, physical overhaul and then been presented with sleep deprivation, a whoosh of new emotions and the terror of being in charge of such a precious and fragile little life!

DON'T blame yourself!

If you're set on giving her another chance, if you feel it'd make your conscience clearer in regards to your treatment of her, then you're doing both of you a favour by being as strict as possible with it. You could even ask her to write down anecdotes in the diary so you have more of an idea about DD's moods throughout the day and her likes and dislikes etc.

But don't think you owe her anything, this is about you, hubby and DD - you're the family and you're entitled to dither sometimes as a new mum, no one's perfect. She should help you through it and make you feel comfortable, not anything else.

bertie, she could write any old thing in a diary, who's checking up on her?

trust your instincts on her

I used write all their naps, bottles and meals down.

Where we had been that day and what we had done.

Who we had seen.

What they had especially enjoyed that day.

Any firsts, as long as they weren't major ones. I let Mum discover that.

Any medicines given.

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Expect-Babysitter-Nanny-Handbook/dp/1416502114/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=boo ks&qid=1196692512&sr=8-1

this book had a really nice diary template in the back..... seemed like loads of info but was very clear...

you could print out som spreadsheets with things like
"Mood - eg Happy, laughing
Quiet, sleepy
Playing, focused
Playing, active"

just to prompt her

She might be used to behaving more like a Big Sis by the sound of it.

bertieboo - the more you write about your nanny, the more it sounds as if she has a totally unstructured personality - she may be very loving (and full of good intentions) but it is impossible to be good at any job unless one is structured.

I understand that you want to be kind to her (and actually I think you are right to want to be generous in your payoff - live-in nannies are in a vulnerable position when their employers terminate their employment and you want to ensure that she has somewhere to live etc). I have had a similar issue with a cleaning lady (not the same degree of importance, of course, as a nanny) who was perfectly nice and honest but totally incapable of organising her work and meeting my expectations - so she had to go.

Does this nanny have qualifications?

to NAB and Nifty - i would LOVE that detail in a daily diary! at least that way i could feel a part of what is going on in DD's day, as opposed to feeling totally out of the loop.

yes she does - she was trained at Norland